This is something we need to address.
We have an associate producer
on our show.
(audience gasps and laughs)
Wow, people got a problem with an associate producer.
Now I'm seeing a lot of this.
(audience laughs)
You're not gonna bring him up, are you?
(audience and Andy laugh)
We have an associate producer
on our show by the name of Jordan Schlansky, okay?
(audience applauds and cheers)
Yeah,
yeah.
Yeah, yeah,
he's kind of like your brother, yeah.
(audience laughs)
Joke's kind of funny until later on when you...
Anyway, this guy has worked for me for 26 years,
and I'm honest with you, I'm being so honest with you,
I still have no idea
what he does for my show. (audience laughs)
I've asked his direct superiors.
I've asked the people who work under him.
No one can say exactly what he,
do you know what he does?
[Andy] I don't.
No, no one-- [Andy] And really seriously,
we talk about it. Yeah.
Like, do you, like, there's someone who's gotta know.
[Conan] Someone's gotta know.
No one really knows what he does.
No one knows why he's here at our show,
and he's become kind of a legend,
and everywhere I go,
I can go anywhere in the world and people ask about Jordan.
Anyway, we wanted to revisit a fun moment.
Here's a remote we shot with Jordan back in 2013,
when, and this is all real,
I caught him.
I heard he was coming in to work late,
and I caught him coming in late to work
and we managed to get it all on camera.
Take a look.
(audience cheers)
I'm sitting in the office of Jordan Schlansky.
He's an associate producer at the show
and it's come to my attention recently
that on Fridays,
for some reason,
he doesn't come in 'til very late.
It is now 12:20, no Jordan Schlansky.
So, I'm sitting and I'm waiting for him.
'Cause I want to get to the bottom
of what the (beeps) Jordan does
every Friday.
He's got a Kaiser roll in a bag.
(audience laughs) Olive oil.
His own mini specialized pepper grinder.
(audience laughs)
Look at this, he's got a giant thing of Clorox wipes.
Now does this look like the office of someone
who's afraid of germs? (audience laughs)
Aloe fresh hydrating gel.
(Conan sighs) (audience laughs)
Espresso cups.
He's got two.
In case he ever makes a friend.
(Conan and audience laugh)
(clock ticking)
(audience gasps)
He's got the Death Squad commander in its box.
And a backup. (Conan and audience laugh)
Why would you?
Why would you have two?
These were supposed to go to a children's hospital
and he's hiding them in his office.
Oh, my God.
I'm curious.
Oh, of course. Cufflinks. (audience laughs)
For his wedding day.
(Conan laughs)
I'm gonna put these back.
I'm sure these are insured by Lloyd's of London.
If anyone ever wants to get Jordan a wedding present,
I believe he's a registered at Toys"R"Us.
(Conan and audience laugh)
(suspenseful music)
(audience laughs)
What's going on in here?
That's your reaction
when you come in here?
You just walk into your office.
Feels like an acceptable reaction to me.
Jordan, do you know what time it is?
12:30.
Actually, it's 12:50. (audience laughs)
It's come to my attention that you like to drift
in late on Fridays.
Okay.
Well, I work later on Fridays than a lot of people
and I feel like I'm able to adequately accomplish
what I need to in the time that I'm here.
I've prepared my daily task ahead of me already.
Your daily task?
What's your daily task, pour olive oil onto a Kaiser roll?
(audience laughs) Is that your daily task?
May I ask you, Jordan, what you were doing this morning?
Well, I woke up,
immediately had a protein shake,
I've been experimenting with oats and whey.
(Conan and audience laugh)
What d'you mean, experimenting with oats and whey?
Well, I was trying to avoid synthetic maltodextrin
which is derived from corn,
and I had read that oats is a good source
of complex carbohydrates when mixed with whey.
Can I ask you a quick question?
Yes. Are you wearing
your sunglasses while you're making the shake?
(audience laughs)
Would you like me to remove them?
What do you think would be the human thing?
You've studied humans on our planet
for a while. I'll happily remove them
if it makes you more comfortable.
[Conan] Okay.
You got up, you had your whey and oat shake.
Then what?
Then I prepared my body in various ways.
(audience laughs) I cleaned it, shaved it,
and got dressed-- What do you mean? Okay.
I want to make it very clear to everyone at home,
this is really happening. (audience laughs)
This is completely real.
This isn't scripted. (audience laughs)
He just said all those things.
This is a real person.
I'm sick of people asking me,
"How did you find that guy who writes this stuff?"
You just said that,
you just said, "I prepare my body in various ways."
Did you say you shaved it?
I did shave it.
Remove your shirt. (audience laughs)
Please. If you don't mind.
(audience whoops)
So, this is freshly shaved, this area?
Ah, no, I didn't say shave my chest.
I didn't say I shaved my entire body.
What part of your body did you shave?
My face.
Oh, just your face? (audience laughs)
Oh.
You shave down below? Down south?
I believe that's a private matter.
(audience laughs)
You just took your shirt off.
(audience laughs) You asked me to.
Well, I just asked you if you shave your,
your John Dory, do you? (audience laughs)
It's a private matter.
You draw the line there?
In terms of talking about my daily grooming rituals?
Yes. Yes.
Okay, you can put your shirt back on.
Thank you. Wait a minute.
Put the sunglasses on, but leave the shirt off.
(audience laughs and whoops)
Can I ask you why you have this
instead of just a regular packet of pepper?
That's a pepper mill.
Yeah.
I've never seen anything like this before,
why is it so small?
It allows me to use fresh pepper on the food that I eat
without taking up an inordinate amount of desk space.
Right, 'cause you you wouldn't want to clutter
your space. (audience laughs)
Why do you have these?
They were sent to me.
By who?
By a woman that I know.
A woman sent you these?
Correct.
The very definition of having this is proof
that you don't know a woman. (audience laughs)
Yes, I do.
You're not making eye contact with me.
Why would I?
(Conan laughs) Oh, God.
Is your intention to hang onto these
or to give them to a worthy children's charity?
Undecided.
(Conan and audience laugh)
I'd like to help you be on time from now on.
I think that that would be good for you.
So, we have some devices that might help.
Would this be helpful to you? (audience laughs)
This clock?
I don't see how.
You could have this at home
and it would tell you what time it is,
and then you would know,
"I should probably get to work."
My lack of awareness of the time is not responsible
for the hour that I arrive in the office.
I'd like you to hang this one in the office
and I'd like you to strap this one to your Vespa.
You'll be sort of the Italian douche bag
Flavor Flav. (audience laughs)
I also want you to know that you're being monitored
at all times by this camera.
I will constantly be monitoring that camera
to make sure that one of my workers
is a real busy bee.
Buzz, buzz. (audience laughs)
This is a good old fashioned timecard.
You are to punch in and punch out every day.
I've had this machine brought back.
Would you like to check in?
Yes.
I don't think the device works.
Try again.
You have to put it in the very center.
(machine clicks)
You know how I knew it was the very center?
No.
I've worked for a living. (audience laughs)
Ladies and gentlemen, Jordan Schlansky.
(audience applauds and cheers)
It's so nice to see you,
it's been 15 months and it's really,
this is the first time I'm seeing you in 15 months.
Yeah, that is correct. And it's good to see you.
Thank you, I've tried to remain of sound mind and body.
(audience laughs)
It's good to see you as well.
Yeah. You look well.
All right, all right.
For you, that was very good.
Yeah. (audience laughs)
I say enough with the chit-chat,
because I know from experience it won't go far
and I won't get much.
Jordan, I brought you out here for a reason.
Okay.
The reason I brought you out
is I am not leaving this theater
until you tell me one thing.
Uh huh. (audience laughs)
The question that has bedeviled me for many, many years.
(audience laughs) Okay.
The question, which I honestly,
honestly don't know the answer to,
and I'm being so honest with you right now.
What do you do for my show?
I have an assortment of tasks and responsibility--
(audience laughs) [Conan] No, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Okay.
That is, you've done that every time.
I am your boss.
I sign your paychecks.
You're going to tell me what you do
and why I pay you.
You pay me to complete the tasks
that are assigned to me.
[Conan] No, no.
I know ha, ha, ha, it's all fun and games.
But that's not my attitude,
I'm not kidding.
It's been 26 years.
Okay. 26 years.
I've paid you a lot of money.
I've kept you in lattes, and Vespas,
and Johnny Cash knockoff shirts.
(audience laughs)
You owe it to me to tell me
what you do on the show!
Well, first of all, the plural of latte is lattes.
(audience laughs) Secondly,
do you even want to know what I do on the show?
Because there's been this ongoing situation where
you supposedly don't understand what I do on the show--
I don't, it's not, I really don't!
And if that's true, that's your fault, not my fault.
[Audience] Oh! It's not my responsibility
to disclose what I do.
Nevertheless, if you would like me to bore everybody
by enumerating the things that I do on the show,
I am happy to do that.
Yes, I would love, yes! (audience cheers)
Yes!
Yes,
yes!
Jordan, go ahead and tell us
what the fuck you do on the show!
Okay, so basically on a daily basis, first--
(dramatic music)
[Announcer] This is CNN Breaking News.
Good evening, I'm Jake Tapper,
and we're interrupting this broadcast
for some important breaking news.
Two weeks ago at the Detroit Grand Prix,
a squirrel dramatically cheated death
when it jumped out of the path of a speeding Indy car.
As you can see from this non-exclusive footage,
the squirrel leapt out of harm's way
at the last possible second.
The squirrel is fine,
but we'll keep you updated if its condition changes.
I'm Jake Tapper,
we now return to your regularly scheduled program.
(dramatic music)
[Announcer] This is CNN Breaking News.
That's basically what I do.
Okay, I get it now.
Thank you, Jordan. (audience applauds)
Incredible.
Ah?
No, both! Both!
C'mon, yeah! (audience cheers)
We have an amazing show,
Seth Rogen is here!
We will be right back.
(audience applauds) (piano music)