Conversations, interviews, communication, a lot of that is driven by questions.
How can we ask better questions in our communications?
So a really powerful communication skill has to do with asking good questions and I think
to get started on this, it's important to go back to focus for just a minute.
Remember where you put your focus is going to determine and guide and direct and steer
how you're going to show up with people.
In an interview for example or in any situation where a question would be a helpful communication
tool.
So refrain back to this video that you can link to right up here.
The influence quadrant, do you remember that conversation we had about that?
Here's a quick little visual reminder of the influence quadrant where we can be focused
in any of these four areas on how we feel about ourselves and how other people feel
about us and how we feel about other people or the green influence quadrant where we focus
on how other people feel about themselves and that's where we can have powerful impact
when you're asking questions.
This can apply in a lot of different ways too.
For example, a job interview where you get to ask questions, a podcast interview where
you're featuring someone on your show and you want to ask them questions, how about
in a family, in a marriage or between parents and kids, these are all places where effective
questions can go a long way toward improving the relationship or the outcomes that you
are looking for.
So focusing on your focus, does that sound like double talk?
We need to be aware of cognisant of where our focus is and then choose an area of focus
that's actually going to support what we're trying to accomplish.
As you get to the end of that green influence quadrant, people will be willing to open up
to you, people will feel more safe in that interaction with you and you're going to get
better answers to your questions too.
So the next thing we get to talk about in terms of questioning is being really clear
about the difference between questions and statements disguised as questions.Notice that
sometimes when questions show up, it's not really a question, it's a statement disguised
as question.
One example that comes up goes back to some of the things we talk about regarding gratitude.
What if you're trying to find something you're grateful for about something that is challenging
and the question comes up in your mind, what can I possible be grateful for about this!
Hear the exclamation point?
It's not really a question.
Watch your punctuation, turn it back into a question mark and then ask it again.
What could I possibly be grateful for about this?
See when we turn back into a question, it actually gives us the opportunity to steer
our brain in a whole different direction.
Some questions are actually accusations or declarations, they're not really questions.
So be sensitive to that.
Here's another example, especially in an interpersonal relationship, the question why.
Especially when it's followed by, "Did you do that?"
Why, why did you do that?
Why would you do something like that?
Is it a questions?
No, it's an accusation disguised as a question.
It's not even a very good disguise.
How are people going to react to that kind of a question when it's actually an accusation?
They're going to react with defensiveness so be aware of what is the question and what
is actually a statement or an accusation disguised as a question.
Here's a quick example of how this could play out in a relationship for example.
I had a couple here in my office.
He is a cab driver, public transportation, okay, well, private transportation.
She found out that he had taken the phone number of a young woman who had hired him
in his cab one day.
He took her phone number, okay.
She's coming unglued about that and she comes at him with a question or is it?
You see how it feels to you..
Why would you do that?!
Why would you take that young woman's number in your cab?
How do you think he's responding this time?
Defensively, oh yeah.
Because he is being accused, isn't he?
So comes back with, "Well, I was just.. and it wasn't what you think.. and it was.."
Okay, so he's coming up with all of this defensiveness.
Why is he being defensive?
Because he's not being questioned, he's being accused.
See the difference?
I called it timeout right there, I was just, "Hold it everybody, just stop for a minute."
What if I gave you two options?
What if I had two buckets here in the office and you have to put it in one bucket or the
other.
Either it's a good idea or not so good an idea, okay.
And then I asked him, "Taking a young woman's phone number on your cab, good idea or not
so good idea?
Which bucket would you put it in?"
He's like, "Bad idea."
She's surprise, she's like, "Really?"
Yeah.
Her question wasn't a question, it put him in a defensive position and he's trying to
defend something he doesn't even think was a good idea.
Isn't that interesting?
But we're put each other in this position all the time based on how we ask our questions
so make sure you know if it's a question or a statement or an accusation disguised as
a question.
Okay, now another little tip that's going to help with the questioning and this is a
powerful, very basic principle in understanding a difference between an open question or a
closed question.
Open-ended questions are those that actually open up the conversation.
A closed question leads to a dead end, usually a yes or a no answer.
So let's use an example here with maybe a parenting example, okay, let's say that your
teenager comes home from school.
Okay, comes in through the door, puts the books down, grabs a snack out of the fridge
and you come up to your teenager and you say, "So did you have a good day at school?"
Now, not a bad question, closed question because it can be answered with a yes or a no or some
variety of those but it leads to a dead end, doesn't open them up.
So "Yeah it was fine."
Okay and that's it.
Sometimes it's how you get out of a teenager anyway.
What if we were to open it up?
Now, open ended questions, I've got a couple of examples here that I've wanted to share
with you.
Here we go.
How do you like this..
Tell me about.. whatever, okay.
So instead of saying, "Hey, did you have a good day at school today?"
You say to your son or daughter, "Hey, tell me about school today."
You see how that opens it up, there's a lot of places we can go with that.
How about this one, "Help me to understand.."
Okay, and this could take the place of any why question.
Why did you do that?
Help me to understand what was happening yesterday with the car?
Okay, instead of, "Why did you did you get a parking ticket or a.."
Help me to understand yesterday what was happening.
You see, that opens it up.
Help me to understand.
Here's another one, similar to the previous one..
"Walk me through this.."
Okay, if you're not understanding something here, if you want to get more information,
walk me through that.
So tell me more about, help me to understand, walk me through.
You know, notice something, these aren't questions either, these are invitations and it opens
it up for people to actually take a turn and respond and add some content, especially in
the context of podcast.
You know I do a lot of podcasting and as I interview people for my podcast, I get so
much more mileage out of those kinds of invitations, they're not even really questions, invitations.
"Tell me about.."
"Walk me through.."
"Help me to understand.."
That tends to open people up and give them the permission to actually share some valuable
information rather than closing it down and saying, yes or no, something simple like that.
Here's another example, you can use this in business, in family, wherever it fits..
Do you understand?
Okay, open or close?
Oh yeah, that closes it down.
They can say yes, they can say no, they can say I don't know but it closes it down.
What do you understand about what we just discussed?
What is your understanding of whatever the topic is.
See, those are the questions that are going to open it up a little bit more.
Have a lot more fun with that.
So what is there to like about Live On Purpose TV?
It's really a question, not a statement disguised as a question.
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