it all began on New Year's Day and my 32nd year of being single once again I
found myself on my own and going to my mother's annual turkey curry buffet
every year she tries to fix me up with some bushy-haired middle-aged boar and I
fear this year would be no exception
my mum a strange creature from the time when pickles on toothpicks were still
the height of sophistication
third drawer from the top owner under the mini gherkins by the way the Darcy's
are here they brought mark with them ah here we go remember mark used to pin his
paddling pool he's a barrister very well off no I don't remember he's divorced
apparently his wife is Japanese a very cruel race now what are you going to put
on this oh don't be silly Bridget never get a boyfriend if you look like you've
wandered out of outfits now run upstairs lead out something lovely on your bed
great I was wearing a carpet my Uncle Jesse had a drink hey come on actually
not my uncle someone who insists I call him uncle while he gropes my ass and
asks me the question dreaded by all Singleton's super thanks uncle T few
career girls really in it mother's trying to fix you up with some to
foresee human rights barrister pretty nasty Beast apparently who ding dong
maybe this time mom had got it right come on why don't we see if Mark faces a
gherkin mark maybe this was the mysterious mr. right I've been waiting
my whole life to meet you remember Bridget maybe not
she used to run around your lawn with no clothes on remember oh no not as such
come and look at your gravy Pam I think it's going to need saving roosters meat
sitting just stir a tuna yes of course I'll be right there
sorry lumpy gravy cause
so so you stay at your parents for New Year yes hmm yeah oh no no no no it's in
London at a party last night so afraid I'm a bit hungover well she could be
lying with my head in the toilet I can't normal people New Year's
resolution drink less oh and quit smoking keep New Year's
resolutions and stop talking total nonsense to strangers
in fact stop talking for stop yes well perhaps it's time to eat
hmm apparently she lives just around the corner from her mother I do not need a
blind date particularly not with some verbally and Continent spinster who
smokes like a chimney drinks like a fish and dresses like her mother yummy turkey
curry my favourite and that was it right there right there that was the moment
I suddenly realized that unless something changed soon I was going to
live a life where my major relationship was with a bottle of wine and I'd
finally dive fat and alone and be found three weeks later half eaten by wild
dogs or I was about to turn into Glenn Close in fatal attraction
don't wanna be
you have no messages
yeah I never need
and making labs just for fun
those days don't wanna be
and so I made a major decision I had to make sure that next year I wouldn't end
up shit-faced and listening to sad FM easy listening for the over-30s
I decided to take control of my life and start a diary to tell the truth about
Bridget Jones the whole truth resolution number one obviously will lose 20 pounds
number two always put last night's panties in the laundry basket equally
important will find nice sensible boyfriend to go out with and not
continue to form romantic attachments to any of the following alcoholics
workaholics commitment phobic peeping toms metal maniacs emotional fuckwits or
perverts and especially will not fantasize about a particular person who
embodies all these things
you