(rock music)
- Since their debut in 1963,
the X-Men have battle legendary villains
like Magneto, Apocalypse,
and the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants.
Unfortunately, not every X-Men villain
is as gifted or talented as the use of
Professor Xavier's school.
In fact, some are just downright idiotic,
with the mutant ability to be lame as hell
in spite of all efforts to the contrary.
But on today's episode of The Dan Cave,
we're gonna celebrate those god-awful goobers
in the X-Men rogues gallery
with a rundown of the best worst X-Men villains
of all time.
Onslaught. If you ever wondered what it'd look like
if Professor X and Magneto had a baby,
then it sounds like we've been reading the same fan fiction.
Unfortunately, the result in real life was Onslaught,
the bastard child of Magneto and Professor X's subconscious,
and it was basically the living embodiment
of bad 1990s comic book excess.
This overpowered goon managed to seemingly kill
the Fantastic Four and the Avengers,
when in reality
they were sent to an even dumber pocket dimension
and honestly, this is the ultimate example
of something that sounds cool on paper,
but winds up being downright obnoxious,
kind of like professional rollerblading.
Why are you in the X Games?
You're not a sport, you just suck.
Peepers. Jack Kirby was, by all accounts,
the king of comics, and without him,
we wouldn't have some of the most amazing Marvel characters
we know and love today.
But even kings make mistakes,
as evidenced by Peepers, this goofy-ass mutant
who looks like the offspring of Dobby the House Elf,
and Bat Boy from Weekly World News. Remember him?
His powers, well, as his name might suggest,
he's real good at seeing, like super good at it.
That's it. It's just a damn shame that
Predator X didn't eat this poor bastard alive even sooner.
Black Tom Cassidy. What could be more terrifying
than a cackling Irish stereotype
who's able to shoot concussive blasts
through a wooden shillelagh?
To be honest, pretty much anything, like spiders.
Spiders are way more terrifying than this dumb ass.
But Black Tom Cassidy was not a spider, unfortunately,
he was Banshee's crappy cousin
with the power to control plant life,
except unlike Poison Ivy,
this dude sucks more than the kombucha
your friend made in his garage.
Hopefully he can find a new lease on life in Deadpool 2,
where he's rumored to be the villain,
but then again, he was defeated in the Deadpool comics
by a fart-powered gasoline ass cannon,
so I'm not very hopeful.
(farts)
- Hashtag drive-by.
- Sugar Man. With a powerful tongue,
the ability to alter his own mass at will,
and a superhuman intellect,
Sugar Man unfortunately straight up sucks.
With the design of an all-powerful real monster,
this evil geneticist from the future
is real good at setting up sinister-sounding plans,
only to have them blow up in his face
as the X-Men repeatedly dunk on him.
If he had more follow through,
maybe he wouldn't be on this list,
but as it stands now,
he's always going to be the unspeakably ugly bridesmaid,
and never the unspeakably ugly bride.
Eye-Scream. Finally, there comes a villain
who might give Condiment King
a run for his preposterous money.
Eye-Scream, as his name might suggest,
was an evil mutant who had the incredible ability
to turn his body into any flavor of ice cream imaginable.
Including banana split.
This delicious dingus somehow managed
to infiltrate the X-Mansion and the Danger Room
through his sweet, creamy stealth,
but was ultimately defeated by being frozen solid
as a block of ice cream,
then humiliated by being decorated as a sundae
by a birthday clown called Obnoxio,
who didn't even stay to perform at Kitty's birthday.
What the hell, dude? They paid you!
Forearm, a character so dumb and on the nose
I'm surprised I didn't go back in time
and accidentally create him myself.
Thanks Rob Liefeld.
A founding member of the terrorist group,
the Mutant Liberation Front,
Forearm is a mutant with, you guessed it, four arms.
That's, that's (bleep) it.
That's like if they called Wolverine, Claw Hands,
or Colossus, Steel Skin,
or Jubilee, Completely Useless.
Just kidding, Jubilee fans, she's only mostly useless.
Kind of like Forearm.
Ahab. Was your first reaction upon reading
Herman Meville's literary classic Moby Dick,
"Yo, that whale was cool and all, but what if Ahab
was a racist cyborg from the future?"
If so, you might be Walt Simonson and Jackson Guice,
who created Ahab, a geneticist who got tricked
into cutting off his leg with a laser,
so he became a cyborg mutant hunter
in the Days of Future Past Universe.
I mean, sure, you can try to tell me
that he was a horseman of Apocalypse,
but so was Psylocke in X-Men: Apocalypse,
and she didn't do jack-(bleep), so shut up.
At least DC Comics had the decency to make a whale
into a crappy villain, instead of this peg-legged doofus.
(Bleep) you, Ahab.
(Bleep) you.
- Yeah, why not? He sucks.
(laughter)
Jeb Lee. And speaking of preposterous, crappy,
and preposterously crappy horsemen of Apocalypse,
what about a Confederate soldier
who plays a drum that uses a special frequency
to give people cancer?
You know, that'll just not-
that'll what the (bleep) chestnut
are you talking about, chestnut?
Yeah, yeah, I know, I know,
giving people drum cancer's all about
states' rights or whatever,
but that doesn't mean this murderous moron
should get a pass.
And those, my friends, are some of the best worst,
most WTF-worthy X-men villains of all time.
But tell me, which is your favorite?
Who would you add to this list?
Let me know in the comments below
and give me a horribly mutated thumbs up
while you're there.
Now be sure to like and subscribe
or else you might miss next week's show
about the story of a group of renegade Ronan
who have to take care of a sweet dog and battle vampires
in Seven Samurai Am Legend.
Until next time, keep on digging.
Let's open up the old mail bag, shall we?
@D20Athletics asks, "In a legal vaccuum,
is it more moral to fight one horse-size duck,
or 100 duck-size horses?"
Well that's a great question.
This is a debate that has raged since time immemorial.
The answer is actually neither,
it would be immoral to do battle with a horse-size duck,
since this wretched mega-fawn
is clearly the last of its kind,
and you might render it extinct if you fight it.
Likewise, have you ever seen a miniature horse?
They're adorable, little Sebastian.
Duck-sized horses would be even cuter,
and I can't condone that kind of cute murder.
So honestly, the only answer is to let them destroy you,
and hope that you have the fortune to be reborn
as one of these two wonderful, majestic creatures.
But tell me, which do you think is more immoral?
Let me know in the comments below,
and I'll see you guys next time.
(gentle music)