(audience cheering)
Thank you for being here.
It's good to be here, Conan.
I love Tom Selleck! Good to have you here.
(crowd screaming)
Hey. You settle down, fellas.
Now there's so much to talk about. You're busy.
You're doing all these different projects.
Yeah. I got a couple of them.
So much people want to know about, but first,
I understand you actually, I hope you're feeling well.
You had a hernia just before you filmed "Ike,"
is that right?
Well, yeah.
As if playing Eisenhower wasn't wasn't hard enough,
I got a hernia about three weeks
before the movie was to start.
Right, were you lifting something-
I had to have emergency surgery, but, well, actually,
that's actually the reason we officially told
so the tabloids didn't get onto the real reason.
What's the real reason you went to the hospital?
Penis reduction.
(audience laughing) (women whoop)
Well, I mean, you get-
Brother, I know what you're talking about.
(audience laughs)
Yeah, I mean you get-
Been there, done that. (audience laughs)
Hey, yeah, you get to a certain age
and you realize enough's enough, so, I mean.
(audience laughs)
(Conan laughs)
Well, that I don't know about.
(Tom laughs)
Were you in the hospital a long time?
No, it was kinda neat.
I had this walk-in surgery. It was hernia surgery.
Right, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
That's okay.
(chuckles) It really was.
Yeah.
And you just walk in and they give you these drugs
to relax you, you know.
Right.
And they're the kinds of drugs where they say,
"Tom, we're gonna cut off all your arms and legs,"
and you go, "Okay, that'd be great.
Whatever you say," you know?
I've had that before.
Yeah. (chuckles)
Not in the hospital.
(audience laughs)
But no, literally, you're just, you're like,
seeing mansy the pansy running around in the background.
Yeah.
And then you get wheeled in
and it's kinda like one of those movies
and they gave you a drug so you don't have a memory either,
So you don't have trauma, you know?
And I don't know what happened,
but I think I had a compelling need to entertain the staff,
'cause I was slightly awake during the surgery,
'cause they looked at me much differently when I came out.
I think-
Maybe it was penis reduction surgery.
(Tom laughs) (audience laughs)
You should check on that.
You're like, "Ha ha, no, what have I done?"
I got a scar, but I'm not gonna show you.
From the hernia.
Right, right, right. We don't wanna see that.
No one wants to see that.
No.
You know, I've had a, you know,
you're here promoting "Ike,"
I've had an Eisenhower mug on my desk
for almost 11 years doing this show, right here.
And I thought tonight, in honor of you doing the show...
There it is right there.
We'd switch it over to a Tom Selleck playing Eisenhower mug.
And this is historic.
(Tom laughs)
We've never actually done this before.
(audience cheers)
There it is right there.
(audience cheers)
Isn't that nice?
This is a great honor.
And you're gonna put pencils
and all sorts of stuff in there.
We're gonna have, yeah, that's gonna stay there.
And those are available in the NBC store for $900.
(audience laughs) Yeah, excellent,
that's really nice.
Stop by, 'cause they don't sell crap down there.
That'll move. That'll really go.
You know, I was gonna say, you don't...
I was looking at "Ike" today
and you give a great performance.
You really don't look like Tom Selleck in this movie.
You've changed your physical appearance more than...
There we have a picture right there.
You really change the hair.
You also have, you shaved a lot of your hair to play Ike.
Well, I was bald and gray,
and we shot it in Auckland, New Zealand, you know?
And I had a cool uniform as you saw
when I was going to the set.
And we were, we had to drive from the dressing rooms
down to the thing, and we were in a student area,
and there was this lovely Asian,
and "Magnum" was big in Asia,
Asian exchange student sitting at a bus stop.
And I don't know what got into me,
but I just suddenly yelled out the window, "Hi, I'm Magnum."
(crowd laughs) (Conan laughs)
That's the saddest thing I've ever-
I know.
(crowd laughs)
It's really pathetic. "Hey, I'm Magnum!"
And I didn't really get the reaction
that I thought I would.
She kind of went, "Ah!" and cowered in fear,
like I was an ax murderer.
So I didn't do that anymore.
Yeah, you don't wanna go running around
dressed as an old man, yelling "Hi, I'm Magnum,"
to Asian school girls.
(audience laughs)
That's the part that's not so good.
It was bad judgment, you know, that happens sometimes,
but that's a real story, unlike the penis reduction story.
Stop, you're so defensive about that.
Well.
I'm sure you didn't have a penis reduction.
Thank you.
I'm sure you didn't.
(audience laughs)
I hope that rumor gets out there.
(Tom chuckles)
You know, I wanted to ask you about something.
I can't wait.
That would be great. You are...
The tabloids will see this and they'll write it.
They're allowed to. They're good people.
They can write any of it.
As long as they promote the show, I don't care.
(audience laughs)
I don't care what happens to my guests,
as long they mention, "On an appearance
on 'Late Night with Conan O'Brien.'"
I understand.
"Tom Selleck talked about his small penis."
Now, listen- (audience laughs)
It was- (Conan laughs)
Now it is.
It was that memory drive-
That did it, yeah. It came to me then.
Now, I wanted to mention something to you.
You are here on the show promoting two projects.
I am, yeah. Okay.
And on one of the projects, you don't have a mustache,
and in one of the projects, you do have a mustache.
Let's see that right there. (audience chuckles)
Okay, these are the two projects
that you're promoting right now.
One is "Reversible Errors," the other, "Ike,"
and yet, you have a mustache right now,
which I think is confusing to the viewer.
And I thought what we could do
is make things a little simpler and compromise
to promote both projects.
Would you be willing to shave off half your mustache?
(audience chuckles)
Well, I could just explain it.
(woman whoops)
I think it'd be better if he shaved half his mustache off.
(audience cheers)
Okay. It's a good idea.
I think it'll work. Yeah, this is gonna,
this is just good to help promote both projects
at the same time.
(razor buzzing)
(audience gasps) (audience cheers)
(audience laughs)
Very nice. Very nice.
Ah, how good are these clippers we bought, by the way?
(audience laughs)
They're not very good. They pull a little bit, but-
Yeah, that's the same guy who got the box
for the hope floats.
(audience laughs)
This is a great idea though.
Yeah, I think this is gonna help you promote both
at the same time.
When I thought of this,
I never thought it would take this long.
(audience laughs)
Nor did I.
Okay, I think that's close enough.
I think that's good.
All right, now- (audience cheers)
Let's...
You know, you can sell those hairs on eBay.
That's right. We're saving those hairs and selling them.
Thank you.
It's time to promote "Ike" the film.
All right.
Be sure and watch (Conan laughs)
"Ike: Countdown to D-Day" on A&E May 31st.
That's Memorial Day. Be sure and watch.
Okay, very nice. (audience cheers)
Now it's time to promote,
promote your project with the mustache, "Reversible Errors."
Be sure to watch "Reversible Errors,"
(Conan laughs) (audience laughs)
the CBS...
(Tom laughs)
(audience cheers)
I'm so sorry. I'm sorry.
The CBS miniseries, May 23rd and 25th, starting Sunday,
continuing on Tuesday on CBS.
Very nice. That was tremendous.
(audience applauds)
Or, watch both.
(audience laughs)
Yeah, (indistinct).
(audience applauds)
How about those clippers?
Yeah, that was nice.
So what do you wanna talk about now?
I don't know.
I need a band-aid. (Conan laughs)
Please, can you please just wear it like that for a day?
Yeah. And walk around town?
I got shows to promote. This is great.
People are think you're gonna have lost your mind.
(audience laughs) Yeah.
"Here comes Tom Selleck.
I think something's very wrong with him.
(Tom chuckles)
Oh hi Tom, how are you?"
Yeah, well, it's easy for you to say.
Oh my God.
(crowd boos)
What did I say?
I don't know.
You never know-
So what else is going on?
Yeah, well, I'm gonna promote them both now,
the proper way. Oh, excellent.
Scott Turow's "Reversible Errors"
airs Sunday and Tuesday night at 9 on CBS
and "Ike: Countdown to D-Day" airs May 31st,
Memorial Day at 8 on A&E.
It's great to be here, Conan.
You know what?
You're such a good sport. (audience cheers)
You're always fun to have on the show.
Thank you.
Tom Selleck! (audience applauds)