- New York City, how's it goin'?
(audience cheering)
Oh my God, it is so good to be back in New York.
I lived here for six years and then I moved away,
and did you guys know you can do that?
(audience laughing)
There's other cities you can live in.
(audience laughing)
And in some of them, they let you control the temperature
of your own apartment;
(audience laughing) did you guys know that?
You decide, you just punch a button,
you don't have to wait for a guy you've never met
to finally turn the radiator on so you can...
be too hot all winter; it's great.
(audience laughing)
There's whole cities where your landlord is a person
and not a feral cat, did you guys know that?
(audience laughing)
It's insane.
My landlord here was Lenny, he was an orange tabby,
(audience laughing)
and he only had one eye.
I'm not positive he was my landlord,
but I was scared of him so...
(audience laughing)
I just put money in his bowl once a month.
But here's the thing, I'm talking shit,
I keep coming back; that's the thing about New York City,
you can't ever really leave.
'Cause really, living in New York City
is like being in an abusive relationship,
that's really what it is;
you just keep- it just beats the shit out of you
and then finally one day you're like,
"You know what? I've had enough of this, New York City;
I deserve better, I'm leaving, I'm outta here."
And then New York City puts molly in your beer
and sucks your dick in a cab and you're like,
(yelling) "Greatest city on Earth!
(audience laughing)
I'll never leave!"
And New York's like, "That's right, bitch, tell 'em
I'm the best or I'll put more dead rats in your wall."
It's like, "Okay! You're the best."
(audience laughing)
It's good to see everybody drinking.
I don't drink anymore and I perform in bars
and I feel like R. Kelly performing at prom.
(audience laughing)
(singing) My mind's telling me no!
(audience laughing)
People always wanna know why you quit drinking;
I got several reasons, I guess.
First reason is I don't wanna find out the answer
to the question, "How many times can you pee on a woman
before she'll no longer marry you?"
(audience laughing)
So far the answer is not two.
(audience laughing)
It's probably three, right? Three strikes you're out?
I also love driving drunk,
that's another one of my problems.
(audience laughing)
And I wanna be clear about what I just said.
It's not I'm willing to or in a pinch, I look forward to it;
very pumped up to do it.
(audience laughing)
It's very fun to me.
And I'll drive any car too; my car or your car,
I don't give a shit.
(audience laughing)
I was telling my friend about this, he was like,
"What about Uber? They have Uber now." And I was like,
"Yeah, I'll fucking drive one of those, too, what do I do?"
(audience laughing)
Download an app and a car comes to me? This rules.
"Get out, nerd, I'm driving;
I got better music, let's go!"
(audience laughing)
So you know, I got a DUI and uh...
(audience laughing)
Here's the thing, though, I got my DUI at a DUI checkpoint;
I hate that, I think that's
bad sportsmanship. (audience awwing)
I know!
(audience laughing)
It's like, you couldn't catch me out in the wild, could ya?
(audience laughing)
You had to set a trap.
Luckily, I got my DUI in Wisconsin;
if you're gonna get a DUI, do it there,
they are super-chill about it.
(audience laughing)
They don't even take your license, it's like,
"Are you gonna take my license?"
They were like, "No! How would ya get to the bar?!"
(audience laughing)
People wanna know how you quit drinking
and so everyone asks me, "What's your secret?
How'd you quit? What'd you do?"
And I can only tell you what I did,
which is cocaine.
(audience laughing)
'Cause you gotta get to the bottom, you know what I mean?
(audience member cheering) (audience laughing)
Quit fuckin' around.
You can drink too much for decades,
you start doing cocaine, you're gonna come outside in about
six months blinking into the sun just like,
"I think I need to change some things.
(audience laughing)
Doesn't feel sustainable."
I never though I was gonna get into cocaine,
I was surprised.
I was a good Christian boy, I was like, "No, sir,
no hard drugs for me, no way, never!"
And then I tried cocaine and I was like,
"I think I was wrong about cocaine, this is...
(audience laughing)
pretty sweet.
You're telling me I can believe in myself for $50?!
(audience laughing)
Okay!"
People think drugs are expensive; I think they're too cheap,
I shouldn't be able to meet God for $50.
(audience laughing)
There should be more standing between me and my maker
than $50, but okay.
I was talking to my therapist about the cocaine thing,
you know? Trying to figure out how it happened.
And here's what we figured out;
I grew up playing basketball very seriously,
that's all I cared about as a kid,
I was a very serious basketball player.
And here's what they don't tell you when you're a kid
playing sports, is one day it is going to end.
(audience laughing)
And you should probably have just anything else
you enjoy doing,
(audience laughing)
'cause you're about to have a bunch of free time
and a very intense spirit.
(audience laughing)
And if you don't have anywhere productive to put it,
it's gonna get weird.
I couldn't win basketball games anymore,
so I started trying to win parties.
(audience laughing)
I'm not sure if you've ever tried to win a party,
but it's the only way to lose a party;
it is the one way to do that.
(audience laughing)
There's no shock-clock, slow down.
(audience laughing)
'Cause here's the thing, you unlock an intensity
inside yourself as an athlete that has no practical purpose
in regular life, but it doesn't just go away.
I remember in high school, I got a rebound one time
and there was a kid's head right here,
and so I just instinctually squeezed his head
against my body and then pivoted like this.
And I felt his neck crack.
He started crying, he had to leave the game,
he went to the hospital...
and I felt good about it; I felt good.
I didn't apologize at all, I was just at half-court like,
"That's what happens when you come in my paint!"
(audience laughing)
So that's who I am now.
And nobody wants that level of intensity from a 35-year-old
man who looks like he just stormed the Capitol, you know?
(audience laughing)
No one wants me at the bank like,
"Who's ready to make a deposit, let's go!"
(audience laughing)
"Dude, you better calm down.
(quietly) We just called the police."
The only people who like that level of intensity
in adult life? Cocaine people.
Very pumped up, I'm like,
"Who wants a chest bump?" They're like, "Me!
I like all kinds of bumps!" I'm like, "Hell yeah."
(audience laughing)
That's my tribe.
You guys can relax, I don't do cocaine anymore
unless you have some.
(audience laughing)
Talk to a therapist now, so I'm doing much better thank you
and I think um... (audience cheering)
(audience clapping)
Everybody should talk to a therapist, I really believe that.
(audience clapping and cheering)
And especially men, we gotta talk to therapists.
(audience clapping and cheering)
But, you gotta give us some time.
There's a lot of pressure right now, there's a lot of like,
(shaky voice) "Men will literally buy a motorcycle
instead of going to therapy."
(audience laughing) And it's like,
can you give me a minute?
I was raised in the 90's and early 2000's,
I was told reading books is gay; it's gonna take a second
to get to talking about my emotions.
(audience laughing)
So now I go to therapy, it's great.
I got diagnosed actually,
I got diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder II,
which is dope; I caught the sequel.
(audience laughing)
You always want the second version of a thing, you know?
You gotta let 'em work out all the bugs.
(audience laughing)
I was a weird diagnosis, I thought being diagnosed
was gonna be more helpful than that, you know?
Help me identify what causes my anxiety,
what are my triggers.
I was like, "Doc, what do you think's making me so anxious?"
He was like, "Ah, generalized, does that help?
(audience laughing)
It seems being alive really puts you on edge."
(audience laughing) I was like, "Tight, dude.
Appreciate that."
We found out 'cause I have panic attacks,
I was telling him about it and so like,
sometimes in big moments in my life,
like a basketball game or like a comedy taping,
I'll get real nervous.
(audience laughing)
And my throat'll get real tight and my mouth'll get dry
and I'll have a stutter that wasn't there before
and my hands'll get clammy.
And I hate it when that happens, I told my therapist
I feel like a pussy when that happens;
I know that pussy is an archaic way of saying weak,
'cause it suggests that vaginas are weak
when really they're strong and giving of life,
(audience members cheering) and my girl made me add that
to the joke, but the point is...
(audience member laughing)
The point is I decided I feel like a pussy,
(audience laughing)
when that happens.
And I don't know if you've been to therapy before,
but a lot of times what'll happen is your therapist
will take negative words that you use about yourself
and start using them at you, so that you learn that
you don't like to be talked to that way.
(audience laughing)
So for me, therapy's become an hour of a 65-year-old
Jewish man calling me a pussy
until I give him $100,
(audience laughing)
which feels like something a pussy would do;
I don't know if it's working.
(audience laughing)
Feel like I should beat him up and take his money,
I don't need therapy anymore.
Basically, generalized anxiety disorder,
what that means is that my brain is a bad detective;
that's how I would describe it.
I have a very confident bad cop living in my head,
and he looks at all the correct evidence
and then just makes the wildly wrong conclusion.
(audience laughing)
He comes in, he's like, "All right, let's take a look
at this case, what do we have here? Interesting.
It appears when you enter a room,
people tend to react warmly, okay.
They're often smiling, they say nice things about you
personally and professionally.
(audience laughing)
Not to mention, there's always an outpouring of support
when times get tough; open and shut case here,
everybody hates you.
(audience laughing) Everybody hates you.
Everybody hates you and it's the only thing they talk about
when you're not around, I know, it's crazy.
They actually meet up at coffee shops and talk about
what a piece of shit you are.
(audience laughing)
And the only way to make them stop would be if you message
each of them individually on Facebook,
preferably at three in the morning
so they know you're serious,
(audience laughing)
and apologize for things that happened 15 years ago
that only you remember." And I'm like,
(audience laughing)
"Aye, aye, detective."
And so my buddy was asking me about therapy,
he was like, 'What's it like?"
'Cause he told me he had heard that therapy is like
cleaning out your garage.
He's like, "It's like a big job, you shouldn't start
until you're ready to see it through, is that accurate?"
And I was like, "I guess."
I'd say it's more like this;
it's more like you have a garage that you don't think
is that dirty, and then people come over and they're like,
"Hey, what the fuck's going on with this garage?"
(audience laughing)
And you're like, "Hey, what if you didn't just come
to my house anymore?" And they're like,
"That's kinda what we're talking about."
(audience laughing)
So you finally agree to clean the garage.
And so you go online, you find someone that specializes
in your specific kind of garage, and then you pay them $100
a week to watch you clean your own garage
(audience laughing)
while they ask you very condescending questions.
And you're like, "What do you think this is?"
They're like, "What do you think this is?"
I think this is highway robbery is what I think this is.
And you don't even start cleaning the garage first, no no.
First, you gotta go to that box you have buried
in the corner of the garage,
that you don't even know what's in there,
you just know it's been there since you were a kid
and you don't want to know what's in there.
(audience laughing)
And they're like, "Let's go ahead and pop that open."
And you're like, "I don't even know your name."
And they're like, "Nah, just do it."
So you open the box and you just fling the contents
all over the garage and then you spend one day a week
putting exactly one item away, and the rest of the week
hanging out in a now dirtier, scarier garage.
(audience laughing)
So, if that sounds fun, check out therapy.
You guys have been great, thank you so much.
(record scratching and beeping)