Where are all my married people
in the audience?
Clap your hands.
Let me hear from y'all, my married
people, anybody?
Any married people in the audience?
(audience applauding)
How are you guys doing?
How long you been married?
- Three years.
- Three years?
You didn't say that too happy.
(audience laughing)
First time married?
- Yeah.
I love marriage.
I love marriage so much
I've been married three times.
Yeah, never divorced, just married
three times.
(audience laughing)
No, I'm joking.
I'm not from Utah.
(audience laughing)
No, marriage-- been married three
times.
The first time I got
married I was way too young.
How old are you, sir?
- I'm 27.
- 27, that's a pretty good age
to get married.
First time I got married, no joke,
16 years old.
Is that too young to get married?
- Yeah!
- Way too young.
I got married so young we had
our wedding at Chuck E. Cheese pizza
house.
(audience laughing)
No preacher, just a big rat
at the front.
You take this woman?
(imitates rodent sounds)
(audience laughing)
Don't laugh.
That band was jamming
at my wedding,
boy.
Hoo!
That gorilla can sing!
(audience laughing)
Marriage is tough, tough, tough,
tough, tough.
But divorce-- woo!
Divorce is a whole different--
I've never cried so much in my life,
man, because I wanted my CD player.
(audience laughing)
And I'm not going to be one
of these comedians that get on stage
and do jokes about their ex-wife.
I'm not going to do that,
like my first wife.
(audience laughing)
No, she the mother of my first two
sons.
She all right.
Just talked too much.
That woman talk so much Jehovah's
Witness stop coming by our house.
(audience laughing)
How are you doing, love?
What's your name?
- Madison.
- First time married?
First time?
I'm not going to ask you.
Have a big wedding?
- Yeah.
How much your wedding dress cost,
if I'm not being too personal?
- Like, 2-- $1,200.
- 2 to $1,200?
Wait a minute, what is it?
- $1,200.
And see this is why most marriages
don't last, my opinion.
Women, you guys spend
too much money
on these dresses.
I did my research.
I googled it.
They said on average, a woman
will spend between $200 and $25,000
for one dress--
one dress they're going to wear
once, maybe twice in a lifetime.
But you know what I told my ex-wife?
If you spend $500 on one dress,
you better make sure you can make
some curtains with that
after the wedding's over.
Because, fellas, every time you want
to take your lady out,
what's the first thing they say?
I don't have anything to wear.
Just walk in their closet.
Well, put this white dress on!
You ain't worn it but once!
(audience laughing)
Don't worry about the train.
We taking the kid.
(audience laughing)
You'll be the best dressed
at the barbecue.
Come on, girl, let's go.
(audience laughing)
I wish you guys well.
I really do.
Y'all got an anniversary coming up?
- Yeah.
- OK.
Cool.
Number four or number three?
- Number three.
- So you have not been married three
years.
You've been married two years.
(audience laughing)
I got married the second time.
I figured that was it for me.
I said, this is it.
This is my love.
I'm going to do what I'm supposed
to do.
I'm not going to talk back.
I can drive now.
(audience laughing)
I'm in there, right?
True story.
Three years into the marriage,
out of the blue, she just walks up
to me, just.
(audience laughing)
"I don't think I'm in love with you
"anymore."
It's like, girl, we married now.
What's love got to do with anything?
Sit down somewhere.
(audience laughing)
So I married a totally different
woman than my first wife.
The second time I married one of you
independent women.
(audience laughing)
Yeah, one of you independent women.
Getting kind of quiet in here,
isn't it?
By round of applause.
Where are all my
independent women?
Clap your hands.
Let me hear from y'all.
(audience cheering)
Yeah.
You know what independent mean?
Can't cook.
(audience laughing)
Yeah, you ain't laughing now,
are you?
Oh, I know it's true.
She boiled me an egg one day,
had a gristle in it.
I don't know how that happened.
Look, all I know
is pancakes don't supposed to be
crunchy.
That's all I know.
First three years I met her,
I thought she was Cajun.
Everything she cooked was blackened.
(audience laughing)
Since she didn't cook it all,
we prayed after we ate.
(audience laughing)
I'm glad to be back on stage.
I've been off stage for a long time.
I'm glad to be back.
And I love my job.
This is what I do for a living,
ladies and gentlemen.
This is all I do, travel
around the country,
make people laugh.
I can't work the regular jobs
no more.
Can't do it, no.
No, I can't do it.
Some of you guys are retired,
don't have to go back
to the regular job, right?
I can't work the regular jobs,
though.
Some of you guys, Monday, you got
to go back to the regular job,
right?
Yeah.
I can't work the regular jobs.
You know why I can't work
the regular jobs no more?
Because they fire you
on the regular jobs.
(audience laughing)
I used to get fired all the time.
This is the thing I used to hate
about getting fired.
I didn't mind getting fired.
This is the thing I used to hate
about getting fired.
The day they fired you they make you
work all day till like 3 o'clock,
right?
And then at 3:15 they want to call
you in office.
Man you could have told me this at 8
o'clock this morning, man.
(audience laughing)
They want to bring you
into the office,
get all sympathetic with you.
"Look, Miguel, come on in.
"Have a seat.
"I need to talk to you for a second.
"Listen, we're downsizing."
That's the word we use now.
"We're downsizing.
"Yeah, we've got to let you go.
"I know it's a bummer.
"You need to clear your desk out,
"and security will show you out."
Boom, you're out of there right
then, right?
Now, if you want to quit, what's
the proper protocol?
They want you to give them
a two-week notice.
Guess what?
If I give you a two-week notice,
the only thing you going to notice,
I ain't worked in two weeks.
(audience laughing)
I'll wait for the applause break.
Thank you so much, sir.
Now, if you ain't got a job, now you
got to find a job.
Now, this is where it gets fun to me
because you have to fill out
those applications.
Now, I used to hate filling out
applications.
Why?
They ask you stupid questions.
So I just flip the script.
You ask me a stupid question I put
in a stupid answer.
They quit hiring me.
Seriously, try it some time.
Go somewhere you really don't want
to work, fill out an application.
They ask you a stupid question.
Put in a stupid answer.
You won't get the job,
but you'll have fun.
Try it some time, really.
(audience laughing)
The first question
on every application
is always the same, pay expected.
Just put in, "that's right."
(audience laughing)
In case of an emergency,
who should we call?
"A doctor."
(audience laughing)
Have fun with it.
Street name?
"Lil Ray Ray."
(audience laughing)
Graduation date?
"Tonya Williams."
(audience laughing)
What language do you most fluently
speak besides English?
"Rap."
(audience laughing)
Every interview ends
with the same question, every one.
What can you bring
that's beneficial to this company
each day?
I tell them, "donuts every morning."
That's it, man.
(audience laughing)
Yeah, you laugh.
I got that job.
I did.
I was a police officer for three
years.
(audience laughing)
I got one clap.
We must have some law enforcement
here.
Any law enforcement here?
I don't care.
I talk about you.
You can't pull me over.
I'm not driving.
(audience laughing)
If you won't pull anybody over,
Just watch.
I found this out.
If women don't have kids right away,
they have to have a dog.
I don't know what it is.
Me and my wife got married.
We decided we weren't going to have
kids.
"We need a dog!"
I said, we don't need a dog.
"We need a dog for protection."
I said, look, I pay $32 a month
to ADT.
That's all the protection we need.
"We need a dog when you go
"on the road."
I say, fine, go get a dog.
I go on the road for three weeks.
I come home.
I walk in the living room.
Her uncle is laying on the couch.
I go in to the house,
like, why's your uncle laying there
on the couch?
"That's not my uncle.
"That's a Rottweiler."
(audience laughing)
He don't work.
I feed him.
And I take care of him.
That's your uncle in there
on the couch, lady!
This woman went and purchased
150-pound German.
I said, why did you get a dog so
big?
How much you pay for this dog?
"$1,500."
I'm like, $1,500?
Oh! Oh! Oh!
"But he has papers."
(audience laughing)
Woo!
He has papers.
One of those papers better be a job
application.
I want my $1,500 back.
This guy is huge, head as big
as mine.
This dog will walk around the house
looking at me like I'm visiting.
(audience laughing)
And I said, this dog is huge.
He gets sick.
We got to take him to the vet.
We can't afford that.
She said, I already thought that
through.
I got health insurance on the dog.
Now, honestly, I did not know this.
How many you knew that you can get
health insurance on your pets
and animals?
Clap your hands if you knew that you
can do that.
(audience applauding)
See, I had no idea.
But I'm reading over my dog-- my dog
got a better HMO plan than I do!
I get sick.
I don't go to my doctor.
I go to the vet.
(audience laughing)
Yeah, you laugh.
No co-pay.
(audience laughing)
I went in there last week,
told him my paw was hurting,
me and my paw.
I said, woo, my stomach bothering
me.
I think I got worms.
(audience laughing)
Then she tells me we need the house
break the dog.
I said, oh, no,
that's your dog,
your responsibility.
I'm not dealing with that.
"Well, you need to let the dog know
"who the alpha is."
When I stop bringing food
in the house,
he going to know who the alpha is.
(audience laughing)
"No, it's very simple.
"All you do is when you catch the dog
"using the bathroom in the house,
"you put his nose in the stuff.
"You roll up some papers,
"and you spank him."
That's a Rottweiler!
That's like walking up
to your mother,
slapping her, and saying,
make me some pancakes!
(audience laughing)
A different situation, same result.
Your butt going to get
tore up that day. Alright?
(audience laughing)