-Hey, everyone! Thank you very, very much.
And welcome to "The Tonight Show."
Let's get to the news and jokes.
Well, guys, this morning,
the Commission on Presidential Debates,
which I'm assuming is just a bunch of guys with
bird masks and butt paddles, made a big announcement
about the next presidential debate.
Listen to this.
-The commission just announcing that the next debate
will be entirely virtual as the president still battles COVID.
The candidates will participate from separate remote locations.
-Yeah, a virtual debate...
with two guys in their 70s and a moderator in his 60s.
I'm sure that'll run real smooth.
And to make it even more annoying,
they're going to have Trump and Biden
chomp on baby carrots while they talk.
[ Chomping ]
A virtual debate with Trump?
Come on. How great would that be?
It's like, "Melania, what's the Wi-Fi password?"
[ Slovenian accent ] 1, 2, 3, 4 --
same as nuke codes."
[ Normal voice ] Yeah, a virtual debate seems like a safe idea.
During a phone call this morning on "Fox Business,"
Trump was asked about it, and here's what he had to say.
-The CPD, the Commission on Presidential Debates,
announcing this morning
that the second presidential debate will be virtual.
Are you saying you're not going to participate?
-Yep, Trump says he won't waste time.
Then he went back to chatting on Fox Business for 55 minutes.
55 minutes.
Halfway through, Maria Bartiromo texted
the hosts of "Fox & Friends" like,
"How do you make him stop?"
Seriously, the call was so exhausting,
Maria went online and booked four days at Walter Reed.
After Trump stated that he would not "waste his time,"
Joe Biden announced that he was
backing out of the debate, as well.
It's like a group text.
Once one person bails on brunch,
the floodgates open, and everybody jumps ship.
They're like, "Uh, I got something, too.
Yeah, yeah. Sorry. Well, I forgot about that."
It's too bad for the people who were going to speak
at the town hall, 'cause they were
really looking forward to having their questions
ignored on national television.
Anyway, back to Trump's phone call.
Maria asked the president how he's doing,
and it was clear that Trump is having a tough time
staying in quarantine.
Listen to this.
-A rally? He's actually considering that?
Trump's aides were like, "You got it, boss,"
then put him in a room with 5,000 cardboard cutouts.
Later in the interview,
Trump had a sound bite that I found very interesting.
Check this out.
-[ As Trump ] Whaaat?
Wha...
I've never felt better.
My body is a finely tuned Swiss clock.
Everything is in perfect working order.
[ Normal voice ] "So happy you're better."
[ As Trump ] Whaaat?
[ Normal voice ] Trump suddenly turned into every grandpa
when you ask how they're feeling.
"What?"
Also, minor detail -- there's no such thing
as being immune to COVID.
After he said that, Dr. Fauci poured himself
a big antibody cocktail minus the antibody.
Towards the end of the interview,
Maria had a question about Trump's current COVID status,
and he gave her a pretty interesting answer.
Listen to this.
-You're feeling good. Have you been tested recently?
Can you tell us anything else about your condition?
-Essentially?
This is kind of a binary situation.
You either have COVID or you don't.
Doctors don't say, "Good news.
You don't have COVID anymore... more or less.
Per se."
That's not very comforting.
You don't see a celebrity coming out of rehab like, "All good.
I'm essentially clean."
Well, guys, last night was, of course,
the big vice-presidential debate between
Mike Pence and Kamala Harris,
and everyone's still talking about it
because a fly actually landed on Pence's head.
Watch this. -Yes.
-It's a great insult to the men and women
who serve in law enforcement.
-Part of a pattern of Donald Trump's.
He was...
-At that point, every American was like,
"Is that on him or on my TV?"
You know vice-presidential debates are boring
when a fly shows up and the entire Internet loses its mind.
Meanwhile, a bunch of other flies off-camera were like,
"Oh, my God.
I can't believe you actually did it!
You're a legend, dude!
Epic!
I can't believe you did it!"
Kamala Harris was probably sitting there thinking,
"I've been strong and commanding,
and all anyone is going to be talking about
is that stupid fly."
Yeah, that was a tough moment for Pence,
although it's still not as bad as
the last vice-presidential debate,
when a barn owl attacked Tim Kaine.
Yep, Pence had a rough night.
As if the fly wasn't bad enough, people also noticed
there was something going on with his eyeball.
Look at his eye.
Yeah, he's the head of the Coronavirus Task Force.
Not really a great look when
you're covered in bugs and bleeding out of your eye.
Yep, last night's debate was an epic battle
between side-eye and red-eye.
It's a tough break for Pence.
It's hard to shake the reputation of being robotic
when you show up looking like the Terminator.
Also, can you believe Kamala Harris
had to stare at that for 90 minutes?
As if she wasn't under enough pressure,
she had to debate the Bond villain with the leaky eye.
[ As Le Chiffre ] Be very careful, Mr. Bond.
[ Normal voice ] People are worried about Pence
because pinkeye is a possible symptom of coronavirus.
Even scarier, today,
Pence's temperature shot all the way up to 84.6.
Well, a lot of people also noticed that Pence
kept interrupting Harris, but she wasn't having it.
Watch this.
-This is important, and I want to add --
-Susan, I have to weigh in here.
-Mr. Vice President, I'm speaking.
-I have to weigh in. -I'm speaking.
...raise taxes on anybody who makes less than $400,000 a year.
-He said he's going to repeal the Trump tax cuts.
-Mr. Vice President, I'm speaking.
-Well -- -I'm speaking.
If you don't mind letting me finish,
we can then have a conversation, okay?
-Please. -Okay.
In 1864 --
-Well, I'd like you to answer the question.
-Mr. Vice President, I'm speaking.
I'm speaking. Okay?
[ Laughter, applause ]
-Compared to the presidential debate,
that wasn't too bad, although that's like comparing
a five-star restaurant to a Waffle House at 3:00 a.m.
That's right -- there were a lot of memorable moments
during the debate, and there are plenty of jokes to be made,
but if it's alright, I want to take a moment
to say something serious about democracy.
That okay?
-You asking me? I mean, it's your show, man.
You can do whatever you want.
-America is at an inflection point right now.
And we, as a nation, have to come together to make a choice.
-[ Laughs ] Um, Jimmy, you got something on your, uh...
-This country needs to ask itself some hard questions,
like, "What is America?
Who is freedom?
And when is liberty?"
-That didn't even make -- You know what?
I don't care, man. Just keep doing your thing.
-So get out there
and be the change you want to see in the world.
-Jimmy...
-Uh, yeah? What's up, Tariq? Something you want to tell me?
-I just wanted to say that was beautiful.
-You trim your beard or something?
You look different.
-No, man.
There's a [bleep] squirrel on my head.
-Well, listen to this.
I saw that the governor of California
has a new recommendation for residents
to safely eat at restaurants during the pandemic.
-The governor's office tweeted out, saying,
when you're eating out at a restaurant,
to keep your mask on in between bites of food.
The tweet even shows an image of someone wearing a mask,
then not wearing a mask, taking a bite,
and then putting the mask back on again.
-So you have to pull your mask down.
You take a bite.
Then you put your mask back on, you chew, swallow, then repeat.
Or you could just fill your mask with food
and eat like a horse.
Even Donald Trump was like...
"Whaaat?"
This is interesting.
I saw that, starting in November,
Singapore will offer cruises to nowhere.
So they're basically just going to go out,
float, and come back.
So if you're tired of being cooped up at home,
try it in a smaller room that rocks back and forth.
Normally, if someone invites you on a cruise to nowhere,
you're like "Okay, cool.
I'm about to be murdered."
Seriously, I'm pretty sure "Cruise to Nowhere"
is the name of every "Dateline" episode.
"They had the perfect marriage.
Then they booked two tickets on a cruise...to nowhere."
Speaking of traveling,
I saw that hotels.com is offering a stay
in a pretty interesting destination.
-Hotels.com is offering a unique escape.
After casting your early ballot, you can enter a contest
to live under a rock during election week.
It's a man-made cave built 50 feet below ground.
-The website's great.
It's like, "Oh, we got a king-sized bed.
You got a Jacuzzi, mole people."
And, finally, a café in Prague is getting
a lot of attention for its new dessert.
Check it out.
-There's a café in Prague which is looking to, well,
lighten the mood amid a slump in business
because of the pandemic.
Owners debuted a dessert cake shaped
like the novel coronavirus in an effort to draw customers.
-Yeah, they're really into the whole theme.
When you order it, the server puts it in his mouth
and spits it back into yours like a baby bird.