Transcriber: Tanya Cushman Reviewer: Peter van de Ven
I'm not a scientist, but I do have a theory.
I believe that the longer you've been single
and the more boring your job is,
the higher the likelihood is
that you'll fall in love with someone that you see at work every day.
(Laughter)
Like whether it's a work colleague
or a customer
or, in my case, the delivery man.
(Laughter)
Eight years ago, I was working at a travel agency at Curtin University,
and when I first got the job, I thought,
"This is going to be great.
Heaps of cheap flights, heaps of awesome adventures."
It wasn't like that at all.
I ended up - most of my days would consist of just data entry
and booking flights for 18-year-olds to go off on their gap adventures,
which, really, are just going across the other side of the world
and embarrassing us by calling, "Aussie, Aussie, Aussie,"
and then vomiting all over themselves.
(Laughter)
That's what they were doing, to be real.
So I was kind of open to new opportunities,
but there wasn't a lot that was happening.
Except the delivery man.
Now, the only problem was
is that he wasn't the delivery man for our business;
he was the delivery man for the business next door, right?
So my whole relationship with him
consisted of him walking past our big shopfront window
and waving at me.
(Laughter)
And I would wave back.
And time would stop.
(Laughter)
We were so in love with each other.
(Laughter)
Sometimes he would wave on the way past
and then again on the way back.
(Laughter)
That was a great day.
He was my Hawaiian Island, you know,
in a sea full of booking these Contiki tours.
And I was the only single girl in the office at the time -
an office full of girls.
And which basically just meant
that conversation revolved around me and my lack of sex life, right,
and what I tried to get up to weekends and fail at miserably,
how I could no longer be single, how they were going to help me.
So every time this delivery man would walk past and wave at me,
they would shriek and scream and get so excited.
They'd be like, "Oh my God, Andrea. He's so in love with you."
You should totes go out there and make a move on him."
And I wanted to go out there and make a move on him,
but I didn't have the guts,
and, to be honest, I thought that he was way, way out of my league
because he was really, really hot
and I normally go for fat, nerdy guys because they're easier to catch.
(Laughter)
They are: they have weak knees and they tire easily.
(Laughter)
But this guy was so incredibly hot.
Like, I was even surprised
because good-looking people aren't normally that friendly,
and he was waving at me.
But he was, you know, like, tall and broad shouldered
and chiseled jaw and tight little butt.
And like really down-to-earth looking,
like the kind of guy that could easily crack open a tinnie with my dad,
who's like a true-blue kangaroo Aussie farmer.
You know, that kind of guy - no worries.
And I was also pretty gutless,
but also at the same time,
I was kind of enjoying
this little wave romance that we had going on, you know.
Like it was really simple and innocent and beautiful
and uncomplicated.
It was like that moment like when you're in high school
and go on a date the first time,
and you're sitting next to the boy, your knees or pinkies touch -
it was like electric.
And I thought,
"This is the beautiful beginning
to the great love story that I'm going to have in my life."
It's, you know, the start of a movie.
It's one of those stories
that will get passed down through the family
from generation to generation:
"Did you hear how Nana and Pop got together? It was hilarious."
And like I had my Nan's funeral, which happened that year.
I remember at her wake, we were all sitting around,
and everyone, all their friends and family,
we were all telling stories about her, beautiful stories about her life.
And I thought,
"Wow, like, in the end, that's all we really are, right.
We're just stories."
Stories are what our lives are made up of.
Stories - how we remember people.
And stories make us feel a little less alone in the world.
But a story isn't a story unless something happens, right?
And after 18 months
(Laughter)
of this wave routine,
I was getting a bit antsy, and something had to happen.
(Laughter)
And it was going to have to be something that I did.
So I decided to do something quite big.
I decided to quit my job.
Not because I had another job to go to,
but because I would be forced to finally make a move on this guy
that I'd been crushing on for the last 18 months.
And I'm good with deadlines, so I had to do it before my last day.
So I told the girls at work, and they were so excited -
not about the quitting bit
but about this thing I was going to do to this guy,
and they gave me suggestions about how to pick him up.
Like, "Just totally go out there, and go like,
'Ah, nice package, mate.'"
(Laughter)
I was like, "Leave the comedy to me.
No thanks."
And I also, you know, I wanted to stick with this like nonverbal communication
that we'd already developed.
I didn't want to go in there full force.
I also - I was going through this stage where I was really addicted to Bob Dylan,
and I loved his music video "Subterranean Homesick Blues,"
where he shows the lyrics to his songs
with these cards,
and I thought, "That's what I'm going to do."
That's what I'm going to do - I'm going to write love notes on cards,
and I'm going to stalk him in the shopfront window
when he walks past on my last day.
So creative.
(Laughter)
So on my second-to-last day, I go home, past the shops,
and I buy these colored cards, and I take them home,
and I write on them with big black texta,
and then I see my handwriting is really messy,
so I get my housemate to do it, a graphic designer,
because for some reason,
I think when the delivery man sees my messy handwriting,
he'll be like, "No deal."
(Laughter)
And so I take them to work with me on my last day,
and I show the girls, and they're well impressed.
They can't believe the effort I've put in, actually,
and I say, "Like, I wouldn't do anything less for the love of my life.
Come on, ladies."
And we're working away that morning; I'm typing at my computer.
Anyone walking past the shopfront - we're all like giddy with excitement.
So we're looking up at them.
And 11:30 passes - that's the time he normally comes in.
I start to get a bit nervous;
I start freaking out because I'm like,
"I don't want to have to come in on Monday and do this unpaid."
(Laughter)
And then, 11:45 comes to pass.
He still hasn't come.
12:00, the shop starts to get busy with students booking flights.
My work colleagues are like,
"Stick around; there's about to be a show."
So there's this like audience that's developing.
12:30 comes along,
and I start to really kind of give up,
and I get up to go out the back to grab my lunch,
and as I stand up, I see him walk straight past the window.
And Shaz, my colleague, starts panicking, like,
"Oh my God, you missed him. Andrea, you missed him."
I'm like, "Calm down, Sharon.
I wanted to get him on the way back past.
That way he could whisk me away into his van romantically
after he'd done all his jobs."
That doesn't sound right, does it?
"Whisk me away romantically in a van?"
(Laughter)
Anyway, I started to gather up my cards,
and I told my boss to crank up the radio,
you know, so that it was like the Ruckus dead fiddle or something.
(Laughter)
And I see him walk out of the shop next door.
I position myself near the window, and I just go for it.
(Music: "Kiss" by Prince)
[Hey mister stop]
[Today is my last day]
[No more waving ever again]
[Will you miss me?]
[How much?]
(Laughter)
[Wow! That's loads!]
(Laughter)
[Do you like ... ]
[Beer?]
[Wow! Me too!]
[It's like we have so much in common!]
[Beer]
[And waving]
[Waving]
[and beer]
[I was wondering ... ]
[Do you have a girlfriend?]
[Wife?]
[Boyfriend?]
(Laughter)
[Me either!!!]
[Do you like the look of these?]
(Laughter)
[Great! Me too]
[Well then, you might need this ...]
[040810626]
(Cheers and applause)
Thanks.
I'm glad you guys appreciate it because he didn't.
(Laughter)
He didn't even get to see half the cards, right,
because I got to the card that said, "Do you have a girlfriend?"
and he had a girlfriend.
(Audience) Awww.
And I didn't have a plan B.
I didn't know what to do; I was so embarrassed.
And everyone that had been cheering me on throughout the whole routine
was suddenly just looking at their computers, working away.
(Laughter)
And I was so embarrassed and shocked that I just put my head behind the card,
and I wanted the floor to open up and just engulf me,
but, you know, science - that doesn't happen.
But I tried to get it to happen
by putting my head against the window and just sliding down the glass.
(Laughter)
I was squatting on the ground, looking up at him, just thinking,
"Just walk away, mate. Just walk away."
But he didn't,
and Shaz goes, "He's coming in. He's coming in."
And he came in; I'm standing there red faced.
He's like, "It's your last day, isn't it?"
and I'm like, "Yeah, mate."
And he gives me a hug, which feels really nice, right,
but not that nice,
because it's like just one of those horrible sympathy hugs,
like, "You'll be all right, mate. You'll be all right."
(Laughter)
And I work away that afternoon, all embarrassed,
and the girls are saying, "You all right?"
And I'm like, "Yeah. I'm totally fine.
Do that all the time."
(Laughter)
Try to pick up guys with cards, you know.
I'm pretty upset.
I get home, and I kind of have a little bit of a cry, you know.
And I'm thinking to myself, "Who does that?"
Like, how'd I think that I could get away with that?
Like life just doesn't happen like that.
You know?
"But," I think, "stuff it."
At least I brought a little bit of joy into his life,
and now he's got a story
where someone made a grand, romantic gesture to him.
And if he's ever feeling a little bit unloved
or unhappy or just mediocre,
then when he thinks of that,
it might bring a smile to his face
and make him feel a little bit less alone in the world.
We can't always choose the stories that we have in our lives,
but if we take a risk
and we show that we're human and vulnerable,
then that's where the best stories lie.
Cheers.
(Applause)