(upbeat rock music)
- Am I the ass (beep) for asking my boyfriend
to stop emulating Winnie the Pooh?
Let's hop into it.
So this conflict came up recently
because I, 24 year old woman,
moved in with my boyfriend, 25 year old man.
The issue is that he has started
walking around the apartment
and spending most of his days completely bottomless,
dick out with just a shirt on.
He calls this "Winnie the Pooh-ing."
(goofy music)
- So it's just whatever he's doing,
like getting milk out of the fridge?
- We're just like, woo!
It's like a Tom and Jerry scream.
It's like, oh my God!
Squats.
- Squats, oh. - His workout.
- He's just teabagging the floor every time.
(Shayne laughing)
- [Shayne] It's part of the workout!
She's like, that looks like it hurts!
He's like, no, the pain is good.
- [Ian] No, it's a little cold on the floor,
so right when I hit it, I just wanna spring back up.
(Shayne laughing)
- He told me he started it during work from home,
because he thought it was funny to be on Zoom
and just not have pants on.
I'll be honest, it makes me a little uncomfortable
for him to just constantly have his penis out
in front of me,
so I have requested he just wear boxers at least.
So she asked him to just put on boxers.
- Yeah - Which is pretty fair ask.
She's saying, "Hey Josh," we're gonna call him Josh.
Josh, I'm tired of seeing your dick all the time.
You don't have to put on pants.
- Yeah. - Just put on some boxers.
There's still room to breathe.
- No. - They're not gonna compress.
- [Ian] Nope, sorry babe.
- [Shayne] They're not gonna cramp your style.
- [Ian] Nope, sorry babe.
It's just, it's not the same, you know?
I need that breeze, you know, it gets gets real.
I mean, do you really want a swamp situation?
- [Shayne] Josh, there's not gonna be a swamp.
It's a pair of boxers. - Do you want me to swamp?
- [Shayne] They're like they're sails
on a beautiful Spanish ship, that's what boxers are.
- [Ian] I promise I won't go full mast, babe.
I promise. - No, I know you can't.
I know you won't, you never do.
That's right, I said it.
- [Ian] Said what?
- [Shayne] I said you, your (laughs) penis is not good.
- [Ian] Oh.
(Shayne laughing)
- [Shayne] Sorry, this one really (beep) up.
- Well, maybe, I kind of imagined that like
if he actually did put on the boxers,
it would kind of be like the Paul Rudd scene
from "Wet Hot American Summer."
Just he's you just like, oh. (grunting)
He just puts it up on one leg.
(Shayne laughing)
He puts it on one leg and, and then she's like-
- [Shayne] Josh, you have to put the other leg in.
(Ian grunts) Josh.
Josh.
Oh, stop being a baby.
- He goes up halfway to his knees
and he's like, is this enough for you?
- No! - Is that enough for you?
- [Shayne] Josh, put the boxers on!
- Okay, fine! - Put 'em on!
- All right. - Put your goddamn boxers on!
- [Ian] But I'm leaving the fly open!
- No!
I have a feeling this guy's gonna go back to work pantsless.
I think that's what's gonna happen.
- Where is this guy working at?
- Well, he definitely works at Dick's Sporting Goods.
One thing I always like that they do
at Dick's Sporting Goods is as soon as I walk in
there's like a Walmart greeter.
It's just a kind of greasy, slightly drunk dad.
He's just like welcome to Dick's.
Nice cock!
(Ian and Shayne laughing)
They just have that guy there.
- I think more stores should use drunk dad greeters.
(Shayne laughing) Because, I honestly like,
I would be more comfortable with a drunk dad greeter
than like an old person.
- [Shayne] Welcome to Orange Theory. (grunts)
He's just drinking a Bud Light.
- [Ian] He's got like the vodka sweats going on.
- [Shayne] Yeah, it's just like, he's struggling.
He's like, (slurps) all right. (groans)
All right, have a good time. (slurps)
Yeah, my wife hasn't talked to me in a while.
- Oh. - And he just says that,
and you kind of stand there awkward like-
- [Ian and Shayne] Ah, man, man that's, ah, that sucks.
- I don't know.
And there's bees out in this world and wasps.
- There's bees and wasps.
- Bees and wasps and if there's one thing
that bees hate the most, it's dicks.
They go for that, it's their prime enemy.
- Oh yeah.
- [Shayne] If you have your penis out
and there's a bee around,
it's gonna be like, there's a dick!
I gotta (beep) get that dick.
So am I ass (beep) for not wanting
to constantly look at my boyfriend's penis?
I'm gonna say she is not the ass (beep).
- [Ian] Hmm.
- I think him having his pants off completely
and dick out in Zoom calls, I think that's uncomfortable.
I don't think that's- - Yeah.
- I know it's work from home, it's over the internet.
I do think that's not right.
I think he's a bad person for that.
I do, I think Satan's down in Hell
and he's watching that and he's going, hmm,
might have a case here.
Gotta work on it, gotta consult with all of the lawyers
that have ever existed. - Nice.
- Nice, see what I did there?
There's one lawyer watching this going, wait oh.
- [Shayne] What the hell?
I'm a public defender.
That one lawyer who loves Smosh,
he's like, hey, what the (beep)!
I've been subscribed forever!
You gonna say? - I'm gonna go to hell?
I'm gonna sue them for defamation.
- [Shayne] I'm gonna sue you guys!
You guys need to do "Food Battle" again.
(Shayne and Ian laughing)
- Um.
- Wait, what are your thoughts?
(Ian sighing)
- She's not the ass (beep) here, no way.
No way!
- Okay, if you're her though, 'cause we gotta resolve this.
What would you do if you were her?
How would you go about convincing him to wear pants?
- I'd invite his parents over to dinner,
but I wouldn't tell him,
and then parents would walk through the door.
Yeah, what if they came in
and they also "Winnie the Pooh-ing?"
(goofy music)
Now I see where he gets it from.
(Shayne and crew laughing)
I don't think we should be the ones
to decide who's the ass (beep).
Let us know in the comments,
who you think is the ass (beep).
Or you know, if you have any other sort of methods
of how you would put pants on.
- But there is one ass (beep) in this story,
and it's his ass (beep), 'cause it's out.
And if there's any "Am I the Ass (beep)?" stories you love
please send them our way
and we will read them here and we will dramatize them.
- Hmm.
Whether you like it or not.
See you next time, goodbye.