>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU NOTICED, BUT I CONSIDER MYSELF A COMEDIAN.
TECHNICALLY, THIS IS A COMEDY VARIETY TALK SHOW, AND TONIGHT
WE'RE GOING TO BEGIN WITH TALKING ABOUT THE VARIETY
PORTION.
SPECIFICALLY, THE VARIETIES OF SADNESS DOMINATING THE NEWS
RIGHT NOW.
WE'RE BRACING FOR THE FOURTH WAVE OF A GLOBAL PANDEMIC, THE
JAPANESE ARE RELEASING RADIOACTIVE WATER FROM FUKUSHIMA
INTO THE OCEAN, RUSSIA'S MASSING TROOPS ON THE BORDER OF UKRAINE,
THERE'S UNREST AGAIN IN NORTHERN IRELAND, AND THE NEW "TOP GUN"
MOVIE HAS BEEN DELAYED DUE TO CORONAVIRUS.
TURNS OUT THE PRODUCTION WAS ON THE "HIGHWAY TO THE DANGER
ZONE."
AND IF THE MOVIE GETS DELAYED MUCH LONGER, INSTEAD OF
VOLLEYBALL, TOM CRUISE WILL BE PLAYING BINGO.
SHIRTLESS.
I'D STILL WATCH IT.
SO INTENSELY.
BUT OF ALL THE TOUGH STORIES TO TALK ABOUT RIGHT NOW, THE
TOUGHEST HAS TO BE THE KILLING OF DAUNTE WRIGHT IN BROOKLYN
CENTER, MINNESOTA, BY A POLICE OFFICER WHO APPARENTLY CONFUSED
HER GUN FOR HER TASER.
THERE MUST BE SOME SORT OF DESIGN FLAW IN TASER HANDLES.
OR IN OUR COUNTRY.
BECAUSE THIS IS NOT AN ISOLATED INCIDENT.
BECAUSE ACCORDING TO ONE EXPERT, THIS MIX-UP "IS NOT THE FIRST
TIME AND IT WON'T BE THE LAST."
WHY NOT?
AND WHILE WE'RE AT IT, WHY ARE WE TASERING SO MANY PEOPLE?
I THINK IT'S BECAUSE WHEN PEOPLE HEAR "TASER," THEY ASSUME IT'S
HARMLESS BECAUSE IT'S NON-LETHAL.
BUT IN FACT, IT'S AN ACT OF TORTURE TO FORCE COMPLIANCE.
AND IT'S JUST POSSIBLE THAT OUR LAWS ARE ENFORCED TOO MUCH WITH
THREATS OF VIOLENCE FOR SOMETHING THAT CONSIDERS ITSELF
A FREE SOCIETY.
AND CLEARLY THE CITY COUNCIL OF BROOKLYN CENTER FEELS THAT WAY,
BECAUSE LAST NIGHT THEY PASSED A RESOLUTION BANNING DANGEROUS
CROWD-CONTROL TACTICS INCLUDING THE USE OF RUBBER
BULLETS AND TEAR GAS.
WHICH IS WHY IT WAS SURPRISING TO SEE TEAR GAS BEING USED ON
PROTESTORS 15 MINUTES AFTER THE RESOLUTION WAS PASSED.
OKAY, WELL THAT'S BREAKING THE LAW, SOMEBODY CALL THE... OH.
OKAY.
THAT'S WHY IT'S CALLED LAW ENFORCEMENT, NOT LAW
EN-FOLLOW-MENT.
BUT, IN FAIRNESS TO THE POLICE, THEY'RE JUST USING THE ONLY
TOOLS AND TRAINING WE GIVE THEM.
IT'S LIKE THE SAYING GOES, "IF ALL YOU HAVE IS A HAMMER,
EVERYTHING LOOKS LIKE A NAIL."
ALSO, LET'S MAYBE NOT GIVE THE POLICE HAMMERS.
THERE'S ALSO NOT-GREAT NEWS ON THE VACCINE FRONT, I'LL TELL YOU
ALL ABOUT IT IN MY ONGOING SEGMENT, "THE VAX-SCENE."
>> I'M A YANKEE DOODLE VACCINE!
SHOT, SHOT, SHOT, SHOT, SHOT, SHOT, SHOT!
>> STEPHEN: THE F.D.A. AND THE CENTERS FOR DISEASE CONTROL
ANNOUNCED TODAY THAT THEY ARE RECOMMENDING A PAUSE IN THE
ADMINISTRATION OF JOHNSON & JOHNSON'S COVID-19 VACCINE.
WHEN REACHED FOR COMMENT, JOHNSON SAID IT WAS JOHNSON'S
FAULT.
BUT JOHNSON POINTED THE FINGER AT JOHNSON.
SO FAR NO ONE HAS POINTED THEIR JOHNSON.
THE REASON FOR THE PAUSE IS NOT, AS I SUSPECTED, FINDING A SHRIMP
TAIL IN THE VACCINE.
TURNS OUT, THE F.D.A. AND THE C.D.C. NEED TIME TO INVESTIGATE
AFTER SIX RECIPIENTS DEVELOPED A RARE DISORDER INVOLVING BLOOD
CLOTS WITHIN TWO WEEKS OF VACCINATION.
JUST SO WE'RE CLEAR, BLOOD CLOTS ARE CAUSE FOR CONCERN, BUT
STATISTICALLY SPEAKING, SIX IS NOT THAT SIGNIFICANT, SINCE
NEARLY SEVEN MILLION PEOPLE IN THE U.S. HAVE RECEIVED JOHNSON &
JOHNSON SHOTS SO FAR.
THAT'S LESS THAN ONE IN A MILLION.
TO PUT THAT IN PERSPECTIVE, IT'S SLIGHTLY BETTER ODDS THAN YOU
HAVE OF GETTING TO VISIT WILLY WONKA'S FANTABULOUS CHOCOLATE
FACTORY.
WHICH, FOR THE RECORD, KILLS OR MAIMS FOUR OUT OF FIVE CHILDREN
WHO STEP FOOT INSIDE.
BUT THERE IS ONE FEEL-GOOD STORY ON THE NEWS HORIZON, AND IT'S
ABOUT FLORIDA CONGRESSMAN, AND BIG-MOUTH BILLY DOUCHE, MATT
GAETZ.
"TAKE ME TO THE HIGH SCHOOL."
♪ DROP PLEA IN THE HOME ROOM ♪ I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT ON
TONIGHT'S EPISODE OF GAETZ-GAETE!
>> ARE YOUR LEGS TIRED?
'CUZ YOU'VE BEEN RUNNING AWAY FROM ME ALL NIGHT.
>> STEPHEN: WE'VE LEARNED MORE ABOUT THE GUY GAETZ DESCRIBES AS
HIS WING-MAN: FORMER FLORIDA TAX COLLECTOR AND PORNHUB CUSTOMER
OF THE YEAR, JOEL GREENBERG.
GREENBERG IS CURRENTLY IN CUSTODY FOR COMMITTING, AND I'M
ROUNDING DOWN HERE, ONE MILLION CRIMES, BUT THE BIG ONE IS
ALLEGEDLY SEX TRAFFICKING THE MINOR THAT GAETZ IS ACCUSED OF
BEING INVOLVED WITH, OR, AS POLITICO CALLED HER, THE
"FORMER 17-YEAR-OLD."
INTERESTING WAY TO PUT IT. AS A FORMER 17 YEAR-OLD MYSELF, LET
ME JUST SAY, "UGGHHH."
YESTERDAY, WE TALKED ABOUT HOW PROSECUTORS HAD OBTAINED
GREENBERG'S VENMO TRANSACTION HISTORY.
WELL, IT TURNS OUT THEY ALSO HAVE HIS WHATSAPP MESSAGES.
AS IN "WHATSAPP WITH THESE GUYS BEING DUMB ENOUGH TO DO CRIME ON
THEIR PHONES?" THE WHATSAPP CONVERSATIONS ARE
FROM THE WEEK LEADING UP TO HIS INDICTMENT.
AND AS GREENBERG GREW MORE DESPERATE, HE REACHED OUT TO
FRIENDS AND TRIED TO ENLIST THEM IN HIS DEFENSE.
THAT'S A BIG ASK.
(AS FRIEND) "HEY BUDDY, YOU REMEMBER THAT
TIME I LOANED YOU MY LEAF BLOWER AND YOU STILL HAVE IT?
AND I'VE BEEN SUPER CHILL ABOUT THAT?
NO, YEAH, I MEAN SURE I'D LOVE TO HAVE IT BACK.
BUT THERE IS THIS ONE OTHER THING YOU COULD DO: THE FEDS
FOUND OUT I HAD SEX WITH A MINOR AND PIMPED HER OUT ACROSS STATE
LINES, AND I NEED A CHARACTER WITNESS TO-- HELLO?
HELLO, I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE LEAF BLOWER!"
IN THE WHATSAPP MESSAGES, GREENBERG CLAIMS TO BE PAYING
THE 17-YEAR-OLD VICTIM'S LEGAL FEES, WHICH APPARENTLY IS NOT
ILLEGAL, BUT COULD "RAISE QUESTIONS," QUESTIONS LIKE, "WHY
IS THAT NOT ILLEGAL?" IN THE MESSAGE, GREENBERG
REFERRED TO THE YOUNG WOMAN BY HER ONLINE USERNAME, "VINTAGE
99," A FINE-WINE REFERENCE TO HER BIRTH YEAR.
OKAY, LET ME PUT THIS IN WINE TERMS.
CHARDONOOO!
KEEP YOUR PINOT IN YOUR PANTS.
KEEP IN MIND, "VINTAGE 99" WAS THIS GIRL'S USERNAME WHEN THEY
CONNECTED WITH HER ON "SEEKING ARRANGEMENT" IN 2017.
SO, WHETHER SHE WAS THE AGE OF CONSENT DEPENDS ON WHAT MONTH IN
THAT YEAR SHE WAS BORN.
THAT'S A VERY SPECIFIC PICK-UP LINE.
(AS SLEAZY GUY) "HEY BABY WHAT'S YOUR SIGN?
IF IT'S AFTER TAURUS, I SHOULD REALLY GET A LAWYER."
THE BIDEN ADMINISTRATION IS REACTING QUICKLY TO THE
EVER-CHANGING VACCINATION LANDSCAPE
BUT THAT DOESN'T SEEM TO BE ENOUGH FOR SOME PEOPLE.
TAKE TEXAS REPUBLICAN AND LESS SEXUAL MIKE PENCE, JOHN CORNYN.
YESTERDAY ON TWITTER, CORNYN MADE A SERIOUS ALLEGATION
AGAINST PRESIDENT BIDEN: "THE PRESIDENT IS NOT DOING
CABLE NEWS INTERVIEWS.
TWEETS FROM HIS ACCOUNT ARE LIMITED AND, WHEN THEY COME,
UNIMAGINABLY CONVENTIONAL.
THE PUBLIC COMMENTS ARE LARGELY SCRIPTED.
BIDEN HAS OPTED FOR FEWER SIT DOWN INTERVIEWS WITH
MAINSTREAM OUTLETS AND REPORTERS."
THEN CORNYN ADDED, INVITES THE QUESTION: IS HE REALLY IN
CHARGE?" EXACTLY!
AFTER ALMOST 100 DAYS IN OFFICE, BIDEN HAS YET TO DO "ANY" OF THE
STUFF WE ASSOCIATE WITH THE PRESIDENCY: HE HASN'T TWEETED
OUT CABLE NEWS RATINGS, BRAGGED TO REPORTERS THAT HE PASSED A
TEST MADE FOR STROKE VICTIMS OR TOLD THE BOY SCOUT JAMBOREE
ABOUT HIS BUDDY WITH A SEX BOAT!
WE DON'T EVEN KNOW IF HE CHEATED ON HIS WIFE WITH A PORN STAR,
LET ALONE CALLED HER HORSE FACE!
WE CAN'T NORMALIZE THIS!
RESIST!
BUT IF CORNYN'S LOOKING FOR AN EXCITING, UNCONVENTIONAL OVAL
OFFICE ACTION, HE BETTER BUCKLE IT UP BECAUSE DUANE JOHNSON SAYS
HE'LL RUN FOR PRESIDENT IF IT'S 'WHAT THE PEOPLE WANT.'
WHICH MEANS SOMEWHERE OUT THERE, ONE MAN IS SADLY ROLLING UP A
"WIN WITH VIN" POSTER.
THE ROCK IS STAYING HUMBLE ABOUT HIS PRESIDENTIAL HOPES, SAYING
ON INSTAGRAM, "I DON'T THINK OUR FOUNDING FATHERS EVER ENVISIONED
A SIX-FOUR, BALD, TATTOOED, HALFBLACK, HALF-SAMOAN, TEQUILA
DRINKING, PICK UP TRUCK DRIVING, FANNY-PACK WEARING GUY JOINING
THEIR CLUB."
HE'S RIGHT.
THEY'D ALSO BE ASKING, "HEY, CAN YOU EXPLAIN TEQUILA, PICK-UP
TRUCKS, FANNY PACKS, "SAMOA," AND HOW A MAN CAN GET ENOUGH
NUTRIENTS TO GROW OVER 5-FOOT-3?"
LOOK, FOLKS -- HE SAID, CHANGING HIS TONE AND EMOTION --
I LOVE DWAYNE "ROCK" THE JOHNSON AS MUCH AS THE NEXT MIDDLE-AGED
MAN WHO LOVES FAST CARS GO ZOOM.
BUT FOR THE LOVE OF LUDACRIS, WE DON'T NEED ANOTHER CELEBRITY IN
THE WHITE HOUSE.
JUST 'CAUSE PEOPLE LOVE SOMETHING DOESN'T MEAN WE SHOULD
HAND IT NUCLEAR CODES.
THAT'S WHY WE'VE NEVER I ELECTED PRESIDENT SURPRISE
ONION RING IN YOUR FRENCH FRIES.
BESIDES, WE'VE ALREADY HAD A COUPLE OF PRESIDENTS JOHNSON.
WE'D HAVE TO CALL HIS ADMINISTRATION "2POTUS2PREZ,
EXECUTIVE DRIFT."
ALSO, NO ONE WOULD COME TO OUR STATE DINNERS:
(AS SERVER) "CHANCELLOR MERKEL, PLEASE ENJOY
TONIGHT'S ENTREE: 12 POUNDS OF STEAMED COD AND BLENDER FULL OF
CREATINE POWDER."
BOTTOM LINE: DWAYNE, YOU WON'T EVEN LIKE THE GIG.
YOU'RE AN ACTION STAR.
BEING PRESIDENT IS BORING.
IT'S ALL LEGISLATION AND DIPLOMACY AND PAPERWORK.
AND AS WE ALL KNOW, PAPER...
BEATS ROCK.
♪♪♪
( DOOR SLAMS ) SUPER SLAM, SLAM!