- I brought my purse out here because I'm,
want to show you all that I'm very proud
that I could afford it and because
I don't know these motherfuckers and comedians steal.
(laughing)
Okay, first of all my name is Bob the Drag Queen,
I'm a drag, Wooo!
(cheering and clapping)
So I was on a reality television show,
it's called RuPaul's Drag Race, right?
(cheering)
Yeah.
(cheering)
Yeah, but here's the thing,
has anyone here been on a reality TV show?
Good, okay, just me.
(laughing)
Okay so I won, I won the show.
(cheering)
This guy goes, she won?
(laughing)
What did the other motherfuckers look like?
(laughing)
So I won $100,000 and it was on TV, okay,
yeah, I know.
You're saying wow because you live in Austin.
Bitch I live in Manhattan.
(laughing)
I won $100,000 three fucking years ago
and people still think I have money, okay listen,
that is not how that works, okay.
I use to live in Alabama.
If I still lived in Alabama, there'd be like, what,
three houses and a trust fund for generations to come.
(laughing)
I live in Manhattan, that's like three vodka sodas
in like a splurge at the Cheesecake Factory
with my friends, you know what I mean?
(laughing)
I live in New York City, which means I think
I'm better than you
(laughing)
and I'm gay, which means I AM better than you.
(laughing)
And New Yorkers, we're all like New York is the best
city in the world.
We always say that New York is the best city in the world.
It's the best city in the world.
Like on a postcard, but if you're in New York City,
there is no fucking proof.
First of all the weather is shitty
nine months out of the year.
It smells like garbage on every street you turn
and I always say, you think you know what piss smells like,
and then you move to New York City.
(laughing)
Like oh, that what piss smells like, this is news to me.
I also, the most interesting thing to me
about being a big drag, I'm a big, big lady all right.
I'm what they call in Harlem, an SLW,
a suspiciously large woman, okay.
(laughing)
So more than anything it's been
like the interactions that I have,
are there any other queers here, queers make some noise.
(cheering)
Can I say, this is the best time in the world to be queer.
I'm so excited.
Being queer is the best fucking thing
that every happened to me.
I walk around with like power.
I walk around like yeah motherfucker.
(laughing)
That's right, motherfucker.
Cause everyone knows nowadays, you can't say anything
remotely sideways about queers.
If you even slightly inconvenience a queer person on TV,
100 male ballet dancers will show up outside
your fucking job and pas de bourree
until you come downstairs and apologize.
(cheering and clapping)
Like did you make fun of my dogs wedding?
Pas de bourree, pas de bourree.
(laughing)
I douched and you canceled?
Pas de bourree, pas de bourree.
Are there any straight guys, this is a stupid question,
are there any straight guys here?
(laughing)
It's just silent.
I also love how diminutive straight guys are getting.
Like 10 years ago, straight buys here, woo, woo, woo.
Now they're like, yeah, uh.
(laughing)
I love how stupid straight guys always sound.
Like listen to me, this in my opinion, queer people
are smarter than straight people.
It's just my opinion.
It's my opinion!
(laughing)
And I also think that women are just smarter than men.
It's true.
(cheering)
Which essentially makes lesbians the smartest people
on the planet.
(cheering)
Which is probably why I'm probably
going to vote for Elizabeth Warren.
(laughing)
Oh, she's a fucking lesbian,
if I've ever seen one in my life.
She would eat a pussy like it had an expiration date, okay.
(laughing)
I got to eat all this pussy tonight,
it could go bad tomorrow.
(laughing)
Are there any straight girls here who love gay guys?
(cheering)
You're cheering for her.
(laughing)
You look adorable, actually.
What I've learned is this too,
cause there is like really sacred, like super strong
connection between straight girls and gay guys.
We've been there forever, you remember.
Amanda, Becky, Miranda, I don't know.
(laughing)
I was so close.
(laughing)
What's your name?
- [Audience Member] Mary
- I was so close!
(laughing)
Now we've been there for each other, you remember,
you took me to prom, thanks.
(laughing)
I told you bangs aren't for everyone.
(laughing)
I see someone here needs to hear that message again tonight.
(laughing)
If you are like a straight guy and you have a girlfriend
who loves gay guys and goes to drag shows all the time,
I can promise you with certainty,
I have seen a picture of your dick.
Yes, bitch, I promise you
because that is the agreement that we have.
That is what it is because look at it right now,
gay guys, we are pigs, we are disgusting.
Just because you're gay doesn't mean you stop
being fucking nasty as hell.
Gay guys, we trade dick pics like trading cards, okay.
(laughing)
We all go looking like Pokemon cards.
(laughing)
Carl, I choose you.
(laughing)
And like whenever a straight girl, like shows you pictures
from vacation, they're like look at my phone,
peruse through it, I have nothing to hide.
(laughing)
Gay guys are like, I'll hold the phone.
(laughing)
Don't swipe left, don't swipe right.
(laughing)
Bitch, look at the picture on the phone.
(laughing)
You can get into the pentagon before you get
into a gay man's phone, boy I tell you that right now, girl.
(laughing)
And also everyone's like what's the best
advice you can get from your gay friends?
I'm going to tell you that right now.
This the the truth, this is the T.
There is nothing, let me tell you right now,
I'm just speaking for myself,
this is just me and my opinion okay,
but if you come to me and you want tips on how to suck dick,
bitch I will change your life.
(cheering)
Let me tell you right now,
(laughing)
you listening to me, sister,
I don't know why they call it a blowjob
cause it doesn't feel like work to me, okay.
(laughing)
I always say, honestly, if you're sucking dick
and it looks anything like you've ever seen
in a porn, you're already doing it wrong.
If you're like
(laughing)
Sucking dick should always feel a little
bit embarrassing, okay.
(laughing)
Sucking dick should be like eating buffalo wings, bitch.
You're eyes should be watering,
(laughing)
you're nose should be running
(laughing)
(lip flapping)
(laughing)
(lip flapping)
(laughing)
I'm good, I'm good, I'm good, I'm good
(laughing)
I've also, so because I won $100,000 on TV,
listen I have Gay-DD, my brain,
I have this speech impediment too
where I can't shut the fuck up half the time.
(laughing)
So because I won $100,000 on TV like three years ago,
people still think I have money to this day,
which is not true,
but I have been able to do a few nice things.
Bought myself this purse.
I also bought my mom an iPad,
but because my mom is woman born in the 60's in Mississippi,
she doesn't know how to use it so she gave it away
to my cousin, who gave it to her son.
Then my cousin calls me in a panic, she is freaking out.
She's like what do I do, what do I do, what do I do?
I was like what is wrong.
She's like my son is looking at porn on the iPad,
what do I do?
I was like leave him the fuck alone.
(laughing)
Leave him alone.
Do not give him a complex.
Do not fuck with that little nigger.
Leave him the fuck alone.
(laughing)
More than anything, I was just jealous,
because my little cousin will never know the rush
of jacking off on the family computer,
(laughing)
at 2:00 am.
(laughing)
The picture's loading like this.
(laughing)
On dial up and this is great if you're looking for titties,
but if you're waiting for dick, it's a long road
to glory, bitch.
(laughing)
(beeping)