My first car was a boat. Okay, not like an actual boat, just one of those huge olds-mobiles from the 80s that might as
well have been straight from an episode of Spongebob. I bought it for practically nothing from my neighbor, Bill,
who wanted to see it go to a good home.
It used to be his mom's car and she basically only ever drove to the grocery
store, so it was in great condition and it meant a lot to him. He's a really nice guy. Actually, EMBARRASSING MOMENT SIDE TANGENT!!!
(Epic Trumpet)
One day after school i pulled into
my garage and took a couple minutes to look at something on my phone before I got out of the car. Bill came over to
talk, to me about something, but I didn't see him and I ended up looking at my phone for a long
time. But he had already walked into the garage to talk to me, and I don't think he expected
me to just sit there for so long.
Anyway, I eventually looked up to open the door locked eyes with him and screamed like a little girl. {yikes}
Okay, so my car was in good condition but it was made in 1984! It could have kids, by now!
They'd probably only be power wheels but still, most kids at my school
had way nicer cars. I mean this was a public school, so it's not like, they, had lambos but they might as
well have. It was a running joke with
my friends that my car didn't have horsepower... it had hamster power.
Some cars have enough horses that if you floor it you'll get thrown
back so hard your hair changes color, but when I floored it my, hair stayed the same. The
weird thing is, when you put it into park it kind of lurched forward like it was ready to go.
Where was that enthusiasm ten minutes ago?? I don't really care
about cars though, so I was never embarrassed or anything. I loved that car, and how could I not? It was my first.
When I got it, our garage had lots of boxes and stuff. So we kept my car in the driveway for the whole neighborhood to
see. That's how not embarrassed I was :3. One night I was sitting in my room and I got the sudden urge to do...SOMETHING.
Anything! I just needed to get out of the house. My mom was already asleep, but
that just meant an opportunity to practice "The Art Of Doing Things You're Not Supposed To" (trademark).
I texted my friend Ryan to see if he wanted to be my partner in crime for the night.
While I wait for him to text back, did you know
that my brother's name is Ryan too? Crazy! . Also he and his kids watch my videos, BUT.
(And I've got the evidence right here). One of them watches Logan Paul
Sorry, Connor, looks like I can only shout out
Jace. Oh, I didn't send it... So my friend texted me back and was totally down to hang out! I climbed out of my window
and snuck around the house to my car.
But here's the problem: if I shut the car door or start the engine in the driveway, the sound will wake everybody up!! To get
away with this (plan music starts playing), I needed to get the car down the street as quietly as possible.
(some random scheme music)
(some more random scheme music)
(squikky squikky squeaks)
I picked him up and parked at the library between the river and Fedex on Capitol Boulevard in downtown, Boise Idaho. You know
the one. We walked around for a bit, and you won't believe who we ran into...!
...Nobody. Cities are surprisingly
boring at night. And it was kind of cold so we went back to the car. I turned right onto Capitol from the library
parking lot, when suddenly a cop car flew across the bridge and blocked me! How did he know I was sneaking out??
Okay, I put the car into park...
(cop) - "PUT YO HANDS IN THE AIR"
I know it was only one cop, but I might as
well have had five stars in GTA with a helicopter and everything. The cop came over to my window
and asked if i knew why he pulled us over. I actually had no idea, so he helped me out with
a little pop quiz. "Which way does Capital go?" (alligator from peter pan or somethin)
DING!
Capital boulevard is a one way. CAPITAL BOULEVARD IS A ONE WAY. While the cop was on the phone tattling to my mom, Ryan
goes: "Can I put my hands down yet?" *slappy* Do you want to die?? The cop
was actually pretty nice, and he let us leave with just a warning.
(sarcastic western guitar music) That's when we decided to go on the run. We escaped into the night never to be seen again...
Just kidding. Ryan actually didn't get into trouble because the cop
didn't call HIS mom, so when we got back to my street I made him get out
and walk the mile and a half back to his place. It seemed fair.
(Purposefully long pause and spoopy music)
"Hello, Timothy..." Oh, hey mom. "What were you doing out so late, Timothy?" Uhh, you know...
"You're
in big trouble Timothy." Honestly I'm not sure where this is going I just wanted to use that voice... :D My mom actually
wasn't too mad, but the next day when I got home from school the garage
was completely cleaned out. *POOF* It finally had enough room for my car, which meant no more late night adventures. And remember how
I thought I didn't send that text to Ryan about sneaking out? I actually
did send it... to my BROTHER Ryan. And of course he told my mom, which means I would have gotten caught
no matter what. The universe is a vast and cruel mistress... Fast forward a couple years and I got myself a bonafied
JAY OH BEE. I don't know why I said it like that, but I was moving to Montana.
...Which might explain it. My mom was worried about her little baby
boy living on his own for the first time, so she bought me ALL OF THE THINGS.
POTS,
PANS,
TOWLES, the whole nine. I wanted to wait until I got there to buy stuff as I needed it, but she didn't listen. So I
blame her for what happened next. Also thanks for the stuff mom. We loaded up my precious oldsmobile with all of my
new heavy things and ventured north. (trippyness)
(Definitely not Bill Wurtz) Oh hey, pro tip: don't move in the winter. We hit a terrible blizzard.
And the old mobile just couldn't handle it. It was so overworked
from pushing through the snow and carrying all that heavy stuff that the engine seized up entirely, and we had to junk the whole
car just two hours from my new apartment.
When my mom told our neighbor Bill that his mom's old car
had broken down, Bill said
that his mom was actually from Montana, so it was kind of like it had gone back to be with her
Which I thought was really sweet. Also, did you notice how the
Boise library sign has an exclamation point? It actually has that in real life, because we love BOOKS!!!! (calm down Boise)