WELCOME, WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW."
( CHEERS )
I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
IT IS DAY THREE?
WE ARE ON TO DAY THREE OF LIVE IMPEACHMENT HEARINGS.
AND I'M GOING TO GIVE YOU ALL THE LATEST DIETZ IN TONIGHT'S
EDITION OF: "DON AND THE GIANT IMPEACH."
>> HELP ME, PLEASE, HELP ME!
>> Stephen: THE FIRST OF FOUR WITNESSES TODAY WAS
NATIONAL SECURITY COUNCIL UKRAINE EXPERT, LIEUTENANT
COLONEL ALEXANDER VINDMAN, SEEN HERE LAUNCHING SHOCK AND AWWW.
( LAUGHTER )
STATES AS A CHILD WHEN HIS FATHER FLED THE SOVIET UNION,
AND WENT ON TO ENLIST IN THE ARMY, WHERE HE RECEIVED A PURPLE
HEART FOR HIS SERVICE IN IRAQ.
GIVEN HIS HISTORY, THE ONLY WAY VINDMAN COULD BE MORE
ALL-AMERICAN IS IF HE APPEARED IN A KEN BURNS DOCUMENTARY ABOUT
THE STATUE OF LIBERTY, WHICH HE DID AS A CHILD.
>> CAME FROM KIEV...
AND THEN WE WENT TO-- OUR MOTHERED DIE, AND THEN WE WENT
TO ITALY, AND WE CAME HERE.
>> Stephen: "AND WHEN I GWOW UP, I WANT TO BE IN THE AWMY AND
TESTIFY ABOUT THE PWESIDENT'S COWWUPTION IN UKWAINE."
VINDMAN USED HIS OPENING STATEMENT TO SEND A MESSAGE TO
HIS FATHER, WHO FLED THE SOVIET UNION.
>> WHEN MY FATHER WAS 47 YEARS OLD, HE LEFT BEHIND HIS ENTIRE
LIFE AND THE ONLY HOME HE HAD EVER KNOWN TO START OVER IN THE
UNITED STATES SO HIS THREE SONS COULD HAVE A BETTER AND SAFER
LIVES.
"DAD, I AM SITTING HERE TODAY IN THE U.S. CAPITOL TALKING TO OUR
ELECTED PROFESSIONALS IS PROOF YOU MADE THE RIGHT DECISION 40
YEARS AGO TO LEAVE THE SOVIET UNION, COME HERE TO THE UNITED
STATES OF AMERICA IN SEARCH OF A BETTER LIFE FOR OUR FAMILY.
DO NOT WORRY.
I WILL BE FINE FOR TELLING THE TRUTH."
>> Stephen: THAT IS BEAUTIFUL.
( APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: LOVE THAT.
RIGHT ON.
>> Stephen: THAT'S MOVING AND IT'S TRUE.
AND IT'S TRUE.
BUT YOU KNOW IT'S REALLY GOING TO ENRAGE TRUMP.
BECAUSE IT FEATURES HIS TWO LEAST-FAVORITE THINGS:
IMMIGRANTS AND FATHERS WHO LOVE THEIR SONS.
( LAUGHTER )
SEAN MALONEY ASKED VINDMAN ABOUT THAT STATEMENT.
>> I AM STRUCK BY THAT PHRASE, "DO NOT WORRY," YOU ADDRESSED
YOUR DAD.
HE WOULD HAVE WORRIED IF YOU WERE PUTTING YOURSELF UP AGAINST
THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATE, IS THAT RIGHT?
>> HE DEEPLY WORRIED ABOUT IT, BECAUSE IN HIS CONTEXT, IT WAS
THE ULTIMATE RISK.
>> AND WHY DO YOU HAVE CONFIDENCE THAT YOU CAN DO THAT
AND TELL YOUR DAD NOT TO WORRY?
>> CONGRESSMAN, BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA.
THIS IS THE COUNTRY THAT I HAVE SERVED AND DEFENDED, THAT ALL OF
MY BROTHERS HAVE SERVED, AND HERE, RIGHT MATTERS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU, LIEUTENANT COLONEL.
YES, IN AMERICA, RIGHT MATTERS.
UNLESS YOU'RE ONE OF THE CONGRESSMEN ON THE RIGHT, THEN
NOT SO MUCH THESE DAYS.
WHEN REPUBLICAN RANKING MEMBER DEVIN NUNES BEGAN HIS
QUESTIONING, VINDMAN WAS NOT AFRAID TO CLAP BACK.
>> MR. VINDMAN, YOU TESTIFIED IN YOUR DEPOSITION THAT YOU DID NOT
KNOW THE WHISTLEBLOWER.
>> RANKING MEMBER, IT'S LIEUTENANT COLONEL VINDMAN,
PLEASE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
YOU'RE NASTY.
( LAUGHTER )
OBVIOUSLY.
THEN IT CAME TIME FOR UTAH REPRESENTATIVE CHRIS STEWART,
WHO USED HIS TIME TO THROW SHADE ON VINDMAN'S MILITARY
SERVICE.
>> I SEE YOU'RE WEARING YOUR DRESS UNIFORM, KNOWING THAT'S
NOT THE UNIFORM OF THE DAY.
YOU NORMALLY WEAR A SUIT TO THE WHITE HOUSE.
I THINK IT'S A GREAT REMINDER OF YOUR MILITARY SERVICE.
>> Stephen: CONGRESSMAN, I SEE YOU'RE WEARING YOUR LITTLE
BITCH FACE.
IT'S NOT THE FACE OF THE DAY, IT'S NOT THE FACE OF THE DAY,
BUT IT IS A GREAT REMINDER THAT YOU'RE A TOTAL
DOUCHE.
VINDMAN HAS AN IDENTICAL TWIN BROTHER, WHO ALSO SERVES IN THE
MILITARY, AND THAT WAS BROUGHT UP BY TEXAS REPRESENTATIVE
JOAQUIN CASTRO, WHOSE IDENTICAL TWIN, JULIAN, IS CURRENTLY
RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT.
>> IT'S GREAT TO TALK TO A FELLOW IDENTICAL TWIN.
AND I HOPE THAT YOUR BROTHER IS NICER TO YOU THAN ME AND
DOESN'T MAKE YOU GROW A BEARD
WEIRD TWIN LANGUAGE.
( TALKING IN TWIN LANGUAGE ) ( LAUGHTER )
NO LETTERS, PLEASE.
( LAUGHTER )
THAT LIEUTENANT COLONEL VINDMAN DID NOT HAVE THE TRUST OF
HIS SUPERIORS, BUT VINDMAN BROUGHT THE RECEIPTS.
>> SO YOUR BOSS HAD CONCERNS ABOUT YOUR JUDGMENT.
YOUR FORMER BOSS, DR. HILL, HAD CONCERNS ABOUT YOUR JUDGMENT.
ANY IDEA WHY THEY HAVE THOSE IMPRESSIONS, COLONEL VINDMAN?
>> YES, REPRESENTATIVE JORDAN, I GUESS I'LL START BY READING
DR. HILL'S OWN WORDS AS SHE-- SHE ATTESTED TO IN MY LAST
EVALUATION THAT WAS DATED MIDDLE OF JULY, RIGHT BEFORE SHE
LEFt.
"ALEX IS A TOP 1% MILITARY OFFICER AND THE BEST ARMY
OFFICER I'VE WORKED, WITH IN MY 15 YEARS OF GOVERNMENT
SERVICE.
HE'S BRILLIANT, UNFLAPPABLE, AND EXERCISES EXCELLENT JUDGMENT."
>> Stephen: "HE USES EXCELLENT JUDGEMENT.
HE PLANS AHEAD.
HE BRINGS DOCUMENTS THAT REBUT JIM JORDAN'S WEAK-ASS SMACK TALK
EVEN BEFORE IT LEAVES HIS DIRTY LITTLE MOUTH."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: REPUBLICANS SPENT THE WHOLE HEARING TRYING TO MAKE
IT ABOUT THE BIDENS, SO DURING HIS QUESTIONS, DEMOCRATIC
CONGRESSMAN WELCH OFFERED A CHALLENGE TO PRESIDENT TRUMP.
>> AND I WILL SAY THIS TO PRESIDENT TRUMP: YOU WANT TO
INVESTIGATE JOE BIDEN, YOU WANT TO INVESTIGATE HUNTER BIDEN, GO
AT IT.
DO IT.
DO IT HARD.
DO IT DIRTY, AND DO IT THE WAY YOU DO DO IT.
JUST DON'T DO IT BY ASKING A FOREIGN LEADER TO HELP YOU IN
YOUR CAMPAIGN.
>> Stephen (AS WELCH): "DO IT.
DO IT HARD.
DO IT DIRTY.
BUT DO IT RIGHT HERE IN FRONT OF US, WHERE WE CAN ALL WATCH
YOUR DIRTY, NASTY LITTLE DOING IT.
AND I YIELD THE REMAINDER MY TIME TO MISTRESS DOMINA,
PRINCESS OF PUNISHMENT."