(English subtitles and timing by KimonoFlareonGX)
♪ He's gonna take you back to the past ♪
♪ To play the shitty games that suck ass ♪
♪ He'd rather have a buffalo take a diarhea dump in his ear ♪
♪ He'd rather eat the rotten asshole of a roadkilled skunk and down it with beer ♪
♪ He's the angriest gamer you've ever heard ♪
♪ He's the Angry Nintendo Nerd ♪
♪ He's the Angry Atari/Sega Nerd ♪
♪ He's the Angry Video Game Nerd ♪
Oh, another night, shitty games.
(bat flies into view) That's all I do is play shitty games! And I have so fuckin' many I'll probably be playin' 'till the dawn!
It's a sacrifice to the soul, and it's suckin' me dry. (thunder claps)
How appropriate. Because tonight, it's Dracula. And when it comes to Dracula games, most people instantly think of the Castlevania series.
But I'm going to delve into the fuckin' catacombs of hell.
(thunder claps)
Our first exhibit is "The Count" on the Vic-20.
And what the fuck is a Vic-20?
Well, It's an old Commodore computer from 1980. You thought the Commodore 64 was primitive? Well, check out the Vic-20.
Look at that cartridge. That's what you call a game.
Tryin' to jam the fucker in is a real bitch. Even worse than the Intellivision.
"It's like trying to stick your dick in a Cheerio."
The graphics are nonexistent because it's a text game.
It says "I see I was put to bed. It's afternoon and I overslept! What shall I do now?".
I'm gonna write "Get out of bed".
"Don't know what 'out' is. What shall I do now?".
"Wake up."
"Don't know how to 'wake' something."
I dunno what to tell it, but I have the instructions, and it gives you some suggestions of words you can use.
So, let's try "Climb".
"Can't do that...yet!".
Oh, so you're teasin' me!
"Go".
"I also need a direction."
"Go right".
"Don't know what 'right' is."
"Go left".
"Don't know what 'left' is."
"Eat pillow".
"Yuck!"
Okay, so I ate the pillow? I didn't expect that.
"Get up".
"I'm in a bedroom. Closed window. Brass bed. North."
Uh... okay?
Uh, "Go north"?
"What shall I do now?"
Okay, so I went north? What did that do?
"Go east"?
"OK. What shall I do now?"
"Go east again"?
"Use one or two words only!"
Oh, okay. I'll give you two words: "Fuck you!"
"Don't know how to 'fuck' something".
(Facepalm. Apply directly to the forehead.)
(sigh) Next up, Dracula on the Intellivision.
What's cool about this game is that you actually play as Dracula.
Now, I'm tryin' it out on the Intellivision II.
It's basically just a redesigned model, which you think would be an improvement, but what in the holy mother of ass is this?!
If the old Intellivision had a simple plug, why's the newer model have a big, fatass AC adapter?
(Geez. Box plugs on older consoles are the pits. Trust me.)
Anyway, you leave your grave and you go around, suckin' people's blood, which is kinda cool.
Dracula has a big mouth, like Pac-Man.
The only thing you can't kill are wolves and the police who throw wooden stakes.
You can turn into a bat and fly away, but then a vulture comes after you.
And the only way to kill the police is to transform people into zombies and send them after.
But to control the zombie, you have to pick up the other controller while controlling Dracula at the same time!
So, it's like "Raiders of the Lost Ark". You really need a second player.
The instruction manual text is pretty funny.
"You say you're always thirsty, Count Dracula? The police harass you and birds and animals are unfriendly and you're allergic to the sun? Well, my man, I'd say you've got some *grave* problems."
Who would call Dracula "my man"?
Next, we have "Drac's Night Out" on the NES.
Now this game was never released. So what I'm holding is a rare reproduction cartridge, which is the only way it can be played.
It was also a big promotion for sneakers. The "Reebok Pumps".
You play as Dracula trying to leave his castle in the middle of the night to find his lady love Mina.
There's a bunch of villagers who kill Dracula by simply touching him. I dunno what kinda sense that makes.
But your only method of attack is waving a medallion or shaking some object. I really don't know what it's supposed to be.
But if you use it on someone, it hypnotizes them.
It may seem simple, but you don't always have this item. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. I think it has something to do with the blood meter, but I really don't know.
So you can't count on it most of the time.
So you have to flick switches which either control barriers to block your enemies, or activate traps.
Rolling balls, Frankenstein monsters, ghosts, or dropping chandeliers.
So you need a lotta strategy to use these traps at the right time.
When you stun people, you can suck their blood, and I think you can turn into a bat, but I've never seen it happen.
But your only real powerups are the Reebok Pumps.
They let you run faster and jump higher.
You *really* need to get these shoes, because without them, you get your ass handed to ya.
That's what I call a powerup, and that's what I call a promotion.
Reebok Pumps. You ain't shit without it. Pump it up and air it out.
The game also has a time limit, which is a real pain in the ass.
If you get stuck on the stairs, you're dead. You can't drop down or you die, so those stairs are your worst enemy.
Fuck.
Ffffuck!
Even though it pisses me off, I can't really complain, because this game was never released.
It's like somebody took a shit and buried it, and someone else decided to dig it up. It's like, whaddya expect?
All right, on the Game Boy Color, let's try out "Dracula: Crazy Vampire".
What kinda title is that? We know Dracula's a vampire and he's crazy. Sure.
(Hey, this music sounds familiar...)
Nerd: Sounds like "Phantom of the Opera".
(Coincidence? I think NOT!)
Nerd: ...which sounds like Pink Floyd.
(I feel like listening to Pink Floyd right now.)
Anyway, it's a typical overhead action exploration game. Yeah, there's not really much to say.
What's Dracula's deal? He's got a big head, and his face, he's like "Duh!".
It's kinda redundant, and there's no map, so I really don't know where I'm s'posed to go. Just goin' around throwin' bats at dogs.
That's real creative.
Okay, now let's go for "The Count's Countdown". Yeah, from Sesame Street.
You get an option to hop or run, which is really weird.
If you pick "hop", that's all you can do; just hop your way through the whole stage.
(The Nerd's favorite running gag incoming) I've never heard of something like that!
Imagine if in "Super Mario Bros.", if you had a choice where you can only run or jump.
So you pick a number and The Count starts talkin'.
The Count (in game): Ha ha ha! Find ten!
Man, that's weird.
So you gotta go around and find the same number, or things that add up to that number.
(Ha ha ha!) So, when you finish *that*, you go up in the clouds and you have to hit the blocks 'till the numbers come up, and then you hit the bell. (Ding!)
(Got it! Ha ha ha!) That's about the extent of that. Why am I playing this?
Okay, so this is "Bram Stoker's Dracula" on the NES.
It's based on the Coppola movie by the same name, just as much as the movie is based on the novel, I suppose.
I guess you're s'posed to be Keanu Reeves. (Whoa.)
What's this? Blocks with question marks? Right outta "Super Mario Bros."?
Yeah, even the stages are kinda similar.
Only seconds into the first level, I come to a wall. There's nowhere to go! I tried jumping down, but that doesn't work. So I had to fuck about until I found out you're supposed to do this ground stomp thing!
Yeah, by jumping in the air and hitting down! Why the fuck do ya gotta do that?!
The music is just a scrambled mess of 8-bit chaos.
(What the hell is up with this music...?)
(All right, I've heard enough.)
I've made it to the first incarnation of Dracula. A shadow that emerges from the wall.
There's not enough time to hit him. You can either get outta the way or try to attack.
Most of the time, I can only hit him when he's going the other way.
He's just a pain in the ass.
Next, we have another "Bram Stoker's Dracula ". This game was released on both the Super Nintendo and Sega Genesis.
Both versions are pretty much the same.
Your sword is a joke. It's about as effective as a butter knife.
The gameplay's pretty simple. It's your average platformer. You wander all around fighting a boring array of enemies and search the place for an exit.
But you can't go in the exit until you find some strange old man who thinks about a weapon. Then you can go find that weapon or head straight to the exit.
What's that all about? He thinks of a weapon? Can you read minds? Why doesn't he just give you the weapon and say "Here. Now go to the exit."? It doesn't even tell you that part.
The bosses are senseless. The first one has this gravitational pull that sucks you toward him.
There's no strategy. You'll never be able to get close enough to attack him and avoid him at the same time, so the only thing that makes sense is to stand right next to him and just keep hitting him and hope that he dies before you do!
The strangest enemy I've noticed is this green plant thing. It just looks like something's wrong.
When I saw another one, I figured out what it is.
Y'see? They're s'posed to be comin' outta the walls.
What's this shit? It looks like it's suspended in the air! Were they too lazy to just flip it around?
What I really fuckin' hate are these goddamn spears.
Aw, eff- I mean, fuck! (Way for the Nerd to "correct" himself.)
How the hell am I s'posed to get past these things?! There's no fuckin' pattern!
Your only hope is to dodge the first one, then just run through it. In most games, when you get hit, you're invincible for a brief moment. But here, you have no recovery time!
You just take damage until you die, and it can drain all your life in one fast combo.
Fuck!
Game Over? That's it?
Overall, it's a mediocre platformer game, and a cheap exploitation of the Coppola movie.
Wait, who's this? Fred Fudge... Fred Fucks? (another favorite of the Nerd!)
Fred Fucks?!
Fred Fucks!
Oh, my God, Fred Fucks!
Oh, my God, it's Fred Fucks.
Oh ho ho hoh, Fred Fucks...! (I know it's Fuchs, but whatevs.)
Okay, one more. Now, really. This could go on forever. "Bram Stoker's Dracula" on the Sega CD.
I already commented on this game in my Sega CD review, but it's just so bad.
It has impressive graphics for its time. And it has all these cutscenes where it shows clips from the movie. But it's so badly pixelated and it's pointless.
There's also this guy with a pipe reading a book. Why?
I actually did manage to get to Dracula, at least in his first form, and he looks just as laughable as he did in the movie.
But the most ridiculous part is when you die.
"Arrrgh!"
Arrrgh!
What the hell? Is that clip even from the movie? I dunno, maybe it's from "Bill and Ted".
"Arrrgh!"
The game looks amazing for its time, but the control is what kills it.
It's so awkward trying to jump. You fall through shit and the attacks are so delayed.
It's impossible to turn around and hit your enemies before they hit you. You just wish you had a whip, or a sword, or something. I mean, not your bare hands!
All you get is this stupid little kick to kick the fuckin' rats!
Yeah, that's all that is! It's just rats and bats!
How many fuckin' games need to have bats?! Like seriously, I know it's Dracula, BUT WHY DO SO MANY GAMES HAVE SO MANY FUCKIN' BATS?!
Seriously, I. Fucking. Hate. Bats!
(The "Nerdula" bites down on the toy bat and beatdown ensues.)
Oh... I'm sick of it all! Morning sun, vanquish me! (growls in pain)
(Please keep the subtitles as clean as possible without them looking like a mess. Thank you!)