WITH ANY LUCK, HARRY AND MEGAN WILL BE BACK ACROSS THE POND IN
TIME TO VOTE IN THE 2020 ELECTION.
AND THE DEMOCRATS--
THE DEMOCRATS STILL HAVE A TON OF CHOICES OUT THERE-- HELLO.
STILL DON'T KNOW WHO THAT IS.
I STILL DON'T KNOW WHO THAT IS.
LAST WEEK, THEY WENT DOWN TO A TON MINUS ONE, BECAUSE FORMER
HOUSING AND URBAN DEVELOPMENT SECRETARY JULIAN CASTRO
ANNOUNCED HE WAS ENDING HIS CAMPAIGN.
SO IT IS TIME TO SAY GOODBYE TO SECRETARY CASTRO.
OKAY.
WAIT A SECOND!
IS THAT HIS TWIN, JOAQUIN CASTRO?
YOU GUYS CAN'T "PARENT TRAP" US!
GET OUT OF HERE!
OF COURSE, AS SOME FOLKS LEAVE THE RACE, OTHERS JUMP RIGHT IN.
THE MOST RECENT TO JOIN WAS FORMER NEW YORK MAYOR AND
MAN WITH MONOGRAMMED SEAT BELT BOWTIE, IN CASE HIS NECK IS IN
AN DESCENT, MICHAEL BLOOMBERG.
IF YOU HAVE A TV, YOU MAY HAVE HEARD OF HIM, BECAUSE BLOOMBERG
HAS SPENT A STAGGERING $100 MILLION ON CAMPAIGN ADS
IN ONE MONTH.
HE'S HOPING HE CAN GET ELECTED JUST BY BEING RECOGNIZED FROM
TV ADS, WHICH IS WHY THE FRONTRUNNER FOR HIS V.P. SLOT IS
THE MUCINEX MUCUS BLOB.
( LAUGHTER )
AD BUY OF ALL.
BLOOMBERG'S CAMPAIGN HAS PURCHASED A 60-SECOND AD DURING
NEXT MONTH'S SUPER BOWL.
WE DON'T KNOW WHAT THE COMMERCIAL IS GOING TO LOOK
LIKE YET.
SO FAR, ALL WE KNOW IS THAT, "THE BIGGEST POINT IS GETTING
UNDER TRUMP'S SKIN."
GOOD LUCK.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
NICE GOAL A NICE GOAL, BUT THAT STUFF'S TOUGHER THAN THE
RIND ON A BUTTERNUT SQUASH.
BUT JUST HOURS AFTER BLOOMBERG'S CAMPAIGN ANNOUNCED THEIR AD BUY,
TRUMP ANNOUNCED HE WAS ALSO DROPPING $10 MILLION ON A SUPER
BOWL AD.
WELL, I HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY TO POLITICIANS OF ALL PARTIES: GET
OUT OF MY SUPER BOWL COMMERCIALS!
I DON'T WANT TO SEE POLITICIANS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I DON'T WANT TO SEE CANDIDATES FOR POLITICAL OFFICE.
I ONLY WANT TO SEE FRIENDSHIPS BETWEEN HORSES AND PUPPIES AND
INTER-RACIAL COUPLES ENJOYING CEREAL.
I WANT TO CRY BECAUSE OF A TRUCK!
THE MAN LOVES THAT TRUCK SO THAT MAN LOVES THAT TRUCK SO
MUCH.
AND HIGHS IN THE TRUCK WITH ANOTHER MAN WHO LOVES THE TRUCK.
AND THE OTHER MAN IS HIS FATHER.
THEY BOTH LOVE THE TRUCK SO MUCH.
>> Audience: OOOH!
>> Stephen: I LOVE YOU, TRUCK.
IN OTHER DEMOCRAT NEWS, LAST NIGHT, ELIZABETH WARREN HELD A
BIG RALLY IN BROOKLYN, AND FROM THE LOOKS OF IT, SHE HAD A GREAT
TIME.
CHECK OUT HER MOVES: ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ JUST A LITTLE BIT HEY, BABY
♪ JUST A LITTLE BIT ♪ >> Stephen: WOW, SHE'S ROCKING A
REAL "EVERY CHAPERONE AT THE EIGHTH GRADE DANCE" VIBE.
♪ ♪ ♪ "VOGUE" RECENTLY WHERE THEY
ASKED ABOUT HER SIGNATURE LOOK: BLACK PANTS, BLACK SHIRT, AND
SOLID-COLORED SWEATERS AND BLAZERS.
OR, AS "VOGUE" FOR SOME REASON PUT IT, WARREN'S CLOSETS, KEPT
IN SPECTRAL ORDER, LOOK LIKE MR. ROGERS'S STRETCHED ACROSS
A COLOR WHEEL.
SOUNDS LIKE AN ODD METAPHOR, BUT-- SPOILER ALERT-- IT'S THE
SHOCKING ENDING OF "A BEAUTIFUL DAY IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD."
( LAUGHTER )
THAT'S KING FRIDAY'S DUDGEON.
THE IDEA IS-- ♪ ♪ ♪
THANK YOU!
WE ALSO GOT THE FOURTH-QUARTER FUNDRAISING NUMBERS THIS WEEK,
AND THEY'RE GOOD FOR THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY, BECAUSE IN
2019, IF YOU COMBINE ALL OF THEM, DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATES
DOUBLED TRUMP'S NUMBERS.
SO CLEARLY--
YEAH, PUT THEM TOGETHER.
HE JUST PUT THEM TOGETHER.
CLEARLY, IN 2020, TRUMP STANDS NO CHANCE AGAINST DEMOCRAZOID.
( LAUGHTER )
FROM MR. BERNIE SANDERS, WHO, IN THE FOURTH QUARTER ALONE, RAISED
$34.5 MILLION.
( APPLAUSE )
AND BERNIE HAS PLANS TO USE IT.
WHILE OTHER DEMOCRATIC CANDIDATES ARE STUCK IN D.C. FOR
THE SENATE'S IMPEACHMENT TRIAL, BERNIE PLANS ON ATTENDING
RALLIES AFTER HOURS BY HOPPING ON PRIVATE JETS.
NOW, AS SOMEONE WHO HAS FLOWN ON A PRIVATE JET, LET ME ASSURE
YOU, THOSE THINGS WILL KNOCK THE SOCIALISM RIGHT OUT OF YOU.
( AS BERNIE )
FOR TOO LONG, THE BILLIONAIRE CLASS HAS-- WAIT.
WE GET TO DRIVE UP STRAIGHT TO THE PLANE, AND I CAN KEEP MY
SHOES ON?
THE BOTTOM 99% CAN REDISTRIBUTE 100% OF THEIR LIPS TO MY BUTT!
I AM BALLING OUT ON THE G6!" SHAKE IT UP, LADIES.
I KNOT A LOT OF MONEY.
I'M RAINING HONEY ROAST PEANUTS BACK HERE."
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
LARRY DAVID IS HERE.
WHEN WE RETURN, FACEBOOK PROMISES TO INTERFERE IN OUR
NEXT ELECTION.