And I'm telling you right now, if I don't trust a used condom
with a regular human woman,
you'll be goddamned if I just give it to a homeless lady,
and just like, "Hey, don't do anything weird with this."
[intense musical buildup]
- Aah!
- [kissing sounds] [tires screeching]
- Let me smell your vagina!
[brakes screech]
[dark electronic music]
♪
[cheers and applause]
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome this next comic,
the host of the "Punch Drunk" sports podcast,
give it up for Mr. Ari Shaffir, everybody.
Let him hear it!
[cheers and applause]
Thank you, everybody.
[laughs] Thank you very much.
All right, this story is what my friend said
was the gayest thing that's ever happened to him.
[chuckles] I, uh...
I don't really like that kinda talk, but whatever.
So it starts--I was having sex with a girl--
excuse me, a woman-- and, uh...
That's one of those things where feminists are right,
like, yes, absolutely, I was a grown person.
And I used a condom for once...
[laughs]
I don't know how you guys feel when you use a condom.
I feel like a champion for, like, the rest of the month.
I'm always like, "Not part of the problem today...
this one time!"
And if you wear a condom, that means you don't have to
wear a condom the next nine times.
'Cause it cancels out. That's just how it works.
That's just science, you guys.
If you disagree, you don't know science.
It's like when you have a salad for lunch,
you can have a whole pizza for dinner.
So anyway,
what do you guys do when you're done having sex with a condom?
What do you do as soon as you're finished?
- Pull it off. I don't know.
- What? Pull her off?
That's great, man, yeah, that's a number one thing.
You're absolutely right. You'll be like,
"I'm finished now. You should leave.
"Leave my dick. It's, like, done.
I feel it shrinking inside of you."
[laughter]
Like, "You wanna pull out?" "It'll come out on its own."
That's how you know winter is over.
It just gets smaller and smaller.
[laughs]
Fucking great answer, man.
Yeah, you pull her off you.
And then you take the condom off,
and you gotta throw the condom off--
you gotta throw it away.
Yeah, first of all, you gotta pull it off,
'cause at some point
you lay there for a minute or two, you know,
before you pull it off.
You don't be like fucking-- Uhh--then fucking take the--
You know, it's like, grenade! Get it outta here!
But she's lying on your shoulder and you realize,
you're like--once your dick is completely limp,
it's like this isn't sexual anymore.
And you realize, like, you've just been basting in jizz.
Your dick is like a Haagen-Dazs dip cone of semen.
Yeah. It's got, like, reverse Benjamin Button or something.
It's gonna prune up
like you're in the shower too long, you know?
I don't want my dick looking like it's got progeria,
so you gotta take it off.
And a lot of people get up and throw the condom out,
uh, which, that's cool if you got the energy.
I fuck hard--I don't have that kind of energy.
So, uh...
yeah, I go for it if you're gonna go for it.
So I'll take the condom off
and I'll just throw it by the side of the bed.
I don't know if you guys ever do that move?
It's a classic. You've never done that?
Oh, 'cause you're black.
Black people don't use condoms, that's why.
You're like, "What? I don't even understand this whole story.
"What are you talking about? You have to explain to me
"why would you invest in real estate
when you're talking to this girl?"
Yeah, so you dump it by the side of the bed.
You get it the next morning. That's what I was gonna do.
I'll tie it off--you don't, like, just drop it,
'cause then it'll all leak out.
So you gotta like, tie it off.
Especially if you got dogs.
If you got dogs, you gotta tie that off.
They'll go for it. Dogs will go for it.
They don't know. They don't know about sexuality.
They just know protein. They just know protein.
Yeah, a dog will, like, go for it.
You can yell at 'em. Be like, "Stop!"
And the dog'll be like, "I think you're wrong here.
"'Cause...why... why would I not eat--
"Why did you cover it in protein
if you don't want me to eat it?"
So, yeah, for sure tie it off.
And the morning came and I got up to throw it away.
I don't--I was gonna flush.
I don't like to throw away condoms at women's places
'cause, like... part of me worries, like...
This might be crazy but, like...
Yeah, well, hold on. It's not completely crazy
if you all kind of know what I'm about to say, right?
[laughter]
- Yeah, it's not completely off the wall nuts
that she's gonna, yeah, undo the condom
and then put it up there and fuckin' scoosh it in
and have a baby the old fashioned way through trapping.
Yeah, so I was like, all right, I'll flush it in the toilet.
But then I got to her toilet to flush it,
and the toilet didn't look like it could for sure handle it.
I was like, I don't wanna be here for two hours, you know,
so I was like, "Fuck it, I'll just go outside.
I'll throw it out outside in the Dumpster."
So, yeah--so I'm going down her steps
to her apartment building holding this used condom.
This used no love condom hoping not to
pass of her neighbors.
Like, "Good morning, Mrs. Johnson, enjoy church.
Uh...sorry about this."
And then I got outside. I was about to throw it out,
and then, uh...there was a homeless lady in the Dumpster.
Yeah, a homeless woman just rootin' around in there.
I guess that's for sure not a lady,
but, uh...
Yeah, just a homeless woman lookin' for--
I don't know, her meal or whatever.
I don't know what they do in there.
And I'm telling you right now, if I don't trust a used condom
with a regular human woman,
you'll be goddamned if I just give it to a homeless lady,
and just like, "Hey, don't do anything weird with this."
I mean, that is a cash win for a homeless person.
That is child support for the rest of her life.
That is a lot of--she'd be crazy not to try it, really.
She'd be crazy to not be like, oh...[mumbles]
The seed of a man with a job?
She'd be like-- you ever hear that story
about, like, God sending a--like the guy drowning...
'cause--anybody religious here? - Yes.
- You know what I'm talking about?
- Amen. - Amen!
Hell yeah, lady. Hell yeah.
We have "ah, men," but that's okay.
I know what you're saying.
Yeah, where the man was drowning and he prayed to God
to save him-- in like the ocean,
and then a rowboat came by-- you know this one?
And then, uh, he's like-- the rowboat guy's like,
"Hey, get in." He goes, "No, no, no.
God's gonna save me. Beat it."
And the rowboat guy's like, "All right."
And then later, like, a bigger boat came by
and he's like, "Get in." He's like, "No.
Fucking God's gonna save me. Get outta here."
Probably didn't curse as much as I am,
but then a giant ship came by and they're like,
"Get in, you're gonna drown." He goes, "No,
God is gonna save me." And then he left
and then the guy just fucking drowned.
He just sunk and drowned. Then he got to heaven
and he's like, "God, why didn't you save me?"
And God's like, "What are you talking about?
"I sent a rowboat, and a medium-sized ship,
and a big ship for you."
So that's this homeless lady. She got to heaven.
She'd be like, "How come you never gave me
a hand up?" And God's like,
"I gave you a fuckin' vile...
"of semen of a man with a home.
"What else do you need me to do?
"Put some of it in now, and save the other half
for when you're ovulating."
So I was like, well, I can't throw it out in this Dumpster.
And I was like, "Well, what am I supposed to do
with this condom?"
So I was like, "Fuck it, I'll just--
"I'll just take it home and I'll throw it out...
when I get home."
Yeah, it was frustrating not to be able to
deal with this stupid condom.
So I get in my car.
I put it in the little-- the side trashcan of the car.
You know? You don't know?
That's what it's for. It's for like owner's manuals
or maps, but nobody uses that.
It's for when you're done with a CHEETOS bag.
You're like, "What am I-- I'll just fuckin'..."
So I put it in there and I start driving home.
And I pass-- on the way home I pass
my friend at the bus stop, Jayson Thibault.
Yeah, he's my co-host in that "Punch Drunk" podcast.
And I pulled over. I was like "What are you doing?"
He said, "Well, I'm going to work."
And I was like, "Well, fuck it, man, get it.
I'll give you a ride." He's like, "Really?"
I'm like, "Yeah. I'm in a great mood.
Absolutely. Yeah, I don't mind."
So we start driving-- he gets in we start driving
and he goes--he goes, "Where you coming from?
Why are you in such a good mood?"
And-- Okay, now, right here...
I probably could have just told him.
But I thought, like, show him, you know?
It's a way richer way of telling a story.
Like in grade school, they didn't have "Tell."
They had "Show and Tell."
So he was like, "Where are you coming from?"
so I just reached in to the little trash can,
and I got the knot in the condom
like right between my thumb and my forefinger.
I just kinda felt for it, and then I grabbed it,
and then--and then I hit him in the face with it.
Yeah, I came around that way. I didn't want to go this way,
'cause it might hit me, you know? Eew!
And I went around-- and it was going fast.
The thing stretched when it was coming around.
Like, it got wider, and then it hit him like...
coming forward.
It made like a-- like a that kinda sound.
Like a big slap.
I remember his seatbelt locked. I remember that.
Yeah, as it hit him it was like...
And then the thing was just dangling there...
And he, uh, he was not happy about it.
No, he was pretty upset.
I've definitely seen him happier.
Yeah, he was mad. He starts yelling.
He goes, "Did you just hit me...
with a full condom?"
- And I was like, "I mean, I don't know about full.
"Just the little bottom part is full.
"If that's a full condom, you have a very positive way
of looking at the world."
He was mad. He goes,
"That's the gayest thing that's ever happened to me."
And I go, "Don't say that."
Not 'cause of homophobia or anything.
He was using it in the right context--
it was to mean homosexual.
And I'm like, "It wasn't gay. It wasn't homosexual.
If you ask me-- If you ask me I didn't hit him
with the inside of the condom.
If I turned it inside out, sure.
That's the part that had my dick in it
and where all the jizz and stuff was.
I hit him with the outside of the condom.
That came straight from touching a vagina.
It got all up in the vagina
and then hit him across the face.
If anything...
it's the most heterosexual thing
that's every happened to him.
Yeah, it's been 12 years,
and he still does not see it my way.
All right, I'm done. Thank you very much, everybody.
That's my story.
[cheers and applause]
[dark electronic music]
♪