"I don't know who you are,
I don't know what you want
but what I do have are very particular set of skills,
skills I have acquired over a very long career.
I will look for you,
I will find you
and I will KILL YOU!"
(intro theme)
Hello, Internet!
Welcome to Game Theory!
Where we analyze cartoon physics,
with a seriousness usually reserved for overworked, mechanical engineering undergrads
Hey, you know a game that I've never talked about in the entirety of this series?
Well, you saw the title and the thumbnail, so probably you do.
It's Mario Kart!
Seriously!
182 episodes of this show, and not once, not once, have I touched on Mario Kart!
Wrap your head around that for a second.
It's a weird oversight for a franchise that I played non-stop when I was growing up.
Granted, I was playing with myself.
Don't take that out of context.
Against the computer, since that's how us single children do.
But man, let me tell you, I got so good at whooping some computer controlled Wario behind.
That star ain't gonna help you catch up to this pedal to the metal Peach, brother!
Pedal to the metal Peach,
YEAH!
Peachy's got it!
I'm still manly.
But now, with the release of Mario Kart 8 Deluxe...
Um, should I say, "Re-release of Mario Kart 8?"
(laughs) No, who am I kidding nobody cared enough about the WiiU to play that thing
Anyway, Mario Kart 8 it's out
it's fun
200cc is brutal
let's theorize
Now at this point you all know how I roll when it comes to Mario theories
I'm constantly on the lookout for the sickest, scariest
most violent, dangerous, and depraved depths
of good ol' Mario "Jumpman" Mario's adventures.
but even I've got to admit, Mario Kart 8 may be the single, most horrific Mario game out there.
and that is saying a lot
for this twisted world of brotherly rivalry,
sociopathic domination of failing father figures.
but I assure you, Internet, that when you do the math
or more accurately when I do the math
you watch it and then critique it from your couches at home
these karts are death machines
no helmets
no seatbelts
all danger
Surprised about that seatbelt thing, by the way?
Yeah! me too
I thought for sure Nintendo would need to add that in to remain child-friendly or something
but no, they're riding strapless the whole time
even in that shameless bit of product placement they got in there
The Mercedes GLA
It's an unlockable kart in the game
it's a car ad
it'd be like if I put a big, honking Mercedes in the video right now
and they paid me for it
and then I didn't properly Photoshop a seat belt over my poorly Photoshopped body
You know, that's really weird
I feel like showing a seat belt has got to be a legal requirement for car ads
I mean, when I Pet-U-Cation
which was the thing that I did with Purina
like a couple years ago
they had requirements where they couldn't show
dogs on bicycles
or dogs doing human things
or dogs without collars
all these individual, very specific requirements that we couldn't do
either legally, or because they're brand didn't want us to
so, here's a little behind the scenes moment that I thought you guys would enjoy
probably the worst looking video
worst sounding video that I will ever take and show you guys
I've been researching this script for the last six hours
on the plane
I wonder if Nintendo and Mercedes are actually
breaking the law by not showing Mario and other characters
wearing a seat belt
in that GLA car that's in Mario Kart 8
So, I've been looking up for
I kid you not
the last thirty to forty-five minutes on
on the airplane Wi-Fi
so you can imagine how fun and exciting that's been
but I finally found the right combination of keywords that worked
"vehicle advertising"
and they say "driving practices"
"or any other breaches of the law"
You have to show proper driving etiquette
so you have to use fog lights
you have to brake--use breaks
indicate changing lanes
and of course
using seatbelts
so what that means
is that yeah
Nintendo and Mercedes actually are breaking the law
with their GLA promotion
in Mario Kart 8
So, not a bad start to things
in our first couple minutes of this theory
we've already proven that the entire game
of Mario Kart 8
is illegal
it is an illegal, sponsored video
Cool!
But what I really want to know is
is it deadly?
and just how deadly is it?
Well, you know, whenever you got to figure out something like that
it means only one thing:
time to call in The Pixel Measurements
thankfully Mario Kart 8 Deluxe runs 60 FPS
which means that our measurements are going to be
twice as accurate as they would have been otherwise
now, in order to get a precise measurement
we're gonna need some objective points of reference
which is actually surprisingly easy
to find in Mario Kart because Mario is in it
and I know what you're gonna say
trust me, I've had my fair share of battles over Mario's height at this point
and Odyssey is
a weird entry in the series
but after the official Nintendo costume of Mario
crashed our GT Live video about 1-2 Switch
and I measured him to be
in real time
at that moment
155cm or five foot eleven inches
No way...
NO WAY
which, just so happens to be also what Nintendo says his canon height is
I am convinced
Good ol' Mario
Five foot eleven inches from here on out
to the end of eternity
serving as a semi-reliable ruler
in Game Theory videos for half a decade
Anyway
knowing that, we can use his height to measure
just about anything we want to
in this world
Say, for instance, the checkers on the starting line
which are all the same size, giving us a finish line that's
138cm wide
from there all we have to do is cross that finish line at top speed
look at how many frames it takes to do it
and then output that into an official speed
which, for regular, ol' Mario on a regular ol' Kart
gets us a regular ol' speed of
35.57 meters/sec
or, more useful,
128 km/hr
Since I'm American imperialist scum
that number means nothing to me
so
let me convert that to miles per hour and
holy balls!
that's almost 80 mph!
I
wow
that's just really fast
like
faster than most highways fast
I mean, jeez, Nintendo
first the seatbelt thing and now this?
kids play this game, you know
You really want to set the example of irresponsibly zipping around a track
launching projectiles at each other
at speeds faster than most highways
with no seatbelt, no helmet
and a vehicle with no sides?
Forget "Mario Kart Double Dash"
It's "Mario Kart Fury Road"
It's "Mario Kart Death Race"
It's "Mario Kart I Have No More Movie References To Put Here"
"Fast and Furious!" "Fast and Furious"
"Mario Kart Fast and Furious"
So my first thought here is: no way
there is no way a go kart could possibly go this fast
but I kept digging, and believe it or not
there are actual karts that can
go up to speeds of up to 200 kph
Or about 124 mph
a hundred and twenty-four miles per hour!
and get this:
they're used for actual kart races!
souped up super-karts blasting around tracks
at over 100 mph
in other words:
Mario Kart is a real sport
Man! where is season two of GameLab when you need it?
"But MattPat"
I hear you saying
"If these guys are going so fast,
"why are you making such a big deal about
"how dangerous Mario Kart is?"
"Last time I checked, I didn't see a Dateline special about the
"horrific deaths of high speed Kart racers"
To which I say to you commenter
"You watch Dateline?!"
"What are you, like, 75?""
Grandma, are you leaving comments down below again?
But to answer your question,
there are actually two big differences
between the Kart Bros and the Mario Bros
First, the track
Rarely are there walls that are right next to the road in these
real life races
usually, there's a long patch of grass
that allows drivers enough time to slow their speeds down enough
So they're not smacking into the walls at top speeds
Also, it's really difficult for them to hit a wall straight-on
which means that the wall is going to absorb just a smaller bit
of that impact force
Oh!
And also, there aren't sentient stone monsters whose sole purpose
in life is to crush you in the middle of your fun-loving death race
so, there's also that
Secondly, the super kart racers are wearing
a ton of protective gear
Helmets have been shown
to reduce the strength of impacts to the skull
by factors of over 1000
and for everything else
there's riding leathers
You thought those outfits
high-speed motorcyclists wear
are just to look cool
and increase their aerodynamic flow?
NOPE!
Those leather body suits can save lives
So, let's get "science-y"
If you take into account the coefficient of friction
which is literally just the ratio of the force of friction between two bodies
In this case: asphalt and your delicate human flesh
The results of high-speed sliding are disgusting
Pull!
For every mile per hour that you're going over 30
Or every 1.6 kilometers per hour that you're going over 48
just slightly above the speeds in most school zones
should you hit the ground and slide to a stop
You're gonna lose one millimeter
of yourself
Since the average thickness of human skin
is 1.3mm, at 31 mph you hit the ground
You're looking at losing most of the skin
that's covering up your delicate inner parts
hitting the ground in our in-game speed of 80 mph
that's 5 cm, 2 inches of your body
ground into the pavement
like some sort of horrific cheese grater
here's a finger to represent it
Edward, go in and show what two inches off a finger will look like
Just ground away
(finger grinding noises)
gross
gross and disgusting
and that's just the top speed of the basic kart
with the most basic Italian plumber driving it
no offense to Mario
but there are a lot faster drivers out there
with a lot better karts
so I went in and ran all the characters through our little speed test here
on a variety of different kart setups
and from our testing
Dry Bowser in a "B-Charger"
with sick wheels, a superglider
and 10 coins
yielded the fastest setup without using any items
Reaching top speeds of up to 180 km/hr
or well over 110 mph
ho-hoooo
now we're talking
so I had myself a little thinky think
and came up with the following thought question
'cause writing this show has gradually warped my mind
into a preverse what-if machine
What if...
we took the fastest speeds in the game
and put the "widdle-bittiest dwivews"
behind the wheel
then got into a crash
who's gonna get into a crash?
Who's gonna get into a crash?
Yeah, you are, baby Peach, Baby Daisy, and baby Rosalina
If there was ever a reason for these babies to wet their diapers
This would be it
you see, I measured them up
and the babies are about 60 cm or 24 inches tall
and at speeds that high
you'd be losing 7cm or 3 inches from your body
In other words, in a crash 1/8 of that child
would be rubbed off on the concrete
like a human eraser
we're no longer talking about just skin
we're talking skin, muscle, bone
and, if you were super unlucky, vital organs
which is what we call a "skin avulsion"
it's like a scraped knee, but on steroids
WHY ARE WE LETTING BABIES
BABIES WITH WAY LESS SKIN THAN THE REST OF US, BY THE WAY
DRIVE THESE THINGS?
Welcome, ladies and gentlemen
to Game Theory
"The only show where gruesome child murder is a regular part of our programming lineup."
Actually, no, you know what? No.
It's not me
It's the games
It's these video games
don't blame the messenger, guys
I just do the horrific math
and bring the horrific gruesome truths of these dark, twisted games
like Mario Kart
to light
and if you think I'm done
well then clearly you haven't looked in that video play bar yet
because I haven't even talked about
head-on collisions
oh boy howdy
the head-on collisions
we've all run into a Mario Kart wall once or twice, right?
but what Nintendo's cutesy animations are covering up
are the horrific consequences of every time you plow into that Moo Moo
in the meadow
Want to know what happens when you run into a wall
head-first at 100 mph?
well, I don't have the budget to show you
well, at least until YouTube gives the channel another show
but, luckily, I know some people who can show you
two of my most manly of crushes
The Mythbusters
took a bunch of cars and plowed 'em into a wall
at 100 mph
because that's what you do
when TV gives you a butt ton of cash
You just blow up stuff
"Are you ready for some more wanton destruction?"
And this is what happened
(crash)
It's half its original size!
and remember
engineers have spent decades perfecting the car to protect the driver
Karts?
They got none of that!
No bumpers, no airbags, no crumple-tech
so, you know, try to avoid hitting those thwomps and pillars
because you are absolutely murdering your driver
every time you do
they're experiencing over 2000 Gs
2000 times the force of Earth's gravity
when you're going from 100 mph to 0 in a split second
And 2000 Gs is more than enough to rip your organs to shreds
and shatter your bones to splinters
You know, I wish
I wish
I did the sound effects for these games
because here's what the game would look like
with my sound direction
no no no no!
(crash) AHHH!
AHHHH!
(crash) OHHH! (crash)
NO
NO! PLEASE!
(glider opening) (grunt)
NOOOOO!
(crash and bones cracking)
(funeral bell)
And what about minor collisions
The little bumps that don't stop you dead in your tracks
In a very literal sense as we just learned
but instead just slow you down a bit
Or running into a different driver
I mean, angles matter
Sometimes you just graze off the side
Well, put your questions to rest
because us here at Theorist Labs
by using a combination of trigonometry, algebra, and ye olde pixel measurements
developed a formula
a real-life, true-to-form formula
kinda like Einstein but a lot less impressive
and a lot less important
using exhaustive collision tests
in-game that'll output your speed reduction experience
depending on the angle that you hit the wall
or other character at
Loyal Theorists,
do you see the depths of nerdy
that we got to for this episode?
if that doesn't deserve a subscribe
I don't know what does
please subscribe
in three
two
and one
So if you take Mario's comparatively modest speed of 80 mph or 128 kph
and barely graze a wall at just a 5 degree angle
he'll still be experiencing a speed reduction of
20 mph
That 32.4 kph
In just a fraction of a second
and drastic changes like that prompt
huge amounts of G forces
he's gonna feel 25 times the force of gravity
working on his body in that instant
it's certainly not enough to be fatal
but he's not gonna be feeling too great
and remember
that is a five degree brushing of the wall
so let's take it to a logical extreme
so let's say you're a baby Daisy
who's traveling at Dry Bowser-like speeds
who irresponsibly downs herself a mushroom
An item which instantaneously
doubles your speed
then all of a sudden
you couldn't make that turn (crash)
because there are never enough straightaways in a Mario Kart game
to effectively use a mushroom in the first place
So you inevitably hit a wall
traveling over 200 mph
Glancing off it at a much more aggressive 30 degrees
well
Baby is gonna have herself a big booboo
We're talking a speed reduction of almost 40%
and a force of over 115 Gs
Consider for a moment that fighter pilots
you know, people whose literal job it is to tolerate high G forces
are trained to withstand a mere nine
Nine Gs
How is a regular adult tolerating this?
Let alone, a newborn baby racer?
And this is all because the walls in Mario Kart don't yield at all
whereas the walls in most race tracks
in the real world
are designed to crumple
absorbing energy
and slowing you down
but oh, no, my friends
not in the happy-go-lucky Mushroom Kingdom
You're basically running into a solid cement wall in Mario Kart
And that thing ain't gonna collapse
you are
Oh yeah, but I forgot, you're not wearing seatbelts
(crash)
So, instead of crumpling up with the rest of the car
you're just gonna fly head-first
into that cement wall (crash)
becoming a decorative red splotch on the side of Royal Raceway
and I know what you're thinking
"All of this
"All of this is ignoring items
"like banana peels, red shells, blue shells, speed boosters
"and literal bombs"
Those all probably deserve an episode on their own
but for now
the true point of today
is that Mario Kart is
without question
one of the single most straight-up violent games that you've ever played
Let that sink in next time you're power-sliding around Rainbow Road
(squishy crash)
consider your childhood ruined
And remember
That's just a theory
A Game Theory!
Thanks for watching
But, seriously, if you're still watching and haven't subscribed yet
well then hit that button you see onscreen
faster than a Baby Peach
dissolving into the side of a Dry Dry Desert wall
(squish)
You've watched this long
so, presumably you're gonna like our other videos too
Or, if you wanna watch more
here's two more about the science of Musroom Kingdom
I especially like the Bullet Bill one
but anyway I gotta go
I'll see see you next week for something equally scary, but a little less scientific.