what are you doing on this stage in
front of all these people run run now
that's the voice of my anxiety talking
even when there's absolutely nothing
wrong I sometimes get this overwhelming
sense of doom
like danger is lurking just around the
corner you see a few years ago I was
diagnosed with generalized anxiety and
depression two conditions that often go
hand-in-hand
now there was a time I wouldn't have
told anybody especially not in front of
a big audience as a black woman I've had
to develop extraordinary resilience to
succeed and like most people in my
community I had the misconception that
depression was a sign of weakness a
character flaw but I wasn't weak I was a
high achiever I'd earned a master's
degree in media studies and had a string
of high-profile jobs in the film and
television industries I've even won two
Emmy Awards for my hard work sure I was
totally spent I lacked interest in
things I used to enjoy barely eight
struggled with insomnia and felt
isolated and depleted but depressed no
not me
took weeks before I could admit it but
the doctor was right I was depressed
still I didn't tell anybody about my
diagnosis I was too ashamed I didn't
think I had the right to be depressed I
had a privileged life with a loving
family and a successful career and when
I thought about the unspeakable horrors
that my ancestors had been through in
this country so that I could have it
better my shame grew even deeper I was
standing on their shoulders how could I
let them down I would hold my head up
put a smile on my face and never tell us
all
on July 4th 2013 my world came crashing
in on me that was the day I got a phone
call from my mom telling me that my 22
year old nephew Paul had ended his life
after years of battling depression and
anxiety there are no words that can
describe the devastation I felt Paul and
I are very close but I had no idea he
was in so much pain neither one of us
had ever talked to the other about our
struggles the shame and stigma kept us
both silent now my way of dealing with
adversity is to face it head-on so I
spent the next two years researching
depression and anxiety and what I found
was mind-blowing the World Health
Organization reports that depression is
the leading cause of sickness and
disability in the world while the exact
cause of depression isn't clear research
suggests that most mental disorders
develop at least in part because of a
chemical imbalance in the brain and/or
an underlying genetic predisposition so
you can't just shake it off for black
Americans stressors like racism and
socio-economic disparities put them at a
20 percent greater risk of developing a
mental disorder yet they seek mental
health services at about half the rate
of white Americans one reason is a
stigma with 63 percent of black
Americans mistaking depression for a
weakness
sadly the suicide rate among black
children has doubled in the past 20
years now here's the good news
70% of people struggling with depression
will improve with therapy treatment and
medication armed with this information I
made a decision I wasn't going to be
silent anymore with my family's blessing
I would share our story in hopes of
sparking a national
conversation a friend Kelly Pierre Lewis
said being strong is killing us
she's right we have got to retire those
tired old narratives of the strong black
woman and the super masculine black man
who no matter how many times they get
knocked down just shake it off and
soldier on having feelings isn't a sign
of weakness feelings mean we're human
and when we deny our humanity it leaves
us feeling empty inside
searching for ways to self-medicate in
order to fill the void my drug was high
achievement these days I share my story
openly and I ask others to share theirs
too I believe that's what it takes to
help people who may be suffering in
silence to know that they are not alone
and to know that with help they can heal
now I still have my struggles
particularly with the anxiety but I'm
able to manage it through daily
meditation yoga and a relatively healthy
diet if I feel like things are starting
to spiral I make an appointment to see
my therapist a dynamic black woman named
dawn Armstrong who has a great sense of
humor and a familiarity that I find
comforting I will always regret that I
couldn't be there for my nephew but my
sincerest hope is that I can inspire
others with the lesson that I've learned
life is beautiful sometimes it's messy
and it's always unpredictable but it
will all be okay when you have your
support system to help you through it I
hope that if your burden gets too heavy
you'll ask for a hand too thank you
[Applause]
[Music]