- Hey everybody.
Thanks for checking back.
I have my wonderful,
and special guest Paul Gilmartin is here.
To talk with us about his path to recovery from alcoholism.
So stay tuned.
(upbeat music)
So like I said, I have my friend Paul,
and thank you so much for spending time
to record these videos with me.
- My pleasure, my pleasure.
- And if you haven't been introduced to Paul before,
he has "The Mental Illness Happy Hour" that is a podcast
that, is it once a week?
- Once a week, yes
- That's what I thought, once a week where he shares
his stories, he has viewers on, and people like me on,
and we talk about all things mental illness related in a
hopefully relatable way.
- Yeah
- So I'll put the links to all of his stuff below,
but today we're here to talk a little bit about your
path to recovery from alcoholism.
- Mm Hmm
- And I guess my first question, because I get a lot
of questions from a lot of my viewers about how you even
know you first have a problem?
- I didn't know for a long time that I had a problem
even though it runs in my family.
Like the majority of men in my family are alcoholics.
I didn't drink during the day, I never had a DUI,
I never lost a job because of it so I thought,
"I can't possibly be an alcoholic.",
but I couldn't quit.
- Mm Hmm
- And it was the way, I didn't know any other way to relax,
and I noticed that my depression
was getting worse and worse.
And I was starting to go to bars and drink by myself
Because alcoholism and drug addiction
are progressive diseases
- Yeah
- Left untreated, your life will get worse,
and I could see that starting to happen.
Driving drunk more.
Towards the end I could not
not drive 105 through traffic.
At night on the freeway weaving in and out
like it was a video game.
- Scary
- Very scary and my teeth, I would grit my teeth cause
I was just so angry.
I didn't care if I killed somebody.
I didn't care if I died, and yet still, because alcoholism,
and drug addiction like mental illness will tell you
you don't have a problem.
- Mm Hmm
- That it was just this night,
or that person's getting on my nerves,
Or, "Oh, my friends made me drink that last pitcher",
you'll come up with any reason
- Yeah
- And so I just...suicide.
I was just thinking about suicide
all the time, and that I knew was not...
Didn't make sense
for somebody who had success, and a wife, a house, you know,
I was in the middle of doing this great gig on TV
that lasted for a long time.
So I had all this stuff on paper that,
society tells you that if you get this.
You'll be happy. - You're happy
- And I was thinking about killing myself 50 times a day.
So I went in there, and I realized that alcoholism
is but a symptom of a deeper underlying problem
- Yeah
- Which is anger, resentment, fear, not knowing
how to express our feelings.
- Exactly, and bottling all that up.
I talk a lot to my viewers, probably,
they're sick of hearing it, but how everything that we do
that we quote unquote is unhealthy, an unhealthy thing like
eating disorder, self harm, alcoholism, drug addiction.
Even anger to some extent,
we use these - That's a drug
- Yeah, we use those kinds of like addictions slash drugs
as ways to cope with something else.
So it's really, it helped us at one point in time,
and sometimes I tell my clients, I'm like,
No, pat yourself on the back.
You came up with a way
to get through this really shitty situation,
and you survived.
But now that no longer serves a purpose,
and so is there a point in your recovery where
you recognized what purpose it was serving?
- Yes.
Yeah, absolutely.
Because in my support group I began to learn tools
that replaced it, and I began to feel relaxed naturally.
Sometimes you don't know how tense, and angry,
and sad you are until you don't feel
- Yeah
- Tense, angry, and sad
And so when I didn't feel that, and I felt relaxed,
and I felt at peace with any issues that were going on
in my life, I realized, Oh, this is the feeling
I used to get from a couple of beers, and a hit of weed
sinking into my recliner.
When suddenly I could tell my wife I loved her.
I felt OK about my future
and here I was now being able to tell my wife I loved her.
- Yeah, without. - Feeling OK about my future
without having to be drunk or high
- Yeah - to do it.
- So how, because I always tell them,
and I don't know if this is your experience either,
but I always tell you guys how it may take ten of these
quote unquote more healthy options we try out
to try to distract.
We try to express emotions in a different more healthy way
in order to negate the one urge that's there.
and was that your experience as well?
You had to do a lot of extra work?
- A lot of things, yes. I pray, I meditate, I exercise,
I reach out on the telephone,
I take phone calls when people reach out to me for help.
I try to be of service where I can.
It's little things, returning your shopping cart,
using your turn signal.
All those little things add up
to building your self-esteem, and reminding yourself
that you are an interconnected part of this universe.
You are not an island.
What you do affects other people,
and giving and receiving love,
which I found in my support groups,
was incredibly healing for me.
They loved me before I could love myself.
And that's why support groups, I'm such a champion
- Yeah
- Of them because, I thought,
these many people can't be lying everyday that
I'm - Yeah
potentially lovable!
- Well yeah, people actually like me sometimes
- Yeah
- And it's hard to believe that.
- Yeah
- They always say it, in the therapy world it takes,
for everyone negative, that we've either told ourselves,
or someone else has told us.
It takes five positives.
- I believe that
- And if we think about all the shit
we tell ourselves everyday, I'm stupid, I'm lazy,
I'm worthless.
All this stuff.
All that has to be negated
with positive affirmations.
So that's why repeated groups go into the support groups,
and reaching out and calling someone,
and we have to do all these good things
to negate that one bad thing
just like we have to do all these healthy things
to negate the one unhealthy need.
But stick with it, it gets better
- It does, it does.
- And in that note, I guess, the next question I have is
as far as relapse goes
with alcoholism, cause it's very common,
and I don't want any one you to think that if you slip up,
just like I talk about with self harm,
or eating disorders, no path to recovery is like
(light music effects)
off we go.
- Lotta two steps forward, one step back
- Yeah, so, how did you manage that,
or advice that you'd give to others who are
struggling with relapse?
- You know the more you put into your recovery tools,
the more you will see results.
A lot of us like to cut corners in our lives,
because we can get away with it,
but you're only cheating yourself.
If you're like, nah I only need to go once a week.
I don't need to call people.
And a lot of times the most dangerous place
you'll be in is when your life is going well,
and you're feeling good, cause you'll think,
I don't need that anymore.
- Oh, kinda like, we were talking about antidepressants,
and medication
- Yeah
- Oh I'm doing good.
I don't need it anymore.
- Yeah. And one of the light bulbs that went off in my head
early in my sobriety was, I would think to myself,
I'm feeling good.
I don't feel the need
to get high right now,
so I don't need to go to that meeting,
and then it occurred to me,
Maybe that meeting needs me today.
Maybe somebody else hasn't heard their story yet,
and my story is similar to theirs,
and that's gonna be a light bulb for them.
- Yeah
- And that's a really important part of recovery is feeling
that sense of meaning and purpose.
by reaching your hand out once you
get a little momentum going
- Yeah, and that's the cool thing about support groups
if any of you haven't checked out
different twelve step programs and everything
the way that a lot of it's setup,
for those of you who don't know,
is that they put you in touch with someone who is doing well
so that when you're having trouble,
you can reach out for that hand, and they're there,
and that's the cool part about
groups in general
is sometimes that group needs you,
you might not need that group,
and you have something to share too.
So, it's like our community.
I was telling you all to share your advice
and help out other people too
because you know more about your experience
than I'll ever know.
And so therefore you have all these nuggets
of really helpful information
that maybe that one story
that someone needed to hear
that was so close to their own
to help them have that light bulb moment
and then they get help too.
- Yeah.
- So, how long have you been...
- 12 years.
12 years.
(claps hands)
Yeah.
- That's a huge accomplishment.
- It is, it is.
And you know the thing that is so great about it
is for me it's not enough
to not drink.
It's that I don't want to drink.
That is a really beautiful place to be.
You know, cause if I was going around all day,
and I was feeling like God I want a drink,
that wouldn't feel successful to me.
- It's not an enjoyable way to live life.
You can get through it, you're white-knuckling it,
but to just not need it
is such a healthier place, I think, mentally.
And your wife has supportive.
- Very supportive.
She saw a change almost immediately.
In fact, when I apologized to her
after I had been sober for, I don't know,
maybe 6 months or so,
and I could finally, see some of the wreckage I've created
and a lot of the
ways I mistreated her and was emotionally distant
or verbally abusive, I apologized for those things
and she said something to be that I'll never forget.
She said "I know you think I stuck around
"because I have low self esteem,
"but I stuck around because I always knew
"you'd become the man that you became."
And I thought wow,
she could the potential in me
that I couldn't even see.
And that's one of the great things about support groups
is those people will see the potential in you
before you can.
And eventually they'll wear you down
and you will realize wow,
there is a good person inside me.
It's just been masked by my addiction.
- Yeah, that's so...
I'm a crier so I'm like keep it in.
But thank you for sharing your story.
And I think that's really powerful.
And I hope all of you
can offer up some of your own tips and tricks
and things that worked for you
in the comments because often times,
the same way that you got support
from the groups, we can get support from our community
and people will see the wonderful things in you
and know how wonderful you can be
before you are able to recognize it.
And if you haven't checked out our other video,
we did a video about group therapy
where we talked a little bit more about
how that's helped Paul so you can click here
to check that out
and all the links for his mental illness happy hour,
the mental pod will be down below.
And thank you so much for taking time
to sit down with us.
- Thanks Kati.
- See you next time.