How would you fight an army 50 times your size?
The Japanese war against the Emishi continues.
As you saw in the previous video, the Emishi were mounted ass kickers on the battlefield,
fighting against Japanese armies many times larger.
It’s too bad the history gods didn’t provide us with good documentation on all of the wars,
but we do have writings of this one battle that’ll show us some Emishi ass kickery.
It involves an Emishi warchief named Aterui (阿弖流爲).
There’s actually an anime and movie about Aterui, where he’s portrayed as an Emishi
hero.
We call it the Battle of Koromo River of 789, where a thousand or so Emishi warriors went
up against a force of 52,800 Japanese warriors.
It was similar to the Battle of Sumida River of 2016, where I went up against a force of
52,800 tourists for a good photo spot.
No one ever called *me* a hero.
But let’s see how the Emishi did.
The year was 789.
The Japanese Imperial court was having a hard time dealing with the bearded barbarian problem.
The Emishi were like water.
They fought only on horseback so their speed allowed them to flow through the smallest
cracks in the enemy’s defenses.
The court had been trying to pound them into submission, but it was like trying to get
rid of spilled water by pounding it with your hand.
It just scatters all over the place.
But kept on pounding, they did.
Emperor Kanmu sent an army of 52,800 men to a general named Ki no Kosami (紀古佐美)
and said, “Handle it.”
That’s pretty broad, he thought, but Kosami divided his forces into three armies and marched
north to handle the water warriors.
They crossed Koromo River where it flowed into the Kitakami River, which meant they
were deep in Emishi territory.
It was the domain of the warchief Aterui.
They could see Aterui’s men on the other side of the Kitakami river, who were probably
hurling insults at the Japanese’s inadequate beards.
Kosami figured with the Emishi warriors concentrated on the east side, the heart of Aterui’s
domain was to the east, so he made camp.
He sent 2000 men across the river, they would move up the river and burn the Emishi villages
along the way, crushing any Emishi resistance.
At the same time, he sent another unit to move up the river on the west side, doing
the same.
We don’t know how large this unit is, but they were probably the same size, about 5
foot 7.
Team East and Team West would meet at a certain village and then push east towards the heart
of the enemy.
At the same time, Team Rocket would catch Pikachu.
But when Team East arrived at the village, they didn’t see Team West.
Turns out, Team West couldn’t cross the river because an Emishi force was on the other
side blocking them.
We don’t know the size of this force, but they likely didn’t need many people.
And then 800 Emishi horsemen descended upon Team East.
Even though Aterui had less men, the attack was so sudden and vicious that the Japanese
had a hard time regrouping, especially because their foot soldiers were slower than the Emishi
horsemen.
When the Japanese tried to retreat south, the hammer dropped.
Another 400 Emishi horsemen poured in from the south, blocking them.
The Japanese soldiers, seeing enemy on both sides, and having minimal beards, they panicked
and rushed across the river, taking off their armor to make it across.
The Japanese forces retreated.
And Team Rocket failed to catch Pikachu.
Now you won’t believe the body count afterwards.
So in a battle of thousands, how many Japanese do you think died in combat?
Hundreds at least, right?
Nah, it was 25.
And 245 were injured.
Yeah apparently the Japanese soldiers wore really good heavy armor.
But don’t worry, psychopaths, that heavy armor made it impossible to swim across the
river.
25 was the number of deaths in actual combat, the number of deaths by drowning was 1,036.
Ah, that’s more like it.
The number of men who dropped all their gear to successfully swim across was 1,257.
We don’t know how many Emishi died, but we do know they lost 14 villages and 800 homes.
There’s also evidence that Aterui was a tricky tricky trickster.
Putting his troops on the east side of the Kitakami River might have been a ploy to make
the Japanese think that the core of his lands lay to the east, but most of his civilian
population actually lived in the west, out of harm’s way.
The victory made Aterui a legend, and it made General Kosami an embarrassment.
Miki: Wait!
So he didn’t beat 52,800 men, only 4000?
You’re a liar! Liar! Clickbait! Linfamy: Oh my Amaterasu.
Miki, I’m getting to it.
Go drink your boba and listen.
So it’s true, even though it was a good victory for Aterui, it was one battle and
the Japanese still had a 50k army.
But, the thing is, everyone later found out that Aterui was a surgeon, and he had removed
General Kosami’s balls.
Kosami got cold feet after the loss.
He didn’t want to fight any more.
He wrote a letter to Emperor Kanmu, which went something like this:
Your Majesty, I led my army deep into enemy territory and destroyed many many villages.
More than 13, less than a million.
Some Emishi have escaped into super deep enemy territory and your humble servant would love
to pursue these puny insects, but, you know, it’s very far away and it’ll take a long
time I don’t even know if we have enough food.
And the rain here, oh my kami, the rain is terrible you don’t even know.
There’s really no benefit to going any further into the lands of the Emishi, who are like
bugs under my boots.
The best course of action now is to disband the army and return the supplies to our settlements
because winter is coming.
In fact, I’ve already disbanded them.
Cheers.
Emperor Kanmu responded with broken heart, poop emoji
Kosami and his officers returned to a pissed off court.
They concluded that Kosami’s behavior needed to be punished, but the emperor pardoned him
because of his lengthy service to the court.
He also pardoned most of Kosami’s officers.
So they pretty much got off scott free, minus a few balls.
And that was how a thousand Emishi warriors defeated an army of 50 thousand.
Unfortunately, the fighting didn’t cease.
The Japanese would launch more invasions over the years.
So I went longer than I expected on this battle, so the next video in the series will be about
how the subjugation wars ended... or did they?
Alright, here’s today’s quiz question.
What instrument used to be in Gagaku music, but was removed?
In 24 hours I’ll choose a winner from among the correct answers and you get to choose
one of these charms.
Good luck!
Want more videos on the Emishi?
Check out this playlist.
This week’s new patron is PaulToon.
Thank you Paul.
Alright much love you guys, and spread the knowledge!