GRIF: We're going the wrong way.
CHURCH: How would you know? You've never been here before.
GRIF: You've never been here before either!
CHURCH: Well I'm not the one telling people they're going the wrong way!
GRIF: Shut up.
CHURCH: You shut up.
CHURCH: Let's all shut up. How about that?
CHURCH: Simmons, what does that thing say?
CHURCH: Where are they holding Sarge and Tex prisoner?
SIMMONS: Says here: section 1,157.
CHURCH: What section are we in now?
SIMMONS: Um, section 0.
GRIF: Oh, crap!
That's like a million sections away!
CHURCH: We have to fight our way through this whole place!?
They'll be dead by then!
SIMMONS: Maybe not. You see this?
It says that access tunnel cuts right into the mountain.
It looks like a pretty straight run,
but it's loaded with guards.
CHURCH: How long is it?
SIMMONS: Um, whoa. Uh, almost a kilometer.
GRIF: So our choices:
a bunch of small rooms filled with a ton of enemies,
or one long room
filled with a ton of enemies,
or we can give up.
I say we give up.
SIMMONS: Grif, we can't stop now, we're only in the first room!
GRIF: No, according to what you said,
we're not even in the first room!
We're in room 0.
But it's okay Simmons, we did our best.
No one could possibly ask any more of us.
CHURCH: I got an idea.
Simmons, what if we do this...
(indistinct talking)
...modified the rocket launcher...
(indistinct talking)
...against us.
GRIF: Hey, what are you guys talking about? That doesn't sound like surrendering.
Let me see.
SIMMONS: Get away, Grif! We're working here.
CHURCH: Yeah, come on, beat it.
GIRF: Whatever. I don't want to see anyways.
(impersonating Simmons) Oh, look at me, I'm Simmons!
I have a computer and I don't have to show it to anybody!
I'm just going to push all the buttons!
(aliens squawking)
(normal voice) Um.
SIMMONS: What is that noise?
GRIF: How do I shut this door?
SIMMONS: Run!
(screaming)
SIMMONS: Where the fuck did they come from?!
CHURCH: What the hell?!
SIMMONS: They're blocking our way to the exit tunnel.
CHURCH: Oh, come on!
Simmons, rocket launcher, now!
SIMMONS: Coming up!
GRIF: You're not going to kill them all with that!
CHURCH: We don't need to, this is a guided rocket.
Aim for the tunnel Simmons.
SIMMONS: I'm on it.
Fire in the hole!
(alien screams)
CHURCH: All right, here's a map to guide me.
Don't let me hit anything.
And... You know, explode.
GRIF: What the hell are you doing?
CHURCH: I, uh,
I'm suddenly having second thoughts.
GRIF: You had a first thought?
CHURCH: Yeah. Hey, Grif,
incase I forget to say it later,
ow.
(Church screaming) (alien splats)
(Grif laughs) Yes.
Finally, a stupid plan where someone's going to get killed and it's not me.
(Church screaming)
GRIF: Oh, my God! There's like a million of these things!
SIMMONS: Well fucking shoot 'em then!
(alien squawks)
(alien squawks curiously)
CHURCH: Look out! (screams)
Hey, what are you guys doing back there!?
Just guide the rocket!
Stop goofin' around!
(clicking)
ALIEN 1: Get 'em!
ALIEN 2: Hoorah!
GRIF: Uhhh....Simmons, they're getting closer.
SIMMONS: Shut up I need to concentrate!
(grif screams) (alien screams)
GRIF: Help! Get them off me!
SIMMONS: Help yourself, they aren't that tough!
(punch)
SIMMONS: Ow! Son of a bitch!
CHURCH: Whatever you're doing back there, stop doing it! Or do it straighter! Please!
(thud, thud) (simmons grunting)
SIMMONS: Take that you little bastards!
GRIF: He's choking me! He's got me in a sleeper hold!
BRUTE: What is that?
(church screaming)
(confused squawking)
(gun fire)
CHURCH: Uh..okay guys, yeah, that's too high. Guys? Too high guys!
GUYS?!
GRIF: Ow! Ow! OW!
GRUNT: Get some bitch!
CHURCH: Oh man, this is gonna...
HURRRRRRRRRRRT!
CHURCH: Son of a bitch!
HOW MANY TIMES? HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO RE-LIVE THIS BULLSHIT?!
CHURCH 2: Alright ya big baby, clam down.
CHURCH 1: Hey! Up yours man! You don't know me!
CHURCH 2: Actually, dumb ass, I do. I'm you.
CHURCH 1: I know you know! It's just a figure of speech! Huh! Who's the dumb ass now?
CHURCH 2: Still you.
(punch)
BOTH: OW!
CHURCH 1: Damn, I hit hard!
CHURCH 2: Or we just have a glass jaw.
So, what did we learn this time?
(heavy sigh)
CHURCH 1: Antagonizing the aliens is not a sure-fire way to keep Tex in blood gulch.
CHURCH 2: Yeah, ya know I really thought you woulda figured that out after the FIRST time it didn't work.
CHURCH 1: Don't you mean WE?
CHURCH 2: Don't fuckin' sass me.
(long groan) (thud)
CHURCH 2: Hey, we knew what we were getting into when we started this.
Chasing after Tex in here won´t be easy
We can try to change things, but it´s entirely possible that we´re still gonna re-live our memories
Over and over and over and over...
CHURCH 1: Okay! I get it!
(defeated sigh) I guess it's time for another iteration.
CHURCH 2: Any bright ideas this time around?
CHURCH 1: What if we killed Caboose?
CHURCH 2: How would that help?
CHURCH 1: Well it'd make me feel a lot better.
CHURCH 2: Huh...good point.
Alright...lets get this started.
(shouted) AYE! TUCKER! I THINK THE REDS JUST GOT A DELIVERY!
(calm music)
VIC: Space...
It´s like
Really...
really...
really big dude...
And it´s got all sorts of stuff in it too!
I´m talking about aliens, humans
Canyons, spaceships...
Those little peppers wrapped in bacon, stuffed with cheese
Uhhh! Hits the spot every time
Muy delicioso dude!
Yep! There´s a lots of stuff in space amigo
But there´s even more stories. And I heard them all
My name is Vick... 555- V-I-C-K
And I can open the window to a whole galaxy full of stories
You never even knew existed
See what I did there?
That´s a Segue. We´re talking about windows?
Window shows up. Creates intrigue
Now We´re almost to the good part...
Some stories are funny, some stories are not
Some of them look kind of weird, and some of them might be about
Folks You never even heard of
The whole Red vs Blue-niverse is about ready to burst open compadre!
Come with me
And let me be Your guide
Agent Carolina: What the hell was that!
Agent North: I think it was a window?
Agent Wyoming: Knock, Knock!
Agent South: He said window, not door
Agent York: A window? Just on its own?
I mean, not attached to anything?
479er: What the hell is a window doing in the middle of space?!
Agent Washington: I don´t know! Just keep Flying!
Sarge: What the heck was that?!
Caboose: I think it was a logo