- Make some noise if you're attractive.
(audience cheers)
Okay, some of y'all need to humble yourselves.
I feel some like some ugly people cheered.
I'm not gon' point no fingers,
but you know who you are.
Anyway, I'm out here.
I'm thriving, you see me face?
Fabulous.
So I'm remixing my look a little bit.
I shaved all my hair off last year
and I bleached it on Sunday.
I walked into the salon and I was like,
"Make me look like Jada Pinkett Smith!"
And the hairdresser was like, "Jaden Smith?
"Say no more, fam."
So now I look like Will Smith's sexy son, okay.
(audience laughs)
I see some ugly people laughing at that still.
Okay, wow.
(audience laughs)
But life is good, I'm doing really well.
I just moved into a one-bedroom apartment, by myself!
Okay?
(audience cheers)
Richest person in the room!
Roommates are trash,
but a necessary evil, right?
Because sometimes, you'll be naked on your couch,
just covered in Doritos dust.
And you need that person to come in and be like,
"This your whole day?
"You don't have anything on the Google Calendar for today?
"This your whole day?"
(audience laughs)
I'm not saying that I need a roommate,
but the other day, I was trapped
in a "Law and Order: SVU" marathon.
Whew!
It was me, Benson, Stabler.
Captain Cragen was there.
Ice-T was there drinking a lemonade.
(audience laughs)
We're all just covered in dust, right?
You watch enough of that show for long enough,
you think you're a cop.
Right?
You think that you're a cop.
I went to the store and there was a little boy
crying in the aisle and I was like,
"Hey, I'm Detective Faustin.
"Show me on this box of Lucky Charms
"where they touched you."
And his mom was like, "Excuse me, hi, hey.
"Please don't talk to my son."
And I was like, "Overruled!
"She's badgering the witness."
And that is how I got kicked out of Target.
They told me not to come back.
(laughs) Bitch, please.
I went four times that day.
I love Target.
I be using the self-checkout.
Does anybody else
steal?
Whew!
I be scanning everything in as bananas, okay?
(audience laughs)
Everyday is Black Friday at my house (chuckling).
I got three TVs, okay?
I live in a shoes-off house.
Do you guys know what that is?
It's a lot of white people in here, I'ma explain.
A shoes-off house means you take your shoes
off at the door and you don't walk into my house
with your dirty-ass shoes.
Okay, I see one.
Okay, one person's like, "Mmm-hmm."
But not everybody can have a shoes-off house, right?
Some people.
Have you ever been to your dirty friend's house.
And y'all are thinking about it.
If you're trying to figure out which friend is dirty,
they all dirty.
Okay, look at the dirty section of the room right there.
You ever go to your dirty friend's house
and they're like, "Do you mind taking your shoes off?"
And you be like, "I do mind.
"Your cat got his Timbs on, I'ma leave mine on too."
(audience laughing)
Ladies, have you ever gone on a date with a dude
and you're like, "Oh, I'ma bang the shit outta of him."
And then you get to his house, and you're like "Uh-uh.
"Uh, uh, uh.
"This is where you live?
"But you have all your teeth?
"Uh?
"Oh, I'm not getting naked in here.
"The only position we doing is through osmosis.
"You gon' have to slide my coat to the side.
"This is gross."
It be cobwebs.
Do you know how dirty your house has to be
for you to have cobwebs in a house
that you actively live in?
Okay, cobwebs are for basements, attics, crawl spaces,
houses in Detroit.
That's what cobwebs are for.
Charlotte be looking at you like,
(audience laughs)
"You thought you was gon' get some dick tonight?
"Not in my house!"
Do you guys think it's possible to have the perfect life,
like dream job, dream body, dream edges?
You guys think it's possible?
(audience laughing)
I don't know 'cause like all my sexy friends are depressed.
All my rich friends are ugly.
And all my skinny friends live in a studio
with roommates above a bowling alley
and then directly below a different bowling alley, so.
(audience laughs)
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, she's thriving.
So I'm terrified that something bad is gonna happen to me
because I feel like nobody gets everything that they want.
You know, you see me up here, thriving.
I'm afraid that something bad is gonna happen.
And maybe not something catastrophic,
but something small and terrible
like I'ma zip my pubes in my fly,
or a homeless is gonna touch the back of my neck
with a wet hand.
(audience groans)
And I don't have hair anymore,
so I'm just out here, naked and afraid.
(audience laughing)
Or even worse, I feel like I'ma bust my ass
in front of Michael B. Jordan.
And I'ma have on a skirt and my nastiest panties.
And he's gonna be like,
"Whoop, that young man took a tumble."
You know, I can't afford a slip and fall, you know?
I ain't got no insurance.
I had insurance once.
Ah, I remember it like it was 2018.
(audience laughs)
That insurance took me to the gynecologist.
And I hadn't been to the gynecologist in so long
that I forgot how that works, right?
So I stripped butt-naked
and I laid face down (laughing).
And the doctor came in and he was like, "Uh?"
(audience laughs)
"You not getting a massage."
And I was like, "Oh, you guys don't do happy endings here?"
And he was like, "Not for people with Medicaid.
"Poor people can't come here."
So I flipped and I'm doing my little split in the stirrups
like you do.
And the doctor was like, "Huh."
You never wanna hear your doctor say, "Huh,"
while they're looking inside you.
I was like, "What's going on?"
He was like, "I'll be right back."
And then he left.
And I was like, "Oh, my god.
"He went to go check the textbook."
I got one of them Dr. House diseases.
Like he went to google this.
So I googled it.
I typed in, "Huh."
And WebMD was like, "Leprosy pussy."
I was like, "I must have spelled huh wrong.
"I feel like I don't have that."
And the doctor came in with a team of people.
He brought backup.
There was a dude in there eating Cool Ranch Doritos.
I was like, "Is he on break?"
They were like, "Um, he does not work here.
"He might be on break from his job,
"but he not clocked in here."
And I was like, "What's up, doc?"
Which I thought was funny, doctor did not laugh.
But the dude with the chips was like, "Ha ha,
"what's up, doc?"
So he's my emergency contact now.
I'm like, "What's going on?"
And the doctor's like, "We can't find your cervix."
And I was like, "What
"is a cervix?" (laughing)