-If you got a chance to look at the paper this morning,
you might have seen there was a new study
on migrating tree frogs.
[ Sniffing ] Wait. I'm sorry.
I could be wrong here, but I think I smell some smoke.
And that can only mean one thing. It's time for "Ya Burnt!"
♪♪
Welcome to the burn zone.
We got a lot of topics to sizzle through, but not a lot of time.
Over here is the burner.
Let's turn on the gas and load her up.
Whoo! Flaming-hot Cheetos!
First up, exit polls.
Hey, exit polls, you want to know who I voted for?
Your motha!
If I wanted an inaccurate guess at who's gonna win the election,
I'd just ask the Huffington Post.
Side burn, HuffPo.
-Side burn!
-Also, exit pollsters,
stop hanging around outside elementary schools, you creeps.
You're like R. Kelly without the microphone.
[ Audience groans ]
[ Seth groans mockingly ]
Exit polls, exit on out of here. Ya burnt!
Scented candles.
Hey, kids, you love the smell of pie
but hate the hassle of eating and enjoying it?
Try scented candles.
Nothing is more disappointing
than walking into a kitchen that smells like cookies
and finding out it's just a ball of wax.
Also, I'm trying to cover up the smell of cooked fish,
not make it smell like the fish died eating gingerbread.
And, by the way, anytime I walk into a house
and smell fresh linen, I know you just took a dump.
Scented candles, smell ya later. Ya burnt!
Luggage carousels!
You're not a carousel. Carousels are fun.
What you are is a luggage gutter.
If I wanted to see something move this slowly,
I'd just follow Robert Mueller's Russia investigation.
Side burn, Mueller.
-Come on, Bobby! Give us some candy!
-And why is everyone lining up by the chute?
You just spent five hours on a plane.
Stop trying to shave off the last 15 seconds.
Also, can we talk about
the weird cardboard box covered in Saran wrap?
It's been circling the baggage claim for 30 minutes,
and I think I heard a muffled scream come from inside of it.
Luggage carousels, keep on moving.
Ya burnt!
V-neck sweaters. For the man who thinks --
[ Cheers and applause ]
We hit a nerve.
V-neck sweaters -- for the man who thinks,
"This outfit could use a little more visible white undershirt."
[ Laughter ]
V-neck sweaters, what are you for?
All those times people say,
"Gee, my torso and arms are freezing,
but my clavicles are roasting."
Why are you exposing just my neck?
You're the assless chaps of winter clothing.
-That's redundant! All chaps are assless!
-V-neck sweaters, see you neck time.
Ya burnt!
Marathons!
Hey, marathons, if I wanted to waste my day
watching someone travel 26 miles by foot,
I'd binge-watch "The Lord of the Rings."
-Frodo needs a Gatorade!
-Marathon weekend is like any other weekend in New York City,
except the people going to the bathroom on the street
are in much better shape.
Marathons, my nipples may be chaffed, but you, ya burnt!
Lemon-lime soda.
Face it. Lemons and limes are basically the same thing.
We don't need both of you.
You're the "Property Brothers" of soda.
Also, soda without the caffeine?
That's like asking for heroin
without the high of 10,000 orgasms.
-Been there, brother!
-Lemon-lime soda, 7-Up yours. Ya burnt!
Layering. Oh, great. High of 72, low of 55?
I'll just wear four shirts in case I step into a shadow
and it suddenly feels colder
than Thanksgiving dinner in a swing state.
Maybe I wouldn't have to wear all these scarves
if I hadn't left my jugular exposed
with this [bleep] V-neck!
-V-neck -- double burn!
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Layering, hit the hamper! Ya burnt!
Beto O'Rourke. You may have lost the election,
but at least you got to drop the F-bomb on national TV.
Let's take a look.
-I'm so [bleep] proud of you guys.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Damn.
With that kind of potty mouth,
it's only a matter of time before you become president.
Seriously, I haven't heard that much swearing on MSNBC
since the time Chris Matthews sat on a thumbtack.
And that's why, Beto, you're this week's unburnable.
Ascend to safety, my friend. I am so bleeping proud of you.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Button-fly jeans.
Just what I wanted -- a padlock for my pants.
Nothing I love more than getting to the bathroom
and having to spend five seconds of panic
not knowing if I'm going to get you open in time.
Button-fly jeans, zip it. Ya burnt!
Music biopics.
If I really wanted to watch someone pretend to be a musician
for two hours, I'd go to a Pitbull concert.
Side burn, Pitbull.
-Don't pretend you wouldn't trade lives with him, Meyers!
[ Laughter ]
-The Queen biopic is in theaters,
but I don't want to see an actor playing Freddie Mercury.
I want to see Freddie Mercury as he's supposed to be seen --
as a hologram at an Adam Lambert concert.
Music biopics, another one bites the ya burnt.
[ Siren wails ]
Uh-oh! That sound means things are really heating up,
which means it must be time for our speed round,
The Blaze, Election Edition.
John King, gets your hands off the map, bro.
You're going to be the first guy to get MeToo'd by a touchscreen.
Ya blazed!
Hey, CNN, I haven't seen that many people in a studio
since Arcade Fire's last recording session.
Ya blazed.
Nevada! You elected a dead pimp to the state assembly.
Who was his opponent?
A [bleep] plug with a cocaine dictation?
Ya blazed.
Mitt Romney, you come from Michigan,
you were the governor of Massachusetts,
and now you're a senator from Utah.
You change teams more often than LeBron James. Ya blazed!
Florida, now I know why you're shaped like a penis.
Because every year, you [bleep] us.
Ya blazed! [ Buzzer ]
Oh, that buzzer means we've run out of time.
That has been "Ya Burnt."