Transcriber: Tania Klimova Reviewer: Denise RQ
Thank you.
Beauty can be found in every culture,
as long as she has blond hair and blue eyes.
Even the Chinese culture adapted to Hollywood beauty standards.
When I came to Holland, I was 23 years old. Single.
And I believed that love goes beyond country borders.
Because I found attractive women in every country.
Then I started to notice a weird phenomenon.
Rarely Asian men are in relationships with Western white women.
Have you ever noted this?
According to US Census Bureau data,
Asian women are three times more likely than Asian men to marry white people.
Why?
In a world where intercultural and interracial relationships
are becoming more common,
why is it difficult for Asian men to connect with Western women?
I don't wan to be part of this statistics.
As a PhD in Chemical Engineering, I decided to take actions.
(Laughter)
I did personal experiments,
I did literature research,
I used regression and linear algebra
and I found three reasons.
Number one: introducing myself as a PhD in Chemical Engineering
is the best way to turn off a girl.
(Laughter)
This puts her mind very quickly into the stereotyping.
Stereotyping is the first barrier for me.
Studies done by an online dating site OkCupid
show that racial preference has polarized Asians.
Asian men are nearly always the least preferred by women
from all other races.
Asian women...
They're nearly always the most wanted by men from all races.
So I try to verify this data as I'm an engineer
by joining online dating myself.
(Laughter)
And I got absolutely zero response from Dutch women.
I think I should have photoshopped my picture even more.
(Laughter)
In the popular media, Asians are portrayed as introvert, nerdy,
study-too-much - just not sexy.
But of course,
there are exceptions.
If girls think that I'm nerdy, I play football.
If they think that I cannot dance, I show them the 'Gangnam Style'.
(Laughter)
If they think I do not have social skills,
I come to give a TEDx speech.
(Laughter)
Don't you love stereotypes?
On a few occasions, I clearly stand out from the crowd
as the coolest Chinese in the party.
Everyone can break the stereotypes down
and leave a lasting impression.
The second barrier I face is the cultural differences.
I think I'm pretty good adapting.
I eat Gouda cheese.
I drink Heineken beer.
And I can spend an entire weekend trying to recover from that hangover.
But something deep inside me cannot change easily.
I'm scared of being embarrassed in social activities,
as deeply rooted in my culture, and we call it "saving face".
The more I try to avoid being embarrassed, the less I dare to be bold.
I'm told I lack confidence.
But in fact, my confidence is just not the same
as it is for people here in the West.
Without taking a step to show my confidence,
I'm always a shy person in her eyes.
And it is easier to cross all superficial culture barriers
and then come across as a confident man in a Western woman's mind.
The third barrier I face is a physical barrier.
I'm not talking about 'size matters'.
(Laughter)
I know Dutch women are tall, that's their problem
(Laughter)
but I did not know
that I would have to show my affection physically during dating.
Women won't make a first move on me, typically.
And dating, is like many other skills in your life,
experience is absolutely important.
Studies done by Durex, the condom company,
show that the average age to have the first sexual experience
varies around the world.
In China, it is four to five years later than here in the West and Europe.
And that is a big physical experience gap.
Experience is important.
So, how can I learn the rules of affection?
Try to touch girls next to me at a party?
No! That is called creepy!
(Laughter)
A Finnish girl showed me the best place to practice physical contact.
No, not a bedroom
but a salsa party!
For the first time, to my surprise,
as the Asian guy, I have the advantage.
There seems to be the stereotype; all non-white men can dance.
Even better, usually, non-white men do not include Chinese,
so once a Chinese guy appears on a salsa party,
they don't know where to fit me in their stereotypes.
(Laughter)
What I learned is this:
when the music starts, never hesitate.
I walk up to a lady, extend my hand to invite her,
I don't need to introduce myself, I don't even need to talk.
Now, I get physical contact immediately.
Her height is also less of an issue,
as long as when I stretch my arm, she can still make a turn.
I think if I can solve the dating problem for Asian men,
I can help all men around the world.
(Laughter)
Asian men have the three barriers:
stereotyping, cultural differences and the physical part.
None of those are completely out of my control.
But maybe I increase my chance of success from 0 to 5%.
(Laughter)
I need much more disciplined actions to turn the theory into the reality.
The action starts with the first step: approaching a woman.
Don't think too much about dating theory,
don't complain too much about women's taste,
and don't think too much on this unfair dating world.
If I had done one thing differently, I wish that every time, no matter how,
I would take that step without hesitation,
just like when the salsa music starts.
As a nation, I accept, I would have more rejections,
but this world favors hard-working over good-looking.
You never know if this time, you will succeed.
Maybe I have not collected enough rejections,
when I turned 29 I was still single.
It was time for a break, so I decided to go back to China
where I can increase my chance of success by a hundredfold.
Less stereotyping, no cultural differences and no need to have physical contact.
To my surprise, guess what?
I met a girl who really enjoys salsa dancing with me.
And now she is my wife.
And she is German.
I had to go all the way back to China to find my dream Western girl.
(Laughter)
Beauty can be found in every culture,
but love is harder to find.
If you have that opportunity to make that connection with someone,
at a party, after class, or on a salsa dance floor,
do it, never hesitate.
Just walk up to her and say,
"Would you like to dance?"
Thank you.
(Applause)