Tannoy (OS): Attention, all SHINRA personnel. We are now arriving at Costa Del Sol.
As per a new order by Rufus Shinra, all employees are allowed to bring back one souvenir,
and no, women do not count, you pigs!
It's 0007, guys. Get with the program.
Cloud: So that's what happened; Sephiroth phased through the ground,
flew away, and left a Jenova monster for us to fight.
Red XIII: So, was it--
Red XIII: So, was it-- Cloud: It was not hot.
Red XIII: So, was it-- Cloud: It was not hot. Red XIII: That's subjective.
Tifa: What's your nose tellin' us, Red?
Red XIII: Well, I do detect the faint scent of corpses and tragic backstories.
But, I mean, that could be anyone, right?
Barret (quietly): Yes... anyone...
Aerith: What should we do?
Tifa: There's only one thing we really CAN do. Let's-
Yuffie: COSTA-DEL-CATION!
Tifa: HOLY SH*T!
Yuffie: C'mon, guys!
We need a break!
It's been a long journey for all of us!
Tifa: You JUST showed up!
Yuffie: And already I'm making your lives better!
Tifa: That's subjective...
Cloud: Well, we ARE ahead of Shinra...
I guess there's nothing wrong with taking a break.
Barret: Yes...
Barret: Yes... But how can a man take a break...
Barret: Yes... But how can a man take a break... from his own past?
Yuffie: Man, it's SCORCHING out here!
Right, Tifa?
*gasp*
We should hang out!
Tifa: Oh... You wanna hang out?
Sssure, let's go to the bar.
Yuffie: Aw, I can't go there!
I left my fake ID on the other pair of pants I stole...
Tifa (sarcastic): Oh, that's a shame!
Guess I'll just have to drink for the both of us.
Yuffie: Ugh... Lame!
Just you wait, Tifa!
You and I are gonna hang out,
You and I are gonna hang out, and it's gonna be EPIC, yo!
Yuffie out!
*poof*
Aerith: I wonder where she goes when she does that...?
Yuffie: AAAH-!
[Theme Song]
Lackey: Easy...
Lackey: Easy... Easy...!
Lackey: OHGOD!
Rufus: Yep, looks like my ride is here!
Heidegger: *guffaw*
And what a magnificent ride it is, sir!
Rufus: Let's walk and talk, Heides. I've got places to be.
Now, this may come as a surprise to you...
(it certainly has for me)
...but I must say, you have really come into your own as head of social media!
Heidegger: Oh, I feel so #blessed!
Rufus: *Speaking* of hashtags, do you know what the top trend I found was?
It was:
"#did it not occur to you that instead of live-warking these events...
you could have, oh I don't know...
DONE ANYTHING TO CAPTURE THOSE INTRUDERS ON MY SHIP?!"
Heidegger: Oh, I don' think a hashtag that long would track that well...
Rufus: I will give you a second chance, Heidegger.
But understand that if a fiasco like this happens again
You will lose BOTH your jobs!
Do I make myself clear?
Heidegger: Y-yes, b-bu-
Rufus: DO I.
Rufus: DO I. Make.
Rufus: DO I. Make. Myself.
Rufus: DO I. Make. Myself. Clear?!
Heidegger: Yes, sir.
Rufus: Hmph, very good.
Yeah, I believe that was quite the effective pep talk!
Oh, I certainly hope whatever Heidegger does yields results...
*Heidegger yields results*
Rufus: I believe this whole ordeal has earned me a trip to Gold Saucer!
You know who I *should've* invited?
Private Thunderhead!
Now there's a soldier who blows expectations!
Sailor: Hey guys, I found a bomb-!
*explosion*
Cloud: Woo-hoo! Alright, sports! Ha ha! Yeah, alright!
Hey, Red! *chuckle* Yuffie was right:
we really *did* need to unwind!
Red XIII (sad): Yeah, sounds like everyone's having a good time...
Tifa (OS): Ok, guys! This is a drink I call the "Roundhouse Blitz".
Now, what you're gonna want to do is: take your closest bottle of whiskey
and keep feeding me shots till I say "when"!
Patron: You *will* say "when", right...?
Tifa: Hey, less talking, more pouring!
*cork pop* COSTA-DEL-CATION!
Red XIII: I'm really worried about my bestest friend...
Cloud: Barret has been acting pretty weird since we got here...
I haven't seen him all day!
Barret (Seductive Radio Voice): Mmh, that's right!
Big Daddy Barret comin' atchu LIVE from Love City!
Population:
Population: me and yo fine-ass self, mama!
Cloud: Ah, he's probably having some Barret time.
Red XIII: I remember when we used to have AVALANCHE time...
Maybe the flower girl has seen him!
Cloud: Now that you mention it, I haven't seen Aerith around, either!
Red XIII: Why don't you ask the ninjandit?
Cloud: The... what?
Red XIII: Oh, that's my name for the ninja girl!
It's a co-bo-nation of the words "ninja" and "bandit"!
...Because she's a Materia thief.
Cloud: Yuffie is NOT a Materia thief!
Yuffie: Welcome to Yuffie's Used Materia Shop!
Wanna buy anything? I got a Lightning one with
Wanna buy anything? I got a Lightning one with YOOOOOUR name on it!
Cloud: I'm good.
Why are you selling Materia anyway?
Yuffie: Because I'm BOOOOORED.
And Tifa won't let me in the bar.
Cloud: Why *do* you want to hang out with her, anyway?
Yuffie: Because SHE'S SO COOOLLLLL!!!
We've like got the PERFECT chemistry with each other!
Cloud: You mean the kind of chemistry that makes explosions?
Yuffie: CH'YAHH EXPLOSIONS ROCK!
Cloud: I actually wanted to ask, have you seen Aerith?
Yuffie: Hmmm I did see her on the beach talking to some dude in a lab coat
while I was setting up shop with my *sweet* ninja carpentry skills!
Cloud: A lab coat?
*scoff* What kind of weirdo would wear that to the bea-
Doctor Hojo...
I'm surprised to see you haven't combusted in the sun like a vampire yet
Hojo: Ohh, you'd be surprised what *vampires* can do nowadays.
*creepy Hojo laugh*
Cloud: What the hell are you even doing here, Hojo?
Hojo: Oh? Isn't it obvious?
Ever since I resigned from Shinra, I decided to take a little-
*deep breath*
Vacationnnnn...
I see your friend has the right idea.
Tifa (Drunk): YOU GOD DAMN RIGHT KNOW IT BROOO!
COSTA-DEL-CATIONNN!!!
Bar Patron (OS): *crying* She promised a when, but the when never came!
Cloud: We're not just here on a vacation, Hojo.
We're on a mission to find and take down Sephiroth.
Once and for all.
Hojo: My, my...
Such unnnwavering tenacity! *deep breath*
I just hope you have more confidence in killing Sephiroth
than you do picking up women.
Cloud: What?! I-I-I-I-I I am SO good at picking up ladies!
Sooo... uh...
Do you like...movies?
Vendor: Ay papi~
That's a pretty good giant hunk of metal on a stick you got there~
IT'S CALLED A BUSTER SWORD!
Hojo: So what do you all want?
I was having such a delightful conversation with the Cetra.
Until you all interrupted.
Aerith: He know the same fairytails as my mom!
Hojo: How IS Ifalna doing?
Aerith: That's not my mom's name.
Hojo: Oh~ trust me it IS.
I knew your "real" mother quite- *deep breath*
Intimately~
*Creepy Hojo chuckle*
Cloud: That's enough, Hojo!
Come on, guys! Vacation's over.
Let's start asking around about Sephiroth.
Hojo: Well if it's "information" you want... *deep breath*
I have heard mumblings of a man in a black cape heading towards Gold Saucer.
Just keep going west and I'm sure you'll all find what you're looking.
Right, "Big daddy Barret"~?
Barret: That name is reserved for all
the sweet ass mamas of the world, Hojo! Speaking of which!
How the hell are you sorrounded by all these beautiful ladies!?
Hojo: Well~ I found them on the Shinternet they said they were up for...
EXPERIMENTATION~!
*Creepy Hojo laugh*
Girl: You're still paying us, right?
Hojo: ...
You can leave now.
Cloud: Hey, Aerith. That stuff Hojo said about your mom.
Are you okay?
Aerith: Yeah I'm fine, Tifa on the other hand...
Tifa (Drunk): COSTA-DEL-CATION!!
Guys! I bought shooo much Materia from Yuffie.
I'm gonna be soo powerful~
Yuffie: *Laughs* Oh my god! That hangover is gonna hit you
like a TRUCK!
Tifa (Drunk): Hey hey let's let's talk real quick okay~?
Yuffie I just...I just wanna say that-
I'm soo sorry I knocked you out the first time we met-
Yuffie: Ah, that's alright-
Tifa (Drunk): Even though you TOTALLY deserved it.
And you like.. annoy the f*ckton out of me but like
You remind me a lot like... of ME.
Ya are like a...sister..to...me.
Yuffie: What?
[Tifa slurs her words]
Tifa (Drunk): You know- you know what
[Tifa slurs her words again]
Yuffie: *Gasp of excitement * Really Tifa!? you promise!?
Tifa (Drunk): Yeah! Now let's get drunk at Costa del Sol!
Yuffie: Such a role model!
Red: We're almost there, friends! My nose is telling me
that the quickest way to Gold Saucer is to go through these mountains
that smell like coal.
Red's voice in Barret's mind: Coal... Coal... Coal...
Barret: Hey yall! Peep this idea!
How about instead of doing that,
we go a *completely different* route, huh?
Red: But... my nose says this is-
Barret: I DON'T WANT TO GO THROUGH GODDAMN MT.COREL OKAY!?
*Red cries like a dog*
Cloud: Barret! Stop yelling at Red!
What's gotten into you, man!?
You've been acting weird ever since we've got off the boat!
Barret: I- *sigh* I'm sorry, y'all.
It's just that there are things that I've done here.
That I thought I'd left behind.
But I suppose a man can never truly outrun his past.
I.... just need to know.
If yall are ready to delve with me into the darkness...
That is my soul.
To help me take that plunge.
Are you...
...Prepared?
Cloud: Barret.. I'm prepared for anythi-
I WASN'T PREPARED FOR *THIS*!
Barret (OS): Cloud! Stop being a baby and jump!
Cloud: Alright! One... Two... ThrEEE-
*Cloud hits the ground*
Cloud (OS): Ooooowww...
Barret: Behold, yall... The remnants of my past.
Cloud: Wow, this place is a dump.
Like a train ran through it or something.
Barret: I'm gonna need yall to wait here for a minute.
I need to take care of something.
Red: Well if you need anything, we're right-.
.....here. *Red cries*
Cloud: You alright, Red?
Red: No... I'm worried about him.
Cloud: Aawww... Don't worry about Barret. He can handle himself.
*Barret is punched*
Cloud: Ooh...
Fat miner: Well, sheeeit. You've got some nerve showing your face around here, baby.
Barret: Look. I'm just passing through with my friends, okay? I don't want any trouble.
Miner: Well that's too bad, baby. Because wherever your ass goes, trouble always seems to follow.
Miner 2: Tell you what, baby. We'll let you and those poor suckers you're dragging around pass.
On ONE condition.
We want you to say something.
Barret: A-A-Alright then, I'm sorry.
*Barret gets punched again*
Miner: Ohohoh, baby. You know what we want to hear.
Barret: *Sigh*
Barret: *Sigh* I f**ked up.
Miner: ... Baby, you ain't even worth it.
Cloud: Soooooo.... You gonna tell us what that was all about?
Red: Why where those twins and that fat guy saying such mean things?
Barret: Because I deserve it.
My hometown used to be around here.
Cloud: What do you mean, "used to"-
Barret: I'M CONSTRUCTING A NARRATIVE, CLOUD! SHUT YOUR ASS UP!
[Barret's voice]
Barret (Narrating): It was calm and peaceful...
Until Shinra showed up.
Village Elder: Dyne, baby.
Your ass needs to understand that Shinra buying our coal mines to put up a mako reactor
is the best thing to ever happen to us.
Why the hell are you against it?
Dyne: Because it's the coal, man!
We've been using coal run this town for generations.
Do you know what we are doing to our town if we give all that away to these snakes from Shinra?
Barret: Golly gosh, Dyne!
I think having a mako reactor would be a peachy keen swell idea!
Scarlett: Your incredibly rugged and attractive friend is right, Dyne.
Having a mako reactor will finally drag your town out of
the dark, grimy, lung cancerous coal mines of the past and into the bright, glistening future of mako energy!
Doesn't that just get you.. excited, Mr. Wallace~?
Barret: Oh my! Well, ma'am, Mister Wallace was my father's name.
And I don't think my dying wife would aprove of your advances towards me.
Scarlett: Oh, darling... Like marriage has ever stopped anyone from cheating before.
Dyne: But- But the coal, man!
Scarlett: Dyne, darling, please. You have my word.
With Shinra on your side, your lives can only get better.
All I'm asking from the both of you is to simply...
Give us a hand...
Dyne: But... Coal, man...
Barret: After that, the reactor was built within the week. And everyone was happy.
Cloud: So how long did that last?
Yours too, huh?
Barret: The reactor exploded. Shinra blamed the people of Corel so in retaliation, they...
They burned everything to the ground.
Dyne and I were out of town while it happened.
That was four years ago... I lost everything.
Tifa: Barret I... I had no idea. But hey.
At least you still have your daughter, Marlene, right?
Barret (dispondant): My... My... da... dau-
Cloud: Daughter Marlene! Gotcha.
Come on, guys. Sephiroth's waiting.
Barret (somber): Yeah... Let's just head up to the happiest goddamn place on the planet.
Tifa: Wow... I never knew.
Red, did you know about this?
Red: No, boob girl. I never knew.
My bestest friend... has another bestester friend...
Tifa: Look, guys. I think the best thing right now is to just give him some space and not annoy hi-
Yuffie (to the tune of the gold saucer theme): ♪♪We're all going to the Gold Saucer, we are going, we are going to the Gold Saucer!
We're all going to the Gold Saucer, we are going
♪♪We're all going to the Gold Saucer, we are going Tifa (angry): I'm going to f*cking kill her...
to the Gold Sauceeeeeeer~♪♪
[Yuffie "sings" over the credits song]
[Yuffie "sings" over the credits song] (Kinda impressive how her VA did this in one breath)