- So,
I got invited
to the, ooh, hang on, let me do that again.
Well, you get to see the behind the scenes making of this.
Watch this, go right back to my starting thing.
You ready?
Watch this, okay, I got invited, fuck (laughs)
(audience laughing)
(Patton laughing) (audience applauding)
Holy shit.
No, I did get invited to the premiere
of the Han Solo "Star Wars" movie.
I got invited. (audience applauding)
And not only did I get invited, at the premiere
on Hollywood Boulevard,
they built
a full-scale
Millennium Falcon.
Yeah, you could go inside, walk around,
get your picture taken sitting in the cockpit, holy shit,
(audience laughing)
and I got invited, me,
and I couldn't go.
- [Audience] Aww.
- Because it was the same night
as my daughter's second grade art show.
- [Audience] Ooh.
(audience applauding)
- And as if to add insult to injury,
her art project
was the shittiest robot I've ever
(audience laughing) seen.
It looked like a silver scrotum with a box on top
(audience laughing)
and the expression on the face,
I swear to God was like, yeah, sucks, I know, that's yeah.
(audience laughing)
I don't know what to tell you.
You're two miles away from the Millennium Falcon.
You gotta look at me, yeah.
Yeah, life blows, what are you gonna do?
(audience laughing)
You know what I did?
I did Academy Award-level acting that night.
I was like, sweetie, this is, this is amazing.
You made this.
Oh my God.
Is he gonna get up and walk,
and this looks like a real robot, did you make a real robot?
Sweetie, wow,
this is, aw, you're a genius.
You really are, you blow me away, sweetie.
You really do, you blow me away, yeah.
(audience laughing)
I know, I know.
If you went back
to the summer of 1977,
walked up to eight-year-old me,
just came out of "Star Wars," mind blown,
and you were like, Patton, someday,
they're gonna make a movie just about Han Solo
and you're gonna be invited to the premiere,
and at the premiere,
there's gonna be a full-size Millennium Falcon.
You'll be able to walk around inside of it,
sit in the cockpit, get your picture taken,
but you're not gonna be able to go,
(audience laughing)
'cause you'll have to go
to your daughter's second grade art show.
I know for a fact
that I woulda said
I get to fuck a lady someday,
like I would have been so cool.
(audience applauding) Yeah, great.
- All right, I gotta tell you a story right now.
To tell this story,
I have to start off by saying that I'm lactose intolerant.
That means
that I will not
tolerate lactose.
(audience laughing)
If I ate lactose,
40 minutes later,
and you can set your fuckin' watch by it.
I will shit myself.
(audience laughing)
That sounds like more than just intolerance, doesn't it?
I shit myself.
(audience laughing)
Like thinking about it right now,
and I see you're all in groups, right?
So you probably got groups of three, four friends
that you're all hanging out with,
and then you have your periphery groups,
like some cunt in your group
has brought some friends from work, right?
And there's always one cunt in that fuckin' group
where you, like, you turn to one of your good friends,
you go, can't tolerate that guy, can't tolerate him,
but it's not like if he comes near ya,
(audience laughing)
you shit yourself.
(audience laughing)
So my two biggest nemesises,
nemesi,
the two things that I'm not good with,
are ice cream and cheese.
Now here's the tragedy that is my life.
Ice cream and cheese
are also my two favorite things.
(audience laughing)
See, I wasn't always lactose intolerant.
No, it happened to me at 35, I'm 42 now.
It happened on my 35th birthday.
I was sitting down, having me Baskin-Robbins ice cream cake
as I always request, I'm hoeing into it,
and then God looked at me and went,
how's all those atheist jokes going, cunt?
(audience laughing and applauding)
So now, I can't eat ice cream and cheese, right,
but here's the thing,
I still eat ice cream and cheese.
With the full knowledge that I gonna shit me self,
I still fuckin' do it, right.
Actually, what I do is if I have a heavy meal,
I eat a scoop of ice cream afterwards
'cause then I know I'll shit everything out.
(audience laughing)
I'm a genius, you see, that's the Jefferies diet.
You can fuckin' take that home with ya.
So I still eat ice cream and cheese,
but I don't eat 'em out in the wild.
You'll never see me on a boardwalk with an ice cream cone.
No, no, no, I eat 'em at home
amongst people who love me and respect me,
where I know where the toilet is.
I know how much toilet paper we got.
I'm ready to fuckin' go.
So, although
I am
intolerant
of lactose,
I still, you could argue, tolerate it,
in the same way that my dad
doesn't hate gay people.
(audience laughing)
He's just intolerant of them.
- They have the food out
and they're still doing the setup,
so you can get involved.
You go, no, you carry on.
Don't worry about me.
You look at their table.
You go, guacamole looks good .
I'm gonna give it a go, just gonna try it for her.
Give her some valuable feedback if she needs it.
So you grab a chip.
Now, you're not a fool.
You know to go and slow, right (laughs).
You've been around food before (laughs).
(audience laughing)
Don't worry.
When that chip breaks,
(audience laughing)
you're so disappointed in yourself.
You're like, how am I this age,
and I can't nail a snack?
(audience laughing)
'Cause now you know you're in deep shit.
You better get that chip out before she comes out.
Don't wanna fuck up the table before anyone else gets there.
You're gonna take another chip,
but you're gonna take a strong one, you know,
(audience laughing)
no, 'cause you know the ones that are curved
the curved ones on the inside,
they're structurally stronger than the others.
(audience laughing)
So you take that curve, also, pro tip,
they always have more flavor
'cause they just sort of, anyway.
(audience laughing)
So you take that chip,
now, you know you're not a fool.
You're gonna go low and slow.
You're gonna go low and slow,
and you wanna slowly curve it around the original chip.
Just make a little, you don't wanna go too close
'cause then it could structurally damage
the, so you just wanna go slight,
when that second chip breaks,
(audience laughing)
you question every decision you've ever made as an adult.
I should probably not be alone.
(audience laughing)
'Cause now you know you better get that out
before she comes out.
You've got two chips in there.
You're not gonna take another chip, you're not an idiot.
You're gonna learn from your mistakes here.
You don't want her to come out to two half-dead chips
in the guacamole with a fuckin' moat around it.
(audience laughing)
When you're second knuckle-in, she comes out and busts you.
(audience laughing)
Like you're at your high school dance
and you just lock eyes with each other.
(audience laughing)
(Urzila laughing)
I love that slow realization.
(audience laughing)
Ooh.
(audience laughing)
(Urzila laughing)
My hand's still in the guacamole.
(audience laughing)
She walks out, she locks eyes with you.
She looks at you, you look at her.
She knows your hand's in the guacamole.
You know your hand's in the guacamole.
You just look at each other,
'cause you don't know at what point,
should you pull your hand out.
(audience laughing)
There's no time like the present, so you just pull it out.
Now the bigger conundrum, do you flick it or lick it?
(audience laughing)