﻿Hey guys, I’m Kya,
and we’re gonna need a bigger boat.
Just when you think it’s safe to go back in the water,
Shark Week reminds us of the deadly predators that lurk beneath the ocean waves.
These ferocious fish have terrorized our planet for 400 million years,
but our fears got their biggest focal point in 1975,
with Steven Spielberg’s landmark blockbuster, ‘Jaws.’
So churn up some chum,
shut down the beaches,
and smile you son of a--
because this is
How to Kill Jaws
Okay, so that’s not the shark’s name,
but ‘How to Kill Bruce’ just wouldn’t have the same impact,
and neither would the original ending from Peter Benchley’s book.
In the novel, the great fish just kinda… dies from blood loss and exhaustion.
It’s not exactly cinematic,
which is why Spielberg himself came up with a more explosive ending,
where Jaws is obliterated by a punctured
Scuba Tank
The residents of Amity Island have their hands full with the giant great white shark that’s terrorizing the town.
Swimmers are getting gobbled left and right,
the Mayor refuses to close the beaches,
and grieving parents are holding Chief Martin Brody directly responsible.
He finally convinces the town to give ten grand to Quint,
a full-service shark hunter.
What's a half-service shark hunter? Does he just catch it, cut it, and let it go like "that's all I'm here for!'
And together with oceanographer Matt Hooper,
the three men set sail aboard The Orca to put an end to the feeding frenzy.
Plan A involves sticking the shark with a bunch of harpoons attached to floating barrels.
Shoot!
The additional drag should, in theory, tire him out and make him an easy hook,
but Jaws is just too powerful.
For Plan B, Hooper descends to the depths in an attempt to poison the prehistoric predator,
but the fish makes quick work of the so-called “shark-proof” cage.
As the boat is sinking,
Hooper is in hiding,
and Quint is in the early stages of digestion,
Brody remembers some handy-dandy foreshadowing.
DAMMIT, Martin! You screw around with these tanks and they're gonna blow up!
He stuffs a scuba tank in the shark’s mouth,
and climbs the mast in a last-ditch effort to survive.
His harpoon stabs have no effect,
so in a final act of desperation,
he grabs Quint’s trusty M1 Garand and fires a round directly into the pressurized tank,
setting off a massive explosion that decimates the aquatic menace.
Smile, you son of a--
Now, as we all learned from ‘Mythbusters,’
this wouldn’t actually work in real life.
Even with armor piercing rounds,
the air inside the tank doesn’t explode,
it just rockets out of the hole.
Adam and Jamie may have Busted the ending,
but Spielberg busted the block.
‘Jaws’ basically gave birth to the summer event film,
and set the template for future franchises to follow,
right down to the string of sequels with a steady decline in quality,
starting with ‘Jaws 2,’
where a brand new shark gets toasted in the ultimate
Fish Fry
Spielberg immediately turned down the opportunity to direct the sequel to ‘Jaws,’
since he had such a miserable time making the first one that he refused to go through that nightmare again.
This is my second day at sea, and I have 54 more days to go. If I survive this, I'll have learned a lot.
Still, there was money to be made, so Universal proceeded without him.
‘Jaws 2’ was originally going to be a World War II flashback about Quint’s harrowing experience on the U.S.S. Indianapolis,
but we had to wait 38 years for Nic Cage to make the definitive film on that subject.
Instead, the final film turned out to be basically just a rehash of the first one.
Another shark attacks Amity,
the mayor is skeptical,
so Brody has to kill it.
At least the shark is a little more aggro this time.
Spielberg kept the creature hidden throughout ‘Jaws,’
to hide the unconvincing and barely working mechanical models.
Which is also why the movie's so scary.
But for the sequel, the shark is front and center right from the start,
and it’s not just attacking kids and dogs, this time.
It swims fast enough to feast on a water skier,
and goes after the boat that pulls her, too,
but when the driver fights back with a flare gun,
the resulting explosion leaves the shark horribly scarred.
Animal abuse!
The injuries don’t seem to slow it down, though,
I mean, it doesn’t have any trouble eating a helicopter.
The shark corners Brody and his son on a tiny island that houses an electrical relay station.
After some wholesome bonding,
Brody tries to pull in the helpless kids, but snags an underwater cable instead,
and when he baits the shark into biting it,
Jaws is fatally electrocuted.
SAY AHH!
Even more shocking,
‘Jaws 2’ actually made a ton of money,
despite not being all the great.
In 1978, it broke the opening weekend record with a then-whopping $9 million.
Another sequel, and shark, was inevitable,
and, much like the first film,
the star of ‘Jaws 3D’ died from an
Inedible Explosive
By this point,
the amount of shark attacks experienced by the Brody family were pushing the bounds of believability,
Which is why the third ‘Jaws’ film was pitched as a comedy called ‘Jaws 3, People 0.’
Sadly, we never got to see the John Hughes-written spoof,
because the studio had a different gimmick in mind to keep the franchise fresh, like sushi.
Thanks to the popularity of VCRs and video rentals,
Hollywood went through a huge 3D phase in the early ‘80s.
From ‘Friday the 13th’ to ‘The Amityville Horror,’
Studios thought 3D would put butts in theater seats,
and squeeze a few more bucks out of tired franchises.
‘Jaws 3D’ was no exception.
Amity Island gets a much-needed break in this installment,
which takes place at SeaWorld instead.
Brody’s sons help capture a baby Great White that infiltrated the amusement park,
and, if you’ve seen ‘Blackfish,’
you shouldn’t be too surprised to learn it dies in captivity.
Then, the baby’s pissed off mother breaches the gates and wreaks havoc on the resort.
A shark hunter tries to take her out with a grenade,
but the jaws clamp down before he set it off.
leaving her free to feast on friendly dolphins.
Fortunately, she never swallowed the grenade,
Giving Mike the opportunity to pull the pin,
and send a shower of shark parts blasting out of the screen,
including the titular ‘Jaws.’
Grenades are also known to be effective against sharks in real life,
or at least, real life by way of Universal Studios.
In ‘Jaws: The Ride,’
Amity sightseeing boats are equipped with military surplus grenade launchers,
which come in handy when the shark attacks your tour.
Some electric wire weakens it ala Jaws 2,
but it takes a precision shot from your friendly skipper to put it down for good.
Anyway, back to ‘Jaws 3D.’
The shark blows up,
Everyone rejoices,
the dolphins do some tricks,
the end.
It would have been a fine send-off for the franchise,
but they couldn’t resist one more bite,
and in ‘Jaws: The Revenge,’
the colossal creature can only be stopped by some reckless
Ramming
This didn’t make it into the final cut,
but originally, they were going to explain the Brody’s unlikely encounters with sharks as the result of a voodoo curse.
Because science.
Hence why Brody’s widow Ellen has an unexplained psychic connection to the beast,
and why it follows her to the Bahamas after it kills one of her sons.
I don’t know what it would have done if she moved to, like, Nebraska,
but then she might have never gotten her "revenge."
Fun fact: This is the movie that coined the tagline
“This time, it’s personal.”
So, with some help from her friends Michael Caine and Mario Van Peebles.
Ellen is able to confuse the shark with electrical impulses,
call on the spirit of Roy Scheider,
and fatally impale it on the shattered prow of the boat.
In the original cut, Jaws just bled to death,
kinda like the book.
But after the American audience responded negatively,
the producers added a big old explosion for foreign distribution.
Beyond that, the film is mostly known for two things:
It’s the basis for the Nintendo ‘Jaws’ game,
where the final boss fight plays out in a similar fashion,
and it’s the source for a famous Michael Caine quote.
He said he’s never seen the film, but
“I have seen the house that it built, and it’s terrific.”
Oh, crap!
Despite its lackluster legacy of sequels,
‘Jaws’ fundamentally changed the way films are made.
And while the sharks might not measure up to monsters like ‘The Meg,’
and Samuel L. Jackson never taught them to swim backwards,
they helped give birth to the concept of a ‘blockbuster.’
and kickstarted our obsession with killer sharks.