If we do a good job parenting, our kids grow up they become adults. But then what
do you do with a failure to launch chil?d
We've reiterated many times on this channel and especially in the positive
parenting playlist that your job as a parent is... Vicki? -To love them no matter
what and even if. -Yes. We can expand that into if we do a good job as parents,
hopefully we work ourselves out of the parenting role at some point. Now, you're
always the parent for your child. I don't care if your child's 50 or 60 or 70
years old. You're still their parent. You may not still be around then but... What we
stopped doing though is providing all of the same resources, taking care of all
the same problems. Hopefully our kids get to a level of moral maturity that they
can do what we call now adulting. You heard that term? You've probably heard it
as well. In fact... -I just can't adult today. -I just can't adult today. We
did a video here on the channel about how to get better at adulting. You might
want to take a look at that. We did a fun little top 10 list for people who are in
this phase of life. So, young adults who are now trying to launch into their own
life. Vicki, let's take a minute and talk about what failure to launch isn't. -Okay,
yeah, let's definitely talk about it. So, sometimes there are often situations
where there's a housing crisis. There it just... Their housing has become very,
very expensive to afford. Especially if you are pursuing higher education or to
better your situation or maybe you're found yourself in a situation you didn't
expect like you're with you have children and suddenly you've lost one of
your the incomes in your family due to the worst, death, job loss, whatever. -You
know, back in the olden days as our kids called it. There used to be multiple
generation households. -Right. And we're seeing that that's even more and more
common today with the economy the way it is or
with the housing shortages in some areas where families stay combined or where
parents continue to provide housing and other resources for their adult children.
Or we have multiple generations living in the same home. That's not what we're
talking about. -Not necessarily. -Not necessarily. We're also not talking about
parents who choose for very specific reasons to provide certain kinds of
support to their children while they're doing some of the things that you
mentioned. -Right. -While they're establishing a career, while they're
working through a schooling program or some other goal that they have for
themselves in their own life. That's not what we're talking about either. -So, what
are we talking about? -So, we're talking about the adulting aspect of this where
when children reach adulthood, it's time for them to take responsibility for
certain aspects of their life. -And we went back in... Our number one job of
course as the parent is to love our child no matter what and even if. But
there are some things that we provide. It is also our stewardship to provide for
our children when they're young. -The top 5 freebies in this order are love.
-Okay. -You mentioned that. -We haven't taken that away. -Our job is to love them no matter what even
if. -Okay. -Now, I know you don't provide it but you don't have any business
depriving them of it. -Right. -Okay. There's reasons why I include that
on the list. Water, freebie, food, which doesn't necessarily mean preferred food
and shelter. Which doesn't necessarily mean a private bedroom. -Right. -Now those
are the things that we provide for our kids when they're young. When our kids
reach adulthood, they are now responsible to take care of those. And so maybe it's spell you to launch is when
they are capable but not wanting or not willing to take over the responsibility
for some of those basic freebies. -And this gets tricky because they may or may
not agree that they're capable of it. -Right. Yeah. It can be tricky. -We have some
nieces and nephews who have special needs. They are not going to reach a
point in their own development where they
can provide for their own needs. That's not what we're talking about. We're
talking about a typically developing person who has the ability to do it but
for whatever reason is not, okay? -Now, so... Going back to the housing, they
may have hit that point where they can and should be providing for their own
housing. -Yes. -I have met parents who then say this is now your responsibility. You
are welcome to rent the room from us. And perhaps a lower cost. -Yeah. -Maybe to help
them transition or to start the launch. -Or maybe not too low so that they
realized, "Look, if I have to pay rent one way or another, I'm going to go in a
situation that is going to further my social development." -Absolutely. Which is
within their rights and abilities to do. Now, before we get into another part of
this conversation, Vicki. I want to acknowledge that as adults, we should
honor and treat them as such. So, they're no longer your little kids. In fact, when
our last one turned 2,1 I turned to Vicki. You might remember this and I said,
"Buckle up honey, we're not driving." You're still on board for the ride
because you're their parents and you love them no matter what and even if. But
you don't control the shots. You're not calling the shots. -And you stay in the
consulting zone but not the control zone. -So, let's use those sweet
communication skills that you've developed over a lifetime of experience,
shall we? Go there first. Don't just implement things without
talking to them. Open up the communication. Now, they may or may not be
willing to communicate with you about that. I've consulted with families where
there is an open defiance and resistance toward the launch. I've talked with other
families where there's some anxiety that's kicking in and causing them to
have a hard time moving out or doing the things that they need to do with their
own life. There could be a variety of reasons. But the whole point is let's use
our communication first without just em lamenting some kind of a new rule or
restriction or... -We need to honor them as adults. -Yes. -Honor their choices. Hopefully,
we have interacted such that they that we can trust them. We need to give them
our trust and say you know, I trust that you're going to figure this out. -That you'll
make good decisions for you. -"I'm here, I'd love to... You know, ask any questions
you've got. You know, I'm... Good luck." But.. I'll honor your choices. -In a positive,
pleasant way at that point. And now, we've opened up the communication. It's okay
and appropriate to set new boundaries and limits. New expectations really for
the relationship. And this is an empowering thing that your child can
experience as a young adult to hear, "Now that you're an adult, we trust you to
take better care of yourself. We're happy to make a room available to
you at this cost." If that works better for you, than moving out." Now, you're
starting to transition into it. And you do it in a positive Pleasant way that
includes a lot of communication. -Can I... Can I just say that you have to be
really, really honest with yourself too? And open. -Thank you, yeah. -As a mom, I like
to provide things for my kids. I like to do things. I like to make it easy on them.
-Yeah. -And that is really something I have to become very aware of. As my kids have
grown, I've realized that I jump in and do a lot of things without communicating
and finding out if they even wanted it at first. And that's where that
communication. So, I think just be very open and aware that part of the
concept of failure to launch might rest on my own shoulders as a mom. -Right. You
know, so just be aware of that and be willing to look at that. -Usually your
kids want to successfully launch. So, we want to empower that and give them an
opportunity to stretch a little bit and to grow. There are many bird species who
as they're little fledglings get to a certain age and stage of development, the
mom will start plucking the fluff from the
nest and tossing it out. And it starts to get prickly in there and it starts to
get a little less comfortable. -Yeah. -And that's okay. You can start to
unlock the nest a little bit. You know what I'm talking about, don't you? -Uh-huh.
Because you have your own ideas already. What you could do to add fluffed the
nest. -Oh, I was working with a mom who was
still her son was I think 28, 29 years old still living at home. Kind of a
failure to launch sort of a situation. She was still making 3 meals a day
and doing his laundry. Now, that's a pretty fluffy nest. Why would he want to
leave that nest? Right? So... And she doesn't do it in a mean sort of way. That's not
what I'm saying. But for her to acknowledge and honor him as an adult, I
can see her approaching him and saying, "Sweetie, I have done you a disservice. I
have been trying to mother you when really you're an adult. You're a
competent, accomplished young man. I will no longer interfere with your laundry." I
can just see that played out. Okay? And he's going to be like, "What? Hold on. What
just happened?" Right? But she's being pleasant and positive. Clicking the
picking the fluff out of the nest. -Uh-huh. -Right? -Right. -It just became a
little less comfortable for him. And that's fine. -Yeah. -That is totally fine.
Parenting continues to be an adventure even when your kids become adults. We've
got a lot of resources available for you at the Parenting Power-Up. If you haven't
checked it out yet, we invite you with open arms to join our positive conscious
parenting community. ParentingPowerUp.com. Come join us.