BART: Dad, what are you watching?
I think it's a Terrence Malick movie.
No, you're watching Baby Poindexter,
the most educational DVD available
at the checkout aisle at the grocery store.
(gasps) Don't watch that DVD.
I threw that away because studies show
it doesn't do any good.
Look at me.
This so-called educational DVD may have even stunted
the development of the kids who watched it.
Wait a minute. Didn't Bart and I both watch this thing
when we were little?
I'm afraid so.
(horn honking)
(imitates honking horn)
Welcome to Thieving-Bear Chopper-Hunt.
-Okay, no TV at all. -ALL: What?
Honey, this sounds like a noble experiment,
but like Prohibition, it will end in a hail of bullets.
We're taking Maggie to a children's book store,
where she can learn the old-fashioned way.
The way children did from 1910 to 2002.
(grunting)
If I buy you, why do I need all these books?
Shut up, shut up, shut up!
Instead of watching TV, we can read children's books
written by TV stars.
Who's Milli Vanilli?
I don't know, kid. I didn't write this.
No refunds.
Look, Maggie, they have a story lady.
One day, Silly Sally said,
Oh, I could slurp this soup forever.
Slurp, slurp...
Sorry, folks, she doesn't even work here.
Gotcha.
(laughing)
Candy cane in the umbrella stand:
oldest trick in the book.
Yip!
Homie, help me find them.
Okay, now to see if I can apply my book knowledge
to the real world.
Got them.
You're right. I'm bored.
-Epoxy fight! -(groans)
What the hell is an epoxy fight?
Oh.
Don't worry, all I need is a cigarette lighter
and some sandpaper.
(sanding)
All right, let's just use a razor.
(gasps)
Oh, my God.
You look just like your dad.
I always wanted to wear a necktie. Mom says they make you more...
(in Kirk's voice) ...of a man.
Now sing the alphabet song.
(voice alternating with each letter) ♪ A-B-C-D-E-F-G ♪
(in Duffman's voice) Whoa, that's a little too tight. Oh, yeah.
Nah, back to the sweet spot.
Milhouse,
if people believe you're a grown-up, we can do anything.
Okay, first, tone it down.
Time to teach you to be a man.
What, now I'm not pulling it off?
("Here Comes Your Man" by Pixies playing)
♪ Here comes your man ♪
Another invasive Skype from Mil... Huh?
Hello, Lisa. This is my daddy.
I mean, um, Kirk Van Houten.
May I speak to your father, please?
I also want to say that Bart is a remarkable boy,
and I disapprove of your fathering
and of your fat stomach.
Oh, well, uh... sorry.
Dad, why are you kowtowing to Mr. Van Houten?
Sometimes it's just so nice to have a man take charge.
And in ten years, make Lisa go to the prom with Milhouse.
Dad.
Grown-ups have their reasons.
(Bart and Milhouse laugh)
I'm going to like being an adult. (laughs)
(groaning)
(in normal voice) I can reach the poisons now,
each with an inviting skull and crossbones.
(in Kirk's voice) I love when you buy me clothes.
You know what's itchy and what's not.
Oh, Kirk Evelyn Van Houten.
(humming happily)
(in regular voice) I wish my dad
could have been here to see my parents kiss.
I'm driving a truck.
I crashed a truck.
Hey, Simpson, don't you have a lame dad of your own?
(in Kirk's voice) Uh, I-I'd give you all my money,
but my wallet is Velcroed too tight.
You're the wussiest adult I've ever seen.
Kirk, remember,
you have the superpowers of a middle-aged man.
Hello, Mr. Kirk.
magazines with boobs and three pairs of sunglasses.
Polarized.
I suspect you are buying for underage bullies,
but as that is 98% of my business,
Wouldn't that make us criminals instead of bullies?
Let's beat up a philosopher until he gives us the answer.
-Oh, good idea. -Yeah, I'm in.
I made my mom happy
and got through the bullies without a punch.
Being an adult is super easy.
I'll go behind that curtain a boy
but come out a man.
Hmm, more money for schools.
That could translate into more homework.
Uh, hey, bartender.
We'd like two milks,
and then you can tell us where babies come from.
Oh, well, in my case,
my mom was hit with a voodoo curse.
I gestated for five years,
then I popped out backwards and on fire.
Mom, I think Maggie misses TV.
You know, Mom, I was thinking
we could take Maggie downtown.
The Jazz Hole is featuring a Dizzy Gillespie tribute band.
Long before the Teutonic slaughters
visited upon our people,
there was the massacre by Mstislov
of Kiev in 1132.
(screaming)
Maybe we should go.
Nobody leave till every puppet dead.
Now, I asked you here because I know a cool grown-up
who will take you to that club in the city.
Really? Who?
(in Kirk's voice) Hello, Lisa.
Milhouse?
you might get past the bouncer at the jazz club,
because they're in no position to turn anyone away,
but it doesn't matter, 'cause we can't pay
for the gas and the cover fee anyway.
They're not gonna write a check to a couple of kids.
Then I will be your guys' dad.
(screams)
Thanks, but lowering your voice and standing on paint cans
doesn't make you man enough to be my dad.
Oh, dang it.
I lost my other earring.
Leave it to me.
-Earring. -Oh.
-Thimble from Monopoly game. -Wondered where that was.
-$25 casino chip. -Oh.
-The smallest nesting doll. -Oh.
Can you find anything you like in this bed?
There you go, one adult
and two children one-way downtown.
Um, as adults, what do we do now? Shake hands?
If you like.
Well, if I look at your face, I get sick.
Young man, apologize to your sister.
Make me, baldy.
Why, you little...
(grunting)
Your intellect-deadening DVDs turned my brother's brain to jelly.
Pretty shapes tell me to kill everybody.
Looks like you're entitled to the full rebate of $19.95.
Oh, it's just enough to get home.
I'm hungry now.
Hey, I'm walking on paint cans all day.
Give me a break.
Homer, Bart said the kids were going to the Van Houtens',
but Luann just told me they're supposed to be here.
They've disappeared.
We'll get those kids back.
Because we just bought them new shoes.
...lap pool and fully-equipped gym with eucalyptus towels.
Now, let me give you
the 14 different apartment configurations.
The hacienda,
the urban oasis,
-(beeps) -If you try to leave,
you'll find the doors are locked.
Well, before our dad signs any contracts,
he has a surprise for you.
Oh, I hope it's that he's single.
You're a bit of a freak.
I like that.
(giggling)
You're the adult.
LISA: Kirk, don't you have something to tell her?
Just looking for a casual hookup?
Yeah, for my Thomas the Tank Engines.
Ooh, I love how I don't exactly understand
what you're saying.
When I said you needed a software update,
it was not a criticism.
(tires squealing)
Ooh, I love how your arms
are too short and thin for your legs.
Just like a crocodile.
(in Duffman's voice) I'm feeling a strange,
refreshing brew of emotions. Oh, yeah.
(gasp) Your hair is growing back.
Tell me your secret.
He's ten years old.
Oh, there's always a catch.
Is anyone here going to buy a condo?
It's gonna be yes, but don't rush me.
I'm really sorry, Dad,
but I have to say,
it was pretty cool having your life.
You mean that?
I'd be happy to wind up
just like you.
I hope you remember that
when I can't pay for your college.