I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING-- DO YOU GUYS REMEMBER WHEN DONALD
TRUMP WAS ELECTED PRESIDENT BECAUSE HE SURE DOES.
EARLIER TODAY, DONALD TRUMP ADDRESSED A GROUP OF BUILDERS'
UNIONS, AND TO PROVE HE WAS A BUILDER, HE SPENT
A LOT OF THE SPEECH JUST BUILDING UP HIS EGO.
>> REMEMBER THEY SAID BECAUSE THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE IS VERY,
VERY HARD, THEY SAY ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE FOR A REPUBLICAN
TO WIN.
THE ODDS ARE STACKED, AND THEY WOULD SAY THERE'S NO WAY TO 270.
YOU NEED 270.
THEY'RE SAYING THERE WAS NO WAY TO 270, BUT THERE WAS A WAY
TO 306.
WASN'T THAT AN EXCITING ONE?
YOU KNOW, PLACES THAT NOBODY EXPECTS-- "DONALD TRUMP HAS WON
THE STATE OF MICHIGAN!" THEY GO "WHAT?"
"DONALD TRUMP HAS WON THE STATE OF WISCONSIN."
THEY CAME OUT OF THE BLUE.
AND WE DIDN'T EVEN NEED 'EM!
>> Stephen: "REMEMBER FIVE MONTHS AGO WHEN PEOPLE LIKED
ME?
REMEMBER THAT?
I DIDN'T NEED 'EM.
DON'T NEED 'EM NOW WHICH IS GOOD, BECAUSE NOBODY
LIKE ME NOW.
NOBODY LIKES ME.
I DON'T-- I DON'T--."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND LIKE ALL THE GREATEST
PRESIDENTIAL SPEECHES, TRUMP SPENT HALF OF IT TAKING ROLL
CALL.
>> JUST LOOK AT THE AMAZING TALENT ASSEMBLED HERE.
WE HAVE IRON WORKERS, INSULATORS.
HA-HA, NEVER CHANGES, DOES IT, WITH THE IRON WORKERS.
NOW LET'S HEAR IT, LABORERS.
( APPLAUSE ) PAINTERS.
( APPLAUSE ) FITTERS.
( APPLAUSE ) PLUMBERS.
( APPLAUSE ) OPERATORS!
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: WOW, WHAT A CHEAP
WAY TO GET A RESPONSE FROM A CROWD.
AM I RIGHT, NEW YORK ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THE PANDER EXPRESS.
ALL RIGHT.
RIGHT-HANDERS?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) LEFT-HANDERS?
LEFT-HANDERS?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BLONDES
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BRUNETTES
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( APPLAUSE )
TRUMP VOTERS?
GOOD FOR YOU!
GOOD FOR YOU, SIR!
DON'T YOU CHANGE.
YOU LET YOUR FREAK FLAG FLY.
YOU BE YOU, GIRL!
CAN WE GET A SHOT OF THIS GUY?
A VERY BRAVE MAN RIGHT THERE.
I LOVE YOU.
DON'T WE LOVE THIS GUY!
THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
( LAUGHTER ) BY THE WAY, ALL THOSE JOBS THAT
TRUMP NAMED IN HIS SPEECH?
THEY'VE ALL BEEN GIVEN TO JARED KUSHNER.
ANOTHER STORY GOING AROUND THE NEWS-O-SPHERE IS ABOUT FORMER
NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISER AND PERSON WHO THOUGHT SHE WAS DONE
WITH THIS CRAP, SUSAN RICE.
BECAUSE YOU KNOW HOW ALL THE U.S INTELLIGENCE SOURCES ARE SAYING
THAT THEY INTERCEPTED CONVERSATIONS BETWEEN FOREIGN
OFFICIALS-- FOR INSTANCE, THE RUSSIANS AND MEMBERS OF THE
TRUMP CAMPAIGN?
WELL, "BLOOMBERG" IS REPORTING THAT RICE ASKED FOR THOSE TRUMP
PEOPLE'S NAMES TO BE UNMASKED.
YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?
I HOPE.
BECAUSE NO ONE REALLY KNOWS WHAT THAT MEANS.
THERE ARE DIFFERENT INTERPRETATIONS OF WHAT THAT
MEANS.
REPUBLICANS SAY THIS MEANS THAT TRUMP WAS RIGHT WHEN HE CLAIMED
THAT OBAMA WIRETAPPED HIM.
RAND PAUL TWEETED, "SMOKING GUN FOUND!
OBAMA PAL AND NOTED DISSEMBLER SUSAN RICE SAID TO HAVE BEEN
SPYING ON TRUMP CAMPAIGN."
OOOH, "DISSEMBLER."
( LAUGHTER ) FANCY LANGUAGE, SENATOR.
"I WILL DUEL YOU AT DAWN, YOU CHARLATAN, YOU MOUNTEBANK, YOU
MENDACIOUS FLIM-FLAMMING DISSEMBLER!
BRING A PISTOL AND A THESAURUS."
GOOD DAY!
TAT-TAT.
BUT HERE'S WHAT IT ALSO MEANS: IT MEANS INTELLIGENCE AGENCIES
WERE EAVESDROPPING ON SHADY FOREIGN OFFICIALS AND
INCIDENTALLY PICKED UP CONVERSATIONS THEY HAD WITH
AMERICANS.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO KNOW WHICH AMERICANS?
THE NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISER DID.
SO SHE ASKED TO HAVE THEIR NAMES UNMASKED, AND EXPERTS SAY THAT'S
LIKELY WITHIN THE LAW.
BOOM.
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S JUST MORE OF THE CONSTANT
DRIP, DRIP OF REVELATIONS OF RAMPANT LAW FOLLOWING.
( LAUGHTER ) HERE'S WHAT ELSE IT MEANS: THERE
ARE ONLY TWO REASONS THE NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISER IS
ALLOWED TO UNMASK SOMEONE: BECAUSE THE INTELLIGENCE CAN NOT
BE UNDERSTOOD WITHOUT KNOWING THE IDENTITY OF THE AMERICAN, OR
BECAUSE THEY HAVE "PROBABLE CAUSE THAT CRIMINAL CONDUCT WAS
INVOLVED."
SO TRUMP IS ING AFTER SUSAN RICE BY SAYING, "MY TEAM WASN'T
TALKING TO RUSSIA.
IF THEY WERE, THEN HOW COME SUSAN RICE CAUGHT MY TEAM
TALKING TO THE RUSSIANS?
THERE'S YOUR SCANDAL."
ALL RIGHT?
CONVENE THE TRIBUNAL.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THOSE ARE THE ONLY TWO
POSSIBILITIES.
THAT'S IT.
I THINK TRUMP GOT THE IDEA THAT UNMASKERS ARE THE REAL CRIMINALS
FROM THIS CLASSIC EPISODE OF "SCOOBY-DOO."
>> NOW, LET'S SEE WHO THE RUSSIAN COLLABORATOR REALLY IS.
OOOH!
MICHAEL FLYNN!
>> YOU'RE UNDER ARREST.
>> THAT'S RIGHT.
IT'S OVER, FLYNN.
>> NO, I MEAN YOU'RE UNDER ARREST.
ALL OF YOU.
SHAGGY, SCOOBY, VELMA, THE HOT ONE.
TAKE THEM AWAY!
>> LIKE, THEY'RE THE ONES WHO COMMITTED TREASON.
>> SAVE IT FOR THE JUDGE.
UNMASKING IS A SERIOUS CRIME.
>> BUT I'M TOO PRETTY FOR JAIL.
>> RUH-ROW.
>> THEY ARRESTED EVERYBODY!
WE'VE GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: GOTTA LOVE THE GLOBETROTTERS