LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
ANYBODY THIS AFTERNOON WATCH THE TESTIMONY BEFORE THE HOUSE
JUDICIARY COMMITTEE?
IT WAS A PARLIAMENTARY SMACKDOWN.
THE CAPITAL DOME BECAME THE THUNDERDOME.
AND IT'S ALL DURING THE TESTIMONY OF F.B.I. AGENT AND
MAN THINKING ABOUT COLD STONE CREAMERY, PETER STRZOK.
BACK IN 2016, STRZOK WAS PART OF THE F.B.I.'S INVESTIGATIONS INTO
BOTH HILLARY CLINTON AND THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN.
AND SINCE THEN, IT'S COME OUT THAT HE EXCHANGED ANTI-TRUMP
TEXT MESSAGES WITH HIS MISTRESS, AN F.B.I. LAWYER, SAYING THINGS
LIKE: "GOD HILLARY SHOULD WIN, A HUNDRED-MILLION TO ZERO."
"TRUMP IS A (BLEEP) IDIOT," AND "WHAT THE (BLEEP) HAPPENED TO
OUR COUNTRY??!?!" ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I DON'T KNOW, BUT HOPEFULLY
ROBERT MUELLER CAN TELL US SOON.
( CHEERING ) ( PIANO RIFF )
REPUBLICANS SEE THESE TEXTS AS PROOF OF A VAST CONSPIRACY
WITHIN THE F.B.I. TO STOP DONALD TRUMP FROM BEING ELECTED
PRESIDENT.
AND HERE'S HOW DEVIOUS THEY WERE: IN ORDER TO KEEP IT A
SECRET: THEY LET HIM GET ELECTED PRESIDENT.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT, WHEN STRZOK WENT BEFORE
CONGRESS TODAY, THE HEAT WAS ON.
WHICH IS WHY WE'RE CALLING OUR COVERAGE--
>> RED HOT CONGRESSIONAL STRZOK-FEST 2018.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WELCOME WELCOME, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN.
WELCOME TO THE STRZOK-FEST.
RIGHT FROM HIS OPENING STATEMENT, STRZOK
CAME OUT SWINGING.
>> I HAVE THE UTMOST RESPECT FOR CONGRESS' OVERSIGHT ROLE, BUT I
STRONGLY BELIEVE TODAY'S HEARING IS JUST ANOTHER VICTORY NOTCH IN
PUTIN'S BELT.
>> STEPHEN: AFTER THE LAST TWO YEARS, I'M SURPRISED PUTIN HAS
ANY BELT LEFT.
IT'S GOTTA BE ALL NOTCH AT THIS POINT.
THEN THE GRILLING BEGAN, STARTING WITH QUESTIONS FROM
SOUTH CAROLINA CONGRESSMAN AND SUPERCUTS VAMPIRE, TREY GOWDY.
NO MATTER HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT STRZOK'S TEXTS, YOU HAVE TO
AGREE, IT WAS FUN TO HEAR TREY GOWDY READ THEM OUT LOUD.
>> YOU SAID, "TRUMP IS A DISASTER."
YOU SAID, "OH EM GEE THIS IS F-ING TERRIFYING."
>> STEPHEN: YOU WENT ON TO SAY, "W-T-F BAE, THIS GUY'S
THIRSTY A-F, IT'S LIT FIDGET SPINNER, HASHTAG KEN
BONE."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) STRZOK DECLINED TO ANSWER SOME
OF GOWDY'S QUESTIONS, BASED ON INSTRUCTIONS FROM F.B.I.
LAWYERS.
AND THAT'S WHEN ALL RHETORICAL HELL BROKE LOSE.
CHECK OUT THE EXCHANGE BETWEEN.
CHAIR OF THE HOUSE JUDICIARY COMMITTEE AND MANNEQUIN HEAD THE
MAKEUP ARTISTS PRACTICE ON, BOB GOODLATTE, AND DEMOCRATIC
CONGRESSMAN AND ONE OF MY TOP FIVE FAVORITE JERROLDS, JERROLD
NADLER, CAUSE IT GETS REAL.
>> MR. STRZOK, YOU ARE UNDER SUBPOENA AND ARE REQUIRED TO
ANSWER THE QUESTION.
ARE YOU OBJECTING TO THE QUESTION?
IF SO, PLEASE STATE YOUR OBJECTION.
>> MR. CHAIRMAN, I OBJECT.
>> THE GENTLEMAN DOES NOT HAVE STANDING TO OBJECT.
THERE IS NO-- >> POINT OF ORDER--
>> NO POINT OF ORDER HERE.
>> POINT OF ORDER.
IT SHOULD BE HEARD.
>> IF WE HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THIS POLICY, WE SHOULD TAKE IT
UP WITH THE F.B.I., NOT BADGER MR. STRZOK.
>> THE GENTLEMAN'S POINT OF ORDER IS NOT WELL-TAKEN.
>> IT'S RIGHT ON POINT-- >> NO, IT'S NOT.
>> POINT OF ORDER, MR. CHAIRMAN.
>> YOUR-- LET ME CONTINUE.
>> POINT OF ORDER, MR. CHAIRMAN.
POINT OF ORDER.
>> DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?
>> POINT OF ORDER, MR. CHAIRMAN.
>> THE QUESTION IS DIRECTED TO THE WITNESS.
>> AND I HAVE A POINT OF ORDER BEFORE HE ANSWERS THE QUESTION.
>> THE POINT OF ORDER IS NOT WELL TAKEN.
>> YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THE POINT OF ORDER IS.
YOU CAN'T SAY IT'S NOT WELL TAKEN.
>> THE POINT OF ORDER-- THE WITNESS WILL ANSWER THE
QUESTION.
>> MR. CHAIRMAN, I RAISE MY POINT OF ORDER AND I INSIST ON
IT.
>> STEPHEN: DAMN!
IT'S ROBERT'S RULES OF BACK OFF OR I WILL CUT A BITCH!
POINT OF ORDER.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) UH, UH, POINT OF ORDER,
THE POINT OF ORDER IS NOT WELL TAKEN.
POINT OF ORDER, YOU MUST TAKE MY POINT OF ORDER AND YOU MUST TAKE
IT WELL.
SUBSEQUENT POINT OF ORDER NOT TAKEN!
POINT OF ORDER PURSUANT TO THE PREVIOUS POINT OF ORDER
REGARDING THE WELLNESS OF IT'S TAKEN-I-TUDE.
THE GENTLEMEN WILL YIELD ALL OF HIS POINTS AND ALL OF HIS
ORDERS!
I APPEAL THE POINTII-NESS OF THAT ORDER UNTO THE OBJECTION,
WHICH I AM HOLDING IN CONTEMPT OF PREVIOUS ORDERS AND POINTS!
I APPEAL YOUR APPEAL.
EVERYTHING YOU APPEAL BOUNCES OFF ME AND APPEALS ONTO YOU!
NEW POINT OF ORDER: THE CHAIR WILL RECOGNIZE THAT YOU'RE A BIG
DUMB STUPID-HEAD.
THE CHAIR WILL NOT RECOGNIZE YOUR POINT, BECAUSE THIS IS WHAT
YOU LOOK LIKE.
DURR.
POINT OF ORDER: (BLEEP) YOU.
POINT OF ORDER, NO (BLEEP) YOU.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
( AUDIENCE CHANTING STEPHEN ) ( CHEERING )
THE BATTLE RAGED ON AS GOODLATTE REFUSED TO LET STRZOK CONFER
WITH THE F.B.I. COUNSEL.
>> COUNSEL FOR THE F.B.I. IS SITTING HERE BEHIND ME.
MAY I CONSULT WITH THEM?
>> YOU MAY CONSULT WITH YOUR OWN COUNSEL.
(GASPS) >> BUT I MAY NOT CONSULT WITH
THE F.B.I.'S COUNSEL?
>> ONLY WITH YOUR OWN COUNSEL.
>> MR. CHAIRMAN THERE'S NO BASIS FOR THAT!
HE CAN CONSULT WITH THE F.B.I.
COUNSEL.
HE'S AN F.B.I. EMPLOYEE.
>> THE GENTLEMAN IS NOT RECOGNIZED.
>> AND THE CHAIRMAN IS NOT BEING PROPER.
>> THE CHAIRMAN IS BEING PROPER!
>> THE WITNESS CAN'T BE DIRECTED NOT TO CONFER WITH HIS ATTORNEY!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> STEPHEN: CONGRESSMAN ANDY COHEN IS RIGHT!
THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I'VE SEEN CONGRESS AS FRUSTRATED WITH
CONGRESS AS WE ARE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YOU CAN'T DO -- YOU CAN'T DO THAT!
YOU -- YOU -- YOU CAN'T!
( LAUGHTER ) AND THINGS GOT CRAZY WHEN JERRY
NADLER ACCUSED GOODLATTE OF HIDING THE TRUTH.
>> I WILL OBSERVE THAT THE CHAIRMAN WILL NOT ANSWER THE
QUESTION AND THAT THIS IS PART OF THE CONTINUED EVASION... AND,
UH, ATTEMPT AT, UH, UH, OBFUSCATION.
>> WILL THE GENTLEMEN YIELD?
>> STEPHEN: OH, DAMN!
YOU SEE THAT?
THE CHAIRMAN WANTS TO KNOW IF THE GENTLEMAN WILL YIELD!?
GOODLATTE'S GOING TO BRING THE GAVEL DOWN.
LET'S WATCH THE FUR FLY!
>> WILL THE GENTLEMAN YIELD?
>> NO, NOT AT THE MOMENT.
>> VERY GOOD.
>> Stephen: THE BIG BATTLE WAS BETWEEN STRZOK AND GOWDY.
>> YOUR TESTIMONY IS BOB MUELLER DID NOT KICK YOU OFF BECAUSE OF
THE CONTENT OF YOUR TEXT.
HE KICKED YOU OFF BECAUSE OF SOME APPEARANCE?
>> I AM STATING TO YOU THAT IT IS NOT MY UNDERSTANDING THAT HE
KICKED ME OFF BECAUSE OF ANY BIAS, THAT IT WAS DONE BASED ON
THE APPEARANCE.
IF YOU WANT TO REPRESENT WHAT YOU SAID ACCURATELY, I'M HAPPY
TO ANSWER THAT QUESTION, BUT I DON'T APPRECIATE WHAT WAS
ORIGINALLY SAID BEING CHANGED.
>> I DON'T GIVE A DAMN WHAT YOU APPRECIATE, AGENT STRZOK.
I DON'T APPRECIATE HAVING AN F.B.I. AGENT WITH AN
UNPRECEDENTED LEVEL OF ANIMUS WORKING ON TWO MAJOR
INVESTIGATIONS DURING 2016.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Jon: WHOO!
WHOO!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: WOW, THAT WAS INTENSE!
IT WAS LIKE "A FEW GOOD MEN," BUT WITH EVEN FEWER GOOD MEN.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, GOWDY WAS FINISHED
QUESTIONING, BUT DEMOCRATS INSISTED THAT AGENT STRZOK BE
ALLOWED TO ANSWER AND, UH, HE DID.
>> I CAN ASSURE YOU, MR. CHAIRMAN, AT NO TIME IN ANY
OF THESE TEXTS DID THOSE PERSONAL BELIEFS EVER ENTER INTO
THE REALM OF ANY ACTION I TOOK.
THE SUGGESTION THAT I IN SOME DARK CHAMBER SOMEWHERE IN THE
F.B.I. WOULD SOMEHOW CAST ASIDE ALL OF THESE PROCEDURES, ALL OF
THESE SAFEGUARDS AND SOMEHOW BE ABLE TO DO THIS IS ASTOUNDING TO
ME.
IT SIMPLY COULDN'T HAPPEN.
THE PROPOSITION THAT THAT IS GOING ON OR THAT IT MIGHT OCCUR
IN THE F.B.I. DEEPLY CORRODES WHAT THE F.B.I. IS IN AMERICAN
SOCIETY, THE EFFECTIVENESS OF THEIR MISSION.
AND IT IS DEEPLY DESTRUCTIVE.
( APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: WHOO!
>> Stephen: I WAS WONDERING WHY GOWDY WAS
SLUMPED SO FAR DOWN IN HIS CHAIR.
IT'S BECAUSE HE HAD HIS ASS HANDED TO HIM.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT WAS JUST LEGS AND SPINE JUST
GONE.
BUT THEN, OF COURSE, THERE WAS A LUNCH BREAK AND, AFTER LUNCH, IT
WAS PAYBACK TIME, BUDDY!
SO GOWDY'S BUDDY TEXAS CONGRESSMAN AND FACE PAINTED ON
AN EGG, LOUIE GOHMERT, LIT INTO STRZOK.
>> I CAN'T HELP BUT WONDER WHEN I SEE YOU LOOKING THERE WITH A
LITTLE SMIRK, HOW MANY TIMES DID YOU LOOK SO INNOCENT INTO YOUR
WIFE'S EYE AND LIE TO HER ABOUT LISA?
(EXPLOSION OF CROSSTALK) >> MR. CHAIRMAN THIS
IS OUTRAGEOUS!
>> MR. CHAIRMAN PLEASE!
>> THIS IS INTOLERABLE HARASSMENT OF THE WITNESS!
SHAME ON YOU!
>> WHAT IS WRONG WITH THAT-- YOU NEED YOUR MEDICATION!
( CHEERING ) >> Jon: WHOOOOOOO!
YAAAAAAAAY!
>> Stephen: WOW.
WOW...
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IT'S A GOOD POINT.
I THINK WE WOULD ALL BE BETTER OFF WITH SOME DRUGS TO GET
THROUGH THIS.
ONCE AGAIN, STRZOK STRUCK BACK.
>> I HAVE ALWAYS TOLD THE TRUTH.
THE FACT THAT YOU WOULD ACCUSE ME OTHERWISE, THE FACT THAT
YOU WOULD QUESTION WHETHER OR NOT THAT WAS THE LOOK I WOULD
ENGAGE WITH IN A FAMILY MEMBER WHO I HAVE ACKNOWLEDGED HURTING
GOES MORE TO A DISCUSSION ABOUT YOUR CHARACTER AND WHAT YOU
STAND FOR AND WHAT'S GOING INSIDE YOU.
>> STEPHEN: IT'S NOT OUR BUSINESS WHAT'S GOING INSIDE
LOUIS GOHMERT, BUT I'M DOING TO ASSUME HE MEANT WHAT'S GOING
"ON" INSIDE LOUIS GOHMERT.
WHICH IS AN EXCELLENT POINT, WHAT IS GOING ON INSIDE LOUIS
GOHMERT?
>> AND I CAN'T HELP BUT WONDER WHEN I SEE YOU LOOKING THERE
WITH A LITTLE SMIRK HOW MANY TIMES DID YOU LOOK SO INNOCENT
INTO YOUR -- ♪
♪ ♪
>> Stephen: IT'S ACTUALLY MUCH MORE COMPLEX THAN I THOUGHT.
I MISJUDGED THE MAN: ( APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: YEAH YEAH.
>> STEPHEN: SO, IT LOOKS LIKE WHAT HAPPENED HERE IS THAT
CONGRESS HAULED IN AN F.B.I.
AGENT IN AN EFFORT TO UNDERMINE THE INTEGRITY OF LAW
ENFORCEMENT AND PROTECT THE PRESIDENT FROM BEING
INVESTIGATED FOR POTENTIALLY CRIMINAL ACTS.
OR AS TREY GOWDY WOULD SAY: OH EM GEE, THIS IS F-ING
TERRIFYING.
( LAUGHTER ) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.
LAWRENCE O'DONNELL IS HERE.
BUT WHEN WE RETURN, TRUMP IN EUROPE.
STICK AROUND!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )