-Our next guest has her comedy album "Logging Out"
available now on Apple Music.
Making her "Tonight Show" debut,
please welcome the very funny Samantha Ruddy.
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
-Thank you!
Ah. It's great to be here.
I flew on a tiny plane, like three years ago,
and every day since has just been a nice bonus.
[ Laughter ]
It was so small, they had to take our weights.
My girlfriend called me. She was like, "Sam,
I need to know how much you weigh."
I was like, "Oh, um, 160 pounds?"
She was like, "I need your real weight."
[ Laughter ]
"'Cause it's to balance the plane out."
I was like, "Oh, sorry. Uh, 180 pounds?"
She was like, "The plane will crash."
[ Laughter ]
"We will not get to see my family this weekend."
I was like, "Oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't know
that we wouldn't have to hang out with your family."
[ Laughter ]
"I weigh 50 pounds."
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
I don't even like flying on regular planes.
Too risky.
The most dangerous thing that I do is I cut my own hair.
And I only do that because I got the worst haircut of my life
from a salon. It was so bad
that before the woman was even finished,
she said, "Ah, it'll grow back."
[ Laughter ]
She gave me, like, swoopy bangs in the front
and then spiky on top.
She gave me the Karen.
[ Laughter ]
And you know what the worst part was?
I couldn't even complain.
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
Because that's exactly what a Karen would do.
[ Laughter ]
She'd be like, "Do you want to talk to the manager?
Because you look like you do."
[ Laughter ]
One nice thing about cutting my own hair is
it saves money. I am horrible with money,
and I can pinpoint the exact moment
where things went wrong.
My senior year of high school.
We got to pick electives.
I chose to take philosophy instead of money management.
[ Laughter ]
And to this day, I cannot balance a checkbook.
But I do know
nothing about philosophy, either.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
People are like, "Why is your credit score so low?"
And I'm like, "Can one truly score your credit?"
[ Laughter ]
They can.
540. [ Laughter ]
Another reason I think I'm bad with money is
'cause my mom never let me do anything for myself.
She still doesn't.
I was shopping with her recently.
I wanted to buy a violent video game.
She cut me off.
On my way to the cashier,
she was like, "Hey, Mr. GameStop,
I just have to ask, is this game violent?"
And he was like, "Yeah."
And my mom said, "Well, I'm just worried
about my kid playing it."
And he goes, "Well, how old is your kid?"
And my mom says, "29." [ Laughter ]
And then, I swear to God, he just looked at me
and he was like, "Is it this woman?"
[ Laughter ]
I was like, "You heard the lady. Can I handle it or not?"
[ Laughter ] I couldn't.
[ Laughter ] It's really violent.
I have nightmares every night.
Don't play "Madden." [ Laughter ]
Thanks. [ Applause ]
Thank you. Thanks.
I love football, but I've been trying
to get into the NBA because it's way gentler.
You know, even the team names in the NBA
are less aggressive than NFL team names.
The NFL is like, "We're the Minnesota Vikings.
We're fierce."
The NBA is like, "We're the Utah Jazz."
[ Laughter and applause ]
"We're difficult to appreciate."
[ Laughter and applause ]
"We're the Denver nuggets.
We're four for a dollar."
[ Laughter ]
I didn't have any choice but to like sports.
I grew up with three brothers.
We like to argue over who my mom's favorite is.
But even more than that, we like to argue
over who her least favorite is.
I thought I was gonna get her the other day.
I was like, "Mom, you're trapped in a room
with the four of us and a killer.
One of us has to go. Who do you pick?"
And she was like, "Well, I guess I would pick me."
"Ohh."
And then she said, "Because I have no interest
in being trapped in a room with even three of you."
[ Laughter ]
She has a vicious sense of humor.
One time, my brother called me an ignoramus.
And she said, "Hey, you can't talk to her like that.
You have to use smaller words."
[ Laughter and applause ]
Alright, thank you so much. I really appreciate it.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Hey! Come on, pal!
Samantha Ruddy!
"Logging out" is available on Apple Music.
We'll be right back, ladies and gentlemen.