- Hey, everybody.
I received a comment on a recent video.
I wanna read it for you,
'cause it really got me thinking
and feeling like maybe I do need to do another check-in.
And if you don't like these videos, let me know.
I don't usually share that much about myself,
so it's a little uncomfortable for me also.
But anyway, the comment reads, "Kati, how are you?"
There was a chunk at the beginning.
It was a question about the video itself, but said,
"Kati, how are you?
"I've noticed in early videos, you were more energetic
"than in your current videos and podcasts.
"Are you okay?
"Are you stressed?
"Are you stretched thin, exhausted due to moving,
"tired due to all that's come out of COVID?
"Do you need a vacation?
"I don't mean to bombard you with questions or assumptions.
"Maybe you're fine and it's just my interpretation.
"We all care about you
"and wanna make sure you're getting what you need
"in your life.
"Take care, Kati.:
I thought this, I don't know.
I'm probably gonna cry,
'cause it's just been a lot,
and there's been a lot
I haven't even talked to you guys about,
but I love all of you.
And I just wanted to share that,
'cause that comment didn't bombard me.
It wasn't overwhelming.
I thought it was really sweet and it was thoughtful,
and I'm sure you have felt it, 'cause I felt it.
It's not just one thing.
I feel, first of all it's been a lot.
Moving was stressful.
I'm super fortunate to be able to move and to own a home,
and that's super amazing to get Roxy.
Like there's wonderful things
that come out of every hard time,
but I don't think anyone would disagree with me saying
that the past two years have been like an entire shit show,
and moving during COVID was really stressful.
And home ownership in and of itself is wonderful,
but it's also stressful, 'cause it's financially stressful.
And then there's just a lot of logistics of,
oh, well, now we need a plumber,
'cause this toilet is leaking for some reason,
things that that Sean and I never had to deal with before.
And we all so have never had anything depend on us,
and Roxy depends on us.
And I love that and I love her,
but it's just another layer of things that I'm dealing with.
And then not to mention,
just of still the fact that COVID is a thing.
I know that things were finally like kind of getting back
to normal, but it still doesn't feel free for...
Like it's not as easy for us to travel.
We're trying to plan on doing more travel
and like booking and scheduling,
and things were coming back online.
I got an email recently
about different event that happens every year
that I used to be a part of every year,
and it hasn't happened since the last one was in 2020
right before things went dark.
And so, it's been a lot.
And I think something that I didn't realize is creating
during a super fucking stressful time
like took its toll.
And I still can't figure out
like how to recharge my batteries.
Like (chuckles) if you listen to Sean and I's podcast,
you'll know that I've been doing this weird thing
in my sleep where I like escape
through the bottom of the sheets out the end of our bed.
And we have like a little bench there.
So I like crawl onto the bench,
and then I get up and then I'm like, what am I doing?
But in my dreams, I'm like trying to escape,
and I must escape,
not that I like put a bunch of stock in dreams
but it's definitely my feelings right now
is like, how do I escape?
Like, I don't know.
I don't even know what.
That's probably the problem.
That's probably why it's coming out of my dreams.
And also I haven't found a therapist that I like here yet.
So there's that.
And I don't mean to complain either.
I don't want this to just being me ranting and complaining,
but something happened that I haven't talked about.
And this is why I'm already crying
is that my grandmother passed away.
And she was one of those people
I just had a really wonderful relationship with.
Her and I shared a lot of random things.
Like we both have deja vu
and like more than we want to admit.
And we've always felt like it was
like the universe where she's very religious.
So it was always like God speaking to her.
We've always like commiserated or connected over that.
And I think overall there's just been a lot.
It's just been too much for me to talk about.
And I didn't go home for the funeral,
which is really unlike me,
but I felt it was one of the first times
I like set a boundary for myself and held it,
because I was just there.
For those you who don't know,
I went back home to Washington in early December
right after my grandma turned 86
and spent the whole day with her
actually taking her to the hospital,
'cause she had pneumonia and she had to get chest x-rays
and all this stuff.
And we sat down for lunch
in between the urgent care and the hospital.
And sorry if you hear a leaf blower outside,
can't control the park across the street
is getting their stuff taken care of.
Anyways, and we sat down, we had breakfast at like 11:30
at this little diner and she said,
"You know, Kati
"even though this is kind of a stressful day
"I'm really glad we gotta spend this time."
And I was like, "You know what, me too."
And I just miss her,
'cause she was such an important part of my life.
I was talking to my uncle about it the other day,
and he's like, "It's just a changing of the guards."
She was my last grandparent that I had.
And I knew once my papa died,
she didn't really wanna be here anymore.
I've never witnessed that before.
For anybody who has, I'm sorry
that you had to see that happen with a loved one.
It's so ugh.
It stirs up so much.
It's like I don't wanna be selfish
and tell her she should stay for me, right?
That's not healthy.
That's how I feel.
And then I also know how much she misses Papa,
and he was the love of her life.
They were together for, I don't even know,
60, 66 years, 67,
I don't know some crazy amount of time, you guys.
And anyway,
sorry I lost my train of thought.
Because I was just home visiting
and just spent that time with her,
I didn't feel there was any need for me
to go to the funeral, because I usually go to funerals.
I hate funerals, by the way.
Does anybody like them?
I don't think so.
I hate funerals, but I usually go to them for other people.
Like I went to my dad's for my mom,
'cause my brother was still in the Peace Corps,
and he wasn't gonna be there
and I didn't want her to be alone with it.
Also, I'm I'm his daughter.
I felt like to not be there would be really messed up.
So I went to that,
and then I went to my papa's for my grandma.
I sat next to her during it, and she wanted to hold my hand
and all the way out, and let's leave.
And she wanted me to help her,
and I needed to be there for her.
But when it came to Grandma passing away,
I talked to my aunts and my uncles
and my cousins and my mom and everybody's like,
"You were just here a couple weeks ago."
So I didn't.
I don't think that's why this is hard.
I feel like that was best for me, because if I'd gone
it would've been so emotionally taxing and so overwhelming.
I was afraid I'd get sick or catch COVID
or give it to someone else.
It just felt like too much.
And I'm just having a hard time with it.
And I think like, it's one part,
but it's like this huge...
And now like there's war happening.
And I'm like was crying watching the news the other morning
watching people in the Ukraine trying to get on trains
and stuck in traffic trying to get outta the city.
Does anybody else just feel like it's just too fucking much?
Sometimes I just wanna stand outside and like scream,
because I'm like, how is this happening?
And there was a meme that one of my friends
Sarah Rose shared the other day
that just totally resonated with me.
It was like someone tweeted,
"So I guess we're just gonna tippity tap
"through our work and do our work a pandemic and now a war.
"Okay, mhm."
And that's how it feels.
Like, oh we just have to go about our life
even though the world like is imploding again.
That doesn't even account
for like things that happen in our real life, right?
Like those are things happening in the world.
And overall, if you've been feeling that from me,
it's because I've been feeling it,
but I never know how to talk about it,
because this channel's not really about me.
And I don't wanna turn it into a channel
that's all about me, 'cause that's not why I started this.
But please don't,
but if you watch back to like my first video,
my purpose is just like to help one person
like to put educational information out there
that's helpful for people.
And that's just what I've always tried to do.
That's still what it is.
Really, it's not a channel that was created
to showcase me and my life.
I know many of you have gotten to know me
over the years and I've gotten to know you.
And so there is that community,
and that's why I wanted to be honest
about where I'm at and why I may be a little exhausted
or a little maybe short tempered or a little tired.
I think we're all pretty fucking tired, right?
And I don't know.
I haven't figured out how to get better yet.
So I just wanted to say that,
because I think a lot of times people assume
'cause we're therapists, therapists have their together,
and I have maybe a greater awareness
or I notice it more quickly
like when I'm falling into a pit,
but it doesn't mean I have all the answers right away.
I've been trying to exercise a little more,
make time for yoga.
I've been trying to call my mom and talk to her more,
and been trying to make time for Sean.
Like I made some reservations at restaurants in Austin
that we've been wanting to try.
Just little things like that
can make a big difference for me.
But like I said, I haven't found a therapist I've liked yet.
I know that's a big part of it.
It's also sometimes okay to just feel bad.
Life is hard and things happen.
It doesn't mean I have to always be put it together,
even though I think sometimes I feel that pressure
to be like that, but that's not where I'm at right now.
And I wish I were.
Oh my God, what I wouldn't give
to like not have had the pandemic
or this war and have my grandma and Papa back, right?
But (exhales) I think that's all.
That's just update.
So, I'm doing okay.
I'm hanging in there.
Life is hard.
And I don't even have all of my friends out here in Austin,
and it's a tough transition.
I have some good friends and I get to see them regularly.
And I am blessed to be able to do that,
but it's like I still don't have
a full support system set up here.
That transition just takes time.
And I know my mom's like, "You need to get out more
"and like meet more people,"
and like tell me something I don't know.
But also COVID.
So sorry, I really got myself worked up there.
Anyway, so if anybody out there is also feeling
a little stirred up, a little overwhelmed,
tearful watching the fucking news,
know that you're not alone.
Like life is still happening.
Things are still going on.
It's also world stuff.
So there's personal stuff and world stuff.
And I think the world stuff is enough to overwhelm anybody.
It's just been a lot.
And as someone who's like a caretaker for others,
I feel like being a mental healthcare worker,
caretaker-esque, and people in the healthcare field
in general, we're caring for others.
it's been really taxing.
And I know burnout rates are high.
Many of my colleagues and friends are telling me
how burnt out they are.
And I'm just feeling that.
So, I just wanted to come on here and let you know
that that might be why I've seemed a little burnt
or a little tired or a little edgy or overwhelmed
or any of those things or spaced out.
I don't know, like I've had to redo some podcasts
'cause I'm like I don't even know if I was making any sense.
Heaven help me, right?
I don't even know.
But anyway, I love you all.
Thank you for caring about me.
Thanks for asking those questions.
Again, if you don't like this kind of videos,
you can let me know.
My feelings aren't gonna be hurt.
This channel's not about me.
It never will be, but I do feel that it's important for me
to be honest about where I'm at and what's happening with me
and why I might be coming across a little bit differently.
It's a lot to create.
I think all of you might...
And I'm not saying create like as a creator,
I'm saying in life.
It's a lot to continue to create things.
You're all at work creating things.
You all are.
Many of my friends have created other humans, right?
And we're creating homes and families
and we're doing things, and it's a lot to do that
with everything else that's going on.
And anyway, if any of you are feeling this way,
I just want you to know you're not alone.
And I've got faith that it'll get better.
It's also okay to feel like shit sometimes.
I'm not saying I like it.
but I'm just saying it's unfortunately
part of the human condition,
and we'll go through these periods.
And I appreciate each and every one of you
for being there for me, for supporting me.
A lot of my Patreon patrons and live streams
and in Hangouts, I feel like I'm getting
just as much out of it.
So, thank you for that.
But even our community as a whole,
I'm just really grateful for all of you.
And so thanks for caring about me,
'cause I care about you so much.
And I'll do my best to be honest.
I'll do my best to take care of myself,
so I can keep doing what I do.
But anyway, it's just been a trying time. (sniffles)
Yeah, okay, I love you.
Have a wonderful day.
You're not alone.
I'll see you soon. (sniffles)
(upbeat music)