♫He's gonna take you back to the past!♫
♫To play the shitty games that suck ass!♫
♫He'd rather have....♫
♫A Buffalo...♫
♫take a diarrhea and dump in his eeaaarrr♫
♫He'd rather eat......♫
♫The rotten asshole....♫
♫Of a road killed skunk♫
♫Then, down it with beer!!!♫
♫He's the angriest gamer you've ever heard.♫
♫He's the Angry Nintendo Nerd..♫
♫He's the Angry Atari, Sega Nerd....♫
♫He's the Angry,♫
♫Video Game..♫
♫Neeeeerrrrrrdd!!!!♫
So many bad games to talk shit about....
One of them I get a lot of requests for is: Zelda II The Adventure of LINK
Really? That's a bad game?
I thought that it was pretty good! I mean LOOK at it, it's GOLD!
But it's a mixed opinion kind of thing. Some people loved it and some people hated it.
With the first Zelda, I think everyone agrees, it's a masterpiece. Sure maybe there's a weird stuff in it. I don't why one of the labyrinths is shaped like a swaztika...
Or why the enemy names are so random? What do you call that? A Rabbit's Head?
Wrong, A Pols Voice?
What's that? A Mummy?
A Gibdo
What's that? A Ghost?
Ghini
What's that? Well it's kind of "Like... Like...."
(Ping Pong Ping Pong)
WHAT? It's called a Like Like?!
Yeah, I'm not making this up. This is all coming straight from the manual
What do you call that? A snake?
Wrong, it's called "Rope"
Yeah, really. If you can't tell the difference between a snake and a rope
YOU'RE in trouble...
What's that? A bat?
No, it's "Keese"
What do you call the keys then? BATS?
What's that? A Knight?
A Darknut
Well, then what's that? uhh... I uhh.. Geiger Councilman?
Oh, a rock....
What's that? A spider?
A "Tektite"
Now what the fuck is a Tektite?!
Is that even a real word? Let me look it up...
Yeah, it is Tektite...
Yeah, ooorr a spider....
Well fuck!
Let's move on to Zelda II
It's been a while since I played this. Is it good? Is it bad? Let's get to the bottom of it and see how well it holds up today...
Well, the overhead world does kinda suck
Everything looks like a block, Link is so miniscule and looks like little gnarled green turd
But also, he manages to be larger than the houses
How does that explain when he walks in to the town, does he shrink in size?
Well then again, how does Link carries so many items with him? It's not important, it's a fantasy world where nothing makes sense.
The most common generic criticism I heard, is that the game is a side scroller. For the most part.
And none of the other Zelda games were like that.... Well think back when the first came out
There were only TWO Zelda games
One was an overhead view and the other was a side scroller, mostly
So there is no real standard yet...
The annoying part is that you can't fight anything on the overhead view.
These generic cookie cutter enemies popped out of nowhere and if they touch you, it brings you to a short battle screen.
This is a good chance to rack up on experience points
But most of the time, you're just trying to get from one place to the next, and you have to keep stopping to fight these bastards
The enemies you fight and layout depend on where you got caught
If you caught on the grassy field, or in the middle of the woods, it's always different.
You might get swarmed with enemies, or you might have so easy, there's no point at all..
Like here.... All I got to do is dodge these fuzzy fuck-butts and leave.
It gets old quick. But...
if you think about it, it's not as bad as Final Fantasy VI that is "III" on the Super Nintendo
Here, you can't even see what hits you
That's as random as you can get. But hey, that was a great game.
I know a lot of RPGs like that...
but I guess that was not most gamers expected from the Zelda game.
There's no Ganon either. Or not at least until you die
Well this is the only direct sequel to the original game, Zelda is in a sleeping spell
And Ganon is being killed. Turned into red ash.
Now supposedly, the other villains are trying to resurrect him by using the blood of Link
Similar to the hammered Dracula films where they always mix somebody's blood into Dracula's ashes.
So it's kinda disappointing that the only time you see Ganon... is when the game's over.
Not to mention, what's that look like?
Could he possibly be holding a sword in a more suggestive position?
The object to the game is going to towns, learn magic spells, go in palaces.
In each palace, you'll find a new item and defeat a boss.
I heard some rumor if you defeat the boss before getting the item, the palace will turn into rock and you'll won't be able to get the item.
But as far as I'm concerned that's not true at all. The palace turns into rock after you complete everything.
One thing that I can say is that game is hard as shit....
I think we can all agree with that. That doesn't mean the game is bad. Challenge is a good thing.
But the challenge is should be given to the player in increments.
Meaning, a game should gradually get harder as it progresses.
And that's what Zelda II dropped the ball.
(Ganon troll laugh)
The first two levels are pretty easy.
But then it hits you to death mountain.
HOLY FUCK! It's the most difficult part of the game and there's no fucking around.
You gotta right through it early on...
these red lizard dudes were on SUPER steroids. Even if you manage to jump over them, they throw their axe!
UGHNN!! SHIT!
What the hell am I going?!
URGH! Goddamn!
Should have they put this part on the end of the game?
I mean what could be more dangerous than DEATH MOUNTAIN?!
They GOT it all mixed up!
That's not to say the later stages aren't hard. But by then, you gain more health, your sword stronger and you have all kinds of helpful magic spells to get through.
But here, you're like a 4 year old trying to fight Hulk Hogan. So before you can even try to face Death Mountain. You have to go...
mess about, fight random enemies, get EXP points, and power up all your shit.
You gotta get the "P-bags"
What are P-bags anyway? Piss bags?
That's right! Link collects bags of piss.
And either one you're all powered up.
You're lucky if you get through Death Mountain.
And the fun doesn't stop there. You get the hammer, break the blocks (rocks) and look for the secret grave that leads to level 3.
Just to get punished some more.
UGH! Piece of dog shit!!
(Ganon troll laugh.)
HUH HUH HAHA HA. FUCK YOU!
Back at the beginning. Oohh that's nice.
Now I gotta walk all the way back to the palace.
In every other Zelda game if you died in one of the palaces or labyrinths or dungeons or whatever.
It will start you at the entrance.
But HERE they decided: FUCK YOU! YOU DIE, YOU GO ALL THE WAY BACK TO SQUARE ONE!
ASSHOLES!!
Of course, I have to mention the towns...
it's so peaceful.
Yeaaahh, you need a break from all that madness.
But the townspeople aren't really that helpful...
Why even include a character in the game that has nothing to say?!
Most famous is THIS guy....
Well...
maybe that's just his name that's all.
Maybe it's pronounced Eeerror.
In each town, there's a woman that restores your health
she invites Link inside. And you never see what's happening in there.
Is she giving you a potion? Is she performing a magic spell?
No, we all know what's really happening.
Link is like, y'know getting a little the old "in-out, in-out."
I mean, this isn't little boy Link anymore. He's grown up now.
He learns all these special moves like the down thrust, the up thrust, and there he learns the cunt thrust.
Yeaahh, that should be the name of the band!
But, really? Link deserves to get some because of all this hell he goes through, he's not gotta get any from Zelda!
Well... Then again, she's in a sleeping spell.
What was Link doing there in the first place?
Oooooohhhhh noooo...
Link's a pound hound!
In other thing, what's fun about the towns:
Is that you can jump on the roof.
Yeeaaahhh, that's fun!
Watch this! I'm gonna turn into a fairy
wait... that's not supposed to happen.
Maybe I shouldn't have done that.
What the hell?
Glitch Green Goblin: Hunn! Glitches! You like 'em?!
Salty Nerd: Nooooooo
AVGN: Let's see if I go up here and turn into a fairy...
I FELL THROUGH THE FLOOR?!
Jamming Green Goblin: I fell through the floor!
Through the floor
Even Salty Nerd: I DON'T WANNA GO THROUGH THE FLOOR!
But then what do you expect when you turn into a fairy when you're high?
High up and high on drugs. Either way, you see glitches.
(Link stabbing a fuck ball)
AVGN: Do these skulls ever die?!
(continues stabbing like hell)
You'll kill your thumbs faster than you kill this thing.
Oohh! Thank god!
Tell me this: why does Link get hurt by BUBBLES?!
What kind of pussy is he?
You gotta fight some wizard, but he's impossible.
Unless you gotta get the magic reflect spell to some guy in town.
But before he'll give you the spell you have to rescue some little kid.
Oh look at that, I don't know why but I find that very funny. I mean that's great.
Somebody would make a T-Shirt of that
It's like every time Link finds something, he has to hold it up.
Imagine having him as a friend.
Hey Link, have you see the uhhh.. remote control for the TV?
(Link's got a remote controller!)
Oh! Cool! You found it!
Okay.
Yeah, you can put that down.
Some of the items are disappointing.
The candle for instance it automatically lights up the dark areas in the caves.
But wasn't it more fun when the candle used to shoot fire
right in the old man's face!
The Flute doesn't do the same thing either.
Here you use to get to pass this huge spider and open level 6.
But how are you supposed to guess that?
In the first game, it was for transportation.
What the fuck?!
Oh, and I hate these horse heads.
The way he move up and down. It reminds me of Medusas in the Castlevania games.
Yeah, anything with a pattern like that
these games gave so much stress as a kid,
I developed a psychological complex.
Whenever I see wavy lines, I get fucking pissed!
Sometimes I tried to cheat, I turn into a fairy and flied around.
I know it's really stupid. But if you're gonna cheat. You might as well be a fairy while you at it.
It doesn't work that great anyway. You never had enough magic to do it,
and there's a wall. DAMN!
You fight the dragon, go through a cave, and knock down some trees with a hammer to find a hidden town.
In this town, you get a spell, try using the spell, and the only thing you'll find is that it changes some of the enemies.
But unlike the rest of the spells in the game, this one has a secondary function.
There's a certain spot that seemed like a dead end.
You use the spell here, and it makes the temple come out of the ground!
How are you supposed to know all that unless you read Nintendo Power?!
The townspeople don't help that much, they might as well just say:
Yeah, it's classic hidden cryptic Nintendo Horse Shit!
I always hated this part too.
These guys peeked their head out over of a fence like Tinder Tool man's neighbor and throw rocks.
THAT'S CHILD'S STUFF, I mean c'mon! THROWING ROCKS?!
Once you make it to the last level, you could actually restart there if you die.
So FINALLY, the game gives us a little mercy!
But if you don't have any extra lives, it doesn't matter.
You gotta save up all your "free guys."
Yeah all those mini Links you find throughout the game, save those fuckers up you'll need it everyone of them.
Then you fight the Thunder Bird and finally DARK LINK!
Sometimes referred to Shadow Link.
This is the final boss in the game. And HARD as FUCK!
He mimics your every move and will kick your ass!
C'mon, c'mon, c'mon ... AARRRGGH!
C'mon OOOOOOHHH, fuck... RRRrrr!! NNNGH!
Well, IT'S IMPOSSIBLE! I'd have better luck trying to fight my own shadow!
You mothefucker! C'mon!...
GOD DAMN!
You can't beat your own shadow and that's what this game is.
It's your dark alter ego that knows more about you than you know yourself.
I don't know how you could win, unless you're really HARDCORE.
Some gamers are so hardcore with the first game, they actually made it to Ganon without the sword.
That's insane, but people like a good challenge.
You want a good challenge? Try to beat Zelda II with a POWER GLOVE!
Yeeeaaahhh! That's a laugh!
In conclusion, it's still a great game.
But many considered at the black sheep to the Zelda franchise.
And understandably its very different from the first game.
But obviously, Nintendo didn't want to rehash the same game over again.
So they tried something new.
Some people we're and admittedly they have the some mixed results.
But it had a legacy of its own!
It was the first Zelda game that has towns to visit and have a magic meter...
and many games copied its style
such as Battle of the Olympus and even Rambo.
Bottom line,
it's a good game.
But a very frustrating one,
I'll never beat it, as long as I live.
Nope.