- Can you believe it's only been six months
since your last performance review?
Wow. Where to begin?
I guess, let's start at the top.
Your hair is disgusting. Everybody can tell
you're using shampoo-conditioner combo.
Moving down the skull, you're starting to get
bags under your eyes like Jake,
and it's making harder to tell you apart.
- On a positive note, you are not a fraud,
but that's only because you failed to fool anyone
into thinking you are remotely competent.
[cell phone buzzing] On a negative note,
you're an absolute fool.
And you're checking your phone in the middle
of a performance review.
- Your knees are knobby as all hell,
just two big, horrifying knobs.
I'd turn them, but I'm afraid what lurks behind those doors.
I'll skip your splinty shins for now,
but we both know your toes are weird,
and last but not least,
we know from our screen monitoring program
you've been watching movies at work.
And you have terrible taste.
In summation, your job is hanging by a thread,
and you're living in a scissors factory.
- Well, John, some of those adjectives
will haunt me for the rest of my life.
- Right. - You clearly put
a lot of thought into that, so...
good job.
[dramatic music]
- Sorry, you're telling me that I did a good job
on your performance review?
♪ ♪
- Yeah?
- Great.
Thank you, Matt.
I did do a good job.
[both laughing]
And hey, all that stuff about your job
hanging by a thread, you know I'm just
trying to motivate you, right?
I mean, if the lion tamer doesn't crack the whip,
the lions start thinking he doesn't have a whip.
You catch my drift? I don't know if you've ever
seen lions turn on their master,
but there's a reason that I stopped watching lion videos.
- That's a really effective analogy, John.
Good job.
- Great.