>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, WELCOME BACK.
WELCOME BACK TO FRIDAY, WHICH THIS DEFINITELY IS.
YOU KNOW, IT ALWAYS FEELS LIKE WE'VE BARELY SURVIVED ANOTHER
FIVE DAYS WHEN WE GET TO THIS POINT.
THAT'S WHY ON FRIDAYS, I LIKE TO SIT BACK, TAKE A KNEE, AND ENJOY
"THE BEST OF THIS WEEK'S 'LATE SHOW'."
JIM?
>> TODAY, IF THEY HIT TOO HARD, 15 YARDS, THROW HIM OUT OF THE
GAME.
THEY HAD THAT LAST WEEK.
I WATCHED FOR A COUPLE OF MINUTES, AND TWO GUYS JUST
REALLY, BEAUTIFUL TACKLE.
BOOM!
15 YARDS.
THEY'RE RUINING THE GAME!
RIGHT?
( APPLAUSE ) THEY'RE RUINING THE GAME.
>> Stephen: THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH BRAIN DAMAGE.
I MEAN, LOOK HOW FAR I GOT.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Jon: OOOOH!
>> Stephen: I GOT NOTHING.
NOTHING UP HERE.
>> WOULDN'T YOU LOVE TO SEE ONE OF THESE N.F.L. OWNERS WHEN
SOMEBODY DISRESPECTS OUR FLAG IT TO SAY, "GET THAT SON OF A BITCH
OFF THE FIELD RIGHT NOW.
OUT.
HE'S FIRED.
HE'S FIRED!" ( AUDIENCE BOOING ).
>> Stephen: WOW.
SON OF A BITCH.
THAT WAS UNNECESSARY.
THAT WAS UNNECESSARY ROUGHNESS.
THERE SHOULD BE A FLAG ON THAT PLAY, AND I'M GOING TO SAY A
CONFEDERATE FLAG.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
"YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO PROM WITH ME?
GUESS WHAT?
PROM IS CANCELED BECAUSE IT'S STUPID.
I DIDN'T WANT TO GO TO BEGIN WITH, AND I'M NOT CRYING.
YOU'RE CRYING.
OKAY."
YOU'RE MARRY TO THE HUNK RIGHT HERE, JOE MANGANIELLO, RIGHT
THERE.
>> OH, YES!
>> Stephen: WOW, WOW.
>> IT'S LIKE WAKING UP EVERY MORNING TO THE EIFFEL TOWER.
I MEAN, YOU DON'T GET TIRED OF THAT VIEW NO MATTER WHAT.
IT'S NOT LEAK YOU WAKE UP ONE DAY, "THIS STUPID TOWER!
ALWAYS IN THE WAY OF EVERYTHING."
NO.
>> Stephen: THEY SAY IF YOU HAVE THE EIFFEL TOWER FOR MORE
THAN FOUR HOURS, YOU SHOULD YAWRL DOCTOR.
>> I'VE HEARD THAT, TOO, YEAH.
>> WE WILL CUT TAXES FOR THE EVERYDAY, HARDWORKING AMERICANS.
I'M DOING THE RIGHT THING.
AND IT'S NOT GOOD FOR ME, BELIEVE ME.
>> Stephen: "IT'S NOT GOOD FOR ME.
I MEAN, IT'S ABOUT TAXES.
I NEVER PAY THOSE.
NOTHING TO DO WITH ME."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: AND, OF COURSE, IF YOU'RE GOING TO DO IT YOU NEED
TO HAVE SOME PROTECTION.
SO HERE'S A LITTLE RHYME I CAME UP WITH TO HUP REMEMBER.
BEFORE YOUR STRAIGHT OR GROUP GAY SEX
WRAP YOUR PENIS IN LATEX.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ).
>> YEAH.
TRUE.
IT'S TRUE.
NO DOUBT.
NO DOUBT, UNCLE STEVE.
OR YOU CAN SAVE 10 BUCKS AND JUST PUT A TOOTH WHITENING STRIP
ON EUROPEANER.
WORKS GREAT!
>> Stephen: DON'T DO THAT.
>> DO IT!
( LAUGHTER ) MY PENIS HAS NEVER BEEN WHITER.
>> ON HEALTH CARE, WE HAVE THE VOTES FOR HEALTH CARE.
WE HAVE THE VOTES.
AS YOU KNOW, WE HAVE THE VOTES.
BUT, YOU KNOW, WE'RE ONLY-- WE'RE ONLY ONE OFF.
MAYBE TWO.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Stephen: THEN YOU DON'T HAVE THE VOTES!
IF YOU'RE ONE-- THAT'S LEAK A BASEBALL MANAGER SAYING, "AS YOU
KNOW, WE HAVE THE HOME RUN.
YOU KNOW WE HAVE IT.
WE'RE JUST ONE, MAYBE TWO BASES SHORT."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) "BUT JUST, HIT THE BALL."
>> Stephen: YOU SAID THAT SINGING IS PRAYING TWICE.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT?
>> UM, WELL, I MEAN, IT'S ALWAYS GREAT TO PRAY.
AND WHEN YOU WORSHIP IN SONG, THERE'S JUST-- I DON'T KNOW--
THIS-- YOU'RE ABLE TO DO IT WITH MUCH MORE FERVOR.
OR AT LEAST I AM.
I THINK I THOUGHT I SOUNDED POETIC WHEN I SAID IT, AND CAN
NOW WHEN YOU'RE ASKING ABOUT IT, I'M LIKE, I DON'T KNOW.
IT WAS DUMB.
>> Stephen: TO ME IT MEANS THE WORDS HAVE THEIR OWN MEANING BUT
THE EXPRESSION OF YOUR HEART COMES THROUGH IN THE SOUND IN
WAYS THAT THE WORDS CANNOT CAPTURE
♪ THE DAY IS ON ITS WAY IT COULDN'T WAIT NO MORE
♪ HERE IT COMES HERE IT COMES
♪ READY OR NOT READY OR NOT ♪
>> Stephen: THE SOUND OF THE SONG SPEAKS IN THE WAY WORDS
CAN'T REACH.
THAT'S WHAT IT MEANT TO ME.
>> THAT'S WHY WE'RE FRIENDS.
( APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK, EVERYBODY.