If parliament were a reality TV show then the whole lot of us I'm afraid
would have been voted out of the jungle by now.
But at least ... [applause]
But at least we could have the consolation of watching the speaker being
forced to eat a kangaroo testicle.
[laughter and applause]
I know that there are some keen students of alleged divisions
in my family on matters of the EU.
But I want you to know conference, that I have kept the ace up my sleeve:
my mother voted leave. [cheers]
Soon we will be sending missions to the heavens; geostationary satellites
which will be, by the way, infrastructure in space will be of huge value to this country.
Now conference, can you think of anyone who could trial the first mission?
[laughter]
Can you think which communist cosmonaut [laughter]
... we should coax into the cockpit?
Let's ... let's ... well there you go. [laughter]
The invitation is there.
It now appears that the SNP may yet try to bundle him towards the throne,
like some Konstantin Chernenko figure,
look it up, reluctantly propelled to office in a Kremlin coup.
Let’s get Brexit done on 31 October, not just because we have
such an immense agenda to take this country forward
but because, of course, Brexit is an opportunity in itself.
We will take back control of our fisheries and
the extraordinary marine wealth of Scotland.
It is one of the many bizarre features of the SNP that
in spite of being called names like Salmond and Sturgeon,
they are committed to handing back control [laughter]
They want to hand back control of those fish to the control of the EU.
Alastair, we want to turbo charge the Scottish fishing sector.
They would allow Brussels to charge for our turbot.
And yes, we will have those free trade deals
We already have some astonishing exports, which I never tire of telling you.
Just in the last few months I have seen an Isle of Wight ship-builder
that exports vast aluminium leisure catamarans to Mexico.
We export Jason Donovan CDs to North Korea, would you believe it
and we exported Nigel Farage breifly to America although
he seems to have come back. [laughter]
We're recruiting 20,000 new police officers.
Thank you Priti and indeed thank you Saj
and that is why we are committed to rolling up the evil county lines drugs gangs.
[applause]
I remember, all you sceptics, I remember it was only a few years ago
when people were saying that solar power would never work
in cloudy old UK and they said
that wind turbines would never pull the skin off a rice pudding,
remember that?
Well there are some days now when wind and solar power are delivering
more than half our energy needs.
I admit, and it's been exposed in the past, I am a bit of a bus nut.
I confess that I like to make and to paint slightly inexact,
very inexact, models of buses, with happy passengers inside.
I'm actually more interested in the passengers than the buses
but never mind.
So let’s get on with sensible, moderate one nation
but tax-cutting Conservative government and figuratively, if not literally,
let us send Jeremy Corbyn into orbit where he belongs.
[applause]
Conference, let’s get Brexit done and let’s bring this country together.
Thank you very much.
[cheers and applause]