( LAUGHTER ) THERE IS SOME GOOD NEWS OUT
THERE.
ALWAYS NICE WHEN YOU SEE SOMETHING NICE HAPPEN TO A NICE
PERSON.
YESTERDAY, "TIME" MAGAZINE NAMED THEIR PERSON OF THE YEAR, AND
THIS YEAR IT'S 16-YEAR-OLD ACTIVIST, GRETA THUNBERG, SEEN
-- THERE IT IS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT'S NICE.
SEEN HERE BEING BETTER THAN YOU.
( LAUGHTER ) THUNBERG BECAME AN INTERNATIONAL
CELEBRITY THIS YEAR FOR CALLING ON WORLD LEADERS TO STEP UP WHEN
IT COMES TO CLIMATE CHANGE, LIKE THIS.
>> HOW DO YOU RESPOND TO THE FACT THAT BASICALLY NOTHING IS
BEING DONE ABOUT THIS WITHOUT FEELING THE SLIGHTEST BITS OF
ANGER?
I SHOULD BE BACK IN SCHOOL ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE OCEAN, YET
YOU ALL COME TO US YOUNG PEOPLE FOR HOPE.
HOW DARE YOU.
I'M HERE TODAY TO SAY OUR HOUSE IS ON FIRE.
MY NAME IS GRETA THUNBERG.
I AM 16 YEARS OLD.
I COME FROM SWEDEN.
AND I WANT YOU TO PANIC.
>> STEPHEN: MY NAME IS STEPHEN COLBERT, I'M 55 YEARS OLD, AND
I'M WAY AHEAD OF YOU, SISTER.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
( CHEERING ) ( PIANO RIFF )
THIS YEAR, THE FINALISTS FOR PERSON OF THE YEAR INCLUDED:
THE HONG KONG PROTESTERS, THE WHISTLEBLOWER, NANCY PELOSI, AND
DONALD TRUMP.
SO TRUMP LOST TO A 16-YEAR-OLD GIRL.
BUT HE'S BEEN ON THE COVER MULTIPLE TIMES BEFORE, WAS
MAGNANIMOUS IN DEFEAT, AND HE CONGRATULATED HER, SAYING SHE
DESERVED THE HONOR.
JUST KIDDING.
( LAUGHTER ) HE TWEETED, "SO RIDICULOUS.
GRETA MUST WORK ON HER ANGER MANAGEMENT PROBLEM, THEN GO TO A
GOOD OLD-FASHIONED MOVIE WITH A FRIEND!
CHILL, GRETA, CHILL!" ( BOOING )
FIRST OF ALL, TEENS DON'T GO TO MOVIES ANYMORE.
THEY STAY HOME AND TIK TOK THEIR VAPE PENS ON FORTNITE.
( LAUGHTER ) I DON'T KNOW.
TEENAGERS SCARE ME.
ALSO, REMEMBER, THUNBERG IS FROM SWEDEN, SO A "GOOD OLD-FASHIONED
MOVIE" THERE IS PROBABLY SOMETHING CALLED "THE SAW
MAKER'S WIDOW," THAT'S JUST FOUR HOURS OF MAX VAN SYDOW STARING
AT A BROKEN CLOCK.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT, SINCE THUNBERG IS SWEDISH,
LET ME PUT THIS IN CULTURALLY APPROPRIATE TERMS --
MR. PRESIDENT, GO "FJUK" YOURSELF.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WHICH --
( PIANO RIFF ) -- WHICH --
( PIANO RIFF ) -- WHICH I CAN SAY ON CBS
BECAUSE FJUK IS AN ISLAND IN SWEDEN.
IT'S LOVELY.
THEY HAVE A LIGHTHOUSE.
AND YOU KNOW WHERE TO STICK IT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
BUT THUNBERG DOESN'T NEED MY HELP, BECAUSE SHE CLAPPED BACK
TO TRUMP'S TWEET BY CHANGING HER TWITTER BIO TO "A TEENAGER
WORKING ON HER ANGER MANAGEMENT PROBLEM.
CURRENTLY CHILLING AND WATCHING A GOOD OLD-FASHIONED MOVIE WITH
A FRIEND."
YEAH!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) FJUK YEAH!
AGAIN, LOOK IT UP.
IT'S AN ISLAND.
THEY HAVE A SUNKEN STEAMBOAT THAT YOU CAN SEE PARTIALLY
STICKING UP FROM THE WATER.
THAT'S EVIDENTLY A PLUS.
THEY ADVERTISE IT.
( LAUGHTER ) THEN, ADDING INSULT TO INJURY TO
MY RETINAS, TRUMP'S TEAM TWEETED A PHOTOSHOPPED IMAGE OF THE
"TIME" COVER WITH TRUMP'S HEAD ON GRETA'S BODY.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) THAT'S HORRIFYING.
BUT I'M GUESSING NOT THE FIRST TIME TRUMP HAS FORCED HIMSELF
ONTO A YOUNG WOMAN.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) OH, YEAH.
YES.
>> Jon: OH, MY!
>> Stephen: JOKE IS BASED ON TRUE STORY.
( LAUGHTER ) TRUMP IS DOING WHATEVER HE CAN
TO NOT THINK ABOUT IMPEACHMENT.
LAST NIGHT, HE THREW A WHITE HOUSE HANUKKAH PARTY.
OH, HE MUST HAVE BEEN SO EXCITED.
(AS TRUMP) "LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT: EVERY
NIGHT, YOU'RE RELIGIOUSLY OBLIGATED TO EAT FRIED POTATOES?
AND YOU HAVE TO WEAR TINY HATS THAT COVER YOUR BALD SPOTS?
THEN SMEAR ME WITH CREAM CHEESE.
I'M IN."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
ONE GUEST OF HONOR WAS FOX NEWS PERSONALITY AND CAT LOOKING YOU
DEAD IN THE EYES AS IT BATS THAT MICROPHONE RIGHT OFF THE TABLE,
MARK LEVIN.
HERE'S HOW TRUMP INTRODUCED LEVIN.
>> WE HAVE A MAN THAT I HAVE, BY THE WAY, GREAT RESPECT: MARK
LEVIN.
WHERE IS MARK LEVIN?
(APPLAUSE) WHAT A SHOW.
WHERE IS MARK?
HE'S OVER HERE.
LEE, SEND HIM UP HERE, WILL YOU, PLEASE?
MARK, COME ON UP.
COME ON UP HERE.
MARK, THE GREAT MARK LEVIN.
WHAT A SHOW.
COME ON, MARK, WHEREVER YOU MAY BE.
WHERE ARE YOU?
I SAW HIM.
IS THAT MARK?
COME ON, MARK.
GET YOUR WAY UP.
(APPLAUSE) MAKE A PATH.
MARK, I DON'T KNOW HOW-- COME ON.
COME ON.
COME ON UP, MARK.
HE'S SO BIG.
RIGHT, MARK?
COME ON OVER.
>> STEPHEN: WAIT, YOU SAY YOU SAW MARK LEVIN IN THE CROWD?
THAT'S NOT POSSIBLE!
MARK LEVIN...
HAS BEEN DEAD FOR 30 YEARS!
( LAUGHTER ) HE NEVER ESCAPED THAT STEAMBOAT
WHEN IT SUNK OFF THE COAST OF FJUK ISLAND.
( LAUGHTER ) TRUMP WAS SURE TO GIVE HIS WIFE
-- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) TRUMP WAS SURE TO GIVE HIS WIFE
CREDIT FOR HER CONTRIBUTION TO HANUKKAH.
>> I WANT TO THANK OUR GREAT FIRST LADY.
SHE'S DONE THE MOST INCREDIBLE CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> STEPHEN: OH, NO!
HE FORGOT WHICH HOLIDAY THEY'RE CELEBRATING.
(AS TRUMP) "I ESPECIALLY LIKE THAT
CHRISTMAS CANDELABRA WITH EIGHT CANDLES.
IT'S YOUR BIRTH DAY, JESUS.
BLOW THEM OUT AND MAKE A WISH.
( LAUGHTER ) ANYWAY, WE'RE FINALLY SAYING
'MERRY CHRISTMAS' AGAIN.
THIS ANGRY SANTA WITH THE BLACK FEDORA KNOWS WHAT I'M TALKING
ABOUT."
( LAUGHTER ) TRUMP ALSO INVITED TELEVISION
PASTOR AND 64-YEAR-OLD 12-YEAR-OLD, ROBERT JEFFRESS.
FUN FACT ABOUT PASTOR JEFFRESS THAT MIGHT BE RELEVANT IN THIS
CONTEXT: HE'S PREVIOUSLY SAID THAT "JEWS ARE GOING TO HELL."
PASTOR, THEY'RE AT A HANUKKAH PARTY WITH YOU AND DONALD TRUMP.
THEY'RE ALREADY IN HELL.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.