WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT, THE ONE PERSON DONALD TRUMP
HASN'T FIRED...
YET.
BECAUSE THIS MORNING, PRESIDENT TRUMP FIRED SECRETARY OF STATE
REX TILLERSON.
AND THAT REALLY, REALLY IS IS A SHAME.
BECAUSE REX TILLERSON WAS CLEARLY HAVING SUCH A GOOD TIME.
THE STRANGE PART ABOUT THIS...
IS EVERYTHING.
BUT STRANGEST OF ALL IS HOW TRUMP TOLD HIM: VIA TWEET.
"MIKE POMPEO, DIRECTOR OF THE C.I.A., WILL BECOME OUR NEW
SECRETARY OF STATE.
HE WILL DO A FANTASTIC JOB!
THANK YOU TO REX TILLERSON FOR HIS SERVICE!
GINA HASPEL WILL BECOME THE NEW DIRECTOR OF THE C.I.A., AND THE
FIRST WOMAN SO CHOSEN.
CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL!"
WAIT, "CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL?" "CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL?"
"CONGRATULATIONS, REX.
YOU'VE WON AN ALL-EXPENSE-PAID TRIP TO BEAUTIFUL "GET THE
( BLEEP ) OUT OF HERE.
AND AS A PARTING GIFT, WE GOT YOU THIS BEAUTIFUL DOOR, WHICH
WE HOPE DOES NOT HIT YOU ON THE ASS."
WOW, IT'S A TWEET.
IT'S EFFICIENT.
GOD BLESS YOU.
IT'S A TWEET, YOU KNOW.
IT'S EFFICIENT.
IT'S TOO BAD TWITTER WASN'T AROUND WHEN TRUMP ENDED HIS
FIRST TWO MARRIAGES.
BACK THEN, HE HAD TO DO IT BY FAX.
( LAUGHTER ) SLIGHTLY COLDER.
AND WHAT COULD BE WORSE THAN LEARNING YOU GOT FIRED FROM YOUR
BOSS'S TWEET?
OH, MAYBE SEEING THAT 86,000 PEOPLE "LIKED" IT.
( LAUGHTER ).
>> Jon: WOW, WOW!
NUMBER GONE UP.
>> Stephen: "I LOST MY JOB, BUT I AM HASH TAG TRENDING."
NOW, THE WHITE HOUSE SAYS THEY DIDN'T FIRE HIM ON TWITTER.
THEY SAY THAT THEY CALLED TILLERSON LAST FRIDAY AND TOLD
HIM THIS WAS GOING TO HAPPEN.
BUT TODAY, STATE DEPARTMENT SPOKESMAN AND LAST LIVING JERRY
LEWIS CHARACTER, STEVE GOLDSTEIN, SAID THE SECRETARY
HAD EVERY INTENTION OF STAYING, AND THAT THE SECRETARY DID NOT
SPEAK TO THE PRESIDENT AND IS UNAWARE OF THE REASON FOR HIS
FIRING.
SO WHEN THE WHITE HOUSE HEARD THIS FROM THE OFFICIAL STATE
DEPARTMENT SPOKESMAN, THEY REVIEWED THEIR PROCESS, REALIZED
THE DEGRADING WAY THEY FIRED REX TILLERSON, AND THEY APOLOGIZED.
( LAUGHTER ) I'M JUST KIDDING.
THEY FIRED GOLDSTEIN.
( LAUGHTER ) "SOME GUY SAID I IMPULSIVELY
FIRE PEOPLE WITHOUT WARNING?
FIRE THAT GUY."
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, LATE THIS MORNING, TRUMP
EXPLAINED WHY HE FIRED TILLERSON DURING AN EXCITING EPISODE OF
"CHOPPER TALK."
>> REX AND I HAVE BEEN TALKING ABOUT THIS FOR A LONG TIME.
WE GOT ALONG, ACTUALLY, QUITE WELL, BUT WE DISAGREED ON
THINGS.
I WISH REX A LOT OF GOOD THINGS.
I THINK HE'S GOING TO DO-- I THINK HE'S GOING TO BE VERY
HAPPY.
I THINK REX WILL BE MUCH HAPPIER NOW.
>> Stephen: "REX WILL BE MUCH HAPPIER NOW?"
EVERY WORD IN THAT SENTENCE IS WHAT YOU SAY TO A CHILD WHEN
THEIR DOG HAS TO BE PUT DOWN.
"REX WILL BE HAPPIER NOW.
HE'S ON A FARM UPSTATE-- BY WHICH I MEAN, HE'S DEAD.
BUT AT LEAST HE DOESN'T HAVE TO WORK FOR ME."
SO WHAT PUSHED TRUMP OVER THE EDGE ON TILLERSON?
NOW, WE DON'T KNOW FOR SURE, BUT, YES WE DO.
IT WAS RUSSIA.
TILLERSON'S FIRING CAME ONE DAY AFTER HE STRONGLY CONDEMNED
RUSSIA FOR A RECENT POISONING OF A FORMER RUSSIAN SPY WORKING
FOR THE BRITISH.
PRIME MINISTER THERESA MAY CONCLUDED THAT IT WAS HIGHLY
LIKELY THAT RUSSIA WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR THE ATTACK, IN
PART BECAUSE THE POISON WAS "A RUSSIAN-MADE NERVE AGENT."
NOW, FACED WITH DAMNING EVIDENCE, YESTERDAY, WHITE HOUSE
SPOKESWOMAN, SARAH HUCKABEE SANDERS, DECLINED TO BLAME
RUSSIA.
WELL, YOU KNOW THE OLD SAYING: "IF IT WALKS LIKE A DUCK AND
QUACKS LIKE A DUCK, THE DUCK PROBABLY HAS SOMETHING ON YOUR
BOSS, SO KILL IT WITH A NERVE AGENT."
BUT YESTERDAY, TILLERSON SAID THE NERVE AGENT CAME FROM RUSSIA
AND THAT "IT WILL CERTAINLY TRIGGER A RESPONSE."
IT CERTAINLY DID.
( LAUGHTER ) GOOD-BYE, REX.
NOW, TILLERSON--
TILLERSON SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER.
RUSSIA HAS DENIED THE WHOLE THING, AND THE ONLY THING WORSE
THAN CONTRADICTING YOUR BOSS IS CONTRADICTING YOUR BOSS'S BOSS.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, THIS AFTERNOON, A VISIBLY
UPSET TILLERSON HELD AN IMPROMPTU PRESS CONFERENCE WHERE
HE REMINDED HIS SOON-TO-BE-FORMER COWORKERS OF
THEIR RESPONSIBILITIES.
>> TO MY FOREIGN SERVICE OFFICERS AND CIVIL SERVICE
COLLEAGUES, WE ALL TOOK THE SAME OATH OF OFFICE, "TO SUPPORT
AND DEFEND THE CONSTITUTION, TO BEAR TRUE FAITH AND
ALLEGIANCE TO THE SAME, AND TO FAITHFULLY DISCHARGE THE DUTIES
OF OUR OFFICE."
>> STEPHEN: IT'S NOT THAT COMFORTING THAT THE SECRETARY OF
STATE HAS TO REMIND GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEES THAT THEY WORK FOR THE
CONSTITUTION.
THAT'S LIKE THE RETIRING ADMINISTRATOR OF A HOSPITAL
SAYING, "I JUST WANT TO REMIND THE SURGEONS, YES, YOU'VE GOT A
LOT OF KNIVES, BUT THEY'RE NOT FOR STABBING PEOPLE."
( LAUGHTER ) BUT MOST INTERESTING IS WHAT
TILLERSON DIDN'T SAY BECAUSE HE MADE NO MENTION OF THE PRESIDENT
AND HIS REMARKS.
DIDN'T MENTION DONALD TRUMP.
SOUND LIKE REX JUST MADE $130,000.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
SO THE NEW SECRETARY OF STATE IS C.I.A. DIRECTOR AND KEVIN JAMES'
FIRST DRAMATIC ROLE, MIKE POMPEO.
( LAUGHTER ) AND THE HISTORIC NEWS,
ACCORDING TO TRUMP, IS WHO IS REPLACING POMPEO.
"GINA HASPEL WILL BECOME THE NEW DIRECTOR OF THE C.I.A., AND THE
FIRST WOMAN SO CHOSEN."
NOW, THAT DOES SOUND HISTORIC, BUT DURING THE BUSH
ADMINISTRATION, SHE RAN A SECRET PRISON IN THAILAND WHERE SHE
OVERSAW BRUTAL INTERROGATIONS OF TWO DETAINEES, INCLUDING
ABU ZUBAYDAH, WHO WAS WATERBOARDED 83 TIMES IN A
SINGLE MONTH, HAD HIS HEAD REPEATEDLY SLAMMED INTO WALLS,
AND WHO, DURING HIS CONFINEMENT, LOST SIGHT IN HIS LEFT EYE.
YOU GO, GIRL?
LEAN IN?
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, I DON'T KNOW WHY TRUMP
ACTUALLY FIRED HIM TODAY.
HE COULD HAVE WAITED.
THERE WAS NO HURRY, RIGHT.
AND TODAY HE HAD GOOD NEWS.
HE COULD HAVE RIDDEN FOR A CYCLE OR TWO.
BECAUSE LAST NIGHT, REPUBLICANS ON THE HOUSE INTELLIGENCE
COMMITTEE ANNOUNCED THEY WERE ENDING THEIR INVESTIGATION INTO
RUSSIAN ELECTION MEDDLING AND CONCLUDED THAT RUSSIAN PRESIDENT
VLADIMIR PUTIN WAS NOT TRYING TO HELP DONALD TRUMP WIN THE 2016
ELECTION.
YES, YES.
NO, NO.
AFTER A YEAR-LONG INVESTIGATION, THEY HAVE EXAMINED ALL THE
EVIDENCE AND HAVE CONCLUDED THEY DID NOT WANT TO GET SPRAYED WITH
A NERVE AGENT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT'S WHAT THEY SAID.
I THINK I QUOTED THEM.
I THINK THAT'S A QUOTE.
>> Jon: I THINK THAT'S A QUOTE, TOO?
>> Stephen: THE G.O.P. HERE "REACHED AN OPPOSITE CONCLUSION
MONDAY FROM THE ENTIRE INTELLIGENCE COMMUNITY.
BUT ANYONE WHO WATCHED THE COMMITTEE WORK OVER THE PAST
YEAR ALREADY KNEW THAT THEY WERE OPPOSED TO INTELLIGENCE.
NOW, TRUMP, HIMSELF FELT VINDICATED AND QUICKLY SENT OUT
THIS ALL-CAPS TWEET: "THE HOUSE INTELLIGENCE
COMMITTEE HAS, AFTER A 14-MONTH-LONG, IN-DEPTH
INVESTIGATION, FOUND NO EVIDENCE OF COLLUSION OR COORDINATION
BETWEEN THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN AND RUSSIA TO INFLUENCE THE 2016
PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION."
SIR, IF YOUR CAPS LOCK LASTS MORE THAN FOUR WORDS, CONSULT
YOUR DOCTOR.
( LAUGHTER ) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU.
ANGELA BASSETT IS HERE.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, THE RETURN OF "HUNGRY FOR POWER."
STICK AROUND.