Sadly, in the entire human history, the number of benevolent kings,
queens, and rulers is so small that one could count them on their fingers. On the other hand,
the list of terrible rulers is so long that one has to give props to those who climbed the ladder
and were able to top it. And that’s disgusting. That is why when you talk of the worst of worst,
one cannot omit the name of Henry the VIII from the list. Mostly remembered for being the bane
of his wives, Henry the VIII was terrible in more than one way. Welcome to Nutty History and let’s
find out all the weird and terrible things about the enormously awful Tudor king, Henry the VIII!
There was nothing that could beat Henry VIII’s intense hatred for his wives and the catholic
church. Once a devout paladin of Catholicism, Henry the VIII was titled ‘Defender of the Faith’
by a grateful pope after Henry debated protestant leader Martin Luther. Then how come things got
sour between the poster boy of the papacy and the Vatican? Well, the answer is simple,
the Pope crossed the line of his welcome. Henry's first wife, Catherine of Aragon had failed to
produce an heir for the demanding king and Henry’s patience was growing thinner by the day. Frankly,
the chances of Catherine getting pregnant were next to nothing and Henry was worried about his
not-so-long dynasty’s future. He wanted to divorce her and get another wife like it was a matter of
buying a new car after a regrettable purchase and he had eyes on a newer car model for a long time.
Anne Boleyn was one of his court ladies and Henry wasn’t subtle at hiding his immense crush on her.
Anne was the daughter of Thomas Boleyn, the first Earl of Wiltshire, and used to be a maid of honor
to Queen Claude of France. It is believed that Henry began his approaches towards Anne in early
1526 but she resisted his advances as she had no intention of becoming a mistress to the king,
like her sister Mary. Her refusal became the cause for Henry’s efforts to annul his marriage with
Catherine so he could properly propose to Anne. Interestingly, the cardinal that Henry employed
to advocate for his divorce to Pope Clement VII was Cardinal Thomas Wolsey who was responsible
for refusing Anne’s last betrothal two years ago. Though there is no evidence that Henry
was responsible for Cardinal Wolsey annulling Anne’s betrothal, given that Cardinal Wolsey
was working for him does cast a shroud of doubt on his actions. Regardless, Wolsey failed to obtain
an annulment of Henry's marriage from Pope Clement VII and it cost him his dear life. Henry argued to
the pope that because Catherine had been briefly married to his brother, Arthur, the marriage was
against the will of God, hence the absence of male children. But Pope played a reverse Uno
card on Henry and asked if her marriage to his brother was a matter of concern why he married
her in the first place? Henry stomped his feet and yelled but Pope wasn’t having none of it,
so Henry proclaimed, “Fine, I’ll just invent a new religion! The Church of England! And I’ll
be its Supreme Head too!” And that was the story of how the Church of England, or Anglican Church,
the primary state church of England came into existence. Just so that Henry the VIII
could force two women at once to do something against their will. In 1532, Henry’s advisor
Thomas Cromwell forced Parliament to pass a law making Henry the head of the Church of England,
effectively removing England from the pope’s authority. Henry’s power increased exponentially
over the next decade and as did his wealth. According to the new law, all English monasteries
were to be closed, and their assets transferred to Henry’s coffers. Opponents of the revolution,
such as Henry’s old friend and adviser Thomas More, were executed under harsh treason laws.
Henry the VIII’s father Henry the VII was a competent, inspiring leader who was not only
tactful but also efficient at ruling. He secured to establish a dynasty by a marriage with the
enemy and began creating a succession line for the future. Sadly, his son was Henry the VIII
whose squandering and shortcomings overshadowed his father’s quiet, uneventful but prosperous
rule to set up the Tudor phenomenon. Thanks to his father’s ingenious reign, Henry the VIII
inherited a large fortune, the equivalent of some £375 million. But despite the influx of
money from the dissolution of the monasteries and new taxes imposed by Cromwell, Henry the VIII’s
treasury was almost always short on funds to pay his debts. There was no end to his profligate
spendings and lavish lifestyle. Clearly, the value of money wasn’t something Henry the VIII learned
in his childhood, nor adulthood as a matter of fact. His spending choices were worse than adult
Rupert Grint buying an ice cream truck for himself from his Harry Potter residual checks. Henry VIII
cared more about his display of power than having any and such a show of magnificence didn’t come
cheap. Apart from his senseless expenditure on wars that we will discuss later, he also threw the
most extravagant and expensive Christmas bashes of his time. Just after inheriting the throne at the
age of 18, the young king spent the equivalent of £16.5 million on a series of lavish events.
Total revenue from the taxes for that year was equivalent to £13.5 million,
throwing the royal treasury into a massive deficit. The money went on food, entertainment,
and gifts including generous individual presents for staff members. Beneficiaries included choir
boys, musicians, actors, and servants. The king paid his blind court poet, Master Bernard André,
£5 - the equivalent of £2,400 in today's money, and another was paid £1, now £483 these days,
to a woman who brought a perfumed ball to the palace residences to keep the air fresh. One
goldsmith was also offered £83 for gifts by the monarch, worth £41,000 in the present-day economy.
Of course, great parties are always nice especially when you live in the Middle Ages
and ever so desperately need a reason to smile at least once a year. However, when one night
of mirth brings you ages of misery, is the party really worth it? So, a word of advice, be a little
kind on your credit card while shopping under the influence of strong eggnog this Christmas.
Expenditures like lavish parties and luxurious commodities plagued Henry the VIII’s entire term
on the throne. Another favorite way of spending money for him was the food. Not only his eating
habits, which is pretty evident from the fact that he died weighing way over four hundred pounds,
but also, he loved having food cooked on a grand scale for his grand parties. He
expanded the kitchens of Hampton Court Palace to the extent that they filled 55 rooms! Banquets
in his parties would serve fourteen courses on an average for a mere 600 guests and included exotic
dishes like grilled beaver tails, whole roasted peacock, and boar's head. In a sense, it wouldn’t
be wrong to say that Henry actually devoured his kingdom’s wealth to die of obesity and bankruptcy.
When the expenses began piling up on Henry’s treasury, he came up with yet another genius
idea to make up for his losses. “Let’s go to war and replenish our empty coffers,” said nobody ever
except Henry the VIII, and oh boy was he wrong! Not only was he wrong, but he also stank at it!
He had next to little talent or the skill set to lead armies on battlefields and yet
England was constantly at wars under his rule, constantly losing more money. His repeated
efforts to conquer Scotland ended up pushing the Scotts into an alliance with France against him,
while his alliance with Holy Roman Emperor Charles V soured. Moreover, his attempts to
divorce his first wife Catherine of Aragon didn’t help much to salvage his relationship with Charles
V who happens to be the nephew of Catherine. Losing allies never helped anybody in their
war efforts and it was no different for Henry who went to war with France three times which
drained his funds faster than a man losing his earnings in one wild trip to Las Vegas.
Funny, despite engaging in so many wars, the stress of bloodshed and expenses didn’t cause
any adverse effect on his health. He continued gaining weight and by the third war with France he
was in the obesity category that Gabriel Iglesias calls “OH HELL NO!” He was so overweight that he
couldn’t ride his horse anymore and had to be carried to battle lines on a litter! The only
gain of these fruitless wars for Henry was winning the port of Boulogne which his son Edward had to
sell back to France to make some profit out of them. But Sadly, Henry didn’t live to see that.
In this video we have counted many ways Henry the VIII was awful but his bad reputation
among the general masses is mostly due to how he treated his first five wives.
We already discussed how his search for a male heir destroyed the lives of not one but two women,
his first wife Catherine of Aragon, aunt to the Holy Roman Empire, and Anne Boleyn,
a courtier at Henry’s court. But there was more to the story of poor Anne. After getting rid of
Catherine, Henry had high hopes for Anne but when she gave birth to a daughter as well, Elizabeth I,
Henry accused her of adultery and treason! Wait… how does that make sense? It doesn’t! In fact, it
was Henry who was having a full-blown affair with Jane Seymore, second cousin to Anne, and Anne was
aware of it. History suggests that the two women were often involved in catfights with one another.
They were throwing them hands man! The sad part of Anne’s story is that people perceived her as the
villain in the story of Catherine of Aragon and not Henry. When King turned on her many jumped
on the bandwagon to dispose of her. Even her sister-in-law testified of an illicit affair
between her husband, George, brother of Anne, and Anne. Anne tried to reach out to her husband Henry
one last time with a letter but Henry’s mind was made to get rid of her and marry Jane Seymore.
Four men were tried for having an affair with Anne and three of them plead guilty.
Anne was tried separately and her former fiancé was on the jury, so one can imagine
how she was unanimously found guilty. None of them survived the trial. After Henry had Anne beheaded,
he wasted no time to marry Jane Seymore who was able to give him a much-desired son.
Unfortunately, Jane died during childbirth and King was a widow again.
His fourth marriage, a political match with Anne of Cleves, lasted only a few days,
just because Henry’s expectations were too high after he chose her to be his wife after looking
at a flattering portrait of her. When she didn’t live up to his expectations, the morbidly obese
king was extremely disappointed in her for not being as beautiful as she was promised to be.
Anne was at least good-looking by historical records but for Henry’s vanity it wasn’t enough,
he desired the imaginary woman in portrait and had his marriage with Anne of Cleves annulled.
The number five, Catherine Howard, met the same fate as Anne Boleyn. She too was charged with
adultery and lost her head for it. Her crime was to be friendly with men of her age and it’s
likely that, unlike Anne Boleyn, Catherine did in fact have a relationship with Thomas Culpepper.
But in her defense, she was only 19, married off to a grotesque, chauvinistic, middle-aged man.
Moreover, Thomas Culpepper and Catherine were betrothed before Catherine was asked
to marry the king. Hampton Court Palace records state that before her execution,
Catherine escaped the guards and made a mad dash to the hallway hoping to reach Henry in the chapel
and make her case for innocence but guards caught up to her and dragged her screaming for mercy.
Today, that hallway is called "the Haunted Gallery" and people believe
that the ghost of Catherine still roams there asking for mercy that was never given.
Henry wasn’t fond of only executing his wives and their accused lovers. In fact, he is responsible
for the death of nearly 57,000 to 72,000 which was nearly 3 percent of England’s then entire
population but experts doubt the execution capabilities of the obese king and expect
the real number to be in four figures. Anyone who didn't agree with the Act of Succession,
for example, was considered guilty of treason. One couldn't even criticize Henry's marriage…s.
He also terminated heretics, potential rivals to the throne including an elderly woman in the
late 60s, anybody who he can send to the gallows for being associated with his ex-wives, and a
nun! Elizabeth Barton was sort of a celebrity nun during the reign of Henry and was known for having
visions of marvelous holiness in rebuke of sin and vice. It is said that she had accurately predicted
the divorce of Henry and Catherine of Aragon and publicly announced why Henry would divorce her.
Naturally, this came under criticism of Henry’s married life and she made it worse for making
another prediction that would come true. Henry would die a villain’s death if he married Anne
Boleyn. She was arrested promptly and given his history with his wives; we all know by now how
creative Henry could get with inventing crimes to charge someone with. Do you viewers think we
missed anything weird about him? Tell us in the comments and also let us know who else shall we
make a video about in this series? And as always, thanks for watching Nutty History.