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- Hey you! My name is Thomas 'TomSka' Ridgewell and welcome back to...
Big Podcast, Big Balls! It's the world's
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Or as we call it here...
- Today I couldn't decide if I wanted to do a Draw My Life video or goof around with AI
text generation so I decided I'd just put them both together and make a video
that you have no choice but to watch. Not allowed to stop. I'll find you and kill you.
I found a website where if I start typing a sentence it will finish it for me thereby
making my co-writer Eddie completely obsolete! Eddie, you are fired! Goodbye!
So without further ado, let's tell you the absolutely true story of
my life, as decided by an AI, which probably doesn't work very well.
On the day I was born the day was a little bit cloudy.
And it rained. But on that day too my father went to the market.
Thanks Dad! Picking up provisions I assume? This is my Dad. Did not have much hair so
we're giving him the Homer Simpson. That was supposed to be the connector on his glasses,
but I like that being his mouth. My Dad has the body of a baby apparently and he's on his way
to the market and brought home a far cabbage. He took my mother to bed and fed her. I don't know
where this thing is going to go, but I don't like that my parents are in bed! She is in bed. I am
also there. I am baby with beard and I have been swaddled now I am apparently a carrot. I am a good
artist. My Dad who does not have much hair and has big eyes. And what cabbage is it just a circle?
- That's a ball
- Why don't you duck off?
And as he sat down in the corner of the room his eyes filled with tears of joy.
Aww! Okay! Dad's eyes filled with tears of joy. There we go. He looks a bit like a shy
anime girl. When I came into this world she was shouting and crying and running about,
and I had to call her to stop. Mum... What are you doing? We gotta quickly jump back
into what was happening at the exact moment of my birth. Let's assume I'm on the floor here because
I've been born and immediately dropped. Not happy about it. And I'm a little newborn baby.
Let's say this is really early on. They have not even had the time to swaddle me so I'm
dick and balls out. My Mum, flupping mad lad, is shouting and crying and running about. My Mum is
wearing a hospital gown. It's not all the way done up and there's a little bum. Little bum.
This is historically accurate. Do you remember the doctor?
I didn't mention him but he was also there. He is trying to catch my mother. He is just doing
his job. And as I mentioned I was calling her to stop. Mother! Get a flupping grip!
As I lay in her arms I saw her breast heaving with her cries. The cabbage went sour in her mouth.
I took the cabbage and threw it over the wall. Just to clarify we are back in the bedroom with
the cabbage. There is cabbage in my Mum's mouth. She is crying once again. Oh, mother! Remember, I
am here! Being swaddled like the little carrot man I am. And my Dad was there too just to be clear.
He wasn't an absent father. My Mum was eating a cabbage, sobbing in bed. And I had enough. I
was sick of it at the hospital and I'm sick of it now. So what happened? I bust out of that swaddle!
I took the cabbage, threw it over the wall, and for the first time she looked at me with
something approaching tenderness. Kinda flupped up she hadn't done that sooner, but y'know busy
running and screaming and eating cabbage. I mean I get it. Cabbage go flupping bye bye! Yeet! What
is tenderness look like? Is that tenderness? I don't get to see it very often. So little
naked baby threw a cabbage over a wall and for the first time ever my Mum loved me. That's the story
of my birth! This is cannon! This is lore! Didn't get that in The Complete History of Me, did you?
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- When I was a young boy, around 7 or 8 years old, my family took a trip to Florida. That's actually
true that did happen. Alright, we got a little me. I had a bowl cut because my Mum flupping hated me
apparently. I think that's pretty accurate. How do I draw Florida? There is a crocodile. He's got a
little tail. He's got an eye. He's got another eye. Forgot to draw his teeth. There they are.
And they've got spikes on their back like dinosaurs. I'm a good artist. Oh, he has a gun
and he is wearing a make America great again cap. I can only fit M. He is now Mario.
- YAHOOO!
- I was at the beach with my cousin, when a shark came up and almost took me. I was
wrong. I assumed he was a crocodile, but he's not. He's actually a shark. That's the same but bigger.
Sharks have a big fin right? I don't know what a shark looks like. This is dawning on me. This
doesn't look like a shark. This just looks like a worse crocodile. As I ran to safety,
my cousin saw me and wanted me to follow. Unfortunately,
I couldn't move my arms and legs. Christ! Alright! Okay I'm going to draw the shark better this time.
- What's that?
- Worse
I don't know what a shark looks like.
He just looks like a really horny dolphin I think?
So anyway. Here's the shark. He's got his fist. He's shaking it because he's like "Get back here you
damn kid!" and as we said I'm running away, but I cannot use my arms or legs.
I guess I'm doing the worm? These are the worst arms I've drawn.
I'm getting worse at drawing as this goes along. So I was running away and of course,
my cousin saw me and wanted to follow. Oh! My cousin just thought we were having fun
and he's just running along too. Which cousin shall I draw? I've got 13 of them. Pick one.
- The 13th one
- I think he's probably about 2? So we are just going to draw him. He's ... He's he's coming. So
any way as we were running away from this shark unfortunately, I could not move my arms and legs
and he was a lot faster than me. So, the shark caught up with him and bit him on the leg. Aww
jeez man! Now I've got to draw another shark. Can I look up what a shark looks like?
- No
- Great
- I think it's better if we learn together
- A fish!
- I mean it's closer
- Angry! His leg is in a shark now. And he's like AAA! That's what a baby sounds like. I
feel like the only reason the shark attacked my cousin is because my cousin was faster than me
and therefore more of a challenge? Because I'm in the background over here. I'm just like shocked. I
can't believe what I'm seeing. I can't believe it! What happened next? When went over to him, I saw
that the shark had already turned his attention to him and I knew he was dead. That does scan.
I mean if a two-year-olds leg gets bitten off by a shark throw out the whole baby. It's done. That
baby is done. The thought of something killing him was hard for me to comprehend. I need to draw me
at the age of 7, struggling to comprehend death. That seems accurate. My grandparents in the crowd
ran over and started yelling and screaming. When they finally turned around, they were in shock to
see that I was alive. Yeah, I somehow sacrificed a baby. Go me? I'll draw the dead baby in the
background. It just looks like I don't care, but the truth is I'm struggling to comprehend death.
So we will draw my grandparents. So there's my grandma and there's my grandad. My grandma
has eyes. She's one of them quirky grandmas with eyes. Oh! Ah! My grandfather's first instinct was
to laugh, I was covered in blood and the shark was gone. Okay I was wrong earlier, my grandad
was not shocked. He flupping loves it. Yeah! He loves this situation. He hated my cousin.
And I was covered in blood. Specifically baby blood. I'm covered in blood. There is blood
everywhere. My cousin never fully recovered from his injury. Yeah, that's called dying. The
deep memory of the shark attack has stayed with me throughout my life. There we go!
- Aww that's nice
- That's a story
- What an amazing childhood you had
- I learned a lot. It was a growth experience
- On my 16th birthday I headed out to the local YMCA and jumped on the 'biggest loser' track.
My goal was to lose 30lbs. Also weirdly accurate. I really was desperately trying to lose 2 stones
when I was 16. This is kind of creepy. What does YMCA stand for?
- Young Men's Christian Association
- Young Men's Christian Association? Well, we've got to extend that sign,
haven't we? YMCAT! My goal was to lose 30lbs. That sounds like a lot, but there was no set goal. I
would be happy to lose 10lbs. I was certain it would come off easier than the first time. Well,
what do you know, I lost the 30lbs
- You gonna draw a little montage?
- I'm gonna draw a little montage. I got to lift them little weights. That's a great drawing.
I love that a lot. That's me running. And what else do you do to lose weight? You pray at the
Young Men's Christian Association! Getting those spiritual gains boy! And that was the sweatiest
task of all! Drenching in sweat! Well, what do you know, I lost the 30lbs. And then some! But to be
honest that was a little short-lived. Now when I look at myself in the mirror, I cringe. I weigh
more than I ever have. I now officially weigh more than the sum total of all the bodies of all
my family members put together. And let's face it, you can't blame that on aging alone. You know when
I did that speaking to the robots thing and then I felt like I was getting harassed by a real human?
- Pokers your fat belly
- What the flup?
- I feel like that's happening again, but I have to draw it because that's what this video is.
This is brutal dude. That's my cringing in a mirror. And this is... really depressing. Aww,
this really sucks dude! Aww, man. And let's just draw a mirror.
- You doing okay?
- That was mean
- It's all well and good telling a not actually too far off version of my life using AI but let's
take advantage of this and find out how it's all going to end. On the day I died, my age was going
to be about 42. To mark the moment, I received a shot of the drug that was meant to kill me.
- A mystery!
- A mystery! What do I look like at about 42? I have not stopped spiking my hair I have had
a midlife crisis and instead of having a spiky beard I now just have a goatee.
This is who I will be. Why do I look like Daddy Pig.
I just a shot of the drug that was meant to kill me. So here we are drawing an evil doctor.
- Maybe it's the doctor from the very beginning?
- OH! He's old now and he's here to finish what he started. To mark the moment, I received a shot of
the drug that was meant to kill me, three times. This caused me to vomit violently,
then fall asleep. Fantastic! Okay here we go. Blehuhluh. There's a bit of corn in there.
- Just one?
- Yeah just one. It got in there by accident. I didn't eat it. I don't know how it got in there.
The doctors decided this meant I was dead and worked to resuscitate me. They were the ones
that tried to kill me with a drug three times. This continued for about ten minutes until a
doctor informed me that I was still alive. I flupping hate it when they do that. Alright,
so we've got a doctor here. And he is working really hard to resuscitate me. I'm just gonna
continue drawing the doctor as exhausted. I feel like he's bringing me back to life just
to kill me again. Electric. Buzz. Buzz. Buzz. I was told later that they had been able to
restart my heart. The thing that brought me back was hearing a wee child screaming very loudly.
That was my sign to them that I was still alive. This did nothing. It was the little wee child
going bah bah bah I'm a little baby. It's wearing a hat, but you can't see it.
- What kind of hat?
- Propella hat. The only hat children wear. Stupid.
The doctor who tried to poison me, however, should have been scared. I kicked him like a
mule and broke his nose. He was the only one who should have been scared. A thing I've already made
clear. I'm a good writer. I mean sure he poisoned me and then resuscitated me, you better believe
I'm getting my revenge. My hands are here. And I've just booted the bad man. Get the heck out of
here boy! Is that clear yet? Woosh Boosh! Support the NHS. I then tried to sober the doctors up,
I thought it was necessary that they know exactly why I was there. Is it clear what they are?
With the little mouths and the eyes and the head? You know what? The point is it was necessary they
know why I'm here. For revenge, obviously. I said to the doctors, "Last year I had a bad experience
with a doctor." and as we know it's because he tried to kill me. "I think the reason he did it
was because he was afraid of me. If I ever see him I will kill him." I assume that's referring
to the doctor who I just kicked like a mule. I told the doctors "If they ever talk to him
I will come after them too." The doctor on call to my surprise shook his head. He said "what would
you have me do? Just turn him away?" Yeah, dude! You get fired if you try to kill people. "If we
fired every doctor who tried to kill someone we'd be out of doctors!" He told me that "I should take
care of the problem" and I promised that I would. I told him I would make sure the doctor knew how
to take care of himself. We said goodbye and that was the end of that. I never saw the doctor again.
He was dead by next week. Aww let me just draw that shall I? Doctor there. You know what Elliot?
- Oh no!
- Yeah, Elliot! I'm pissing on him! I went to that mother truckers grave and I pissed on him.
Pissed in his dead little face! And then I died at the ripe old age of 52. Who's pissing on my grave?
- Probably Eddie
- Probably Eddie. Why?
- He loves to piss!
- He does love to piss! That's why we call him the piss man!
- That was my life. I hate to break it to you but everything in the complete history of me
series is a lie. I was born amidst cabbage, a shark ate my cousin's leg, I lost a lot of weight
then put it back on... No, that one did actually happen... And then I died at the age of 52! So you
know... That's a harrowing thing I have to know and look forward to. 2042 baby! Guess I'll die!
Aye! We've got a Patreon! What do we do on Patreon? We've got like videos, we've got
uncut versions of these videos. Was there stuff cut from this video? I don't know maybe? But
if there was it's on Patreon. We've got Discord. Hang out there play some games every now and then.
Insult each other. We've got a podcast. Want an extra hour of me and my friends every month
doing stuff? You can have that on Patreon. Or you don't have to. Literally, you can just not. But
thank you very much for watching! And as I have never said before I will see you next time. Bye!
Oh! That's a rude word!