♪♪♪ >>> IT'S "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH
COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> THANK YOU. GOOD EVENING, EVERYONE.
>> WELCOME TO "WEEKEND UPDATE." I'M MICHAEL CHE.
>> I'M COLIN JOST. >>> PRESIDENT TRUMP HELD A PRESS
CONFERENCE TODAY TO EDUCATE THE PUBLIC ABOUT THE CORONAVIRUS.
BUT I'M NOT SURE IT WORKED, BECAUSE ACCORDING TO A NEW
SURVEY, 38% OF AMERICANS SAY THEY WON'T DRINK CORONA BEER
BECAUSE IT SOUNDS LIKE THE CORONAVIRUS.
WHILE THE REST WON'T DRINK IT BECAUSE IT TASTES LIKE SYPHILIS.
DONALD TRUMP IS THE WORST PERSON TO EASE PEOPLE'S FEARS.
TRUMP'S WHOLE THING IS THAT HE WHIPS ARENAS INTO A FRENZY OF
ANGER AND BLOODLUST. HOPING TRUMP CAN CALM PEOPLE
DOWN IS LIKE HOPING COCAINE CAN FIGHT INSOMNIA.
AND I DON'T REALLY TRUST TRUMP ON MEDICAL ISSUES.
THIS IS WHAT HE HAD TO SAY ABOUT EBOLA.
>> THIS IS A MUCH DIFFERENT PROBLEM THAN EBOLA.
EBOLA, YOU DISINTEGRATED. YOU GOT EBOLA, THAT WAS IT.
>> YOU DISINTEGRATED? WAIT, DOES HE THINK THAT THANOS
WAS NAMED EBOLA? THEN ON HIS WAY TO A RALLY WHERE
HE WOULD MEET WITH THOUSANDS OF UNTESTED PEOPLE IN AN ENCLOSED
SPACE, HE EXPLAINED HIS PLAN LIKE THIS.
>> WE'RE ORDERING A LOT OF DIFFERENT ELEMENTS OF MEDICAL.
AS YOU KNOW, THEY'RE WORKING AS RAPIDLY AS THEY CAN, ON A
VACCINE FOR THE FUTURE. AND WITH THAT I THINK I CAN HEAD
OUT. >> YEAH, I DON'T THINK YOU CAN
JUST HEAD OUT, BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T TELL US ANYTHING.
HE SAID, WE'RE ORDERING DIFFERENT ELEMENTS OF MEDICAL.
WHICH IRGUARANTEE YOU HE THINKS IS FIRE, EARTH, WIND AND WATER.
AND NOW SCIENTISTS ESTIMATE THAT THE MORTALITY RATE FROM THE
CORONAVIRUS IS ARRANGE 2%. WHICH SOUNDS PRETTY BAD.
BUT HONESTLY, IF YOU GAVE ME A 2% CHANCE OF DYING DURING
TRUMP'S FIRST TERM, I WOULD HAVE TAKEN THAT IN A HEARTBEAT.
>> MAN, I DON'T WANT TO MAKE JOKES ABOUT THIS CORONA VIRUS,
BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW THAT I DON'T HAVE IT YET.
AND IF I DO HAVE IT, THE INTERNET IS GOING TO PLAY THIS
CLIP OF ME MAKING FUN OF IT OVER AND OVER AGAIN, AND THEY SHOULD,
BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE HILARIOUS. IMAGINE IF THERE WAS VIDEO OF
THE CROCODILE HUNTER MAKING FUN OF STINGRAYS.
I MEAN, WHAT IF THIS IS IT? THIS IS NOT HOW I WANT TO BE
REMEMBERED, MAN. SITTING HERE PRETENDING I CARE
ABOUT POLITICS, WEARING THIS FANCY TIE, LIKE I DON'T NEED
THIS. WHY AM I HIDING MY DRINKING
PROBLEM? YOU KNOW, I JUST FOUND OUT I
MIGHT HAVE A KID. [ LAUGHTER ]
>> THE STOCK MARKET THIS WEEK POSTED ITS LARGEST POINT LOSS IN
HISTORY, WHICH A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE REFERRING TO AS THE TRUMP
SLUMP. AND BY A LOT OF PEOPLE, I MEAN
ME. THE SAME WAY WHEN TRUMP SAYS A
LOT OF PEOPLE ARE SAYING SOMETHING, HE MEANS HE IS.
NOW ALL THESE PEOPLE ARE COMING UP SAYING TRUMP SLUMP AND PEOPLE
ARE TALKING ABOUT THIS TRUMP SLUMP.
I CAN'T EVEN TALK ABOUT THE TRUMP TRUMP WITHOUT SOMETHING
COMING UP TO ME AND SAYING, HOW ABOUT THIS TRUMP SLUMP?
ANYWAY, THAT'S THE ECONOMY. >> HOW COULD THIS POSSIBLY END
WELL FOR US, TRUMP PUT MIKE PENCE IN CHARGE.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT HIS PLAN IS, IT'S PROBABLY THE SAME AS THAT
GUY WHO HAD TO GET EVIAN WATER. NOW, MY GRANDMOTHER WAS GHT,
COLIN, SHE WARNED ME. I REMEMBER SHE USED TO SIT ME
DOWN AND ROCK BACK IN HER CHAIR, AND SHE SAID, "BABY, YOU LISTEN
TO ME GOOD. DON'T YOU BRING NO WHITE GIRL
HOME." BUT THEN AFTER THAT --
SHE SAID, "BABY, WE ARE LIVING IN OUR LAST DAYS," AND I THOUGHT
SHE WAS JUST OLD AND CRAZY. I MEAN, NO WHITE GIRLS?
I MEAN, I WORK IN SHOW BUSINESS. BY THE WAY, ARE YOU STILL
GETTING MARRIED, COLIN? LISTEN, AMERICANS, STOP BLAMING
THIS ON THE CHINESE. SURE, THEY MAY HAVE SOME STRANGE
CHOICES IN EDIBLE MEATS, BUT DON'T ACT LIKE WE'RE ANY BETTER
THAN THEY ARE. I MEAN, WE JUST STOPPED EATING
TIDE PODS LIKE TWO YEARS AGO. I FEEL FREE.
>> WE'RE STILL FIVE WEEKS AWAY FROM EASTER, BUT EARLIER A
MANNING CAME BACK FROM THE DEAD. JOE BIDEN WON THE SOUTH CAROLINA
PRESIDENTIAL PRIMARY JUST HOURS AGO.
BUT IN KEEPING WITH SOUTH CAROLINA TRADITION, THE LOSERS
WILL GET STATUES. MIKE BLOOMBERG IS SPENDING A
RECORD $3.5 MILLION BUYING ADS IN BLACK MEDIA.
GET READY FOR TYLER PERRY'S MADEA GOES TO MIKE
BLOOMBERG.COM. AND HILLARY CLINTON HAS
ANNOUNCED SHE'S STARTING A POD CAST.
OKAY, NOW, I DO THINK WE SHOULD LOCK HER UP.