WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW," EVERYBODY.
I'M YOUR SHOWS STEPHEN COLBERT.
( PIANO RIFF ) IT'S GOOD TO BE WITH YOU.
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE.
BOY, WHAT A TERRIBLE WEEKEND.
YEAH.
WHITE SUPREMACISTS FROM AROUND THE COUNTRY CARRYING SHIELDS,
CLUBS, BODY ARMOR, AND AUTOMATIC WEAPONRY DESCENDED ON
CHARLOTTESVILLE, VIRGINIA TO HOLD A RALLY CALLED, "UNITE THE
RIGHT."
THE RALLY WAS A CLEAR ATTEMPT TO SPARK VIOLENCE, AND IT DID.
ONE OF THESE WHITE SUPREMACISTS DROVE A CAR INTO A CROWD OF
COUNTER-PROTESTERS KILLING ONE YOUNG WOMAN, HEATHER HEYER, AND
INJURING 20 MORE.
IN ADDITION, TWO VIRGINIA STATE TROOPERS, WHO WERE MONITORING
THE RALLY FROM THE AIR, WERE KILLED WHEN THEIR HELICOPTER
CRASHED.
OUR HEARTS GO OUT TO THE VICTIMS AND THEIR FAMILIES.
IT IS DIFFICULT HOW HEARTBREAKING IT IS TO SEE THIS
HAPPENING IN OUR COUNTRY.
BUT HERE'S ONE THING THAT'S NOT HARD TO EXPRESS: NAZIS ARE BAD.
THE K.K.K.?
NOT A FAN!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT WASN'T HARD.
THAT ACTUALLY WAS EASY.
I ENJOYED SAYING IT.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT ON SATURDAY, WHEN THE NATION
LOOKED TO OUR PRESIDENT TO REBUKE THESE HATE GROUPS, ALL HE
SAID WAS THIS: >> WE CONDEMN IN THE STRONGEST
POSSIBLE TERMS THIS EGREGIOUS DISPLAY OF HATRED, BIGOTRY AND
VIOLENCE ON MANY SIDES, ON MANY SIDES.
>> STEPHEN: "MANY SIDES?" ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
MR. PRESIDENT, THIS IS TERRORISM, NOT YOUR ORDER AT
K.F.C.
( LAUGHTER ) "I'D LIKE THE TEN PIECE BUCKET
WITH POTATO WEDGES, FRIES, MASHED POTATOES, YOU KNOW WHAT?
MANY SIDES.
MANY SIDES."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) "COLESLAW."
( PIANO RIFF ) HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY SAY YOU
CONDEMN THIS IN THE STRONGEST POSSIBLE TERMS WHEN YOU DON'T
EVEN NAME THE GROUPS RESPONSIBLE OR SAY WHAT THEY DID?
"I STRONGLY CONDEMN YOU-KNOW-WHO, ABOUT
YOU-KNOW-WHAT, AND AREN'T WE ALL NAZIS IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT?"
( LAUGHTER ) I'VE SEEN ANGRIER YELP REVIEWS!
AND, BELIEVE ME, THEY WEREN'T AFRAID TO USE THE WORD "NAZI"
WHEN DESCRIBING HOW LONG THEIR JALAPENO POPPERS TOOK.
HERE'S THE PROBLEM.
THIS IS THE NUT OF WHAT'S MOST DISTURBING ABOUT THIS IS THAT
THE PRESIDENT CAME OUT AFTER A TRAGEDY AND, AFTER HE MADE HIS
STATEMENT, REASONABLE PEOPLE COULD NOT TELL
IF WAS CONDEMNING THE NAZIS.
AND IT'S NOT LIKE TRUMP IS A SHRINKING VIOLET.
HE'S "KNOWN" FOR CRITICIZING THINGS.
IF ONLY THE PRESIDENT WAS AS MAD ABOUT NEO-NAZIS MURDERING PEOPLE
IN THE STREETS AS HE'S BEEN ABOUT HILLARY CLINTON, THE "NEW
YORK TIMES," CNN, JOE SCARBOROUGH, KRISTEN STEWART,
THE CAST OF HAMILTON, DIET COKE, NORDSTROM NOT SELLING HIS
DAUGHTER'S CLOTHES, ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER, MAYOR OF LONDON
SADIQ KHAN, "ME," THE STATE OF NEW HAMPSHIRE, GOLD STAR
FAMILIES, PENN JILLETTE'S LAS VEGAS SHOW, THE MOVIE "DJANGO
UNCHAINED," MERYL STREEP, AND LADY GHOSTBUSTERS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND!
AND WHILE HE WOULDN'T NAME THE PERPETRATORS, TRUMP "WAS" VERY
QUICK TO SAY WHO'S "NOT" TO BLAME.
>> IT'S BEEN GOING ON FOR A LONG TIME IN OUR COUNTRY.
NOT DONALD TRUMP, NOT BARACK OBAMA.
IT'S BEEN GOING ON FOR A LONG, LONG TIME.
>> STEPHEN: "YEAH, OBAMA AND I BOTH SHARE SOME RESPONSIBILITY
HERE, I MEAN, I EMBRACED ALT RIGHT RACISTS, OBAMA IS BLACK,
WE BOTH CONTRIBUTED TO THE PROBLEM IN OUR OWN WAY ."
WELL, AFTER THE PRESIDENT BLEW THE EASIEST CONDEMNATION OF ALL
TIME, TRUMP TOOK CRITICISM FROM "MANY SIDES, MANY SIDES."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) MANY SIDES, I, I --
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BUT HE DID GET PRAISE FROM ONE
GROUP: NEONAZIS.
ONE PROMINENT WHITE POWER WEBSITE WROTE, "TRUMP COMMENTS
WERE GOOD.
HE DIDN'T ATTACK US.
HE JUST SAID THE NATION SHOULD COME TOGETHER.
NOTHING SPECIFIC AGAINST US."
"HE SAID THAT WE NEED TO STUDY WHY PEOPLE ARE SO ANGRY AND
IMPLIED THAT THERE WAS HATE ON BOTH SIDES!
HE SAID HE LOVES US ALL."
CAREFUL, GUYS.
HE SAYS HE LOVES YOU NOW, BUT ONE DAY HE'S GONNA LEAVE YOU FOR
YOUNGER NAZIS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
>> Stephen: THANK YOU, JON.
THANK YOU.
>> Jon: HE MIGHT COME AROUND!
>> Stephen: OF COURSE, NAYSIES AREN'T
THE ONLY ONES PRAISING DONALD TRUMP.
SO WAS THE KLAN.
LIKE FORMER K.K.K. GRAND WIZARD AND CURRENT TAXIDERMY LIZARD,
DAVID DUKE.
( LAUGHTER ) SEEN HERE BEING RACIALLY
SUPERIOR.
( LAUGHTER ) THANK YOU, JON.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) DUKE WAS AT HATE-A-PALOOZA, AND
SAID THIS: >> WE ARE DETERMINED TO TAKE OUR
COUNTRY BACK, WE'RE GOING TO FULFILL THE PROMISES OF DONALD
TRUMP, AND THAT'S WHAT WE BELIEVED IN, THAT'S WHY WE
VOTED FOR DONALD TRUMP.
>> STEPHEN: SO THE KLAN VOTED FOR DONALD TRUMP.
THAT'S RIGHT.
I REMEMBER THEY WORE THOSE SPECIAL "MAKE AMERICA GREAT
AGAIN" HATS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I CERTAINLY HOPE WE'RE APPLAUDING FOR HATS.
( LAUGHTER ) FACED WITH THIS P.R.
CLUSTERMUNCH, ON SUNDAY, THE WHITE HOUSE RELEASED THIS:
"THE PRESIDENT SAID VERY STRONGLY IN HIS STATEMENT
YESTERDAY THAT HE CONDEMNS ALL FORMS OF VIOLENCE, BIGOTRY AND
HATRED AND, OF COURSE, THAT INCLUDES WHITE SUPREMACISTS,
K.K.K., NEO-NAZI, AND ALL EXTREMIST GROUPS."
OKAY.
FINALLY, SOMEONE WILLING TO STAND UP, BUT WE DON'T KNOW WHO
THAT PERSON WAS BECAUSE IT WAS "AN UNIDENTIFIED WHITE HOUSE
SPOKESPERSON."
( LAUGHTER ) WHY UNIDENTIFIED?
"LOOK, OF COURSE, WE DON'T SUPPORT THE NAZIS OR THE K.K.K.
YOU'RE NOT GOING TO USE MY NAME ARE YOU?"
( LAUGHTER ) "I COULD GET IN TROUBLE."
( LAUGHTER ) AND HERE'S THE THING.
SOME PEOPLE DIDN'T NEED THEIR ANTI-NAZI STATEMENTS EXPLAINED
LATER.
LIKE THE MAYOR OF CHARLOTTESVILLE, WHO CALLED THE
RALLY A "COWARDLY PARADE OF HATRED, BIGOTRY, RACISM, AND
INTOLERANCE."
WHICH COINCIDENTALLY WAS ALSO THE THEME OF STEVE BANNON'S
SENIOR PROM.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
"UNDER THE SEA."
>> Jon: "UNDER THE SEA."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
>> Stephen: ALSO, YOU MIGHT RECALL THAT, ON FRIDAY, THE
WHITE SUPREMACISTS HELD A TO HAVE-WIELDING MARCH ONLY HOLDING
TICKY TORCHES.
HOW LAME.
THAT'S LIKE VILLAGERS COMING AFTER FRANKENSTEIN HOLDING
SCENTED CANDLES.
"UGH, SANDLEWOOD VANILLA BAD!" ( LAUGHTER )
AND THE COMPANY THAT MAKES TIKI TORCHES RELEASED A STATEMENT
SAYING, QUOTE: "TIKI BRAND IS NOT ASSOCIATED IN ANY WAY WITH
THE EVENTS THAT TOOK PLACE IN CHARLOTTESVILLE AND ARE DEEPLY
SADDENED AND DISAPPOINTED.
OUR PRODUCTS ARE DESIGNED TO ENHANCE BACKYARD GATHERINGS AND
TO HELP FAMILY AND FRIENDS CONNECT WITH EACH OTHER AT HOME
IN THEIR YARD."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( APPLAUSE )
YES, GIVE IT UP!
GIVE IT UP!
I GOTTA SAY, IT'S PRETTY TROUBLING WHEN A BACKYARD
DECORATION COMES OUT SWINGING STRONGER AGAINST NAZIS THAN THE
PRESIDENT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
YOUR MOVE, LAWN FLAMINGOS.
( LAUGHTER ) SO, FACED WITH GETTING MORALLY
DUNKED ON BY PRETTY MUCH EVERYBODY, TODAY, THEY DUG A
TRENCH, LOWERED THE BAR INTO IT, AND THE PRESIDENT SLITHERED OVER
IT, AND SOMEHOW FOUND THE COURAGE TO READ A STATEMENT
CLEARLY WRITTEN BY SOMEBODY ELSE:
>> RACISM IS EVIL AND THOSE WHO CAUSE VIOLENCE IN ITS NAME ARE
CRIMINALS AND THUGS.
INCLUDING THE K.K.K., NEO-NAZIS, WHITE SUPREMACISTS AND OTHER
HATE GROUPS THAT ARE REPUGNANT TO EVERYTHING WE HOLD DEAR AS
AMERICANS.
>> REPORTER: WAS THAT SO HARD?
WHY DID THAT TAKE TWO DAYS?
"HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT NAZIS?" "GIMME 48 HOURS TO GET BACK TO
YOU."
( LAUGHTER ) AND TRUMP TRIED TO HEAL A NEWS
CYCLE BY REMINDING US WHAT WE ALL HAVE IN COMMON.
>> WE ALL SALUTE THE SAME GREAT FLAG.
>> STEPHEN: NO, WE DON'T.
( LAUGHTER ) I'VE SEEN THEIR FLAGS.
THEY CAN'T AGREE ON WHICH ONE TO SALUTE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
OKAY?
DON'T MIX US UP.
( PIANO RIFF ) HE DIDN'T ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS
THERE, BUT LATER HE WAS PRESSED ON THE ISSUE BY CNN'S JIM
ACOSTA: >> MR. PRESIDENT, CAN YOU COULD
EXPLAIN WHY YOU DID NOT CONDEMN THOSE HATE GROUPS BY NAME OVER
THE WEEKEND?
>> THEY'VE BEEN CONDEMNED.
THEY HAVE BEEN CONDEMNED.
>> WHY ARE WE NOT HAVING A PRESS CONFERENCE TODAY?
YOU SAID ON FRIDAY WE'D HAVE A PRESS CONFERENCE.
>> WE HAD A PRESS CONFERENCE.
WE JUST HAD A PRESS CONFERENCE.
>> CAN WE ASK YOU SOME MORE QUESTIONS ABOUT THAT SIR?
>> IT DOESN'T BOTHER ME AT ALL.
I LIKE REAL NEWS.
NOT FAKE NEWS.
YOU'RE FAKE NEWS.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) >> STEPHEN: SEE HOW FAST YOU
CONDEMNED CNN, RIGHT OFF THE TOP OF YOUR HEAD WITH NO SCRIPT.
NEXT TIME, LIKE THAT, BUT WITH NAZIS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT'S SIMPLE.
HE CAN DO IT.
HE'S VERY GOOD AT IT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND HERE'S ANOTHER THING I DON'T
LIKE ABOUT NAZIS.
A LOT OF THESE GUYS SHOWED UP TO THE RALLY "WEARING THEIR UNIFORM
OF KHAKIS AND WHITE POLO SHIRTS."
BECAUSE NOTHING STRIKES MORE FEAR IN THE HEARTS OF YOUR
ENEMIES THAN COSPLAYING AS THE ASSISTANT MANAGER OF A POOL
SUPPLY COMPANY.
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
LOOK, NAZIS, YOU DON'T GET TURN KHAKIS AND WHITE POLO SHIRTS
INTO THE OFFICIAL UNIFORM OF RACISM.
WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN TO GUYS WHO ACTUALLY DRESS LIKE THAT?
PEOPLE LIKE ME AND JAKE FROM STATE FARM?
( LAUGHTER ) DO I HAVE TO THROW OUT ALL MY
POLO SHIRTS NOW?
WELL, TWO CAN PLAY AT THAT GAME.
IF YOU GET TO RUIN KHAKIS AND POLO SHIRTS, I SAY RED BASEBALL
CAPS MEAN YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.
I'LL SIT DOWN WITH "THE MOOCH"!