Geoffrey here and this video,
I'm going to show you what you can do when your wife tells you that she doesn't
love you anymore. And when you can do to regain that trust,
regain that love and that attraction back into your relationship.
And I really want you to stay until the end of this video,
because what I'm about to show you here,
we'll go beyond what other coaches and what other videos we'll talk about.
And what I'm going to share with you here has worked wonders for myself when I
was rebuilding my relationship, but also for all my students as well,
we're currently taking the program.
So I'm sure that if they worked for all my students and myself as well,
it will work for you as well.
[Inaudible].
And in case we haven't met,
my name is Jeffrey and I help men in longterm relationships or marriages with
the right skills and knowledge, to be able to design a thriving relationship.
So if you want more content like this, one to help you with your marriage,
then subscribe to this channel and click the bell button as well.
To be notified when I post new videos three times every single week. Now,
real quick, before we begin this video,
I want to let you know that a few spots have opened up for my master class on
the five proven steps to rebuilding your relationship from the ground up.
So if you're interested in joining that master class,
be sure to stick around until the end of the video for the announcement on that.
So the first step in understanding how to deal with the situation,
it's understanding why she's feeling this way,
and it's not what other coaches and other professionals will tell you. It's not,
for example,
the lack of admiration is not the lack of respect that she has for you.
It's really not the lack of goal alignment or the fact that, you know,
you two are not like partners right now,
and you two are going in separate directions and it's not the lack of passion.
It's not that your relationship has really gone stale.
It's not the surface symptomatic things. It goes much deeper than that,
which is it's usually the lack of safety and trust. And this is always,
always a core problem, none of these other symptomatic stuff.
So what is this lack of safety and trust? Well,
if you've been following me for a while,
you'll know that the foundations of every relationship is the safety and trust
and knowing that she can express the very sensitive topics to you,
the very difficult topics to you, the real harsh truth, without your judgment,
without getting punished or needing to feel bad for it somehow.
And I'm going to show you here. Why,
when we talk about your partner telling you that she doesn't love you anymore,
why this is always the core reason why she says that and nothing else to
understand this, you need to understand something called process over product.
And I mentioned this before in my previous videos, quite a lot.
What you need to understand here is that all relationships have issues.
Every single one, and your partner knows this too.
And often it's not just the issues itself that is causing the problem.
It's the fact that, you know,
whether both of you can understand the process and the ways in which you can
identify issues and also fix issues and find win-win solutions to the
key issues in your relationship. So again, it's not the issue itself,
but whether you have the process to be able to fix the key issues in your
relationship,
and here's where a lot of people get this wrong is that they w when they're
trying to build trust and safety here,
they're trying to focus on building trust and safety on the product itself by
giving solutions. So what do I mean here by focusing on the product,
for example, when our partner tells us for example,
that there is no love anymore in the relationship,
we tend to maybe focus on the actual act of building admiration of building
passion. For example, we might focus on techniques in the bedroom.
You might focus on how do I play this power game so that my partner can respect
me. It can admire me more. We might, for example,
try to show our partner that we are this perfect person, this high value man,
the 3% man and the 1% man, whatever it is that people call it nowadays.
And basically,
you're trying to show here that you are a man with all the answers.
You're a man with all the solutions in the world.
And because you believe that you are just high value, man,
you start making promises about the future. So if it's a communication issues,
that's the problem. You're going to promise her that I'm going to fix that.
I'm going to be less controlling. I'm going to be, you know, better in bed.
I'm going to be more intimate. I'm going to be more, more passionate in bed,
whatever it is. But again,
it's not about the end result itself that she's looking for. Instead,
what she's looking for is something a lot simpler than that.
And what she's looking for are some changes in your process,
because she knows that if there are changes in the process itself,
then the changes in the process will naturally through product,
but there is no product when there is no changes in the process in the first
place. So what does it mean to change the process here?
So the first part and doing this as showing her that when there is a problem
that exists in the relationship that your process begins by acknowledging that
problem.
So what a lot of people do for example is when their partner tells them, Hey,
there's a problem in the relationship. I made a mistake,
whatever it is they instantly go about to justify your own actions. For example,
to tell her that, Hey,
this is all just a misunderstanding or to tell her maybe that, you know,
the problem, the solution is really simpler than she thinks.
Or you try to coach her for example, into feeling more positive. You know,
you shouldn't feel this way because of XYZ reasons.
So instead of acknowledging the problem,
we jumped 10 steps ahead into not acknowledging the problem and trying to fix
it, trying to change it,
trying to tell our partner that I'm not acknowledging it. It's wrong.
Let's let's get over it.
And the second stage to this process is showing her that you can
ask questions, the right questions in the right ways.
And you can come from a place of discovery here and discover the problem from
all different angles.
Just like how a skilled problem solver a skilled executive would basically.
So right now, the things are only clear from your own point of view,
but you're not understanding your partner's point of view,
but what you want to do now is to investigate the reasons from her point of view
of why she's saying that.
And you want to discover basically until you can say it to yourself and
generally say this, that if I was you,
if I thought and saw and experienced the same thing as you would have done and
felt the exact same thing as you and the,
you can show her that you understand this problem from all angles here is simply
by understanding how to ask the right kinds of questions and also understanding
how to recap conversations in a good way.
So usually when I'm talking to my partner, Oh,
w when my students talk to their partners,
they're having this habit of not only asking a lot of questions.
And this question is, I'm not interrogated. They're not robotic,
but they're genuine questions,
but after they ask all the questions and they've reached this Eureka moment,
they will spend some time trying to recap. So they might say, for example, okay,
if I understand you correctly, you're saying X, Y, Z, is that right?
And the reason why you want to recap like this is that you never want to take it
for granted that you might actually be missing some pieces still that even
though you're asking all these right questions,
the puzzle pieces you've made may not be the same one that she's thinking about.
And so this recap and asking her what she thinks about this gives her a chance
to basically say that is right, or that is wrong.
And the final stage to this is showing her that you can find win-win solutions
and you can find this understanding to anything. But again,
when you're trying to find this woman solutions,
you're not imposing your solutions,
but you are working with her together to find this win, win solution.
And the way we do that is simply by adding a,
what do you think to the end of our solution?
So you might have a solution for example, to go, okay, uh,
honey, here's what I'm thinking. I'm thinking we do XYZ. What do you think?
And just finally,
what do you think here makes your suggestions less of an imposition,
less of a method of control and more into a dialogue and invitation for
dialogue. And if your partner says that makes sense,
that is how you find the win-win.
But notice here that the win-win here is not something you impose on her.
It's something that she decided for herself decided to agree on by herself.
So this is the process that you need to master in order to restore those
feelings of love. Because again, you know,
what you want to do here is not to establish safety and trust in the product and
the end result itself,
not to portray yourself as this perfect man who doesn't have any shortcomings,
what is high value, man,
but you want to give her the safety and trust in your own processes,
in your own ability to lead the process,
to getting to the end results and the process that are exactly these steps right
here. And here's the beautiful thing.
Once you can master the process and also establish the safety and trust on this
level of the process, you know,
no matter what issues you're having in your relationship right now,
it doesn't really matter anymore because she knows that whatever issues you have
in the relationship right now,
you can have the process to actually get to the women's solution and so on.
So the reason why I said in the beginning of this video,
that is not really the admiration issue. It's not really the passion issue.
That is the core issue. Here is this lack of safety and trust.
Because if you can build the safety and trust on the process here,
then it doesn't matter what issues you have.
She knows that you can fix it together. And when she knows this,
that's where that hope, that emotional desire to want to be in a relationship.
Again, we'll come back. And this brings me to my third point,
which is that in this game, when you're trying to restore the feelings of love,
understand that this is a very emotional game, not a logical game.
And this is why, again,
the process here is so much more important than focusing on a product that if
you just focus on a product,
you are rocking a points basically on the wrong scoreboard and the scoreboard
doesn't really matter. But you,
what you want to do is rack up points in a process department here.
So to show you what I mean, uh, to appeal,
to someone's emotions over logic here,
thinking about something that your partner does,
that you don't like and think about you expressing this to your partner.
So maybe you tell her, Hey honey, I don't like it. When you do XYZ.
Now your partner here can respond in one of two ways, one,
she can try to convince you of the product. So she might, for example,
make a promise and say, I want to do it again.
But what if she responds to the other way,
which is she focused on the process instead she takes the time to maybe
acknowledge that perhaps there is some truth to what you just said,
and not only does she take the time to acknowledge it,
she takes the time to also discover more from your point of view. Okay?
So you're telling me that you don't like XYZ. Tell me how I've been doing that.
Tell me how that makes you feel. Tell me why that is so important to you.
Tell me why that's so crucial to you.
And all she does here is just acknowledge it. Ask questions, recap, and,
and basically tell you, she understands your point of view.
She's making no promises. She's making no statements about the future,
but somehow the simple act of her discovering and caring will instill a lot of
trust in you.
And this trust comes from the fact that now you understand that my partner now
fully understands what I'm going through, what I'm experiencing,
and just you seeing and watching her go through that process will instill a
great deal of trust in you. But again,
this trust that you have is going to be on a more emotional level.
This is not going to be a logical appeal.
Like if she would tell you I won't do it again.
So that's the key difference between appealing to someone's emotions versus
logic and the way you appeal to someone's emotions here is by focusing
on mastering the process, not focusing on mastering the products.
Now the last point I'm going to show you a point. Number four,
here is getting the right power balance during this whole process.
And this is something that people often get wrong as well.
What I've noticed is that people can only embrace the extremes in life.
So they might start off for example,
by being in the place of need and notice here that needy behavior can come in
two forms. One is what I call a dominating neediness.
And this is where you're needy,
but you're showing your neediness in a very domineering way,
in a very controlling way. And this is when you're trying to use your logic,
trying to use your temper, for example,
to impose and to control what your partner is doing.
So you might find that your partner is wanting some space and wanting to kind of
move away from the relationship. Doesn't have the same feelings anymore,
and you get upset at that. You get angry at her and you tell her, no,
what you're feeling is wrong. We should work on the relationship.
We try to lecture her and so on.
That's the dominating neediness and is can also come in the second form,
which is the submissive neediness.
And that is when you're taking this concept of maybe understanding and discovery
a bit too far, and you're letting your partner walk all over you, right?
So as you're listening to your partner in the process part, for example,
you might be disagreeing with a lot of things she's saying,
or thinking that a lot of things you're saying is wrong, but instead of,
you know, making a suggestions in the correct way,
you just simply let her walk all over you and say, you know what?
I don't want to start any trouble.
Let me just be submissive and just say yes to everything she's saying.
Now they might be in the state of neediness.
They might also be in a state of total indifference.
So this is when you're trying to play out this. There's no contact rule.
For example, you know, people say for example, that the biggest,
the best negotiating power that you have is your ability to walk away and
actually mean it and to take it too far.
And they simply act like they don't really care about our partner.
They don't really give a crap if their partner leaves or stays,
just go whatever you want to do. And they pretend like they don't really care.
And they pretend like they're being totally indifferent to whatever happens in
the relationship. Now I'll show you here.
Why embracing any of these extremes will really cause havoc on
your relationship.
So let's start with how this dominating neediness will destroy safety and trust.
And this one's quite obvious because this is like working for that tyrannical
boss, right? Where it's impossible to feel that safety, to feel that trust,
to share your mistakes, to share your deepest desires,
to share the most sensitive topics around the relationship for the fear of how
it might go against you for the fear of how it might be misinterpreted.
For example, for the fear of your wrath,
when she does share something with you.
And so you can see here how this will destroy safety and trust in a very obvious
way.
Now let's talk about how the submissive neediness can also destroy safety and
trust. So this one is more subtle and most people don't think about this one.
And they think that just being submissive and letting their partner,
or kind of walk all over them is the best way to not rock the boat and to
establish that safety and trust. But it's actually not true as well,
because you cannot have safety.
You cannot feel safe with someone who has no backbone,
who has no principles who have no strength,
who doesn't have that inner sense of value in themselves.
And only that you really cannot trust someone who will say,
who will do anything to really have you back,
that they will go against their principles.
They will go against what they truly believe in just so that they don't,
they're not rocking the boat. If you see someone like this,
you cannot really trust what they say and do,
because they will say and do anything to get you back. Nothing is genuine.
And here's how indifference can also destroy that safety and trust because it
shows that you don't care that you're childish, that you're playing tricks.
You're playing mind games and in a longterm relationship that is very
unattractive and it will become really hard for you to feel the safety and trust
around someone who is trying to play games like this.
And there's so much nuance to getting the right power balance here.
And I've actually made another video on this.
That is going to be much more comprehensive than, than what I can make it here.
What actually means to create the right power balance in a relationship
without being too domineering or being too indifferent at the same time. Now,
I don't want you to misunderstand or misinterpret anything I'm saying here.
So please watch the link to video at the end of this video. So in the end cards,
I'm gonna link to that video so you can understand what it means to create the
right power balance in a relationship.
Now in this video gave you a handful of things that you can focus on to start
your process of rebuilding your relationship when your partner tells you that
she doesn't love you anymore. Now, if you're wanting more information on this,
a more detailed step by step plan of how you can rebuild this relationship and
actually regained those feelings of trust, love,
and attraction back in your relationship,
then you want to join me in my free master class in a five proven steps to
rebuilding your relationship from the ground. Up in this masterclass,
I'll show you the exact process that all my students have used to take him from
the brink of a divorce,
to a point where they can honestly say their relationship thrives and thrives
for the long haul. So that masterclass interests you.
I want you to click the link above my head,
or also the link in the comments below in addition box below this video as well.
And if you want a free guide that can allow you to deal with conversations in a
much healthier way,
deal with conversations in a way that never leads to arguments, for example,
and always plans the safety and trust each interaction you have,
then you also want to download my free guide above my head,
or also down done the comments or the description box below this video as well.
And if you're looking for a community of people where you can get support form,
where you can get some clarity from about some issues that you're facing in your
relationship right now, then you also want to join my Facebook group.
And the way you can join that is by clicking the link in the comments below or
in the description box below this video, as well. In the meantime,
do leave a comment below on what did you find most insightful,
most eyeopening in this video?
Let me know your thoughts on love to hear from you here.
And if you liked this video and found it to be helpful,
then smash that like button and subscribe to this channel as well.
For more content like this one in the meantime,
I do want you to watch this two other videos on what it takes to start
rebuilding your relationship from the ground up and what it means to create the
right power balance in your relationship as well. But with that said,
I will see you in the next video.