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dr judy i'm not even sure exactly what
we're about to do
so i'm gonna let you uh take it away and
explain what's going on okay perfect so
we're gonna do a little assessment
okay about what ipt could possibly help
you to optimize and you're
fantastic so we're going to talk a
little bit about personality traits
and your preferred method of interacting
with the social world
and we're going to talk about those four
factors that oftentimes people think
about when they
discuss ipt so areas of life that people
might need some help with
whether it's grief interpersonal
conflict
certain social skills that might need
bolstering and
role transitions or role conflicts cool
so the first thing that i'm going to ask
you
is when you think about those four areas
is there something that kind of sticks
out to you
that is an area that you're feeling
really good about right now something
that you feel
is a strength of yours you know whether
it's your role in life
the way that you interact with others um
issues with grief
and social skills overall well i
think your question was what i do what i
feel good about
yeah um i feel good about the direction
i'm going
with the in those areas i feel like i'm
improving in all four
i feel great at work uh with my role at
work
where i don't feel as good as
i still don't feel as good socially
connecting with anybody
i am a recluse i rather just be by
myself
i i can only take so much people before
i get peopled out
and so that comes across as me being
blunt
annoyed irritated disappointed i mean
the number of times
i have been out in public and a stranger
has come up to me and said
why don't you smile more than i can
count
because i don't want to be there i don't
know i'd rather just be at home
yep yep interesting okay and does that
cause any conflicts for you
in terms of relationships it does oh
yeah okay oh yeah
yeah because uh it's to such a
uh it's so far on the spectrum of
wanting to be
by myself that dating is really hard
because the other person wants to go out
i don't want to go out they have friends
that i don't care about seeing
and even even uh maintaining the
relationships i do have
my friends have to put in a lot of work
and i really appreciate it but they have
to put in a lot of work because
i'm not going to be the one to do a lot
of the work interesting
so are there certain areas in which you
feel like
that impacts you more than others so i
think you mentioned dating yeah
relationships a little bit of the social
social friendships not so much work
relationships
no uh i love work and so those
relationships
to me already come with such great
benefits that they
they seem easier to maintain yeah and
you're very affiliative at work because
i see you in this environment oh yeah
you're very gregarious
yes but just at work apparently yeah
because i all
we all love what we're doing here and so
it creates a really great environment
and it is like i get to go to work with
my friends okay
awesome and are there specific
relationships either
with family members or friends that you
feel like this impacts that
relationship and you'd like to maybe
work on
uh well i i'm pretty good with all my
family but where i could probably
improve my relationship is with my
brother
he has been married for a few years they
have a two-year-old so he has his own
life and like i mentioned earlier i
rely on other people to put in a lot of
the work and because he is really has
his own life now he has less time to
call me
i've already do don't do a good enough
job of connecting with him so
i think that is a relationship that i
could improve okay
great so ipt could probably help you
with that navigating your relationship
with your brother
and finding a good middle ground so you
still feel like you're true to yourself
but then it also
encourages more closeness with your
brother especially because both of you
guys have your own lives you're both
busy and your
general your general tendency would just
be then to keep to yourself instead of
going and engaging
especially when there's other types of
issues that you'll have to work around
to get to see your brother in the first
place and spend quality time with him
so i want to back up and talk a little
bit about personality traits and the
ways in which you like to navigate the
social world
ipt relies on this model called the
interpersonal
circumplex and it sounds more
complicated than it is but if you just
imagine
a circle um there's sort of four
quadrants of the circle
so at the top is the dimension of
dominance so people who are very agentic
they believe that they can have a cause
and effect relationship with their
environment of the world around them
and then on the bottom is passiveness so
somebody who's less dominant they're
less passive
they're more passive they're less
agentic
and if you imagine that at the top where
basically 12 o'clock would be on a clock
that would be the dominance factor and
then at six o'clock would be
the passive factor and then at three
o'clock
would be the affiliative or communion
factor this is somebody who is
very warm very gregarious all the time
people person
and then at the nine o'clock position it
would be somebody who's on the cooler
side of things they're
less communal in general their
relationships
have to have a goal to them and if not
they don't see
relationship development quite as
something that is
like 10 30. i love that you said that
and i feel like we need to post your
results in a graphic form because that's
exactly
where you were in terms of these i did
not know that it turned out
i didn't even know it was ridiculous so
they had me fill out a form before this
and i did not understand what it was for
they just said phyllis i said no problem
so i filled it out she just explained
the diagram i said 10 30 and now she has
the actual
yep i do have the actual results and you
are exactly at 10 30.
so you are generally a dominant person
yes who is on the cooler side of things
correct that's where you and i differ
i just retook this uh this evaluation
and by the way this can change
depending on where you are in your life
i think at a different uh phase in my
life i was probably closer to where you
were
but now i'm like 130. so i'm dominance
but i'm leaning towards
the warmer side yeah i would like to get
to a 1 30. i'd like to get to a one
yeah one p.m just to get to a one but
let me let me read you
some of the traits that are associated
with somebody who might be at 10 30.
um so this is somebody who has important
goals on success
wants to be successful likes to give
advice
so again that's the part of you that
actually is quite communal
you want to help other people and that's
what you do for work that's true you're
helping other people
but you see that it's goal oriented yes
you're helping other people
achieve something yes as opposed to
let's just have a tea party for six
hours and let's just talk about anything
under the sun and who cares if there's a
goal to it or not and a lot of my advice
giving i hope is
solicited advice yeah yeah yes and and i
think you respect that
um makes a good impression often admired
and respected by others
well thought of uh dominating life's
responsibility good
leader can be somewhat forceful and able
to give orders
can be somewhat proud and self-reliant
as well as assertive
self-confident independent and
self-respecting
at the same time thinks about
calculating ways
in which to achieve a goal and can
sometimes be indifferent to others
and have less patience for other
people's weaknesses
true yeah that's the time i open all of
that yeah that's a 10 30 person yeah
yeah so that's the 10 30 percent
yeah is that accurate for the people who
know me
would you say yeah yeah they're they're
nodding their heads yeah
yeah yeah makes sense yeah and i think
um and i think it's important to know
where you're starting from
and where you are because that in itself
can explain
some of the relationship struggles that
you might be having yes or
the types of relationship that you tend
to like better so you tend to like
people
who are probably either a 10 30 or maybe
they're a 130 because at least you can
relate
on the dominance level right i think
it's harder for you to deal with people
who are completely passive
and also super communal so with somebody
who's a 5 30
that would be very very hard for you if
you imagine the circle you would be on
direct opposite ends from them right at
10 30 or 4 30 5 30. it'd be like
where is our common ground well and but
you made such a good point at the
beginning of this which is
our place on the clock may change
yes so you might have married at 10 30
and then 15 years later you wake up and
they're at 5
30. so i'm really curious to see what
your advice is for that but i'll let you
keep running the session oh oh for sure
i mean i think that that is why it's
really cool to check in with the
circumplex at different times in your
life because your priorities will shift
and
i think i started shifting to uh from a
10 10 30 11 30 to a 1
1 30 more so after my my first loss of
a loved one you know really recognizing
that relationships
you can't take them for granted that
your relations people are fleeting and
and what somebody told me which is that
no one's on their deathbed recounting
all their successful things like i'm not
going to be on my deathbed thinking
about my board certifications
thinking about the relationships i've
had people on the memories i have with
my community
and so i do think that it can shift over
time
and at the same time it can be so
illustrative of why you have
difficulties with certain people
like i really i do struggle still with
people who might be
a 4 30 or 5 30. people who are very warm
but
lack some of that dominance and that
drive because
for me being in the 130 position i would
feel like i want to go and help them
like
come on let's go let's do something
right right um
and then i also probably don't
necessarily have a lot of 730s or 830s
in my circle
because that's somebody who's not quite
warm but also is really passive so
what am i getting from that interaction
it probably doesn't nurture me in a way
that would make me want to facilitate
that relationship
but imagine if that 7 30 or 8 30 person
is a family member
so you still want to promote some kind
of positive relation so
understanding where you are on the clock
is already something that's so helpful
in the beginning phases of ipt
to see where you might be struggling
with certain people in your life
knowing family members other important
people spouses even your boss
and where they are on the clock can help
you to communicate better with them yeah
so that even if it's not
your preferred style of communication
knowing where they're starting from can
help you
to work with them better to get them to
listen to you better
and again to affect the outcomes that
you actually want yeah absolutely and
i know i'm i'm speaking from people who
have
worked with me here they i i tell people
when they start with metro
look i'm really blunt it's nothing
against you it's just i'm trying to go
at a fast pace
and they i the feedback i get later is
i'm so glad you told me that because
i knew that i didn't need to take it
personally and once i realized you
really meant it
it really wasn't anything personal or
your attitude really wasn't about me
it made working with you so much easier
now what i would like to do though
in my life is meet them halfway it's not
like here's
now you have to adapt to my uh you know
personality style
i would like to be able to meet people
halfway which i've worked on a lot just
working
on empathy with dr romini yes but i'm
curious to see how
this through ipt could get me closer to
that
130 mark absolutely and i think a lot of
it when you think about ipt and what it
helps you to work on is not only
to smooth over interpersonal conflict
but also to give you certain types of
social skills where maybe you need a
little bit more development on
and so sometimes when individuals are
trying to come closer to somebody
on the clock so to speak or come to a
more compatible place
it's really about in some ways mimicking
what you know is valuable to them
yes and it doesn't mean that you have to
value those things but if you value that
relationship
right then you do the thing that you
know they appreciate
right and i i still and i think that
sometimes when you're taking this quiz
that i just had you take
it it depends on your mode of thinking
right now we're at work
so you're thinking a little bit about
how you are work kyle
where kyle is at 10 30. um you know i i
was thinking sort of more globally and
sort of some of the things that i've
been dealing with
more recently as i was just explaining
so i i felt like when i was taking that
assessment i'm more than 130 but trust
me i was just at 10 30 yesterday at work
right and um and i sometimes have to
remember wait this person needs a little
bit more tlc yes
this person is like a two or three pm
yeah and i need to make sure that
i couch what i'm saying with some
niceties
even though i'm just trying to get my
point across yes
and um actually my husband and i just
had this really great conversation about
this particular concept that
he's like there's work judy and then
there's my wife judy
and sometimes because i work from home
oftentimes
i i'm not switching fast enough so then
he comes in the room and i'm working and
i'm at 10 30 judy i'm at work judy and i
say something to him he's like
whoa like that was really kind of
aggressive
because i'm just trying to get a point
across and go back to work impatient 10
30 judy
and then i realized oh no but i should
be like the 2 30 judy and be like
oh hey honey yeah like take a minute
right and so i think
sometimes it really relates to our
domains of life too and how we relate to
people in relationships and
if you value that relationship you're
gonna take a minute and
okay who is this person this person's at
2 30 let me try to get closer to that 2
30
at least in this particular interaction
i'm about to have how do you know
when someone's at 2 30 if you haven't
had them take the test
well i think sometimes you can guess
from the types of things that they like
to spend time with
and the ways in which they communicate
with you and observing how they
communicate to other people so you can
do your own self-assessment
of the loved ones around you if they
seem like they really enjoy for example
just long hangouts with no particular
goal in mind
um they're probably going to be on the
12 to 6 o'clock side
of that clock anyway right on the warm
side
um if somebody is much more goal
oriented and
any social event should come with a goal
like okay this one is the
the social event where i'm gonna network
or like this is the event where we're
gonna do like
white elephant and everyone's gonna
switch gifts like there's always an
objective
they're probably on the 7 pm to the 12
o'clock side of things right
and um and i think you can sort of see
that from what people
choose to spend their time with people
who even in their leisurely time
love goals and objectives i
want to do an activity that has a start
and an end time
and comes with like a certificate yeah
right versus
i'm just gonna knit for the heck of it
and uh just keep knitting for hours and
hours and
if i make a hat great if i don't make a
hat i don't care um
that would be a person who might be even
on the more passive side of things
versus dominance so again you're looking
at the three to nine o'clock versus the
nine to three
is there a good place to be on the clock
nope nope and that's the whole idea
there is no judgment
although i would see certain
permutations
of the circumplex that uses very
negative words to describe
people who are on the sort of dominant
side of the quadrant
but i think that's that's a value
judgment i would imagine that the person
who painted that particular circumplex
is somebody who is on the other side and
thinks that they have the better
modality right i don't think that there
is a good modality i think that we need
all modalities to thrive in this world
sometimes you need a little bit more
warmth
sometimes in a group you can't have
everybody be type a or dominant somebody
has to be the one who's willing to
follow the leader
and so it's really just about having
that balance but it certainly
lets you know why certain relationships
haven't taken off the way that they have
yes and why you keep getting into a
certain fight with certain people yeah
and so i think that it can be utilized
just as a tool for you to improve your
own communication style and also become
a little bit more of a social chameleon
and i'm saying that with a positive
connotation sometimes people think of
social chameleons like
oh it's bad but no you're just being
flexible right you're just trying to
adapt to the environment so that
everybody can feel good
absolutely so even if you yourself
thinks oh i'm usually a 10 30 person but
with this person i'm going to be a
little bit more of a one and this person
i'll be a little bit more of a four
because i don't want to get into
a fight with them for nothing that's
right yeah that's right i i
i recognize myself doing that more and
more and it's really helped
and i think other people uh have really
appreciated which makes me feel good
because i don't want to live in a world
where i'm like look i'm kyle kittleson
take me or leave me you know get out of
my way i want to live in a world where
i'm approachable
where uh people can come to me with
important thoughts and feelings that
they have
and feel like they've been heard because
i've actually heard them
yeah yeah and i think that this is a
really practical application of just
general ipt theory kind of a
do-it-yourself idea of ipt is
take the circumplex quiz and then
recognize that other people are likely
going to have different types of styles
of communication
if your spouse or partner or your best
friend or your mom or dad is exactly
where you are great then it should be
really easy you guys use the same exact
communication style
but if you have a difference and you
notice that other person has a
difference from you
just adjust just adjust for that
communication only to that person yes
and you'll be able to find so much more
congruence and satisfaction from that
relationship
excellent all right anything else we
need to talk about with this
no i love assessments i love personality
tests this is the one really fun part of
ipt i'm glad that it spoke to you and
felt like it described you
oh yeah it was very accurate i feel like
thank you for watching this i'm kyle
kittleson
remember whatever you're going through
you got this
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