ON WEDNESDAY THE JUDICIARY
COMMITTEE WILL HOLD A HEARING
THEY'VE TITLED "THE IMPEACHMENT
INQUIRY INTO PRESIDENT DONALD J.
TRUMP, CONSTITUTIONAL GROUNDS
FOR PRESIDENTIAL IMPEACHMENT."
IT'S CATCHY.
I LIKE THE TITLE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
BUT THE WHITE HOUSE SAYS IT WILL
NOT PARTICIPATE IN THE HEARING
EVEN THOUGH THEY WERE INVITED TO
DO SO.
BUT THEY AREN'T RULING OUT THE
POSSIBILITY OF PARTICIPATING IN
FUTURE HEARINGS.
LIKE FOR THE NEXT TIME HE GETS
IMPEACHED.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THERE WERE A LOT OF NEW
REVELATIONS TODAY.
SO TO GET AHEAD OF THEM
REPUBLICANS RELEASED THEIR OWN
REPORT AND THE PRESIDENT TWEETED
AND THEN RETWEETED HIMSELF
WRITING "BREAKING NEWS, THE
PRESIDENT OF UKRAINE HAS JUST
AGAIN ANNOUNCED THAT PRESIDENT
TRUMP HAS DONE NOTHING WRONG
WITH RESPECT TO UKRAINE AND OUR
INTERACTIONS OR CALLS.
IF THE RADICAL LEFT DEMOCRATS
WERE SANE, WHICH THEY ARE NOT,
IT WOULD BE CASE OVER."
THANKS FOR SOLVING THE CASE,
MAGATHA CHRISTIE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THAT IS SOME ARGUMENT.
BUT THE IDEA THAT HE'S NOT
GUILTY BECAUSE THE GUY HE SHOOK
DOWN SAID SO IS RIDICULOUS.
IT'S LIKE THIS IF HE TWEETED
BREAKING NEWS, KID'S LUNCH MONEY
I STOLE SAYS HE GAVE ME HIS
LUNCH MONEY BECAUSE HE ADMIRED
MY FISTS.
CASE OVER.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THE JUSTICE DEPARTMENT FINALLY
RELEASED NEARLY 3 HUFRN PAGES OF
NOTES AND WITNESS MEMOS FROM THE
MUELLER RUSSIA INVESTIGATION.
ACCORDING TO THE NOTES THERE ARE
MANY DETAILS, BUT ONE OF THEM IS
CHRIS CHRISTIE WAS DINING WITH
DONALD TRUMP ON VALENTINE'S DIE
2017 AND --
[ LAUGHTER ]
TRUMP TOLD HIM NOW THAT WE FIRED
MICHAEL FLYNN THE RUSSIA THING
IS OVER.
I DON'T KNOW WHICH IS MORE
EMBARRASSING, THE FACT THAT
TRUMP THOUGHT HE WAS IN THE
CLEAR IN 2017 OR THAT DONALD
TRUMP AND CHRIS CHRISTIE SPENT
VALENTINE'S DAY TOGETHER.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I WONDER WHO PICKED UP THAT
DINNER TAB.
MEANWHILE, THE HOUSE IMPEACHMENT
REPORT COMES OUT TOMORROW, AND
THIS ONE INCLUDES STUFF THE
REPUBLICAN REPORT DOESN'T, LIKE
EVIDENCE, FOR INSTANCE.
THE PRESIDENT IS IN LONDON RIGHT
NOW.
HE'S AT THE NATO SUMMIT.
I WOULD BET EVERYTHING I OWN
DONALD TRUMP HAS NO IDEA WHAT
NATO STANDS FOR.
WHY AREN'T PEOPLE ASKING HIM
THIS QUESTION?
TRUMP IS EXPECTED TO FACE
PROTESTS ON THE TRIP.
AND THE PRIME MINISTER, HIS
BUDDY BORIS JOHNSON, IS ACTIVELY
AVOIDING HIM BECAUSE THEY HAVE
AN ELECTION NEXT WEEK AND HE
DOESN'T WANT TO BE SEEN WITH --
RELATIONS BETWEEN THE PRIME
MINISTER AND AN AMERICAN
PRESIDENT HAVE NOT BEEN THIS
SHAKY SINCE "LOVE ACTUALLY,"
WHICH WAS A MOVIE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
BUT STILL, YOU KNOW.
AND DESPITE ALL THIS TRUMP IS
STILL VERY POPULAR IN HIS PARTY,
ACCORDING TO A NEW ECONOMIST
UGOV POLL.
53% OF REPUBLICANS SAY THEY
BELIEVE DONALD TRUMP IS A BETTER
PRESIDENT THAN ABRAHAM LINCOLN.
[ LAUGHTER ]
I MEAN, THEY CAN'T BE SERIOUS.
NO ONE BELIEVES DONALD TRUMP IS
A BETTER PRESIDENT THAN LINCOLN.
THAT'S LIKE SAYING MEASLES IS
BETTER THAN ICE CREAM.
[ LAUGHTER ]
IT'S NOT -- TRUMP ISN'T EVEN A
BETTER PRESIDENT THAN DANIEL DAY
LEWIS PRETENDING TO BE ABRAHAM
LINCOLN.
TO COMPARE DONALD TRUMP TO ONE
OF THE NOT JUST GREATEST
PRESIDENTS, GREATEST AMERICANS
WHO EVER LIVED, IT SOUNDS
NOTHING SHORT OF PREPOSTEROUS,
BUT WHEN YOU WATCH THEM UP SIDE
BY SIDE ALL OF A SUDDEN MAYBE IT
ISN'T SO CRAZY AFTER ALL.
>> FOURSCORE AND SEVEN YEARS
AGO.
>> NUMBER ONE, I'M NOT STUPID.
OKAY?
I CAN TELL YOU THAT RIGHT NOW.
JUST THE OPPOSITE.
>> OUR FATHERS BROUGHT FORTH ON
THIS CONTINENT A NEW NATION.
>> BING BING.
BONG BONG.
BING BING BING.
>> DEDICATED TO THE PROPOSITION
THAT ALL MEN ARE CREATED EQUAL.
>> LOOK AT MY AFRICAN-AMERICAN
OVER HERE.
LOOK AT HIM.
>> GOVERNMENT OF THE PEOPLE.
>> UH, I DON'T KNOW WHAT I SAID,
UH.
>> OF THE PEOPLE.
>> GO HOME AND GET A JOB.
>> FOR THE PEOPLE.
>> I'D LIKE TO PUNCH HIM IN THE
FACE.
I TELL YOU.
>> SHALL NOT PERISH FROM THE
EARTH.
>> HE'S GOT ME DOWN AS THE
GREATEST PRESIDENT IN THE
HISTORY OF OUR COUNTRY INCLUDING
GEORGE WASHINGTON AND ABRAHAM
LINCOLN.
>> I'M GLAD I'M DEAD.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: WELL, HE WAS ALWAYS
HONEST, ABE.
HE REALLY WAS.
[ APPLAUSE ]
DONALD TRUMP THINKS FOURSCORE IS
A STRIP CLUB IN FLORIDA.
[ LAUGHTER ]
YESTERDAY OUR FIRST LADY MELANIA
TRUMP UNVEILED THIS YEAR'S WHITE
HOUSE CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS.
AND SHE DID THAT BY TWEETING A
VERY BEAUTIFUL VIDEO.
♪
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> Jimmy: I FEEL LIKE SHE'S
TRYING TO TELL US SOMETHING.
I JUST CAN'T FIGURE OUT WHAT IT
IS.
YOU KNOW WHO ELSE NEEDS HELP?
JOE BIDEN.
SO THE IOWA CAUCUS IS TWO MONTHS
AWAY, AND TEAM BIDEN HAS A NEW
BUS AND A HOT NEW CAMPAIGN
SLOGAN.
♪
>> ACROSS THE STATE.
>> NO MALARKEY.
>> I'M READY.
>> LET'S GO JOE!
♪
>> Jimmy: YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.
THE NO MALARKEY TOUR IS COMING
TO A SENIOR CENTER NEAR YOU.
[ LAUGHTER ]
WHO SAYS POLITICIANS ARE OUT OF
TOUCH?
IT'S LIKE GRANDPALOOZA IS ON.
GOOD NEWS FOR BILLY BUSH.
THIS IS NOW THE NUMBER ONE MOST
EMBARRASSING THING INVOLVING A
CANDIDATE AND A BUS.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THE NO MALARKEY TOUR WAS THE
IDEA OF BIDEN'S SOCIAL MEDIA
MANAGER.
HERE HE IS.
HIS NAME'S PEEPAW.
[ LAUGHTER ]
JOE'S TAKING THIS SERIOUSLY.
JOE'S SLOWING SXN HIS NEW AD, I
DON'T KNOW THAT THEY'RE HELPING.
>> JOE BIDEN.
A FELLOW YOU CAN TRUST.
A FELLOW WHO KNOWS THE VALUE OF
A BUFFALO NICKEL.
JOE BIDEN WON'T DELIVER A BUSHEL
OF BALDERDASH AND BALLYHOO.
SO IF YOU'RE TIRED OF ALL THE
HORSE APPLES AND GUMMY HUFF
COMING OUT OF WASHINGTON, CRANK
UP THE MOTOR CAR AND 23 SKEDOO
TO THE POLLS TO MAKE YOUR MARK
FOR A DADDY-O WITH MOXIE.
JOE SUSQUEHANNA BIDEN.
>> I'M JOE BIDEN AND I'M
CONFUSED.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: I DON'T KNOW HOW THAT
HAPPENS.
I REALLY DON'T.
BUT AS A SERVICE TO THE BIDEN
CAMPAIGN WE DID AN INFORMAL POLL
OF OUR OWN TODAY.
WE WENT OUT ON THE STREET AND WE
ASKED SOME YOUNG PEOPLE IF ANY
OF THEM KNOW WHAT THE WORD
MALARKEY MEANS.
>> WHAT IS MALARKEY?
>> MALARKEY?
U
UH.
MA QULARK?
I HAVE NO CLUE.
>> WHAT IS MALARKEY?
>> SOMETHING WEIRD.
>> WHAT IS MALARKEY?
>> MM.
I'M GUESSING IT HAS TO DO
SOMETHING WITH ART.
>> LIKE WHAT?
>> PAINTING MAYBE.
>> CAN YOU USE IT IN A SENTENCE?
>> PASS ME THE MALARKEY.
>> MALARKEY?
DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH
DIFFERENT KINGDOMS OR SOMETHING?
>> MAYBE LIKE BANTER OR
SOMETHING LIKE THAT?
>> LIKE WHAT WE'RE DOING RIGHT
NOW.
>> YEAH.
>> IT'S MALARKEY.
>> REALLY?
>> MALARKEY ISN'T A TERM THAT I
USE.
>> WHO USES IT?
>> I THINK CAUCASIAN PEOPLE USE
MA Q
MALARKEY, RIGHT?
>> WHAT KIND OF PERSON USES THAT
WORD?
>> OLD WHITE PEOPLE.
>> LIKE JOE BIDEN?
>> SURE.
ABSOLUTELY.
YES.
>> HOW OLD DO YOU THINK JOE
BIDEN IS?
>> I THINK HE'S LIKE 45.
>> YEAH.
I THINK HE'S AT LEAST -- YEAH.
MAYBE 46.
>> OKAY.
>> JOE BIDEN IS ABOUT TO EMBARK
ON A NO MALARKEY TOUR.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?
>> ON A TOUR TO GO TRY ALL
DIFFERENT CHEESES.
>> WHY DO YOU THINK IT'S CALLED
THE NO MALARKEY TOUR?
>> HE WANTS TO DO AWAY WITH
WHATEVER MALARKEY IS.
>> WHAT IS MALARKEY?
>> BULL [ BLEEP ].
>> CAN YOU USE IT IN A SENTENCE?
>> THIS INTERVIEW IS MALARKEY.
>> THAT SETTLED IT.