I feel like when you're an actor or an actress,
and you perform in a horror thing,
nobody gives you awards and no one takes it seriously.
Why is that?
Because people are (bleep) haters.
Neve Campbell should have an Oscar for Scream,
and everybody can lick my ass.
Hi, it's me Trixie Mattel.
And I'm Katya.
And we are two queens who like to watch.
And today, we are watching The Haunting of Bly Manor.
- Ooh! - Oooh!
There's evil afoot!
As always, folks. Spoilers, listen.
I would like to meet the person
who watches this show and goes,
"Well that's ruined."
And then they just lie face down on the floor
for the rest of the day.
Yes.
This is sort of a continuation
in the same universe as Haunting of Hill House<.
And that show, was probably the scariest show I've seen.
- Let's see what the T is. - Yeah.
Oh!
I feel like I'm looking at your Tinder.
"Before the makeup comes off,
after the makeup comes off."
"And there are two queens who like to watch."
Now, I wouldn't normally participate
in that kind of chicanery, but...
I have one too.
It's not like, totally accurate but...
Oh my God.
Before the Crest Whitestrips.
We actually refused to stay here.
She refused.
You ever notice it's only mansions that are haunted?
Big, fancy, rich people houses.
- I know. - People who have the time
- to worry about hauntings. - Hello.
Me, a trailer park in rural Wisconsin,
my mom would've been like,
"Ghosts, can they pay rent?"
"Can they help out with the utilities?"
Yeah.
I love a good ghost story.
We honeymooned in Ireland.
They kept telling us to look out for Shamus, the stable boy.
I have a story.
She said, "Guess what (bleep)."
She's like...
"Y'all wanna play?
We can play."
And it's not exactly short.
Well, it seems we have time enough
and wine enough. Why not?
That would never happen, by the way.
If someone's like, "I have a story, but it's long."
- Nobody would encourage it. - "What, oh, bye!"
- Yeah, you're like, "Oh, it's long? - Yeah, I'd be like, "Oh my god,
- see ya." - I gotta go."
Again, this story isn't mine.
"My uncle fell off a cliff
and was killed in a stampede.
His name was Mufasa."
Who's this whore?
The teacher was, by choice, a solitary young woman.
Come up to London in trepidation
to answer in-person an advertisement.
"An advertisement."
Is that Val Garland from Glow Up talking?
- Ooh! - Okay.
Ooh!
Already don't go, right?
I mean, c'mon. Like, that was scary.
Hang it up.
By the way, there's a ghost
in the back of that car riding by going,
"Why did that (bleep) look at me like that?"
"What the (bleep) is her problem?"
That was scary.
It's fun to be scared.
- Hi there. - Ms. Clayton, is it?
- Oh, call me Dani. - Please have a seat.
- Gorgeous, she's so pretty. - She's beautiful.
You're a teacher?
- Fourth grade. - In the States?
They know about our education system.
"You were a teacher?"
"Yeah in the States, whore."
- "In the States, so..." - "Calm down."
"Can you read?"
Tea, coffee?
No thank you.
That's the little boy from ET (bleep). That's Elliot.
"Elliot." Girl.
I'm used to it comin' in a pitcher,
full o' ice cubes, and lemon wedges.
Oh, Southern girl.
"I'm used to ma and pa stickin' me
straight in the eye with a pitchfork."
"We don't have no doctors,
we just look up at the moon."
Miles, my nephew, is back home from
boarding school early.
"Cause he murdered someone."
One of my more unique assignments at my school, was-
He doesn't care.
He said, "Whore, I don't even care about these kids
I'm related to, why do I care about your life story?"
What makes a woman want to give up her life
to take care of someone else's children?
"Whenever I hit my kids, the state gets mad."
"I need full-time, foreign baby models."
"I run an Etsy where I do kids clothing,
and this would be perfect."
Seems odd to me too.
But I saw your ad six months ago,
when I first arrived in London
and I've seen it every month since.
She said,
"If you want to read, let's get it together before we read."
She said, "Hold on a second."
"Let me wet my throat."
"Let me stay hydrated before I (bleep) tear you apart."
So I suppose you're right.
What is the catch?
She threw the shade right back at him
and then pursed her lips.
"How come nobody wants to take care of them,
you ugly (bleep)?"
- "You're hired." - "You're hired."
I actually was haunted at a hotel in Ireland, Dublin.
Is that the time you tried to (bleep) the ghost?
No, no, no, this was way before.
It was like, this feeling of like, being like,
"Somethin's not right in this room.”
America's brand new.
I would think the real ghost,
the real-real T, is in the countries that
have been around a lot longer than us, hello.
Lot of historical grime mucking up those walls.
Besides let's be honest.
If ghosts are dead people who are pissed in America,
all those ghosts are Native Americans.
Oh, I know.
And they're pissed.
Girl you don't have to worry about
little Caucasian Pilgrim ghosts.
No.
But you know what?
There's a girl in my hometown,
and I forgot her name- No,
her name is Mandy, and her and her mom
swore that every night at the same time,
they would see a woman with a bunch of laundry
in like a Pilgrim outfit walk through their living room.
Same formation, same time every night.
And they were like, "We do not stay
in the living room that time of night,
'cause we've both seen it separately."
That's consistency.
American Horror Story, hang up your wig (bleep).
Okay so, Dani's at a pub looking at jobs again
because she doesn't think she got it.
Let's see who she runs into, you never know.
- "Julia Roberts." - "Mary Stuart Masterson."
- "Camilla Parker-Bowles." - "Catherine Zeta-Jones."
Oh God, she's like,
"Well, if you're not going to hire me, maybe we can (bleep)."
That was the most awkward job interview of my entire life.
I think we should toast to it. Mr. Wingrave,
or do you prefer it in your tea?
Whew!
- Coming for his alcoholism! - She is so fierce.
What about you?
What was your catch?
"I murder babies."
"I hope it's not a problem, but I kill kids."
I couldn't be at home anymore.
"'Cause I killed my family."
She's just so sympathetic,
because teachers in general are just like, (bleep) angels.
Our job is the opposite.
We make people stupider, we're self serving,
we're impatient-
- We steal their pencils. - Yeah.
Exactly as Lord Wingrave had described.
Wow, that is stunning.
Could you live in a house that big?
Could you imagine?
You know the plumbing is rotten.
You know the heating is a mess.
You know the air conditioning sucks.
They just have fans and fainting couches.
And it yawned open to welcome her home.
That's a great little opening number staircase.
♪ Do you want to have fun...♪
- ♪Fun, fun, how's about a few,♪ - ♪Fun, fun, how's about a few,♪
-♪ ghosts, ghosts.♪ -♪ laughs, laughs. ♪
If we were doing that,
that (bleep) would have turned around and left, said,
"These are the kids?
- Nevermind." - Yeah.
"These are two mentally ill assholes in synthetic wigs."
- It's beautiful. - Come along.
- Ew. - Ew, no.
Ooh, kids are annoying.
This is the kitchen and it’s perfectly splendid.
Paintings are all original and they're perfectly splendid.
"You know what would be perfectly splendid?
If you shut the (bleep) up for two minutes, okay.
Let me enjoy this house."
This is the classroom. It's quiet boring.
If she would've said, "It's splendid,"
I woulda got in her face and said,
"It is? Ohh."
I'm gonna have a giant, huge,
I'm talking like, floor to ceiling, gilded frame,
George Washington, Smithsonian style oil painting of myself.
But ask me what, doing what?
Oh, what are you doing?
I don't know yet.
But, something really important and historical maybe like-
Well what if you don't decide,
and it's just you going?
Or, oh, being burnt at the stake but looking fabulous.
- Oh! - I'm sorry.
"I was just admiring your breasts."
Just wanted to say how happy we all are that you're here.
Creepo.
Kids are creepy!
Just a little something to make you feel more welcome.
"I pulled it from the exhumed corpse of my grandmother."
Aww.
It really is very silly, isn't it?
Where did you get that?
Miles gave it to me.
He shouldn't have done that.
Why not?
Who are you looking at Mary?
Girl, what if it panned over
- and it was just me like this. - Yeah, I was like-
Can I get out now?
Can I play with my dolls?
Yeah. 15 minutes, okay?
Okay!
- Ooh! - All righty, all righty, okay.
All right, okay. All right, okay.
All right.
Ooh.
I was just thinking, "When's somethin' scary gonna happen?"
She's a brave lady.
- Oh, she- - It was there the whole time?
- Oh, - The whole time?
The whole time!
Little Ms. Dani is tough as nails.
She's unflinching.
Okay, question for you.
You see a haunted minor in the bathroom mirror
for a full 10 seconds.
Are you able to go to sleep that night,
yes or no?
I think my initial thing would be shock,
and then I would be so scared that I wouldn't scream.
And then I think I would have to investigate further
because what I was seeing was so terrifying
- that it couldn't be that. - Right.
The bathroom mirror situation in a horror movie
is like one of my favorites.
Honestly, it makes you think
of when you look in the mirror
and it's only you there.
- Still terrifying, - Terrifying.
and very possible.
I like to be involved in a weeping moment
and then get scared (bleep)less out of it.
You love to be mid cry and then-
- Scared out of it. - And then my breasts suddenly are just,
Out yeah, both of them, and-
Dani's getting up in the middle of the night
to get herself a cup of tea,
which, if I saw what she saw in that bathroom,
there'll be no tea drinking in the middle of the night.
An emptiness that called out to be explored.
I would turn every light in this
mother (bleep) house on at all times.
And we need some 24 hour prayers.
That is not a thing that happens.
Nobody walks around in the dark.
If I'm in bed at night
and I want hot water, I just piss on myself,
I don't have to go downstairs.
This is how I walk through the house at night if I have to.
Full like, Scooby Doo, creepin'.
Yeah!
My doors actually do this thing, do you hear this?
[Two beeps]
Yes.
That's the sound that happens anytime
one of my doors or windows opens.
And my biggest fear is that I'm gonna hear that
in the middle of the night.
And I would almost rather be murdered
without knowing that's coming.
That's why I keep my bedroom door open
and I sleep with my back to the door.
So if you're going to come at me, you better stick it,
- Just do it. - Yeah, just get in there.
Open me up like an envelope (bleep).
She wore the right outfit for it.
Dress for the job you want
and she wants to be murdered.
Where are the lights?
It's 1987, not 1687.
Where are the lights?
What's not clicking? What's not clicking?
Maybe she gets off on it.
Maybe that's the catch, she's like,
"I (bleep) ghosts."
♪No.♪
Who are these people that turn slowly
and then go investigate it without a knife or flashlight?
That creak sounded, I would've jumped out that window.
I'd be waking up those six year olds like, "Wake up."
We use the children as human shields.
Hu-yeah!
One in the front, one taking up the rear.
Yup.
- Oh, the tea kettle. - Oh, that scared me.
Don't grab it, you're gonna burn yourself.
"That's some good (bleep) tea."
Was it worth it?
After what I saw in that bathroom,
you couldn't pay me to walk around
that house at night in the dark.
You wake up that perfectly splendid little girl
and say, "What the (bleep) is going on
in this house right now."
You know what I mean?
"Wake up real quick, can I ask you a question?
What the (bleep) is goin' on in this house?"
I don't see it.
It must be under some clothes.
- Okay. - Oh no, no, no, no, no.
- Oh, God. - Nope, the Devil.
The Devil.
I said no games, open up.
The world of pain those little children would have-
- World of pain? - The world of pain.
You walk out there and punch
that little girl straight between the eyes.
No, I take them both, heads boom.
- Ah! The music box turned on! - What happened?
What happened?
What happened!
The music box turned on by itself.
Do you hear it?
I hear that (bleep) freaky-
Oh my God, oh my God.
This music box just turned on by itself.
- Shut it down. Shut it down. - Ooh.
Netflix sent me this as a set piece
and this is haunted.
That was so freaky.
Okay, go ahead.
Guys!
Oh! I didn't see that, I didn't see that.
- Did you see the eyes? - Mama, them eyes!
I can never be no parent 'cause at this point,
I'm guaranteed getting out of that closet
and beatin' the hell out of them kids.
Yeah, yeah.
Take their two heads-
This whore's gonna get an Emmy.
I get acting, who would want to act in a horror?
I do!
It's not scary when you're doing it.
You see the guy like, when you cut, you know,
Candyman like, grabs you know,
like makes a joke and just like, smiles and stuff.
Why does he grab his stuff and smile?
That's what you just said.
"You know, when they yell cut, and everyone's jerking off."
Also, the screaming.
Very hard on the throat.
- Yeah, - A lot of screaming.
They would dub me.
I would get like Allison Janney to do the screams,
- and I would just- - Yeah.
By day three you're gonna sound like
Kathleen Turner for the regular dialogue.
It's not going to be good.
"Pussy Willow."
"What are your children up to?"
My brother used to tie me to a chair
and lock me in a room by myself in the dark
and tell me that monsters were gonna get me
and then leave me there for hours.
We're not close.
- Four, three, two, - "Time to run and hide."
I would make them hide
and never look for them.
Ready or not here I come.
Girl after seeing what she saw multiple times.
The absolute (bleep) cheek of this woman
to walk into any room without even looking
- for a light switch. - Or a sword.
"I'll play this game with you,
but if I find you, I get to chop you up with this Katana."
What the (bleep)?
Little doll house, love that.
I love miniatures. They are creepy, though.
Now this is my vibe.
Ooh straight from the bottle, she's at that level.
Get so drunk that when that thing jumps out,
you don't even have the reaction speed to be scared.
"What do you want honey, huh?
We doin' white or red tonight, ghosty?"
Ms. Clayton, Flora had a nightmare.
It was a horrible dream.
Well you should be in bed.
No, that I won't.
A creature under my bed
and it said it wanted to do awful things.
It had bones for hands.
Girl, (bleep) these kids.
This is how all kids are.
"Duct taping you to that damn bed
and you're gonna have as many nightmares,
I don't give a (bleep)."
Bly Manor's very own Lady of the Lake.
"Ladies and gentlemen,
appearing at Hamburger Mary's brunch,
Ontario, the Lady of the Lake."
So melodramatic,
I always wondered what the logistics
of like, walking into a lake-
And drowning yourself would be?
I don't know.
Don't you think like, your instincts would take over
and you would-
Absolutely, you would.
Who's that, Snape?
How many people you got down there?
That's how you would be if you saw your own drowned body,
Is she looking at her own drowned body?
I think so.
Why is she so sad about it?
You just did it, Mary.
That's me looking at you sobbing over your own dead body.
That's me sobbing on my own dead body
and you’re like,
"Hey clown!"
"Hey clown, you done it again."
Well, this show has everything.
Snapped necks, drowned ladies–
Creepy kids.
No light fixtures.
Booze.
Possessed music boxes.
Specters and bathroom mirrors.
The Haunting of Bly Manor
watch it on Netflix, it's lit.
No, it's not actually. It's dark. As hell.
- Yeah, it's dark. - There's not one (bleep) light switch.
It's artistically "low lit."