-I have two girls, you have three boys, right?
-So, your life is easy now and will suck later.
And mine is hell now, because they are --
they just -- they harm each other.
-What are boys -- -What do they do?
They harm. We have to have -- and I'm not kidding you.
There's a no penis pulling rule.
[ Laughter ]
That's a hard and fast rule.
Penis pull-- Anybody pulls a penis --
-Pulling your own penis?
-No, penis -- You can pull your own penis.
[ Laughter ]
-Pulling other peoples' penis. -Jimmy.
Jimmy, they can pull their own penises,
but that's alone time, different conversation.
We've had that, too. -Okay, sorry. Yeah, okay.
I'm just -- I'm getting schooled right now.
Thank you. -It is all about --
There is so much violence, and you can't tell what's fun.
And, like, penis pulling used to be fun until then it's tears.
[ Laughter ]
And I was, like, hard pass on the penis pulling.
-A lot of people agree, it is very fun.
[ Laughter ]
-Not -- When you're in the bath, and they'll --
[ Screams ] And then someone's crying.
And I'm like, "All right, I don't have one.
I don't know what it feels like."
-Okay.
-"But I can guarantee it's a bad idea."
It always ends in tears, so it's no iPad.
-Oh.
-Hard no iPad for one week if anybody pulls a penis.
[ Snaps fingers ]
But, Jimmy, they are still idiots.
I have one -- Bless him. Blessings.
They don't watch late night.
[ Laughter ]
I come outside, and he goes, "Mom, watch, watch."
Okay, so, this is a great light, by the way.
So, like, let's say this is the swimming pool behind me.
And he goes, "Watch what I'm gonna do, Mom."
He goes like this, and I think,
"Oh, he's gonna do, like, the Nestea plunge, right?"
-Of course. -Remember, like, the, "Whee!"
'cause what else do you do from here,
into the pool that's back here?
What do you do?
Genius tries to dive through his own legs.
[ Laughter ]
-What?
-Skins his entire spine down. [ Audience oohs ]
Comes out, I mean, sobbing.
And I grab him and I go, "Listen, I'm your mother,
and I know you're not stupid,
but that was the stupidest thing I've ever seen!"
You're not allowed to say that they're stupid.
-No, of course not, no.
-But that action that you just took
and decided on your own was the dumbest thing.
- Dive through his own legs?
And how are the twins?
-Oh, they're goo-- Well, one of them is really chill and cool
and just really into, like, his hair.
And the other one doesn't give a damn about anything.
He lives, beat of his own drummer.
But, like, I walk out of the kitchen
and we have this long hallway and you turn
and there's like -- It's like "The Shining" with the twins.
This is it -- Not saying, "Hey, Mom come look," just --
This is in the hallway. -You turn around the corner,
and this is in the hallway. -For no reason whatsoever.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-I mean, that --
-But -- And that's Johnny. I love him so much.
-Yes. -But what the hell is he doing?
-That is frightening.
-Upside down. But this is his jam.
And I started thinking, he's always --
he does everything he can do upside down.
I started looking through old pictures, and I brought you one.
I hope you have it. I hope someone gave it to you.
At 1 1/2, watching TV with his brothers.
[ Laughter ]
-They're sitting normal.
-They're sitting normally.
They're also giving him full stink eye.
-Yeah, exactly.
-They're like, "Buddy, what are you doing on your head?"
He's watching TV... -Upside down.
-...upside down at not even 2 years old.
-But he's upping his game now. He does tricks now on his head.
-He does.
He's now into the stunt zone,
he and his genius twin brother.
The genius twin brother throws things at him,
and he catches them between his legs.
-I want to show --
-This is what happens when you stop the penis pulling,
by the way. -Okay.
I don't know what's worse, but watch this.
[ Audience ohs ]
-[ Laughs ] Catches!
That's fantastic.
He's a star! He's got something.
-I raised that. He does.
He's got something. He really does.
-You know what?
You know it would be weirder if you came
around the hallway and this was happening.
-Oh, my God.
That really is a horror movie. -That would be really scary.
[ Laughter ]
-So, they're good.
-So, the kids are good, yeah.
-They're good.
-Dude, you've got to go on the road and do a stand-up routine.
-About my kids being insane? -Yes, of course.
-But then they're gonna grow up and hate me.
-What do they do for Mother's Day?
Are they at that age where they give you anything,
like a rock or -- -Well, one time, they --
-I always give my mom a rock. -I tell you what I want.
I want them to give me a card. That's it.
A card. Write your mom a card.
Write your mom a nice card, because that's what she wants.
Maybe not those ones that you read earlier.
-No, no, yeah.
-But you write it, that's nice.
I don't want breakfast in bed. -No, I don't want that, either.
-They'll like give you, like, microwaved Cheerios.
-I'm uncomfortable doing that.
-And they, like, hand them to you, and they're like...
-And wait for you to eat the whole thing.
-They want me to eat it, And you're like, "Oh, God, no."
-Yeah, no, no. -"I'm not gonna eat this."
One year, they set the entire table.
They made me wait. They bring me in.
And it's got -- they've set it with every piece of cutlery,
everything in the house.
Everybody's got 22 forks and stuff.
And I sit down, and I'm like, "Oh, this is fun."
I go, "Okay."
And they sit down, they all look at me, and I go,
"I have to go cook breakfast, right?"
[ Laughter ]
I had to -- It was my job. -That's your job.
You're like, "Oh, no one made breakfast. Okay."
-They set the table. -They set the table for me.
-Big win. Big win.
-Big win for mom, yeah.
-And I'm just looking at it going like,
"There's 4,000 dishes to do after this."
-Yeah, of course, right. -No, it's horrible.