Do you know why so many lottery winners are broke five years after they've won?
You know why so many of us continue to eat rubbish?
Or smoke or drink even though we know it's bad for our health.
It's the same reason we self sabotage in our love lives by replaying the same
old unhelpful thoughts and beating ourselves up, by continuing to date
the same bad person in a different body, or even by sabotaging it with the good
guys that you meet. Today, I'm going to be talking self-sabotage
and why it happens and how to stop it.
Don't forget to download the 12 Texts To Make Him Yours, your free download
from the description, and I'll see for the self-sabotage and how to stop it
right after this.
[Music playing]
All right, self-sabotage. Why do we do it to ourselves?
Why do we ruin our chances at success? It's the same reason for health,
wealth, and relationships. The reason is safety.
And once you understand this reason, you can teach your brain to stop
self-sabotaging by some strategies and some questions I'm going to show you
in about a minutes' time. So in the meantime, I want to show you how this
would look in a health example. Just so you get the concept.
Okay, think about, or a wealth example. We'll start with, think about someone
who wins a lottery. Okay, they have a financial comfort zone.
They have a range of money assets that they are comfortable handling.
And suddenly you give them a lottery win, and they're miles outside that
comfort zone. This is an overwhelm to their nervous system.
Their nervous system hasn't dealt with that volume of pressure,
of money, of decisions, of problems, so it makes a lot of sense for them
to self-sabotage. Their nervous system brings them back into alignment to
where they used to through self-sabotage.
Now, do some lottery winners keep their money? Sure!
But how do they do it? Delay. They delay getting the money.
They delay or slow the payments. They delay purchases, and they delay
making decisions about what to do with the money.
Often, they hire an expert and that expert then takes time and researches,
et cetera. By the time all this has happened, all these delays have given
the nervous system enough time to adapt to the new amount of money.
Thus, they're safer in that money range. It's the same with health.
So this is a truth bomb. And I've noticed this for quite a number of clients
that I've worked with who struggle with their health.
Being unhealthy for many of them is safer. It's safer to their nervous system.
Now, for some women. This is because unfortunately, they've had a painful
or even traumatic experience of having someone's attraction that they didn't
want, at say a lower body weight, and thus, they feel safer and more comfortable
at a higher body weight. Another example would be comfort eating. You feel safe,
and it relieves some tension when you go to the fridge and comfort eat.
Another example I've seen was a woman who self sacrificed all her time.
It was her comfort zone and her love pattern to always give to others to a
self sacrificing level. And thus, she never made time to go to the gym
and look after her own health.
So hopefully, you can now see how this would work, why our nervous
systems adapt us to what we're used to and keep us in our comfort zones
causing self-sabotage. So how do you break this pattern in your love life?
Well, to begin with, I want to ask you a couple of questions,
so you can be really aware of how you're doing it.
So the first question is, "When and where are you self-sabotaging right now?"
If you need to pause the video and have a real think, write down a couple
of places and things you do where you self-sabotage."
Second question, "How are you self sabotaging right now?"
So write down and pause the video if you need to and write down
or have a couple of clear ideas in your head, exactly how you are
self-sabotaging right now.
And the third question, the most important one is,
"What kind of safety do you get from the self sabotage?"
Now, this will be a harder question for you to answer because a lot of
this is subconscious. A lot of this you're not aware of when you're doing it.
You're not thinking going, "Hey, I'm going to eat some shit food that feels safer," right?
Or even, "I'm going to waste this money away.
That will feel safer." That, it's very subconscious.
So you have to think a little bit more about this question.
You know, for example, the woman who continues to attract the same narcissist
again and again, in a different body. Now, how would that be safer?
How would her nervous system interpret that as safer?
Well, for example, attracting that type of man could mean that she's less
likely to be rejected because he's perceived as not as high a quality
a guy, so he's more on her level, at least to her nervous system.
How else could it be safer?
That could've been her childhood pattern that she grew up with that style of
relationship. So subconsciously, she's very good at handling or perceive she's
good at handling that type of man. It could be that on a deeper level, she or you don't
feel like you deserve the high-quality relationship, so it's safer to go after the
lower quality guys. Rejection will hurt less from a narcissistic type guy because
you kind of know he's a bad guy and not that great and won't form that
deep connection, so the rejection is a bit more superficial. But if you get rejected
from someone fantastic, who really knows you and loves you, that hurts, right?
So there's all sorts of different safety-based reasons a woman, for example,
may continue to attract the same bad narcissist in a different body.
Let me give you another example. I had a client who would continue to
replay the old thoughts in her head and would beat herself up. And the thoughts
were basically that she was with the perfect guy and then ruined it.
"My actions. I had my chance at love, and I ruined it. I'm an idiot."
And years later, she's still replaying those thoughts again and again and
again and again, and again. Now, every time she tries to let go of those thoughts, it
felt unsafe because letting go of those thoughts and this guy was terrible by
the way, but letting go of these thoughts and moving on to risk rejection with a
new guy, that was scary. It felt unsafe, more rejection. And it was a much safer
place for her to stay with her own self-deprecating, beating herself up
pattern. So I want you to have a real think now. You know when, you know where,
you know how. Your self-sabotaging behavior, how does it create some safety?
I'd love for you to pause the video and even write this down,
so you can post in the comments below. Pause the video right now, have a think
and answer that question how it creates safety.
Okay, awesome! Now, you've done that. And now you're aware of when, where
and how, and you're aware of how you can get that safe feeling from your
self-sabotaging behavior, it's not much easier than you would think to fix it.
I used to take clients through this huge process. I used to go right into
their past. I used to do all sorts of awareness and building and it
worked, but it took ages. Now, I have a much, much quicker way to do it.
So what I will do is I'll have the client answer two questions.
That's it. Two questions. It gets rid of self-sabotage.
The first question is, "How does behavior I want make me safer?"
And then, "How does self-sabotaging behavior make me unsafe,
or how is it dangerous?" Now, I know what you're probably thinking.
You're thinking, "Mark that's stupid. It's too simple.
Like, I know that logically. I know logically not dating a
narcissist is safer. And I know logically, dating a narcissist is unsafe,
but emotionally, I don't feel that. Like, what use is the logic
if I don't feel the emotion?" Let me make something really clear.
If you know something logically, but don't know it emotionally,
you don't really know it. You can contemplate the idea, but in terms
of your nervous system, that's not what your nervous system knows.
If I tell you, you know, if a woman comes to me and she says,
"Mark, there are no good men in Boston."
Right? I can tell her Boston's population. And I can say,
"Well, there's X million people in Boston. There's probably going to be some
good men in there somewhere." Right? She can logically contemplate the idea.
She's like, "Okay, logically, I get that there's some good men in Boston.
But seriously, there's no good men in Boston." And let's say, I get together
all the good men in Boston. I just go out, and I get like 500 of Boston's most
eligible bachelors. I put them all in a room for her and have her meet them,
is she going to walk out of that room having met 500 great single Boston men
saying there's no good men in Boston?
Of course she's not! Okay, she's going to be like,
"There's heaps of good men in Boston!"
Because it's no longer an idea she's contemplating, it's a reality she's
experienced. It's an idea that she's absorbed deep into her nervous system.
So when you're answering these two questions, whatever it is around
your self-sabotage, I don't get clients to answer them once or twice.
You can't answer them once or twice. I will sit there for an hour.
Sometimes two hours, sometimes longer, absolutely barreling this
client this question as to how this makes you safer, how the behavior
won't make you safer and how the self-sabotage makes you unsafe.
And we will go off on all sorts of tangents for hours rolling the same
question again and again. And seriously, by the time this is done, all the client
wants to do is go and take the good behavior because it feels so safe.
And the moment she even thinks about self sabotaging, she gets scared
cause it feels dangerous. It's gone from a logical idea she's contemplated to
a subconscious belief deep in her nervous system.
And that is when you really know a concept to be true.
That is when you really know that you are safer by no longer
self-sabotaging. So you can do this with me. You can book in for a
one on one with me. You can come to my Empowerment Academy
and do it as part of a group. Or if you don't want to spend any money,
you can even do it on your own. Just do it however. Okay, just do it.
Stop your self-sabotage will ruin your love life.
It'll ruin the other areas of your life too as we've explained.
Find a way to stop your self-sabotage now. Just ask yourself the two
questions related to your sabotage after the three for awareness,
and you will be able to stop this pattern and achieve the results you want
in life and love.
And that's the video! Thank you so much for watching!
It's been an absolute pleasure having you here.
Leave your thoughts, comments, questions, self sabotage,
and maybe a couple of reasons why it's unsafe to do that in the comments
box below. I would love to read that from you. It would warm my heart
if you put that in the comments box. Hit the subscribe button
with the little bell and of course, the thumbs up.
And continue to empower yourself through growth, self esteem and
authenticity. I'll see you in the next video.